Holli tried really hard to just be normal during the day. To be helpful, to chat, to be friendly, and to smile. And when anyone brought up her mother, she donned the appropriate sombre expression and nodded her thanks for the acknowledgement. It was hard, though. And she was so tired.
What few hours of sleep she managed were interrupted by terrible dreams. She knew she had been shot, and she vaguely remembered Katie's state when she'd come into the bathroom. But regaining those memories had made it much more clear. Now she had a face to her shooter and Katie's pleas echoing in her ears. And now she had so many more people in that ice-cold cave. Curtis and Yvette. Her other classmates scattered around with bullet holes in them and pools of blood around them. Her mother was there too, needle in her arm, eyes empty and unmoving.
It all made for fitful nights with little to no rest gained.
She didn't expect it to improve when she got back to Skyhold, but she was still relieved to see the castle come into view. If she had the energy, she would have run across that bridge.
When they got into the courtyard, she slipped away, making for her room. With another sigh of relief she shut the door behind her, dumped her pack on the floor and dropped into the seat at the desk. She sank into it, staring up at the ceiling. It felt like the most privacy she'd had in a long time.
There was only a few hours until dinner time; she would put in an appearance, force something down, then come back to sleep. She would make a detour to storage and get some lyrium. She remembered how Solas had guided her to the Fade. If she could manipulate her own dream, she might actually be able to sleep properly. Banish the nightmares.
She tried to pass the time with reading; there weren't too many books left in here that she hadn't read. She had been steadily working her way through them since claiming this room.
There didn't seem to be a common theme, a wide range of subjects and genres, both fiction and non-fiction. During one particularly slow rainy afternoon, she had organised them.
It felt like forever before dinner rolled around. She'd had a few visitors come in and check on her – Leliana and Josephine, both having heard about her mother and wanting to see if she needed anything. Holli had just smiled and thanked them. Hawke had poked his head in as well but didn't stay long once she assured him she was fine and just resting from the journey.
When she heard another knock on her door, she looked up with a sigh, surprised to find Solas and Cole there. Cole had lingered close by on the trek back but hadn't really talked. Solas was similar but not as close. She had felt his eyes on her though, watching her, picking apart every move she made. Did they see her differently now?
"Hi?" She greeted them, a little confused they were here given the distance since Adamant.
"You're unsure?" Solas asked, his brow furrowed.
Holli shook it off. "No. Um, hi. What's up?"
"We're on our way to the Herald's Rest for dinner; we thought we'd walk with you," he said.
To make sure she ate, most likely.
"Oh," she stood up. "I was just about to go. Thanks."
She followed them out, making their way towards the tavern. She smiled and she chatted, as she'd been doing the whole trek back, commenting on how the repairs and renovations had progressed in their absence.
"You don't have to do it if you're not feeling it," Cole suddenly said, interrupting her.
He'd parroted her words from what felt like a lifetime ago back to her, and it had struck her dumb for a moment. Of course he would be able to hear or feel her hurt.
"Fake it 'til you make it," she shrugged.
"That is not how grief works, Holli," Solas said.
"Well, I don't know how grief works; I've never lost anyone before. I've certainly never killed hundreds of people before either," she snapped, though the last of her statement was more a harsh whisper.
"You didn't kill anyone," Cole said, confusion creeping into his voice.
"He's right," Solas agreed. "Do you still think you hold any responsibility for what happened that day?"
"If I hadn't been there – if I hadn't touched that orb – if I hadn't gone to the bathroom, everything could be different."
"You didn't choose to touch the orb; you were barely conscious. Remember, we all witnessed that memory. What happened was a tragedy, but not one caused by you."
"I didn't cause it entirely, but—"
"You didn't cause it at all."
"Agree to disagree," she shrugged.
Her father had caused it, yes, but because she had been dying. Her father, her problem. And she used to think her mother was a problem...
"No, I will not agree to that." He let out a frustrated sigh. "Words will not convince you. They haven't in the past."
She huffed at that. She had never used magic in her life; why would she believe him just because he said she had it?
They entered the tavern; while it didn't go conspicuously silent, there was a lull in the volume, and her presence drew more than a few looks, sympathetic ones. So everyone knew her mum was dead then.
"Maybe I'll just eat in my room," she said quietly.
