Sasha banged her head against the wheel. "New York traffic … joy." Their only hint to the two EXTRA items they apparently needed led them to driving up into the city people rarely traveled. "The city that never sleeps….who in the right minds would travel here?"
"I thought it was obvious by now that practically no one on this RV has ever been in their right minds." Hunter commentated from the back.
"Ooohh, pretty lights." Vee smiled, gazing out of the window at the billboard.
"This place is noisy, but it looks so expensive." Lucci smiled. "Can't wait to swindle it all."
"So little trees…I'm hating big cities more and more as we travel to them." Willow grumbled. "Couldn't the next two items be located in an ancient lost jungle, or a secret society in the woods, or even a swamp? Something with a little more green is all I'm asking for."
"Don't worry, we only have two more items to cross off, and Raven said both would be in New York." Luz brought up.
"No, she said they would probably be in New York." Boscha corrected. "Not even that, she said that we'd just get lucky and the universe would 'magically' give us both gargoyle skin and a cursed object."
"I mean, she's essentially the daughter of the devil in her universe, one that isn't naively sweet and optimistic, so she would probably have insight on that kind of thing." Lucci said.
"You don't get to talk positively about her Crystal." Boscha glared. "Not with the way she was looking at you."
"She was looking at you too."
"Yeah, but I was obviously just an add on. We agreed MUTUAL affection from all parties when we established the list."
"Can we not talk about that?" Hunter asked, rubbing his face. "I have an alien crushing on me and Willow."
"You say that like it's a bad thing." Luz said.
"Between Clawthorne, the gems, Spinel, Jumba, and the stuff that happens in Nowhere, I think I hit my limit on the belief in 'friendly' aliens." The boy grumbled.
"My mouth still tastes like sugar and sunshine." Willow shivered. "At least we're an entire universe away from her."
"COME ONE, MOVE IT!" Sasha's irritation hit a fan as she honked, still not going anywhere.
"DON'T HONK AT ME, I'M STUCK IN LINE JUST LIKE YOU!"
"I WILL SHOVE MY BOOT UP YOUR ASS AND MAKE YOU TASTE IT THROUGH YOU MOUTH!" She yelled back. "Damn it, why the heck are the streets so busy anyway…and don't just say city traffic, it's so busy even the pedestrians can't move between the spaces."
"Hey, isn't that Captain Avery?" Gus asked, pointing out the window.
"Really!?" Hunter jumped to the nearest window. "Awesome…unless when Spice was breaking the universe he made him fall through, which would be significantly less awesome."
"That would explain Batman walking the street right next to Harry Potter." Luz pointed out.
"Is that Beetlejuice?" Lucci asked in confusion, as Spinel jumped out of his head.
"Oooh, there's Daffy Duck!" She shouted.
Sasha looked out the window … groaning. "No wonder there's so much traffic, it's Comi-con."
"Comi-what?" Lucci asked.
"Comi-con, where people dress up as various figures from pop culture and have fun." Luz explained with a smile.
"And we're thinking about going to a place like that after what happened with the teen titans?" Gus asked.
"That was more of a parody of the real thing if anything." Luz commented. "Comi-con is all about nerds of all fandoms coming together to appreciate their respective mediums in one giant place without judgment or shame."
"We have a lot more important stuff to do than hang out with some losers." Boscha rolled her eyes.
"Like getting through traffic!" Sasha honked the horn. "WOULD YOU MOVE IT!"
A black man with a chef hat looked out the window of the van in front of them. "WOMAN, I AM DOIN MY BEST! BACK OFF OR I'LL BACK YOU OFF!"
"Wait, is that Chef?" Willow asked.
"Really!? Let me see!" Boscha ran up to the front and leaned out the driver seat window.
"Boscha, what are you doing? Calm down!" Sasha ordered as the girl scrambled on top of her.
"If that's Chef, than….no way…" Boscha's eyes widened with glee at the bus next to the, label 'TD Q&A panel at NY Comi-con' slowly passed by them. "It is them….IT'S THE CAST OF TOTAL DRAMA!!!!!" Boscha and Willow screamed at such a high decibel that the windows of the van shattered.
