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Thor, Supreme Commander of the Asgard Fleet was...intrigued.
He hadn't known what to expect from this planet, but this was not it.
For one, the population of the planet below him(named Erius according to his databanks), was smaller than he had thought it would be, numbering at just under two million. That was an astonishingly low number for a civilization that was willing to make enemies of the Goa'uld. Stranger still, the large variety of skin pigmentations they sported clearly indicated that much of this number had come from the raiding that had brought him here in the first place, which meant that the population had been absurdly tiny when the whole thing had started.
Even stranger, they were very technologically primitive. Too primitive to have managed to strike at the Goa'uld so effectively and for so long without detection. Too primitive to have even learned how to work the stargate really.
This was the point that intrigued Thor so much actually. He observed several instances of Goa'uld technology being used in an almost cavalier fashion, as if was not at all odd for an agrarian society to have plasma and disruptor weaponry. Soldiers trained their accuracy with zat'nik'tel disruptors while others nearby trained with blades, a most bizarre juxtaposition. Even stranger had been the sight of a soldier helping a group of farmers clear land with a ma'tok staff weapon.
Certainly a new use for the weapon.
Clearly those in power were not concerning themselves with hoarding the advanced weaponry they had no doubt looted from the Goa'uld, nor were they bothering to keep up the lie about there being anything magical about the technology. It was the only thing that could explain such widespread usage of it.
They were hoarding other things though. Near the stargate, his ship's sensors had detected a large building full of raw naquadah ore, discarded suits of Jaffa armor, the cut up remains of ship hulls and various other odds and ends that they had no immediate use for.
There was only one item on the entire planet that could have been used to cut those hulls apart and it left Thor baffled.
Judging by it's dimensions it was a curved sword sharpened to a mono-molecular edge. It was in the possession of a female soldier, obviously a ranking officer of some sort based on her positioning in front of the others. But that didn't make any sense, as the sword itself seemed to be made of a fairly unremarkable steel alloy. Any blade sharpened so finely would become easily damaged unless the material it was made of was of incredible durability, yet this was not the case. According to his sensors, the blade was in pristine condition, as if newly made. In fact, it was so perfect that Thor doubted if even the Asgard could have managed to do it any better.
How such a weapon could have been made on a planet where they still used hammers, tongs and anvils to shape metal was beyond his understanding. He supposed that it could have been appropriated elsewhere, but then how was it maintained?
There were also several other things that did not add up in his mind. Though primitive, there were signs of rapid development. Too rapid.
Left to their own devices, humans tended to advance very slowly at first, but once it gained momentum, it would continue getting faster. This would also bring about a more reasonable and mature outlook on the world, form which would follow advancement in social structure.
What he saw here was a good example of a human culture that had just barely started advancing technologically, but had too many characteristics of a more socially advanced civilization to be natural.
Societies at this level of development should have seen children as free labor, yet he clearly saw them going to what were no doubt schools, which could only mean that education was compulsory. That was a trait that belonged to a far more advanced society.
The previously mentioned army was of mixed gender, which was also abnormal for societies at this level of development.
Many also had naquadah in their bloodstream as if they had once been Goa'uld hosts, but their numbers were far too great for that.
There was not a single temple or other place of worship anywhere on the planet, which was unheard of. Low tech civilizations always used the divine as an explanation for things they did not understand and this often persisted for millennia. To Thor's knowledge the only four races to have ever completely rid themselves of religion were the members of the Great Alliance that had disintegrated long ago, the Furlings, the Nox, the Alterans and the Asgard themselves. And Thor was not even certain about the Furlings because they had been a very mysterious race.
The Alterans had done so after a terrible schism had split their people in half, one half fanatically religious and the other half utterly atheist. The non religious half had then abandoned their home galaxy to avoid fighting their own people and settled in this galaxy.
The second oldest race, the Nox, had always been very spiritual but also pacifistic in the extreme. The belief in nature spirits they had once cultivated had faded away into insignificance, leaving only an abiding respect for all life. As far as Thor knew, not a single Nox had committed an act of violence for As long as the Asgard had known them.