"Holli!" Dorian called, waving her over.
He was sitting with Iron Bull, Krem, and Sera. Holli wasn't much in the mood for company, but nor did she want to be rude or give anyone cause for concern. She greeted them all with a smile and sat down, more chairs being pulled up for Solas and Cole.
"You don't often grace us with your presence in the tavern, Solas," Dorian noted.
"Yes, there is a reason for it," he replied, looking unblinkingly at Dorian.
"Starting shit early tonight, I see," Bull muttered into his stein.
By now it was obvious their digs were nothing more than habit, and neither took any real offence to the words. While they did have some fundamental differences and disagreements, they actually got on fairly well.
"What would you like, Holli?" Solas asked, he would go and put the order in with Cabot.
"Does he do cheesy garlic bread?" She asked.
She hadn't had any of her favourites since before coming here. No garlic bread, no pizza, no chips, no berry smoothies. They did have bread that came close, but it didn't have the garlic butter; it was just normal butter and cheese. Maybe garlic bread wasn't a Ferelden thing. She had been planning to gorge herself once she got home, but that wasn't ever going to happen.
"Actually, just worry about you and Cole. I'll be back," she said, getting up and making for the bar. "Hey, Cabot," she greeted.
"Evening, lass. What can I do for you?"
"Can I please use your kitchen and ingredients to make myself something real quick? I won't get in the way."
"I can have someone make it for you; what is it?"
"Just cheesy garlic bread; it's easy; I can do it. You guys look busy."
While there wasn't much in the way of food being made, there were plenty of drinks being served and messes to clean.
"All right, have at it."
"Thanks."
She ducked back into the kitchen. She had been back here a couple of times, not to actually use the facilities though. And she knew there were other kitchens in the bowels of the castle, but the head chef or kitchen master or whatever it was called here was far more strict than Cabot and his people.
One of the serving girls was in there; all the rest were out on the floor. She looked up at Holli's entrance. Holli gave a little wave.
"Hi," she greeted. "Cabot said I could make something."
The girl looked a little startled and bowed low. "O-of course, Lady Herald."
"Just Holli," she said, heading to the pantry to dig up her ingredients. "Where do you keep your butter and garlic?"
The girl quickly jumped to action, fetching more than enough. Holli smiled her thanks and set to work. She wouldn't be doing anything drastic like baking the bread from scratch. They had made loaves already; she just sliced it up, melted some butter, crushed some garlic and sprinkled some salt into it before slathering it into the bread and stuffing it full of cheese. She would have preferred some tin foil to wrap it in, but when she asked, the girl had no idea what she was talking about. All good, all good. She'd make do.
When the cheese was melted and her bread looked nice and toasty, she pulled it out, chopping it up. Cheesy garlic bread was a comfort food, one she could not imagine going the rest of her life without.
She offered some to the serving girl, who hesitantly took a piece, biting into it. Holli was watching for her reaction, so she was probably making the girl uncomfortable.
"Good?" Holli asked.
The girl nodded, wide-eyed, like she was expecting Holli to punish her if she dared say anything to the contrary. Holli just smiled and took her plate out to the table. She slid it to the centre so they could all try if they wanted.
"Rather a lot of cheese," Dorian pointed out.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," she said, biting into her own piece. Not as awesome as some of the ones she'd had in her time, but not the worst either. It was satisfying enough, she supposed. Not quite the taste of home she'd been after. She ate in silence, half listening to the voices around her and waiting for an appropriate amount of time to have passed so she could leave. The company was fine; she just wasn't in the mood for it.
When the plate of garlic bread was gone, she took that as her cue to leave, bidding them goodnight. She wasn't blind to the concerned looks from the others, but no one said anything. At least not to her.
On her way back to her room she detoured to the lyrium storage. It wasn't hard to get some; they all knew she was a mage and that she often worked in the infirmary healing people. And she wasn't asking for a suspicious amount, so it was handed over easily.
Then she returned to her room, changed into her pyjamas, settled into bed and mentally went through the steps she'd taken with Solas to get to the Fade.
He'd said it was different for her, her connection to the Fade more convoluted than most, which he attributed to her otherworldly origins.
For the first time in what felt like a long time, sleep wasn't an unnerving prospect now that she had a plan.