Author Notes:
Yeah... Call me insane, but this Interlude was brought to you all by, well guess what, yourselves! All of this come from a very specific comment with a very specific script that I had no choice but to include it in my recaf-dazed stupor. So...
ENJOY!
P.S: Monthly Recruitment Drive is still up to the 20th of October.
https://www.patreo-n.com/Heartbreak117
https://ko-fi.com/heartbreak117/goal?g=0
Income goal 775/880 USD (UmU)
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"HERE COMES THE EMPEROR OF MAN!" Shouts one of the commentators, an outwardly young girl with blonde hair and yellow eyes. The ever-present grin on the blonde's face is infectious to the lady next to her, a woman with long brown hair and eyes. "OH, WHAT PUNCH! KHORNE IS ONCE MORE BEATEN OFF HIS CHAIR! THE BLOOD GOD IS LEFT REELING FROM THE IMPACT AND HE IS KICKED TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RING!"
Compared to the boisterous commentary of the blonde girl, the brunette next to her is much less so, although there's a small smile on the lady's lips still. "Khorne seems to be a guy that likes to... What is that human expression again? Ah, yes, aura farming with his skull throne. However, there's time and place for everything, and sitting still and hoping his glorified wheelchair can help him tank a punch from a juiced-up Emperor is a foolish endeavor."
"Hahaha! For what it's worth, Khorne did try to upgrade his toilet seat, but it was to no avail! Oh? What's this?" The little blonde commentator leans in, as if trying to take a closer look at the rolling Empyrean sea of the Warhammer universe, or at least one of them. "Nurgle is cooking up something, something quite big inside his potty stomach! Tzeentch is waving his staff around; he is gearing up for a power blast! Slaneesh is still out there in her corner, counting the number of non-existent ants in the Warp! But this could be it, ladies and gentlemen! This could be a turning point in the second 1v4 brawl between the Emperor of Mankind and the four Chaos Gods! It's unknown if Nurgle and Tzeentch have had prior communication to facilitate this sudden two-pronged attack, but it's the first time that any of the four Chaos Gods have seemingly worked together to attack the Emperor! Serina, what are your thoughts on this?"
Being asked by the blonde girl, Serina, the brunette lady replies with a look of intrigue. "That's a bold strategy, Yahweh, we'll see how it pans out."
"That's right, ain't it?" The cheerful commentator, the totally very normal Yahweh, claps her hands together. "Their cultists might have shaken hands with one another on a few occasions, but these are the Chaos Gods we're talking about here! Whether this impromptu alliance will hold is up to anyone's guess!"
"Oh! Here it comes...! AND WHAT A SAVE!" Yahweh jumps, literally stepping a foot on the commentators' desk as she screams into her mic. "THE EMPEROR, IN A BURST OF RESOURCEFULNESS, USES KHORNE'S CHAIR TO PARRY THE POWER BLAST FROM TZEENTCH!"
"OH NO! THE BLAST IS STILL GOING STRONG... AND THE PARRIED POWER BLAST HITS NURGLE RIGHT IN HIS FAMILY JEWELS!!! HOT MAMA ON A BIKE, THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A MARK! BUT WAIT, IT DOESN'T STOP THERE, NURGLE'S SECRET SURPRISE IS NOW RAMPAGING IN HIS BELLY, THE DEVASTATING BLOW TO HIS LEGACY HAS MADE HIM LOST CONTROL OF HIS BOWEL AND HE IS JUMPING AROUND LIKE A MAN SEEKING A LOO!"
"AND HE THROWS UP! GOODNESS GRACIOUS, HE THROWS UP IN KHORNE'S DIRECTION! THE RAMPAGING MIXTURE OF WHATEVER ANTI-DIVINITY GOO HAS STRUCK KHORNE RIGHT IN THE FACE! AND THE BLOOD GOD IS SCREAMING IN PAIN! IN PAIN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND BLOODY MURDER!"
"KHORNE NOW SPORTS A NEW FADE HAIRCUT... BUT IT'S BENT! AND THE BLOOD GOD DOESN'T TAKE TO KINDLY TO NURGLE'S PREMATURE EJACULATION OF HIS BOWEL AND IS COMING AT THE LORD OF DECAY WITH A FLYING SPINNING KICK! THE IMPROMPTU ALLIANCE COLLAPSED AT RECORD SPEED, WITH KHORNE KICKING NURGLE FOR HIS TRANSGRESSION, LEAVING TZEENTCH HOPELESSLY ALONE TO CONTEND WITH A VERY, VERY HAPPY EMPEROR OF MAN!"
