Since the previous night, it had appeared that I was missing a puzzle piece. Rem had been crying without telling me a reason, even begging me not to ask her. The previous days before that night, she had been her usual self.
What the fuck went wrong?
To the point of wanting to take a dunk in fucking lava. She always kept me on my toes, even in the safest places, but this time felt different. While I sat on the forest ground, I tried to reflect on what had happened to get me in this situation.
The first thing that came to mind was that I had grown soft, much like Rem had said the previous night.
You really did make me softer than those marshmallows you forced down my throat in Niamoor. I mean… they were deliciously soft, but not the point.
I should've grabbed her by her pretty face to shut her up, but I didn't want to hurt her.
Foolish of me. Rem's too stupid to understand by actions alone. You never once forced me to do anything, especially to say I love you.
The hot springs weren't the first time those words slipped out of me, but my stupid pride made me hold back when the surrounding butterflies too enticed her to hear me. However, I had a feeling that even if she heard me, it wouldn't have changed a thing.
No, you're too fucking stubborn, but I know how I'll beat it into that silly little head of yours. Whenever this stupid order ends, I won't be gentle at all.Oh, no... you don't deserve a soothing touch after what you did to me. No, I'll make you hear me no matter what.
A soft chuckle left me before I licked my lips.
Perhaps even fuck you right in front of Lilith if that's what it takes for you to realize that you're my mate.
The elf had barely been on my mind since I met this luma in that lake.
Fuck, even before I got into this timeline, my anger and rage were first to Lilith, as I didn't care who I hurt as long as they felt the agony I endured. You were just a fuel for it. I can't deny that I wanted to be with you, but we never had love.
My relationship with Lilith differed from what I had with this stupid little luma. No matter how much I pushed her away or hurt her, she still came for me. She broke through every wall I had ever placed in my heart effortlessly.
Even when Rem saw my ugly side, she still said she loved me. When she was crying for me in that cave, thinking I had died, I couldn't handle it anymore. My heart wanted to let her in, no matter what I tried to shove her away.
I was so scared of being hurt that I was a damned fool.
Then, when she kissed me, I couldn't help but respond to her loving every minute.
I still, to this day, don't understand why you pulled away from me instead of letting me hold you. If you hadn't, you wouldn't have been in danger, and I would've embraced you so much more gently than I did when I…
Seeing her slipping away in my arms after touching that crystal showed me how precious this luma was becoming to me.
I've never begged for help before. Not even when Lilith died, or I was a prisoner… I never bend my knee to anyone.
When I found Rem was under me instead of Lilith, after ingesting that drug, I felt relief as well as a bunch of other emotions that masked it.
I didn't understand why you'd go that far for me.
It was the first time I had felt mixed emotions like that. After I told her what I had gone through, I thought she would be disgusted with me, yet the little luma wanted me and moaned for me.
At that moment, I fell deeper in love with you, yet I was so guarded that I fooled myself into thinking it was nothing. I simply didn't wasn't to get hurt by you or anyone else.
However, when it came to light that my suspicions of the elf that helped save Rem were true, I lost it to the point I would hurt her just to kill him. Even though I killed a man in front of her, she opened her arms and accepted me again, leaving me in euphoria the entire time I was in her embrace.
It almost felt too good to be true. I just had to keep telling myself it was temporary, but… then came the night in the bioluminescent lake, which turned out to be magical.
I realized the feelings brewing within me for the stupid little luma in my arms weren't stoppable.
That was when I promised myself to live for you instead of my pain. I wanted to keep you close so you wouldn't feel any of the agony I felt. Yet I… couldn't express what I felt for you so openly.
What if… Oh, how dumb I was even to think you were in love with fantasy when you showed me otherwise so many times.
These past six months have been the happiest since I was thrown into the political power of the Lycans.
It was crushing! I… No one ever wanted me but what I was. So, accepting you was… No, it isn't easy, but this… This is…
The last night we spent in Zent left me baffled about why Rem acted so weirdly on the night of the spring.
Somehow, you found out where to find Lilith. My only guess was that one ghost that plagued you found you while I was away. Fuck, I should've forced you to come into that bathroom with me.
A mistake I wouldn't allow again.
Stupid girl, I'm fine leaving the elf dead. I forgot the promise you made me until a couple of hours ago when you reminded me of it.
The thoughts of a dead lover coming back became irrelevant with the more time I spent with Rem. However, I felt some responsibility for saving Lilith since I caused her death, but that was where my feelings ended for her.
It's interesting that for centuries, I dreamt of the day of being reunited with you, but when I saw you, I felt nothing. You were just another body I had slept with in the past. A feeling I wasn't sure I would have.
I felt happier during the months I was with Rem than during the two years I spent with Lilith. She never treated me like the little luma did.
No, Lilith never cared for me. A realization hit me when you showered me with genuine affection without expecting anything back.