"Tinnitus, my old friend." Lucci grumbled.
"Mawp … mawp …" Luz said while rubbing her ears.
"Ah, not that I'm necessarily worried about the notion of Boscha and Willow being happy at the same time…" Amity held fingers in her. "But what exactly are they screaming about!?"
"Total drama, the most insane, dangerous, ludicrous, most action pack and dramatic reality survivor show of all time!" Willow screamed out once they stopped shouting. "Me and Boscha binged watched every season and loved them, even the less popular sucky ones with contestants more one dimensional than Boscha's lackey's!"
"I'm so happy that I'm going to ignore that insult!" Wow, Boscha really was improving on her anger.
"Guys, I think we have rabid fangirls on our tail!" A voice shouted out from the van. "Duncan, grab the tasers!"
"Can't Owen! Lidsney used up the batteries for her hairdryer!"
"I can't help it! Last time we were here I came completely unprepared! I'm not stepping a foot outside until I know I look my best!"
"Their stereotypical personality traits really aren't just for show…that is how they all are in real life!" Boscha excitement shook the bus rapidly. "I love you Heather!"
"... That's a new one." A goth girl on the other bus said with surprise, looking out the window.
"Gwen, you go girl!" Willow screamed in joy as multiple flowers bloomed over the bus.
"...Okay, did we accidentally bring the Revenge Of The Island cast here, because I'm pretty sure only Dawn can do that." The middle aged man with the canadian accent questioned with confusion.
"It was just supposed to be the originals from what I recall …" The black man began to answer. "Sweet, an opening!" And drove right in front of them.
"HEY! YOU CUT ME OFF YOU BASTARD!" Sasha honked at them.
"SNOOZE YOU LOSE PRINCESS!" He cackled.
"I am going to destroy that ride." Sasha growled, pulling out her blades.
"Wait, wait, wait! Before you do, look!" Willow pointed to the back of their Bus.
"Willow, I'll try not to murder your favorite contestants, but I make no promises."
"Not that, look at what it says on the bus!" Boscha pointed to what it said. "Meet the OG cast, and see up close real life props from the show!" A picture of a tiki head was on it as well.
"So you want a pic of that tiki head or something?" Lucci asked. "I can steal it if you want."
"Crystal, that's exactly my point! Raven said we needed a cursed object, right?" Boscha pointed out. "In season one of Total drama, the nerdy loser girl Beth stole a tiki head from a cursed island which gave her team bad luck!"
"So what, it has just as much bad luck as Murphy Law?" Vee asked.
"Oh, let's combine them both and have twice the fun!" Spinel cheered.
"As scary as that sounds, she has a point." Willow spoke up next. "Raven said we needed a cursed object to balance out Murphy's law, and the tiki head fits that description."
"So we walk up to the van, rip out the object, then start running." Lucci nodded. "Alright, sounds like a plan."
"No, we play it subtle." Boscha put her foot down. "We go to the nerd convention, me and Willow walk up to the cast, talk to them, get their autographs while the rest of you steal that tiki."
"... You wanna do something subtle?" Amity asked skeptically.
"It's our favorite show, we can't risk any of them getting hurt." Willow nodded.
"...You're AGREEING with Boscha?" Hunter asked in bafflement.
"Angel, I know you really like this show, but the more complicated we make this plan, the harder it's going to be and-" Lucci was stopped mid sentence by his girlfriend.
"Lucci, my sweet lovable crystal." Boscha grabbed the boy by the shoulder. "I will put Raven on the Cherry pass list if you let me put Heather."
"..wow, that is serious." He nodded. "Okay, subtle it is."
"Cool, now you all head out while I-" Sasha watched as another car snagged her spot. "... Start walking, I need to cremate some new yorkers." She really hated this city.
========================================================================
Hunter walked in with awe as they gazed upon the many sights in front of them. Heroes, witches, monsters, all the likes. "This place is amazing …"
"I'm kinda getting a flashback to the creek, except the people that look like adults are actually adults." Willow noted.
"I've landed in nerd heaven…so many pop culture icons intermingling together out of love instead of hate." Luz whipped tears from her eyes. "It's almost too beautiful for words."
