Delicious Crackers – Part 1
On a sunny, cloud-free day, somewhere on the vast ocean of the New World, our favorite pirate ship drifted leisurely towards its next destination. The crew was having a wonderful time enjoying a nice, peaceful day and an assortment of delicious snacks. Even the local dolphins, which were alarmingly huge, happily swam about the ship and repeatedly jumped up into the air with an energetic glee. It was quite the sight, actually.
Much to everyone's surprise, however, the one they thought would enjoy such a day the most was currently taking a nap out in the open. Seeing their captain randomly take a nap, in the middle of the day no less, was truly a rare sight to behold. This was a perfect time for the crew to get some much-needed break from the usual, loud and sometimes obnoxious roars Luffy was capable of. One after the other, his most trusted nakama crouched down around him and began to plot his demise; or in this case, how to keep him asleep for as long as possible.
"You know, we could just leave him be…"
"Are you serious?! Why on earth would we let such an opportunity go to waste?"
"Yohoho… Not so loud, Franky – you could wake him up if you're not careful."
"I think Usopp has a point, though… Maybe it would be better just leaving him be – We shouldn't be so greedy.
"Pff! That's suuuuper-weak, Chopper! A man either goes all in, or not at all!"
"But I'm a reindeer…"
Whilst the majority of the boys debated amongst themselves, the women were having a much more carefree pastime of sunbathing with one of the skimpiest bikinis they could find. The few strings and small patches of cloth, which their attires consisted of, left very little to the imagination. Of course, it was completely natural to wear very little when working on your tan but it was definitely not the only reason; there were a few other benefits as well.
"Ooooooooooooh, my wonderful angels… What a magnanimous, glorious and utterly spectacular day we have been blessed with today!" Sanji swooned and twirled towards the two lightly-clad girls. "I come bearing gifts for my precious darlings…"
Coming to a gracious halt with one knee resting neatly on the grassy deck, Sanji held aloft his silver tray and presented the afternoon delights. Chuckling and smirking, both girls happily accepted their share of the treats and gave them a taste. Although Sanji would perform these kind gestures no matter what they wore, his energy always seemed to correspond to the amount of skin they showed; the more they revealed, the more pampering they received.
"Thank you, Sanji!" Nami chirped, munching joyfully on one of the cookies. "These are my favorites!"
"Fufufu… You spoil us so."
"Oh, right!" he suddenly, and alarmingly roared. "How could I have forgotten?!"
Before they could ask him what was wrong, Sanji had already disappeared into the kitchen with a terrifying speed. They could hear him rummaging around in there, muttering something inaudible before resurfacing and darting right back at them. With a far less dignified approach, Sanji landed awkwardly between the two confused ladies and picked himself up from the ground. As he collected himself and fixed his ruffled clothes, he smiled gently and leaned in.
"You wouldn't know where Carrot is?" he asked nervously. "I seem to have forgotten her treats."
"I believe she is taking a bath." Robin replied.
"B-B-Bath?!" Sanji lit up like a star and immediately flung himself towards the direction of the crew's latest, and very lovely, nakama. "Wait for me, my fuzzy flame!"
"This isn't going to end very well…" Nami sighed.
In the meanwhile, Zoro stared lazily out the window of the Crow's Nest, watching for any changes in the horizon. He was bored out of his mind and not even the comfort of his many weights could ease the pain of this mundane task. Besides the periodical peeks he snuck in, just to check what the rest of his friends were up to, all his eyes could see was the interior of his, supposedly, personal training room and the vast, endless ocean which surrounded the ship.
Out of sheer boredom, he placed himself in the middle of the room and wondered what to do. He could always do more training, but there was something lacking for him in that regard. There's only so much strength can do to improve his skills. "Maybe I should meditate…" he thought, but even that seemed mildly interesting to the swordsman. No matter what he came up with, it didn't seem all that great to him; no, he wanted something else entirely.
"I could really use a drink right about now…" he muttered and slowly made his way towards the tiny fridge which Franky had recently installed. "Now let's see here…"
But, as he opened the door, he quickly realized that the relief he sought was not there; the fridge was completely empty. Feeling a vein form on his forehead, Zoro growled and slammed it shut. Going back to his previous position, he crossed his arms and legs out of sheer frustration and peered out through the window once more, hoping that there would be a change of scenery; there was not. He let out a sigh and leaned his head against the wall.
Then, after the longest hour of his life, a jolt of brilliance struck him like a bolt of lightning. Zoro jumped up to his feet and quickly made his way to the hatch; "of course…" he thought, "If there's no booze up here, then I can just go to the kitchen and grab some more!" Why he hadn't thought of that until now was beyond him, but at least he had a goal for now. Zoro would never usually abandon his post, even for a few minutes, but this matter was far too important to ignore.