The elf I thought I cared for hated when I got too affectionate with her, insisting we only fucked with our clothes on. Most of our moments happened in the clinic, where she would spend most of the time.
I can't lie and say I didn't find that attractive about you, but that was because all the women around me were jumping me. After all, I was the first Lycan born under a red moon.
Truthfully, I was hesitant to tell Rem how I felt about her because if I had ever seen Lilith, I thought I would've felt something.
Part of me didn't want to get the little luma's hopes up for nothing, yet when I saw you in that forest. With all those beautiful butterflies flying around you, I stared at a goddess that shone a light into my world.
The words slipped out of my mouth before I realized what I said.
Of course, you asked me to repeat it like you hadn't heard me, and stupid me had to back off like an idiot.
It wasn't brilliant of me to think that.
No, it's the biggest mistake I've ever made.
Rem had been there since I came to this era, and I wanted her to stay by me. When we came to Allora, I felt like I wanted to get the fuck away from there.
Why? Well, I don't have fond feelings for this continent, and the last time I was here, I lost something I valued. The last thing I wanted was to lose you, too.
Since we stepped onto this god-awful continent, an unpleasant feeling was growing in my gut.
Something kept nagging at me, yelling to take you away from here, but you didn't listen.
It was similar to what I felt the day they killed Lilith. Back then, the elf denied leaving with me, too. However, the clinic was always first for her, and I came second, unlike Rem, who placed me before herself.
Fuck, it seems the women of my life never listen to me.
No, instead of telling me why we were there. Rem ordered me to go forward into the unknown as the horrific feeling gripped my core and wouldn't let go. Then I spotted Lilith in the village we used to live in, and it was like seeing a fucking ghost I never wanted to meet again.
Her clinginess to me was what was annoying.
Something you never did while in your first life.
Worse yet, Rem avoided me in every sense of the word.
All that worried me was you, my little luma. I should've been more vigilant with you.
I knew Rem was hurting before we got to Allora, but I couldn't have guessed it was because of Lilith.
You should've talked to me! I would've assured you of my feelings right in front of her!
When she bolted away from us, Lilith held me back, which caused me to snap at her for holding onto me so much.
You were… never been like this before!
I honestly couldn't care if it was a life revelation or something else. All I wanted was to go after Rem, and she was being more than a hindrance. If only I had not caused her death…
I… would've ended her right there.
"Let me go of me already!" I growled at Lilith, who held onto me relentlessly.
Every fiber of my body boiled as I wanted nothing more than to rip myself from her.
But I owe you since you died because I refused to let you go once. Fuck… Rem, you've made me so soft.
Usually, I was the one chasing her in my youth.
I was only eighteen when I met you. Young and dumb, like the elders named me when they caught me once I was twenty.
The memories that flowed into me when Lilith held me weren't pleasant.
Your touch will never compare to the little luma. Perhaps if we had been different, I would feel something, but… No… Rem… She isn't replaceable like you.
"Don't go!" She clung to me despite my warning.
Hah… If death changed you, it's far too late for that. My heart already belongs to someone else who warmed it beyond belief. It belongs to the girl who cared more about my happiness than hers.
A sharp growl left my lips as my eyes shifted toward where Rem had run. Even though she was a Luma, she was plenty fast, which meant I had to get going if I wanted to find her.
This fucking elf… Fuck, all I ever wanted was your touch, but now it's nothing more than a hindrance!
All these years, I idolized her while hiding all the bad parts of our relationship.
If you truly loved me, I would have been your number one priority, like I am for Rem, but for you, it was always your job—one you refused to leave and died for!
Her presence in my heart vanished, replaced by Rem, who loved me for me, flaws and all, not because I had power, not because of my genes, not because of my appearance, but for me. It reminded me of when I sensed an alluring presence entering this world.
Wait, was it even your mother who I felt or you?
The past, present, and future merged when I was stuck in that timeless prison. Thus, time was irrelevant to me, even though I felt it slipping through my fingers.
I… fucked up, didn't I?
Rem and her mother shared a similar essence, which I was reluctant to see when I met the little luma.
I mean, they are both mothers and daughters, so it's normal, but… Why do I feel this way? It feels like I'm forgetting something important. Fuck it doesn't matter.
Lilith had been getting in my way since she arrived. When the chains sprouted, she tackled me into that building, keeping me from protecting Rem.
"What the fuck, Lilith!? Let me fucking go already!" I yanked my arm out of her fingers hard enough to hurt but not to rip them from her.
I had already taken her life once, and I had also once cared for her in another life. Her grey eyes flew open, and her jaw dropped upon witnessing that reaction come from me. Her expression did not affect me, though, even though we had laid together many times.
Something felt off about you, but I guess you've always been this way. My obsession with you just blinded me, but those blinds are off.
Even if it weren't, I wouldn't return to her side after tasting what genuine affection was.
Why did I ever love you, or were you a trophy I won when everyone else kept telling me what to do? Ah, you were nothing but an act of rebellion.