"It's kinda like the Covention, only with less government propaganda and more selling people what they love." Lucci said, gazing upon the walls. "I've already snagged away three superman capes and an infinity gauntlet."
"It's hard to tell who's who under all the costumes. Do we need disguises?" Amity asked.
"Nice elf costumes." A person said as they walked past them. "The pointy ears look totally believable."
"That answers that." Boscha smirked, uncovering her third eye. "Now when I interview Heather, I can be one hundred percent myself. Two alphas meeting face to face."
"Well if the goal is to be subtle, then doing it at a con is the best place to do it." Vee nodded. "Any magic people see here they'll just excuse as special effects, so you guys won't have to worry about exposing yourselves too much."
"So If I bulldoze through the crowds and march right up to those tv teens, then everyone will just say it's steroids?" Lucci piped up.
"Either that, or robotics." Luz shrugged. "Speaking of, if we're trying to be subtle, is everyone going together the best plan?"
"You make an excellent point." Amity smiled, holding her hand. "Would you like to come with me to the Good witch Azura book signing?"
"You mean the author is here!?" Luz squeaked out. "I mean..if we don't all need to go, we might as well.."
"Go and spend time with your girlfriend Luz." Gus insisted. "I'm pretty sure this plan is only going to always like three people at most. Me and Hunter could go check out the Cosmic Frontier section."
The boy smiled at that. "Really? That sounds awesome!"
"So Luz and Amity are being book nerds, Gus and Hunter are being space nerds.Vee; anything here that you want to nerd out about or are you helping me take the tiki?" Lucci asked, turning to Vee.
"Hm…I guess I could get Connie some Familiar Unfamiliar Merch." Vee scratched her chin. "And-Oooh! They have limited edition crying breakfast plushies! Must have!" The girl ran off, looking more hungry than anytime she's ever craved magic.
"I will never get that fandom." Hunter muttered. "Who wants to watch a show where everyone cries all the time?"
"There's something for everyone I guess." Amity shrugged, grabbing Luz by the hand. "Well me and my girlfriend are going to enjoy our mini date in nerdom, see you all in about two to five hours."
"Good luck on your bad luck object quest!" Luz waved as they ran off.
"And we will be seeing what Cosmic Frontier has to offer." Hunter grinned, waving as he left with Gus. "This is gonna be amazing."
"Yeah it is! Fellow Cosmies joining together on a voyage of adventure!" Gus cheered, turning to him. "So not to put a damper on anything…but are you really in a three way relationship now?"
"Gus, please don't bring up Starfire, I'm doing my best to forget that whole experience to begin with." He grimaced.
"I get that; it's just…. if you and Willow are in a relationship with her at the same time… by proxy you two are dating each other now."
"Gus, I have no experience with friends, let alone romance." Hunter said seriously. "I'm not making a move until she does, because I know I'll misread something unless they're blunt."
"…Why is everyone always so dense when it comes to this subject?" Gus shook his head in disappointment.
"I don't know, love is weird, feelings are weird." Hunter sighed. "One day you don't have it, then the next you suddenly think someone you respect looks cuter than they did the day you met them." He continued. "Then your uncle turns out to be a psychotic maniac who wants to kill all witches while dying to a mad god, only to turn up alive and taunt you any time he can by making everything worse and worse as you question the reason for your own existence as space time constantly collapses around your friend group."
"…..We're not going to recover our sanity at all when this is all over, are we?"
"Did we have sanity to begin with?" He asked back.
"Fair enough. Let's just repress all those issues for one day for sci fi escapism!"
Heck yeah, nothing was gonna ruin this. They walked forward, seeing the multiple sights of people in costumes walking around … admittedly it was pretty inspiring to see so many people mixing up so many Chief O'Bailey costumes. "I feel like I've found my people..and not in the way like the emperor's coven made me feel, but..just as a regular person among a crowd… being apart of something that seems so small, but so big at the same time."
"I know what you mean. I joined up with the illusionist track because I got to with so many people like me. Those that wanted to bring flair even if we weren't the strongest." Gus nodded with a smile. "Sure, they were using me to get good grades, but it was still a nice environment before I met Willow."