And while dear Yahweh is having a blast with her commentary, Serina remains seated, adding with an interesting glint. "And throughout all of that mess, Slaneesh is still off in her own little world like a kid being admonished. God knows what the Emperor did or whispered to her after the bear hug that left her soul leaving her body for a few moments. Do you know anything about that, Yahweh?"
Yahweh nods repeatedly, jutting her chest out with a proud look. "I can assure you, my dear AI friend, I know everything about what the Emperor said to Slaneesh, but I'm not gonna use my position as the Primordial Goddess of Order and Chaos to break you all into the scoop. Something is better off being an intriguing secret for everybody else to figure out!"
Serina smiles understandingly. "Ah, what a teasing little goddess you are then."
"UmU! Physically dead as I am, I can still uphold my professional standards!"
As the brawl devolves into a free-for-all, the two disembodied commentators continue their narrative tasks with equal seriousness and joviality, bringing joy to those in the known across the wider Omniverse.
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Ark Royal looks at the large, archaic television hanging in the corner of the bar with a twitching eyebrow. For a brief moment, she is forced to rethink her life choices thus far as she sees the Emperor use Tzeentch's hand and staff to knock the Changer of Ways in the head, repeatedly, and taunting: "Why're you hitting yourself? Why're you hitting yourself?"
Granted, Ark Royal has only been truly alive for a short period of time, but even she knows just how absurd it is to see a livestream of the Emperor 'going out for a walk to blow off some steam before Ein's eventual arrival in another universe'. The fact that the Emperor somehow wandered and grabbed the four Chaos Gods by the heads for a second beatdown was just a total coincidence. It totally wasn't planned whatsoever, and it totally wasn't because the Emperor had itchy fingers just before Ein and her System make the time in their home universe stop. As for how the timeline works, Ark Royal can only chalk it up to a matter of time being relative. Ark Royal has been watching this beatdown for thirty minutes at least, and Ein is still not even done boarding the Chimera IFV.
Considering the place Ark Royal is in right now, the Random Omniversal Bar, time is also a very nebulous concept, as the owner of this fine establishment can easily determine when Time is allowed to exist. Thinking this far, Ark Royal feels a pained throb on her temple as she reaches her fingers up to massage it. The bartender and the owner of R.O.B, Viola, notice Ark Royal's discomfort and step closer. Separated by the bar counter, Viola casually asks while cleaning an empty wine glass.
"First time?"
Ark Royal stops her action, sighing, before turning around to face Viola. She tunes out the two-tone commentary from the faux archaic TV set in the corner before replying. "First time for what? The Emperor brawling the very things I am wary of, or the fact that we somehow have a supposedly dead Biblical god, which is actually a female and is more powerful than she is in the Bible, and a Smart AI from a random ass voidship being live commentators for the bonkers stuff we are seeing?"
Ark Royal doesn't think she is in any shape or form to make additional comments about Yahweh. She is much too sober for that still, but she does know that Serina is the Smart AI from the UNSC Spirit of Fire. A voidship that Ein gifted to the Emperor to be stripped of its worthwhile technologies for reverse engineering. And for the little while that Ark Royal is physically up and about, Serina has been her playmate and helping her to get acquainted with the universe of the 40th millennium. Despite the Emperor's understandable distaste for artificial intelligence, she's surprisingly flexible when it comes to dealing with an AI from a different universe altogether. For once, Serina is put through the wringer of an astronomical amount of paperwork whenever she is not accompanying Ark Royal. This arrangement saves the Emperor precious time to ponder more critical stuff, but it also nearly causes Serina to go into a dangerous phase known as Rampancy in a matter of minutes, if not for the Emperor flexing Her Omnisiah muscles to do away with the Smart AI's limitations. Clearly, the humongous amount of data in the Emperor's paperwork nearly cost Serina her entire lifespan of a measly seven years.