"But we have to—" Lilith tried to reach for me as I stepped away from her.
I took a few steps back from her.
Everything has been so messed up since you and I got to Allora.
My little Luma was acting out of character and losing herself to her curse.
I was right; we should never have come here.
Rem was the only thing in my mind, even when I was alone with the person I wanted for as long as I could remember.
That seals the deal. My feelings for you are undeniable.
Lilith had become to me what I was to her so long ago—something replaceable. No one could substitute Rem, so I had to end whatever Lilith felt for me. Even if it was something as simple as I reminded her of home, I didn't care.
The elf was no longer mine or I hers.
Rem, you're mine, and I'm yours, which is something I need to ensure you know.
Of course, I had failed miserably before that much was clear, but I would try to fix that. However, I first needed to end this.
"Look, a lot of time has passed since I last saw you. I won't hurt you for getting in my way because of our past, and that's all it'll ever be." I breathed, taking a few more steps away before shifting my gaze towards her.
Tears streamed down her eyes as she shook her head, "No—"
"Keep getting in my way, and I'll rip you out, too. I'm not the man you knew either way. It's better this way. So, now that you have a life again, live it without me. You did as much before." I smirked, not allowing Lilith to speak to me before I shifted and bolted after Rem.
Luckily, she was easy to find. Even though she had a lead on me, her scent was so familiar that I could tell it apart from everything around us. It wasn't long until I spotted her in the illuminance mushroom forest.
Shit… Surely, you know about the dangers of being here, right?
I was about to step towards her when she broke down crying, freezing me right where I was.
No… I can't do this halfheartedly like I've been doing this whole time. How do I… get you to listen to me?
Most of the time, my words always came out backward; even when they came out right, they didn't reach her.
Twice, I've told you how I felt, and both rolled off you, so how… do I…
Everything I did lacked some aspect, or perhaps she simply didn't believe me.
There was a time I thought no one would care for me, too, yet your scars seem to run more profound than I first thought.
This was probably the hardest thing I had ever done and was terrifying.
"Why... couldn't it have been me? Why... was I born in this era? Ah... I never had a chance, did I, Alijah?" Rem sobbed, prompting me to wince.
Oh, baby girl, what are you saying? You… couldn't have been born in my era. You would've been killed off or used as a slave. I… I'm glad you were born now with a family that no doubt loves you. Those brothers or yours assured me of that.
Even though I wanted to hold her in my arms, I held off as I knew it wouldn't end well.
I… don't know how to break you out of that denial. You're the only one in my heart.
"Hah, I guess I can relish that victory. I made the craziest Lycan alive a big softy!" She declared into the void as my eyes twitched.
Oi… Yes… you did turn me into a softy. Why are you a random tornado?
"Ah… It isn't enough." She broke again as I released a heavy sigh.
I'll… show you more if you let me.
Sadly, at that point, I felt she was radioactive and needed space to process everything.
However, now that I'm thinking about it, waiting for this stupid order to end, I'm just as foolish as you, Rem. I should've run to hold you and never let you go.
I stayed put, thinking it was a beast until she threw a rock at a poisonous mushroom. At first, I couldn't believe she stared at the spores like they weren't dangerous.
I mean, they were beautiful, but they were too fucking close to you. I quickly realized you wouldn't move since you know you are Rem.
The luma probably didn't know what the fuck she was doing, which ended with me getting fired up at her ignorance.
I guess we shared Lycan's temper since you quickly matched it.
It wasn't the right move, but I couldn't help but think if I hadn't been there.
You would've been dead!
However, I ended up in a worse position than I could've ever thought, thanks to my anger.
With no one but myself to blame, I quickly found out how ludicrous Rem could be when she went haywire.
The answer is very. You know, if you wanted to assault someone and make it look like a rape, maybe stop crying while you do it?
Even in my humanoid form, I could smell her tears.
Really, what kind of rapist cries while they assault their victim? It's really a first for me.
This was a welcome change after being on the receiving end for two years.
Of course, you forgot what I said to you the previous night. My consent, I never took it back, Rem, but be wary that I'll make you cry the next time I get my hands on you. There are many things I need to do to you for all those bites and that little naughty kiss.
Instead of making her weep in pain, though, I would make her unable to live without me.
So... that little luma would never dare think of giving me away again.
Even though I wanted to take off what blinded me, all I could do was fix my clothes as she wanted, but they soon would come off either way.
If you want my pup, I'll gladly put one in your womb or ten. I still haven't decided how many to have with you.
Though, it wasn't lost on me that when Rem ordered that, it was probably to make me hate her.
Stupid girl, you're so readable. Fuck… This morning's kiss… You're so silly getting startled when I opened my mouth to let you in like I would never bite to hurt you.
However, ordering me to sit there for an entire hour was overkill. At least it gave me time to collect my thoughts and answer every ridiculous question she threw at me.