"Yeah…I know how that feels." Just being a part of this group, even with all its insanity, even when he had to deal with Lucci's craziness… Hunter really felt like he belonged somewhere real for once.
They made their way to a line, with Gus tapping the guy in front of them. "Excuse me, can you tell me what this line is for?"
"Of course, it's for the limited edition …" The man in a space suit, a tail sticking out of the back red skin, and blue hair turned around, blinking in surprise. "Hunter, Agustus?"
"Huh?" Hunter leaned in closer. Red skin… white freckles… spaded tail…. "Moxxie? Wait, if you're here, than does that mean Mill-"
"Oooh, my sweet baby boy! Give your mama some sugah!" The lady imp jumped out of nowhere, wearing a jumpsuit with purple hair, and squeezed him with strength that could rival Willow, Starfire, and Lucci's combined. "Have you been eating enough? You look too thin sweetie."
"I'm fine Millie, I've been eating." He groaned, trying to escape the admittedly comforting grasp of the woman. "Wha-why are you guys wearing disguises at a con? You could've blended in with your normal forms."
"A necessary precaution I'm afraid. We've had one too many encounters with the Earth government and trouble from the superiors of hell to risk exposure." Moxie winced. "Besides, we're big fans of Cosmic Frontier."
"Really? I thought you were more of an opera geek and Millie was just into murder in general." Gus asked.
"They had a space opera version and a violent show remake we both enjoyed." Millie explained. "I know everyone says nothing can beat the original, but sometimes life proves you wrong." She squeezed him ever harder. "But enough about us, what have you little tots been up to?! It's been weeks since we last saw ya. Murder any more colonizing bastards lately?"
"No, hopefully we're good on that front." Hopefully… Please let that be the end of Belos. "Right now we're road tripping around, collecting parts to a portal door."
"Aww, wanna visit your mama and papa more often?" She asked with a teasing tone.
"No, we need to get back to the Boiling Isles." Gus said. "We thought we had all the items, but they were unstable when near each other, and we sort of broke the multiverse for a second and got sucked into a parody of a comic book, so we're looking for stuff to make it less…explodey."
"Good luck finding what you need, especially with Blitz running around." Moxie moaned.
"Wait, Blitz is here too?" Hunter asked in worry. The only thing on that demon's mind was murder, sex, and horses, and he doubted he came for the latter.
"Yeah, so is Loona. I'm pretty sure she went off looking for some signature or something." Moxie went on. "I never got the details."
"Meanwhile, the big boss man decided to take today's job all by himself so he could give us some time to ourselves!" Millie squeed. "And am happy as hell that he did, now it can be a family bonding day!"
"Today's job… you mean to kill someone?" Gus asked worriedly.
"Relax little tot, it's just some bitchy celebrity teen from some drama show or something. Probably someone you've never even heard of." Millie waved off nonchalantly.
"Well and their host. Some guy by the name of 'Chris'." Moxie went on. "He sounded pretty crazy. Torturing teenagers live on TV for the masses. I mean, that's normal for hell, but up here you'd think there should be less of that."
Hunter and Gus met eyes, nodding. "Well it's been great, but we should be going now and-"
"Come on now dearie, we've gotta spend family time together." Millie said. "Also, Moxie really wants that limited edition Chief O'Bailey eye-patch with realistic targeting."
Hunter thought about it for a second. "I mean….maybe we can stay for a little bit longer…."
"Hunter!" Gus shouted.
"Come on, when am I going to get something like this again?" Oh dear titan, his morality was more shot than he realized…he was becoming like the Clawthornes.
========================================================================
Boscha was squeeing internally in excitement as she shoved nerds out of the way. "Move it losers!"
"Hey we were in line first!" Some geek shouted as she threw them into one of the t-shirt stands.
"And I'm more impatient and stronger than you, so tough shit!" It always paid off to have more muscles than anyone else.
"Sorry, but at the same time not sorry, we have very important business." Willow apologized as she and her crystal followed her.
"It is SO uncanny for you guys to be on the same page that it's not even funny." Lucci commented. "I feel like the planet should explode before something like this happens."