As previously stated, the Furlings had been mysterious and reclusive, volunteering extremely little information even to their allies. The other three races had not pressed them out of respect for their preferences. It was simply assumed that they were very private and did not like outsiders to know things about them. They had worked together on some projects, but never learned much about them until one day, the Furlings had simply vanished without a trace.
The most pragmatic of the four by a wide margin, what little religion had persisted among the Asgard had withered to nothing before they had even left the atmosphere of their homeworld for the first time.
Keeping all this in mind, it was no wonder that Thor had blinked in confusion when he hadn't been able to find a single religious edifice anywhere on the planet.
All of this together could only mean that someone was artificially guiding the development of the humans on this planet and had no doubt been conducting those raids to speed things even further.
All in all it was more than enough for Thor to recommend continued observation at least through a cloaked probe, perhaps even a dedicated science vessel if there were any Asgard interested in studying this strange culture.
Thor had been just about to leave when his ship's computer helpfully informed him of a local space-time disturbance occurring right behind him, followed by another notification of two unknown life signs having appeared once it had passed.
Surprised but not truly frightened, he slowly turned around to see who had managed to invade his ship so easily.
The two horned and innately threatening looking individuals were like no species that Thor had ever heard of and he rapidly analyzed their appearance before saying anything.
Their resemblance to the basic human form was rather startling at first. The bipedal form was common for sentients, but it was not often so very similar to another species unless there were extenuating circumstances.
Both had sharp and powerful looking fangs that were easily seen due to their grins. A clear sign of a land based carnivorous or omnivorous ancestor, corroborated by their slit irises and clawed hands. However, this assumption was disputed by the fact that their jaws were obviously capable of lateral movement, which was a clear sign of a herbivorous or frugivorous ancestor, as well as the lack of claws on their feet.
Paradoxical.
Horns were far more likely to evolve in a herbivorous than any other species and served no purpose for bipedal sentients, which meant that they should have been vestigial at best. Yet these horns were anything but, jutting out of their heads a considerable distance and looking quite powerful.
Perhaps the strangest of all, the female had ten massive tails writhing behind her. This made the least amount of sense out of everything. Why would the female have tails and the male would not? How could that many tails even grow from a single tailbone and what purpose does it serve to have so many? The female was hairless with the exception of her head, so why were the tails so furry? Dark skin meant a large concentration of skin pigmentation, which would have ensured similarly dark hair. Why then were her hair and tail fur white?
These and many other things went through Thor's head in rapid succession before he deemed that he was running out of time and needed to say something. He wasn't certain if the way they were baring their teeth at him was a smile as it would be for humans or if it was a threat as it would be for a carnivorous animal. Hopefully it was the former, because if it was the latter, then he was most likely going to die, which he would prefer not to do.
"Greetings." He said in the same language as he had detected being used on the planet. The Asgard could learn languages very quickly and the ship's translation software would be able to compensate for any mistakes.
Naruto and Xanna exchanged amused glances and replied. "Greetings Asgardian."
They had known of this particular race but had not put any effort into learning too much about them, preferring to make their own conclusions in an inevitable face to face meeting.
At about 120 centimeters(or four feet if you prefer) tall, their visitor was the single most unimposing adult individual either of them had ever met. Hairless, toothless, naked, grey and looking frail enough that a strong wind would break him in half. The only thing even vaguely imposing about him was the large, solid black eyes and the disproportionately huge head that presumably housed an equally large brain.
The ship apparently had only one crew member, which could only mean that it was almost entirely automated. Interesting, though still strange. Space was dangerous enough that travelling through it alone seemed stupid.
"You know of us?" Thor asked, surprised even if he did not show it save for a slight narrowing of his eyes.
"We would have your name before we speak any further." Xanna said.
"I am Thor, Supreme Commander of the Asgard Fleet." The Asgardian introduced himself in the bland monotone that was characteristic of his species.
"Oh my, what an impressive title." Naruto commented lightly, taking a walk around the tiny being to get a better look at him.
