"You haven't answered me yet. Then why do I have to tell you anything?" he said trying to keep her from prying deep within his secret, "It doesn't seem fair to me."
Logically, while May had shared her most important secret with him, logically she also hadn't answered the question he had asked her, yet. So, August tried to turn the tables on her, making her conscious about the fact towards what she felt most sensitive, emotionally. It was a cheap trick obviously but he did that just to keep her within limits.
By reminding her that she was also bound by the limitations of keeping something from him. Which made the fact more logical that he wasn't inclined to answer when she herself hadn't answered him yet.
If he pressed the topic enough, which was difficult for her to answer, she would surely ditch her investigation into his secret or that was what he thought.
"What am I hiding?" she said in a low voice.
"..uh…yes" he replied hesitatingly, "..and you know that wasn't the answer that you told me last time."
Indeed, while May had told August all about her condition, she hadn't answered his question properly yet. August thought if she didn't share that last time, she wouldn't surely confess to him this time.
"...It's my death" she replied in the same low voice, hiding her tears while looking down, "the secret …the big secret that I am hiding August, is that I …am afraid of dying." For a while the place fell deathly silent making August feel every word that came out of her mouth.
'Man, I am such a jerk. What have I done'
The evening breeze blew gently while May continued,
"You'd probably think of me as a crazy girl, like why would I be afraid of death when I know that I will be dying soon. Doesn't make sense, right? But please, do believe me when I say that being in the midst of a battlefield surrounded by countless monsters doesn't scare me. I am not saying it doesn't scare me at all I …Iam saying that it hurts more when I think of my brother who would probably blame himself for the rest of his life after i've gone, my father who would waste most of his precious moments mourning me and my mother who can't even make herself to believe that her daughter would be dying soon."
August didn't say a word but cursed himself inwardly more and more for doing what he had done while May took a deep breath and continued,
"It hurts August, when you meet people and all they have to offer you is their pity. It hurts when you can't make friends because of how weird you are compared to the rest of the children of noble families. And then it hurts more when your brother has to look after you, take care of you resulting in him being isolated too."
Saying that May tried to resist but at the end she burst into tears, and started to cry like a toddler in front of him,
"Damian …he didn't have friends. He had become an outcast just because of me. I wonder who will look after him when I am gone."
She remained silent for a moment as August was left speechless. He couldn't comprehend how he was supposed to react here.
After some moments of silence, May spoke the next words trying to compose herself by letting out a silent chuckle. Tears still flowing down her beautiful face,
"...ah what am I doing? Sorry… I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I was asking you to trust me just like I decided to put my faith in you. I chose to trust you because you seemed different or weird maybe for treating me like a normal person."
Her smile grew wider as though remembering something funny suddenly,
"You never looked at me with pity. There were other emotions in your eyes though, ignorance, annoyance, arrogance I think. Just so let you know I don't mind all that, you have your reasons to be annoyed with people. I just wanna say that you were the only one who ever asked me about what I feel. I bet it wasn't even important to you but you did anyway."
Something about her expressions changed,
"That's why August I think you may be the first friend that I have or my only friend that ever will be. So, I wanted to help you, that's all. Like you wanted this burden of mine to be shared just so I would feel a little lighter. And you know what? I do feel a bit relieved. Not enough to face the fear of my death though. But I do."
She leaned back on her chair looking at him with somber expression,
"That's why I am asking you, no, I am requesting you to share— what you are hiding from others —with me. I know the time we spent together wasn't enough for both of us to be close enough to share our deepest secrets, but for a person whose death could come any minute, it was a lifetime."
With a subtle smile that didn't reach her deep blue eyes she said,
"That's why I am asking you to trust me, to put your faith in me. Of course if you don't feel that way you can think of it as a transaction with a dying person. I mean what can I possibly do? Who can I possibly tell?"
As the unsettling silence lingered in the room, between them she ended her attempt to convince him with a distant gaze and aloof expression,
"I don't have time.
I can feel my death coming closer.
And if I can help my friend before that, then it might not all be in vain afterall."
Once, August had asked the girl to tell him the truth, then he thought of it as helping her by easing up the burden but the truth wasn't something he himself was ready to hear, August found out the hard way obviously.