"Didn't we almost blow it up multiple times already?" Willow asked.
"Keyword being almost." He countered.
"Don't worry Crystal. As soon as this trip is over, I'll go back to judging her terrible taste in fashion." Boscha assured her boyfriend.
"And I'll go back to silently praying every night that she gets hit by a truck." Willow nodded.
"...You guys take the term frenemies to a whole new level."
"I could say the same thing about you and Hunter." Boscha shot back.
"... Touche." He nodded.
They made their way up to Chef, who stood guard. "Paid passes." He held out his hand.
Seeing as how their whole thing was about breaking in, both her and Willow turned to the boy. "Lucci, I believe this is your cue." Willow told him.
"On it." Lucci cracked his neck, walking up to the buff chef … and handing him passes. "Will these work?"
"Hey, those are ours!" Some dweeb shouted
"No they're not."
"One has my blue lipstick mark on it!"
"You mean this lipstick I was giving my girlfriend?" Lucci held up said object.
"HOW DID YOU TAKE THAT TOO!?"
"Look, you can blame me for your non-existent problems, or you can go complaining about real shit instead of making us hold up the line." Her boyfriend countered back without even blinking.
"GAAA!" She jumped at them, only for Chef to grab the dweeb's head, twirling them around and tossing them away.
"Alright, move on in, make it quick."
"Thank you." Boscha saluted as they made it back in. "AHA! Yes! We did it! Could've sworn you would've just beaten him up though."
"You're the one who said they wanted to be more subtle." Lucci answered back. "Plus it's a convention, there's a million people to rob from here."
They made their way, seeing twenty one of the members of the original cast all greeting fans. It was so incredible. "Hello there." They turned to see the ever sparkling and shining face of Justin, as the nonexistent sun shined off his flawless skin. "Care for an…autograph?"
"It's true…. the shining sun effect isn't just for TV… '' Willow drooled at the sight.
"Such hard abs…" Boscha stared in a daze.
"....Really? I can't even talk to another girl without you going mad but I'm supposed to be okay with you drooling?" Lucci glared. "I mean, yeah, guy's hot as heck, but still, double standard."
"Right, right." She shook her head. She couldn't focus on eye candy, just the lone girl who spoke to her soul. "We gotta focus, find that tiki.
"Hey there." They turned to a tall black guy with a cap on his head, DJ. "You guys lookin for someone in particular?"
"Oh, you're DJ! The strong but gentle giant!" Willow ran up to him, making the man blush. "The fact you keep your kindness and sanity intact in spite of everything makes you an inspiration to me."
"I um, glad to be that inspiration." He chuckled. "It's like mama always says. If you make the world happy, you'll be happy."
"Funny, my mama always says you'll only be truly happy once all your enemies burn in agonizing fire." Lucci smirked. "Mom's, they always know what to say to inspire you."
"... You'd probably get along with Eva." The man turned to the girl, who was lifting up two fans sitting on top of a dumbbell.
"... Is it still wrong to stare?" Crystal asked, trying to hide his own blush.
"When it's this show, stare away." Boscha nodded at the muscles the girl was showing off.
"Alrighty then, I'm gonna challenge Muscle Woman over there to an arm wrestling contest to get a better look and snatch that tiki, you two go enjoy yourselves."
"Will do." They walked around, taking note of all the shows greatest. From Harold doing bad stunts, to Tyler getting kicked in the head, to Lindsay offering beauty tips, to Leshana showing off tacky dance moves that were probably illegal in most states. "Seeing it so up close….it's marvelous." Boscha awed. "All their personalities are on point, none of it is really staged."
"I know….you think we'll get the chance to deck Alejandro in the face? Or Ezekiel?" Willow asked hopefully.
"I … don't see either of them." Boscha looked around.
"Why hello there kidos." The psychotic host, Chris, showed up in front of them. "You two seem like lost souls in need of a handsome face."
"Not untrue. Know where we can find one?" Willow snorted.
"Ouch, oof, misery." The man dramatically swayed in the air.
Boscha chuckled and rolled her eyes. "Say, do you know where Al Handro or Ezekiel are? We'd like to deck them."