Thor looked so terribly frail that Naruto felt sorry for him on principle alone. Withered and obviously weak limbs, fingers with no strength to them, atrophied musculate and bones that were probably just as frail as the flesh. He had to wonder how any species could be so physically weak and still survive. The care Thor took when he moved could only mean that he was just as weak as he looked.
"I am Xanna and this is my husband Naruto Uzumaki. We are the God-Empress and God-Emperor of the planet below you." Xanna said.
Thor once again narrowed his eyes slightly in thought. Asgard were not given to humor, so the irony of Naruto calling his title impressive while being a 'God-Emperor' merely passed through his mind as a footnote. It made the lack of religious structures on the planet even stranger though.
Thor was uncertain what to say next. He had not come here prepared for first contact and he did not have enough information in any case. Lacking anything else to say, he decided to ask a niggling question.
"How did you get on my ship?"
"Fuck you, that's how." Naruto said rather absently as he continued to look over the tiny alien.
Thor blinked at the response, having not expected to be shut out so firmly.
Abrasive response to probing question. Unlikely to give out information without reason. He noted to himself.
Then Naruto sniffed curiously at his head.
Superior sense of smell. Behavior reminiscent of a curious animal encountering something new. He continued to note to himself.
Then Xanna approached as well and ran her fingers across Thor's shiny hairless head.
No respect for personal space. Thor once more noted.
"Such cold and dry skin you have." Xanna said to herself, rubbing her fingers together to get rid of the unpleasant feeling.
"Does your neck ever hurt from carrying that big head around?" Naruto suddenly asked, staring at Thor's spindly neck.
"Yes." The Asgardian answered blandly, taking no offense at what might have been considered a rude question for a different species. Though he did note that they did not seem to be concerned about the fact that he had been effectively spying on them.
"Interesting." The horned man said and continued his inspection.
"Is your body even capable of self healing." Xanna asked next, contemplating the merits of cutting open a wound on Thor's shoulder with one of her claws. She wondered what color his blood was.
"No." They had lost what little natural self-regenerative ability they'd once had a long time ago.
"You said your name was Thor right?" Naruto asked rhetorically. "Any relation to the Viking god Thor of Earth?"
"That myth is based on my presence there centuries ago."
Awareness of Earth and its mythology. Possible connection to Judeo-Christian adversary figure based on appearance. Thor knew that the figure of Satan was originally based on the Goa'uld Sokar, but he could not ignore the fact that Naruto's appearance fit extremely well into that position. Only his distinctly Japanese name and easygoing manner separated him from it.
"Nice." Naruto complimented.
"So, why were you hovering in orbit around our planet?" Xanna asked, settling herself in Thor's control chair without permission.
Behavior inconsistent with mythological figure. No mention of female. Further investigation warranted.
"The Asgard protect several human worlds in this galaxy from the Goa'uld. I learned of your raids on Goa'uld planets and decided to investigate." Thor answered blandly and turned back to the nearby console. Moving about the control interface stone, he had the matter-energy constructor create a simple paper sheet with over twenty stargate addresses on it. "These planets are our protectorates, we keep them safe from the Goa'uld so that they may progress at their own pace. I would ask that you not attempt to relocate the people on them."
He was unphased by the horned woman's choice of seating as he handed her the list. The controls would only work for an Asgardian.
Of course, he did not know that Xanna could probably interface with the ship's computer and force it to obey her. Though if she could do it without frying it was another matter.
"How do you poop?" Naruto interjected randomly, far more interested in the answer to this than he was in the reasons for being spied on. He couldn't find Thor's asshole anywhere!
"We eat only blocks of easily digested compact nutrients and have no need for waste disposal."
"Ha, you hear that Xanna!" Naruto crowed gleefully. "You're going to have to adjust your measure of divinity again."
"So it seems." She replied with a frown.
"Now for the all important question." Naruto said seriously, eyes narrowed grimly. "Where are you hiding your genitals? Do they just pop out of somewhere when you have sex?"
"The Asgard transfer their consciousness from one clone body to another and have thus attained a measure of immortality. We no longer reproduce or engage in sexual intercourse and have lost our reproductive organs a long time ago." Thor answered, as bland as ever.