He wasn't so sure about what kind of serious predicament he had let himself in. Even that according to him wasn't a reason for him to spill everything about himself. Something which he had kept from his mother and father for so long.
What happens when May decides to tell everything to his mother or her own father? It would mean that his attempts to hide his secret about the echoes and his sufferings were all for nothing.
So what would he do now?
How was he supposed to get out of this situation where this strange girl had poured her heart out and was trying to get something in return which obviously did not cost more than the secret of her life.
"Fine," he said after contemplating for a while. May was wiping her tears off sitting in the silent room, "B–But before that" he sighed with his heart felt heavy, "I ..never intended to hurt you by reminding of that bitter truth when I asked you that question. I never knew. Believe me."
"I know" She said, trying to muster up a faint smile, "because of my core element I can tell what kind of person you are and after spending even this little time with you. I can confirm that."
August had many questions about the aspect she wielded of course when May mentioned the nature of her core element.More than that however, he felt a strange sense of relief when she confronted him with her words making an uneasy feeling go away which had settled in his heart subconsciously, back when he had asked her the question.
From a corner of his heart, August for some reason knew the gravity of her condition and he decided to ask her anyway.
And it was his time to answer what he tried to avoid for many years while praying that may find in her heart to keep his secret only to herself as well.
He took a deep breath and spoke without any emotion behind his words,
"It's hard to explain really but I will try. I keep having these dreams, these nightmares of some strange kind. Everytime I open my eyes I find myself standing in the middle of some alien landscape. I spend hours gazing at the beauty of the land before me, and experience like I was literally standing there even after being fully aware that I am watching a dream."
Under the effect of some uneasy memories he shifted uncomfortably,
"I can't tell you the exact thing because it is something that I myself keep forgetting about. I don't remember the details of those places of course because that's also something which floods my memories when I am only experiencing another nightmare."
"Then…" May asked seriously, "How did you even remember all this?"
"…because" he replied, "there exists a specific pattern in my nightmares."
"What kind of pattern?" may asked as the silence once again settled in the corners of the room.
He had decided to tell May everything he experienced, this was something no person other than him was aware of. But for some reason August felt reluctant to share any other piece of his secret from here. He felt a strange sense of unease like there was something wrong. Like there was something or someone or he himself trying to keep him from talking.
However he did anyway.
"Like something bad is gonna happen" he said trying to endure the uneasiness, "that's the feeling I keep having in all those places. Because not a single one of my dreams have a good ending." he said trying to remember some hazy memories of the recent dream, "sometimes I feel extreme heat, like everything around me is burning or …or everything is being consumed by utter darkness." he said stumbling upon his own words, "B—But it's not the scenario what's important, It's that ominous feeling I keep having inside those dreams and that is why I call them nightmares."
Looking down he endured the strain of his estranged memories on his mind and spoke with a faint smile,
"I know you don't believe me which is perfectly fine but I do believe there is some kind of meaning behind all of this." As the silence lingered again for a while he looked at the unreadable expression of the girl before and said after taking a deep breath,
"Yeah, I know I am being delusional aren't I"
"No" as though sensing his doubtful gaze May replied, "...but there's more, isn't it?"
While August told her everything that had happened to him there was still an important detail remaining that he purposefully left out. Something which could very well have him labelled as an insane person or someone with delusional disorder of some kind. That was something ambivalent mages were destined to be after all, having been neglected by the realm of magic.
Not that he could blame her for doubting his sanity though. That conclusion was something that he himself had in his mind as a result of his ambivalence. But August ruled off that possibility for now because he wanted to think of himself as a person with his sanity intact.
Therefore the possibility of May questioning his mental state would be very high when she would be informed that he is an ambivalent.
Also this was a secret which he kept within his heart for a long time so he did not want the person whom he was telling it to discard him as a mental patient obviously. If nothing more, he wanted them to listen to him and to not judge his condition if possible.
But, the world doesn't play fare. He was already backed up in a corner where he had to share everything.
Therefore he did,
"Maybe the important part is that I am ambivalent and keep having these sessions at irregular time intervals with echoes of various elements that assaults me, my mind, my very being. The deepest parts of my consciousness that I myself can't explain to you properly. I am sorry"
"The echoes…" May said, trying to find the right words, "Can't it be that these nightmares you keep having are because of them?"
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