The man looked back. "Ezekiel passed away last year, radiation poisoning or something." Yeowch. "And Alejandro is over there smooching his girlfriend."
They turned and saw the man himself … kissing HEATHER!? "WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA….!?"
"I know, gross." Chris gagged. "Turns out whenever there's no money involved their evil and manipulative personalities sync up crazy with each other."
"So whenever they play one of your games …" Willow put pieces together.
"Their selfishness and the allure of one million dollars always brings them back down to their true personalities." Chris sighed sadly. "Such a shame. It's why I had to come up with a new cast after the All Star season."
"But wouldn't it have been a little better to bring back the revenge cast for another season, at least the ones that didn't get too much screen time?" Boscha asked.
"I tried. Those guys just had really good lawyers." The man shivered. "Luckily, I have another recast in the making!"
"Another one?" Willow questioned. "But Phatatiew Island was horrible."
"Oh trust me, after this one is the greatest show of all. Where I bring in every contest I've ever had for a game so large, we can afford THREE eliminations in every episode!" He began maniacally laughing.
"... So his craziness wasn't staged." Boscha nodded.
"We tried getting him a psychiatrist." They turned to see the goth girl Gwen speaking up to them. "He jumped out the window and into a lake of crocodiles."
"I didn't see much of a difference." He chuckled. "It's been a while, still a goth girl I see."
"Chris, it's been sixteen years since we did TDI …" She scoffed with a smirk. "It's goth woman to you."
"Heck yeah it is." Willow went up to greet her. "Big fan, not so much of the relationship drama but of how you've been able to stick through it in spite of the crap it gave you."
"Oh you have no idea." The girl sighed in relief. "It's like everyday for five years my life was defined by 'you should've stayed with trent' or 'Gwuncan is my OTP'. I'm my own person, I have a life outside of romance."
"Oh yeah, romance has been driving me insane as of late." Willow sighed. "It's hard to imagine stability at this point."
"I think the closest we have to stable over here is Geoff and Bridget." Gwen pointed to the kissing surfer couple. "Noah and that police girl." She pointed to a doe eyed couple. "And whatever Alejandro and Heather have going on." She pointed to the couple … with a red dot on their head?
"Red dot, head…." In all of Boscha's time in watching reality tv, that only meant one thing…target. "LOOK OUT!" Wasting no time, she ran towards them, shoving the couple down
Bang
Before a bullet flew past their heads, hitting some nerd talking it up with Izzy. "The government is after me again!" The crazy woman screamed.
"Are you okay?" She asked her idol.
"What, I…WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING!?" That was probably the most sane response she could have gotten.
"I think someone's trying to target you bro!" Geoff shouted as another red dot appeared on Heather's head. "And they're trying again!"
"Don't worry, I got this!" Lucci shouted, jumping on top of Eva's head and throwing one of his razor disks at the ceiling, where some stumbling could be heard.
"Dang it assholes, you got in the way of my shot!" A voice called out as something red and in a suit fell to the ground. "If it wasn't extra work I would kill you right now-oh it's you."
"Wait … Blitz?" Lucci turned to the disguised demon wielding a sniper rifle.
"Well fuck me sideways it's a small world." The imp grinned. "What brings you to New York? Hoping to snatch a famous everything pizza?"
"Actually that sounds nice. Might steal some slices after we're done stealing the tiki." He said. "Right now we're just hunting for a portal. What about you?"
"... What the heck is happening right now?" Tyler asked.
"I think a fan is having a chat with a killer." Owen added. "I thought only fans of Izzy did that."
"Same old same old. Killing humans for a profit." The Imp carried on like he didn't hear anyone else. "Well, it was nice chatting with you, but I better go hunt down that Heather bitch before she goes into hiding."
"What!?" Her, Willow,and Heather screamed.
"Oh, said that last part out loud." Blitz shook his head. ".. Sneak attack!" He fired multiple shots in rapid succession.
"AHHH!" Heather screamed in fear as Lucci put up a shield.
"I got it covered for now! Boscha, if you like who he's trying to kill, I suggest you move it!"
"Come on Heather, we need to move!" She pulled the woman up.