Naruto stared at the little grey alien in horror for a long few seconds before he suddenly released an aggrieved howl. "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!?"
Thor stared in bafflement as the enormous horned man braced himself against the computer console as if his legs would no longer support him, apparently shaking from the force of the emotions he was experiencing.
"Why?! WHY?!" He wailed in sorrow.
"Please refrain from weeping on the console." Thor said blandly.
Xanna snorted at his tone. Clearly Thor was not impressed by her husbands hysterics.
"I feel...so sorry...for you." Naruto sniffled, kneeling down to give the poor little guy a hug, oblivious to the fact that Thor was not nearly as upset about this as he was. Or at all for that matter.
Preoccupation with sexual activity. The Asgardian noted to himself again. There would no doubt be scientists who would want to know these things.
"If you wish, I will advise my government to stay away from this world in the future." Thor said to Xanna, completely ignoring the big man that was still hugging him. Clearly the woman was the more reasonable of the two.
Regardless of their claims of divinity, Thor had seen no signs of the same sort of oppression that the Goa'uld perpetrated against humans. Indeed, they were accelerating their development greatly and it was no concern of the Asgard if they wished to do so. They did what they could to protect a few human worlds from the Goa'uld in memory of the Alterans and their legacy, not enforce a zero interference policy.
"That would be best." She said. "I will not be spied upon."
Thor did not move much, but his general manner implied his acquiescence. "I will transport you back to your planet."
"Wait a minute!" Naruto said seriously, leaning away to look Thor dead in the eye. "I can't allow you to go on like this. Nobody deserves to have their nuts shrivel off...except those who do, but you seem like a good guy, protecting people like that and Thor was supposed to be a good guy if I remember my mythology correctly."
"What are you doing husband?" Xanna asked with some exasperation. Naruto seemed all set to go off on one of his impulsive actions.
"Nothing much." He responded, focusing on Thor's body.
It was...bad. A lot of his genetic code was seriously degenerated and his organs were barely functioning. In fact, if it were not for a multitude of medical nanites keeping him together, he wouldn't even be alive right now and even that was barely doing the job.
But he could fix this.
Not particularly worried about the consequences, he flooded the tiny alien's body with healing energy and rejuvenating life force, reactivating long since shriveled genes and revitalizing his organs.
Thor gasped in true shock for the first time in millennia, able to feel the life flooding into his body. He groaned in both pain and discomfort as his body changed, but could tell even then that something incredibly good was happening to him, so he did not fight. Not that he could have.
Eventually it was over and Thor collapsed to his knees, gulping down deep breaths into oxygen starved lungs, already amazed that he even could breathe so deeply. Stumbling onto his feet, he rather numbly noticed that he was a lot taller than he remembered being, reaching almost up to Naruto's chest instead of just below his waist.
His clones had not been so tall in aeons, each one having been just a little more degenerated than the last until all that was left was that weak, diminutive body.
"I'm surprised at how similar our genitals are." Naruto commented, staring at Thor's now dangling junk.
Thor instinctively looked down, being deeply uncertain what to think about having that again. He had no sex drive whatsoever, nor anyone to use it on even if he had, but strange as it may seem, it represent hope for the future of the Asgard.
Even the healing powers of the Alterans would not have been able to help them. How was it possible that he had been restored so easily?
With an act of will, Thor gathered his scattered faculties and focused on the matter at hand, no matter how unbelievable this sudden turn of good fortune was. An immense service had been done to the Asgard just now, no matter for how flippant seeming a reason, and this needed to be addressed.
"The Asgard have for a long time tried in vain to reverse the genetic degradation caused by our cloning." He began, his own voice sounding strange to him now. "What you have done here will give us hope for the restoration of our people. How can the Asgard repay this debt?"
He doubted that his fellow members of the High Council would object to him speaking for their entire species in this case. They had known just as he had that the lifespan of their race could at the most optimistic be measured in centuries and that was not long at all for a race that had traveled the stars for over a million years.
Naruto scratched at his face, unsure of how to answer that. He had done the whole thing on impulse to be honest and had no idea what he could ask for in return. Their technology was nice and all and it would probably be fun to play with, but it would be ultimately useless until the humans they ruled got a little further along with their knowledge base.