With a new-found purpose in life, the swordsman quickly opened the hatch and simply dropped right through it; he couldn't be bothered using any slower means to descent the mast. But, what he didn't realize was that if someone were to approach from below, things would get really messy, and very quickly. Unfortunately, this is exactly what happened.
Below him, completely unaware of the falling man, Sanji slowly made his way towards the lookout in order to refill the empty fridge. Zoro's perception of life and the very reason for its existence, crumbled the very moment he noticed his climbing rival. He, who had not anticipated anyone to be coming up his way, had his legs spread and slightly bent in order to support the impact of his fall. Being caught in such a predicament, Zoro could not summon any amount of effort on his part to even hope to save him from his awful destiny. All he could do was watch in horror as his unprotected loins rapidly approached the yellow tuft of hair.
As if things could not get any worse, Sanji, being the observant man that he was, noticed that something was very wrong and instinctively peered up above him. He had never witnessed anything scarier in his entire life. Shrieking internally, he instantly froze in place due to the sheer panic which embraced his body. With a silent scream and bulging eyes, Sanji stared at the incoming black blob and steeled himself for its imminent impact with his face. What happened next, if witnessed by a fortunate onlooker, only transpired for a few seconds and did not seem to be that big of a deal. For Sanji and Zoro, however, not even several eternities of torture could compare to the tremendously hellish and traumatic experience they were about to endure.
The very moment Sanji's skin touched the collection of cloth, which held all the unsightly, mossy parts of his adversary's posterior, his face instantly shriveled up with a fierce disgust. His wrinkled expression burrowed slowly into the firm thighs and all the horrors which sat between them. The detail of these unspeakable objects grew terrifyingly accurate as they and he became one. At this point, Sanji dropped the booze he was carrying and began to peel off from the mast, feeling his body bend downwards towards the ground.
It would not take long until the position of his body had entirely shifted, with his head now sitting where his feet use to be. During this transition, his tormented face had grinded and spun against the metaphorical gate of hell until his chin was now the only thing pushing up against it. With his feet dangling far above him, Sanji, and his seemingly lifeless body, descended towards the deck at a rapid pace. Many thoughts swirled inside the cook's head, most of them curses, but more prominently was the one which he would blissfully enact, as a final act of revenge, upon the mossy butthole.
Above him, Zoro was pondering much of the same as he watched his beloved alcohol flutter in the wind. If he could only manage to grab one of them, then he could relish in the comforts of just one more drink before violently stabbing the man between his legs. This was a mercy he would not be given. Instead, whilst still dozen of feet in the air, all Zoro could feel was the wriggling of the many shifting facial expressions against his squishy bits; until it was replaced by the bony chin, of course.
Once the impact with the grassy deck finally arrived, Zoro poured all of his strength and effort into his legs to dampen his fall. It took everything he had, and a little more, to prevent having Sanji's head push even further up his bum. As he stood there, legs trembling from immense exertion, he panted deeply as sweat poured down his face. His eyes were locked to the individual below him, who just barely peeked out underneath his groin. The fiery, bloodshot globes glared back at him with a fierce and murderous gaze; Sanji was not happy.
A few yards away from them, the group of men who had just dumped Luffy inside of a random barrel and tied it up with chains, glanced over in the direction of the commotion. They couldn't quite comprehend what they were looking at, but Zoro's crotch was definitely doing something to Sanji's head. On the other side, Nami and Robin, who had a much better view of it all, tried so very hard to keep their chuckling at bay. Once Franky and the boys caught on, however, the combined might of the entire crew, excluding the two victims, burst into a deafening and hysterical laughter.
"GET THE SHIT OFF ME BEFORE I ROAST YOUR ASS TO A CRISP, YOU MOSSY BASTARD!"
"AND YOU GET YOUR SWIRLY FACE OFF MY CROTCH BEFORE I SLICE YOU IN HALF, PERVY-COOK!"
Within seconds, the two furious and embarrassed men began to fight each other, sending kicks and slashes all around them. They fought with such determination, vigor and bloodlust that the rest of the crew had to duck behind cover to escape the whirling carnage which had been unleashed upon their ship. Not even Nami, who usually proved quite effective in dealing with upstart and idiotic boys could get close enough to smite the two into submission.
Unfortunately, as Sanji and Zoro were busy beating each other to a pulp, their furious battle took them towards the lonesome barrel by the edge of the deck. Not knowing what was inside, the two bumped into wooden object without much thought and sent it flying through the air, over the ship and down into the sea. The rest of the crew watched in horror as their trapped captain disappeared from their sight.
"Aaaaah!" Chopper screamed. "Luffy fell into the water!"