"Do not worry my comrade." Alejando stood next to her crystal. "He attacks the woman I love, I shall join you in-"
Bang
Lucci blocked a bullet aimed at the man's head. "Yeah, unless you're faster than a speeding bullet or more powerful than a locomotive, I suggest everyone else not in the way should run!"
"Flee we shall!" Harold shouted, picking up Leshana and bolting.
"I can run on my own you fool!"
"WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!?" Heather screamed.
"Heh, don't mean to alarm you…but I'm pretty sure someone hired a hit on your head." Willow explained hesitantly.
"Who would put a hit on me!?" … All the cast stopped their screaming and panic, simply giving the woman a blank look. "...Who'd be brainless enough to actually try!?"
========================================================================
Heather ducked under another bullet. "Come on kiddo, you're fun and you got talent, but you're ruining my job right now!" The crazy man with a gun shouted out, continuing to fire at the stocky teen with a pink shield that came out of nowhere. Even for someone that has seen aliens and radioactive mutants, this was something rather unexpected for her.
"Sorry, wouldn't normally get in the way, but my Angel loves this show, and you killing the people on it would sour her mood." The kid responded, throwing giant pink bubbles with spikes covering them at the red psycho's head.
"Well you getting in my way ruins my plans to use the happy hormones M and M are feeling right now from getting the day off to slip in and finally get the missionary love three way I've been wanting for the past year, so I guess we're both coming out of this unsatisfied!"
"Do I even want to know the context?" She asked the two fangirls currently protecting her as she ran behind some book vendor.
"He's a demon from hell who takes out humans, that's the jist." The girl with pink skin and three eyes explained quickly as she covered her. "Oh, by the way, names Boscha, big fan, totally think you were screwed in world tour and All Stars."
"Thank you, some people just don't see how close it was." Heather complained as an explosion rang out next to them.
"Okay, we both know your guns don't work on me!" The pink kid shouted out, as they looked out to see him fighting the psycho.
"Well what about my big dick!?"
"... Look, I don't mean to be that guy, but I'm not all that interested in-" The crazy man pulled out a rocket launcher, with the words 'my big dick' written on the side. "...Ahh. Everything's an innuendo with you, isn't it?"
"That's the idea kiddo!" The red guy fired it at the pink kid, launching him into the sky with a missile that said 'pussy destroyer' on the side of it, exploding in the air. "Nice boy. In a few years, he may even be as good as me….but not today!"
"So your friend isn't dead?" She asked.
"No … but we might be soon!" The fan with glasses made a wall of vines to block off the rocket launcher. "Come on Blitz! You never kill anyone unless your paid! Why are you going after Heather!?"
"I got paid by some guy named 'Ezekiel' to take her out and a guy named Chris. Figure this gal would be harder to track when all is said and done."
"What, Ezekiel, he died a year ago!" Heather exclaimed.
"Yeah, and I'm a demon from hell. Put two and two together sweet tits." He said, firing off a machine gun.
"But why would he want to kill me!? I barely said two words to the little hillbilly dweeb!" Heather ducked under another round of bullets as the Boscha girl threw a fireball at the turrets.
"Didn't ask for specifics, he just said something about you 'screwing him out a million bucks' or something." The demon guy shrugged.
"What!?" Boscha yelled. "If anything, Ezekiel screwed HER out of a million bucks! He jumped into a volcano and burned the money!"
"Again, thank you." It was so nice when someone actually gave sympathy to her.
"Look, honey, I don't make the rules here, I just follow them." He said with while rolling his eyes
"Don't you run your own business?" The glasses girl said as the demon guy took out a sword and sliced through the vines like they were paper.
"Yes, but when I don't deliver on client demands, people get pissy and start ordering hits on us." The freaky red opossum guy groaned. "Which I'd be fine with if I could get paid for those kills, but I don't." He kicked the buff girl out of the way. "You just gotta do what you have to do to survive. It's hell, you kiddos' know what that's like already."
He once more aimed his gun, firing as Heather tried to dodge the bullets, getting one lodged in her leg. "FUCK!" She clutched it.