Xanna reached the same conclusion, but she also saw an opportunity. "Nothing for now. Our people still need time to grow before you could do anything for us. Consider your debt held in abeyance until they are ready."
Thor was surprised. He had honestly expected them to ask for advanced technologies or military aid and there would have been no choice for the Asgard but to comply. In exchange for the continued survival of their kind, something like that would have been more than fair and honor would have demanded nothing less for such a service done to them. It was refreshing to meet a ruler who understood the value of patience, most would not have hesitated to take instant advantage of the opportunity.
"Your speak wisely." Thor replied and manipulated the controls to fabricate a communication device. "This will allow you to contact me, do so if you need anything or when you deem your people ready."
Xanna took the half-egg shaped device, looking at it curiously and seeing that it had no obvious buttons or anything else.
"You need merely speak into it while holding it." Thor elaborated.
"Cool." Naruto commented, also looking at the strange thingy.
"I must go now." The Asgardian said. "I will transport you back to your planet."
There was no answer and he didn't expect one since it was not Asgard custom to say goodbye. He was however puzzled when the transporter array was unable to lock onto anything. A quick check of the sensors revealed that they were already back on the planet, inside a large palace that had for some reason been invisible to his sensors earlier.
How interesting.
Without another word, Thor directed his ship away from the planet and swiftly jumped into hyperspace, blasting towards the Asgard homeworld at maximum speed.
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"That was a great thing you did for the Asgard." Oma commented approvingly when they reappeared back in the palace, having been watching.
"Yeah, how did they get like that anyway?" Naruto asked, a little perplexed.
"Generation after generation of cloning themselves in an effort to defeat death." Oma answered, feeling sad for their old allies. She had lived out her life in the Pegasus galaxy and had never seen an Asgard before her ascension, but knew them to be a great people, as evidenced by their continued protection of humans in this galaxy. For all their pragmatism, they had a strong sense of duty and ethics.
Their greatest flaw perhaps was their striving for eternal life through science, which had led to their current predicament. There had been some among the Ascended who had wanted to help the Asgard, but the law of non-interference had always prevented it.
"So...they just started cloning themselves and stopped having kids?"
"Yes, they knew that if their people lived forever, they could not continue having children. Eventually, their genetic degradation made certain that they were unable even if they wished to."
"You see, this is why fucking is important and a disinterest in it is dangerous." Naruto stated smugly.
"If you say so Naruto." She replied with a sigh. She refused to be drawn into an argument about sex. He tried to start those far too often.
"Well, I'm off to do something that I've wanted to do ever since I've heard Thor's name." He called out, already leaving.
Oma's sense of Naruto inspired foreboding flared up again. "What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to melt some faces!"
"What?" Oma was baffled. She did not believe he meant that literally, but what kind of euphemism could that possibly be?
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Thor made good time on his return to the Asgard homeworld of Othala, in the galaxy of Ida and wasted no time in informing his fellow members of the High Council of what had transpired.
They had listened carefully and did not interrupted to ask questions in spite of their surprise at his restored appearance.
In the end, they all agreed unanimously that a debt was owed, to be repaid at some undetermined time in the future as per their wishes. Thor was to be sent to the Asgard geneticist Heimdall, to see if his restored body could hold they key to their degenerating genome.
Thor had known this would be the case and accepted it without issue. An undetermined length of time spent being examined by the uncharacteristically excitable Asgard was a negligible price to pay for the salvation of their race. Eventually, he would likely be transferred to a new clone body while his current, restored one was examined with more invasive methods. What Naruto had done was not an instant solution to all their troubles, but it gave them a lot more to work with than they'd ever had.
Before that could happen though, they received a report about a localized space-time disturbance occurring nearby on the planet.
Bringing up a holographic screen, they observed the slight distortion in the air as it disgorged the familiar horned figure of Naruto.
The only difference was that he was now sporting a tremendous beard that was woven into thick braids which reached nearly to his waist, and his upper body was completely bare.