Within moments, the entire crew rushed over to the rails, trampling over the two clueless idiots and flung themselves halfway over the wooden fence to search for the missing barrel. Luckily, it hadn't gotten that far and was leisurely floated right beside the ship. With a sigh of relief, the crew calmed down, wiping off the sweat from their foreheads and chuckled awkwardly at the whole debacle. A few feet behind them, Sanji and Zoro lied twitching on the deck, covered with footprints all over their bodies.
As their fight came to an end, Nami cheerfully approached the two, giving them a false sense of security, and then proceeded to punch the crap out of them. By the time she had dispensed enough physical justice, the two men had already been reduced to a pile of confused, wriggling and bruised limbs. "Freaking idiots…" she muttered and stomped aggressively away from them.
"Oh no… How are we going to get him up from there?"
"Don't worry, Carrot, I'll get some rope and a hook." Usopp suggested. "Or maybe we should open the docking system and hoist him in from there?"
"Step aside, you two, I've got this…"
Cocking his right arm, Franky readied himself and aimed at the tiny barrel. Once sure that he would hit, he sent his fist flying and opened it mid-flight before it could reach the wooden container. As his hand was about to reach its target, a sudden wave pulled the trapped captain further away from the ship, causing the cyborg to miss his shot. Frustrated by his rotten luck, Franky quickly retracted his limb back into its socket and prepared for another try.
"Like hell I'm missing this time…" Franky growled. "Strong Right!"
Unlike before, where he exerted at least a modicum of restraint, this soaring punch blasted through the air with full force and headed straight at the barrel. As he was about to smash it to pieces, one of dolphins unexpectedly appeared from beneath the surface and nabbed it just in the nick of time. Franky's eyes nearly popped out of his head as he watched the playful animal toss the barrel to its friend, which then passed it over to the next.
At first, the dolphins seemed content with simply toying with their new plaything, but that would soon change as the crew began to panic. Fearing the loss of their captain, the Strawhats immediately gave chase with Franky shouting order left and right. Since he was the one responsible for the retrieval of the rubber man, he felt a strong sense of guilt for letting these creatures steal him away so effortlessly. Without giving any thoughts to his actions, Franky opened fire at the pesky thieves, sending both bullets and rockets flying their way.
"Hey, you bastards!" he roared. "Give us back our captain!"
"Careful or you might destroy the barrel, Franky!"
"We don't have time to be cautious, Usopp… If we lose him now we won't be able to find him!"
"I get that, but it won't help us if he plummets into the sea and gets swept away!"
"Geh… You've got a point…" Franky growled and ceased his attack. "Turn the ship and engage Solder dock system zero!"
A few moments later, the side-doors to the Sunny opened up and two huge paddle-wheels emerged from within. With full throttle, the ship burst forward with a tremendous speed and quickly closed the distance between them and the dolphins. Ready to leap into action, Zoro, Sanji and Franky stood impatiently on top of the figure head. Of course, not having forgiven the other for the unfortunate incident from before, Zoro and Sanji were mostly focusing on themselves.
"Once this is over, Marimo, I'm going to kick you so hard that the sole of my shoe gets imprinted on that inbred mug of yours…"
"You were the one who got in my way, pervy-swirl – maybe you should go back to your kitchen and cook up a pair of balls so you can own up to your mistake!"
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"
"YOU HEARD ME!"
"C'mon, guys, stop fighting!" Carrot yelled as she bounced between them. "You can find out who was right or wrong AFTER we've saved Luffy!"
Zoro and Sanji growled at each other as they seemed to contemplate what had been stated. "Fine…" they replied simultaneously and promised to cease their bickering, for now.
With a bellowing roar, one of the dolphins suddenly burst out of the sea and flew straight towards the ship, taking everyone by surprise. "Diable Jambe…" Before it could consume the ship, Sanji leapt into the sky and lit his right leg ablaze. As the maw of teeth approach, he quickly stepped to its side, effortlessly dodging a certain doom. Sanji glanced briefly at the angered dolphin and watched as it slowly realized the trouble it was in. Just a second later, Sanji's kick struck the side of the creature's thick skull. "Grill Shot!"
The thundering explosion of the impact and the sizzling flesh from the raging fire was all the crew could hear as the animal was seemingly kicked over and beyond the horizon. Hovering motionlessly in the air, Sanji calmly lit a cigarette before slowly falling back onto the ship. "I am sorry… I'll cook you next time, I promise." Once back on top of Sunny's head, the blonde extinguished the fire around his leg and blew a puff of smoke into the air. "What did you think of my kick, my lovely ladies?! It's okay if you all fall in love with me!"
"Uhm… Sanji…" Usopp nervously interrupted. "I don't think that helped…"
"What are you talking about?" Sanji scoffed. "That was perfectly f…" as he turned around, and before he could finish his sentence, a creature several times larger than the already mountainous dolphins appeared. Sanji took a step back and watched as the sky darkened by the sheer size of the pissed-off creature. "Fuck… That must be the mother…"