So, with the Emperor's upgrade and approval, a literal desk slave is born in the form of Serina, a former Smart AI of the UNSC Spirit of Fire and the current AI Adjutant of the up-and-coming Ark Mechanicus-class Ark Royal. And frankly, Ark Royal isn't envying Serina's position or anything. With how much stuff the Emperor subjects Serina to on a daily basis, it's no wonder that the AI develops a very sarcastic and detached attitude to cover up her more compassionate one. Unless one gets to know Serina like Ark Royal did, people will not be able to look past the AI's veneer of analytical and uncaring philosophy.
But that will be something that future Ark Royal and Serina will have to deal with. Going back to Ark Royal's question, the bartender shrugs with a soft, easy smile; her supposedly beautiful eyes seem to remain closed on a regular basis. "How about both?"
Ark Royal scoffs. "Yeah... Yeah, all of these, and those, are my first time, literally."
Viola chuckles sonorously, an orchestra of audio that can captivate anyone and everyone with a weaker will. "Well then, you're technically underage, given that you're only reborn into a KANSEN recently... But considering your mental age..."
Ark Royal rolls her eyes before knocking a couple of times on the scented wood bar counter. "Then yeah, I am way overdue for a stiff drink."
Viola smiles before putting away the glass she just wiped clean. Reaching for a cabinet out of sight, the bartender then pulls up onto the bar counter a large bell-shaped whisky glass. She then tops it off with two ice cubes before reaching behind her to grab a green alcohol bottle with the word 'Ardbeg' prominently displayed on it. Uncorking it, Viola then pours Ark Royal the natural clear pale straw yellow liquid. After giving Ark Royal a generous portion of whisky, Viola then recorks the bottle, saying softly as she pushes the chilled alcohol glass to the KANSEN. "Ardbeg Ten single malt whisky, on the rocks. This is clearly not something I would recommend for a normal beginner, but I think not even you consider yourself to be normal, Ark Royal."
Rather than replying, Ark Royal lets out an acknowledging grin as she picks up the glass of cool whisky and brings it up to her nose. She then breathes in the freezing aromas of flowers and smoky, zesty, sweet lemon sherbet, spices, and refreshing yellow fruits. And then comes the tasting, it is a hugely complex whisky with bold yet elegantly combined flavours. With ice, the Ardbeg Ten is transformed into a fruity floral, sweet single malt with the taste of lemon and vanilla cheesecake out of all things.
"With ice, because it tones down the peat dominance compared to when you drink it neat, you notice a lot sweeter barley maltiness, right? It is also easier for someone like you as well." Viola helpfully adds as Ark Royal's brain processes the quite frankly enigmatic and perplexing chameleon of a whisky.
The KANSEN savors the drink bit by bit, ultimately finding herself captivated by the seriously deep malt for serious whisky lovers.
"Alright, I'll bite." Ark Royal lets out a contented, hot sigh. "Next time, I'll drink this neat."
Viola smiles warmly as the KANSEN continues to savor her whisky. For some reason, the sight of a tall lady in a Victorian-era suit enjoying a cool glass is more than enough to make the bartender's day a good one. Any bartender worth a damn, no matter how powerful or well-connected they are, enjoys serving a good drink to a good guest the most.
"Say, when will Ein reach her Master again? I'd better see her livestream soon, or else I will lose it with all the commentaries about the Emperor slamming the Chaos Gods silly. Who the hell would even watch that brawl anyway?" Ark Royal nods, making a conscious decision to ignore the ongoing battle still being broadcast on the TV.
Viola puts a finger beneath her chin as her closed-eyes gaze to point unknown. "Huhm... it should be any moment now. You should see Ein's livestream shortly."
"Urgh... Thank God." Ark Royal says with a relieved sigh.
Viola giggles at this. "Your God is busy being a sports commentator, my dear. And for what it's worth, some people pay Yahweh good money to see the Emperor in action."
"... Do I even want to know why a supposedly dead Goddess needs the money for?" Ark Royak deadpans.
Viola shrugs with a smile. "Apparently, Yahweh runs out of money to buy some Gunplas that she has been eyeing. For the uninitiated they are basically robot model kits."
Ark Royal sighs even harder at this information. "I seriously didn't need to hear that, Viola... I need my emotional support Ein to counteract all of this... Chaos."
Viola pats Ark Royal's on the shoulder as she slums forward. "You'll live."