"To be capable of intergalactic travel without any obvious use of technology...even the Ancients could not have managed such a feat." Penegal, one of the High Council said in the warbling language of the Asgard, using one of the other names for the Alterans.
They and the Nox were the only races that the Asgard knew of that had progressed far enough in their evolution to use metaphysical powers, teleportation among them. Though it had been short ranged in their case.
"I do not believe they are a product of evolution." Thor stated, having had some time to consider his strange benefactors. The numerous inconsistencies in their appearance precluded the chance of it being a natural evolution.
There was already a large crowd of curious Asgard looking at the visitor. The crowd had started gathering when Thor had transported himself to the planet, having learned of his restoration. The Asgard government had not bothered to hide anything from the public in a very long time, trusting in their innate sense of reason.
Many had come to see the restored form of their Supreme Commander, obviously hopeful for a solution to their grim fate. Now those curious onlookers were gazing at the one who had appeared out of thin air, wondering what this was about.
"Asgardians! Are you ready...to have your faces melted?!" Naruto bellowed, creating a raised stage out of thin air.
The Asgardians backed off warily at the words, though they were also intrigued at seeing the stage appear without any technological aid.
"I was inspired to do this after hearing the name of the Supreme Commander of your fleet." Naruto explained loudly enough for everyone to hear, creating several clones to handle the positions of drummer, guitarist, bass guitarist and so forth. The casual self-replication startled the Asgard badly.
"Lets do this!"
At his words, the clones with instruments starting playing the instruments, belting out an aggressive tune.
Back in the council chamber, the various council members looked to Thor for an explanation on this strange behavior. "He came here to play music?"
Thor had no explanation to give them. This made as much sense to him as it did to them, which was none at all.
He was spared from saying anything when the skies went dark with looming thunderclouds and Naruto started to sing, loudly bellowing out the lyrics of the song that had been going through his head ever since Thor had introduced himself.
There comes Fenris' twin
His jaws are open wide
The serpent rises from the waves
Jörmungandr twists and turns
Mighty in his wrath
The eyes are full of primal hate
"The weather control arrays are not responding." Another council member said, not sounding overly concerned.
Thor! Odin's son
Protector of Mankind
Ride to meet your fate
Your destiny awaits
Thor! Hlödyn's son
Protector of Mankind
Ride to meet your fate
Ragnarök awaits
Realization filled them as they heard this part of the strangely aggressive song. It was obviously based on the Earth myth of Thor, in his persona as the Thunder God.
Vingtor rise to face
The snake with hammer high
At the edge of the world
Bolts of lightning fills the air
as Mjölnir does its work
the dreadful serpent roars in pain
In time with the lyrics, bolts of lightning did indeed fill the air. Though they didn't strike the ground, but rather simply illuminated the dark clouds from within. By this time, Naruto had also started swinging his head around, making his long hair and newly grown beard fly all over the place.
Thor! Odin's son
Protector of Mankind
Ride to meet your fate
Your destiny awaits
Thor! Hlödyn's son
Protector of Mankind
Ride to meet your fate
Ragnarök awaits
Mighty Thor grips the snake
Firmly by its tongue
Lifts his hammer high to strike
Soon his work is done
Vingtor sends the giant snake
Bleeding to the depths
Twilight of the Thunder God
Ragnarök awaits
Twilight of the Thunder God
Twilight of the Thunder God
Twilight of the Thunder God
Twilight of the Thunder God
Thor! Odin's son
Protector of Mankind
Ride to meet your fate
Your destiny awaits
Thor! Hlödyn's son
Protector of Mankind
Ride to meet your fate
Ragnarök awaits
As Naruto finished the song, only baffled silence remained, the Asgard having never heard anything even remotely similar.
"Damn, tough crowd." He muttered to himself, feeling oddly disappointed that a bunch of aliens who had masqueraded as Viking gods weren't into metal.
"Anyway, I'll be going now. Stay awesome!" And with that, a giant lightning bolt struck the stage, leaving behind only a scorch mark and nothing else.
Back in the council chamber, the same baffled silence reigned for some time, before the Chief Archon of the council summed up their opinions on the whole event with a short sentence.
"What a strange man."
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