"Asta lavista bitch!" He aimed the gun at her skull.
"NOT ON YOUR LIFE!" The three eyed girl gripped the gun and melted it into a metal puddle before it fired.
"Ow! Satan's balls, that smarts!" He yelped out. "I thought you and your boy toy hated humans! Isn't that why you two enjoyed hell so much?!
"And I enjoy her violent and top dog tendencies, now back off!" She shot flames at the man … which he just stood through.
"Yeah … I kind of live in a place constantly on fire. That literally does nothing at any temperature." He took out another gun…where the hell did he keep those things. "So unless you have another piece of meat blocking my path…"
Thump
A giant pink hexagon slammed in front of them. "Does hell also have giant pink shapes slamming into people?" The boy from earlier asked, stepping on the red man.
"No… but… I can… probably… get… it recommended…" The red guy groaned. "Look kiddos… even … if… you take me out… my team is just going… to… get to her… eventually…"
"Ugggg." Boscha groaned. "Is there really no talking you out of this?"
"Depends, can you pay me triple what the client did?" The red guy tried slipping out underneath his trap. "Because I already spent it on these sparkly glasses."
"Depends, are you flexible with earth money?" The girl with glasses asked, coming up from being kicked down.
"Exchange is a little wonky on the hell side. Ya gonna have to hit the high quadruple digits to get me to stop."
"Does ten thousand sound good to you?"
"... Yeah we can work with that." The red guy smirked. "Pleasure doing business with you kiddos!"
"....I do not know how to process anything that just happened." Heather admitted out loud.
"That's basically been my life for the past nine months." The Boscha girl sighed. "Sorry about that."
"No, no, no, you saved my life, there's like… only one person I know that would do that for me, and even then I'm skeptical." Alhandro was sweet, but they both knew they'd pick a million dollars over each other any day. "I'll be happy to return the favor…as long as it does not involve money."
"Anything that doesn't involve money?" the girl asked with a bit of a sparkle in her eyes.
"... I know you guys are experimenting with the whole keep it open thing, but you do know Heather is almost in her mid thirties, right?" The girl with glasses asked the pink guy.
"What does age have to do with anything?"
"...." Heather would choose to just be quiet about this. Today was already weird enough.
========================================================================
Moxxie walked back with a smile. "I can't believe it. O'Bailey's Scouter. It even works with fifty miles worth of information!" He squealed. The imp was still skeptical about having a son …
"And with badge identification to boot, with voice commands about Captain Avery!" But having someone to share his passion with was always a plus. "Captain, it's the Secros, they've returned from sector twelve!" Someone who genuinely enjoyed his presence and actually respected his opinion instead of berating him with every other sentence.
"Bring out the quantor lasers, it's time we tackle this mission right in the snooze core." Moxie stated with a dramatic deep voice, pounding his fists together.
"It's nice to see him just smile after the trip we had." Augustus smiled, walking next to Millie.
"My two boy's, having fun without the world beating down on them…..IT'S JUST SO BEAUTIFUL!" Millie cried tears of joy as she squeezed them both in a tight embrace.
"I'm happy.. You're… happy… too… Millie…" Hunter gasped out. "Family… hurts… fine…"
"That is… the best way… to describe it.." Moxie wheezed out.
"Yo, M and M, over here!" They turned to see their annoying boss shout out. "Come help me count this money! They wanna pay us to not kill the girl!"
"Wait really?" They turned around, seeing Blitz walking back with a bag, along with three of Hunter's other companions. "You managed to bribe him out of a kill. That's rare."
"Trust us, he didn't take it easily… Had to deal with a missile to the face." Lucifer groaned as he rubbed the soot off of himself. "It's times like this I wish you were around, meat shield." He sent a smirk to Hunter.
"For once, I'm glad I wasn't in the middle of the battle." Hunter smirked, showing off his prize. "Behold, the scouter of Chief O'Bailey!"
"I can detect an enemy!" The voice line spoke.
"Original dialogue from the first movie! So rare!" Moxie squeed.
"Wait, I thought Moxxie was an opera geek?" Willow asked.
"Nerds can nerd out over multiple things. Like how I was able to snatch away all my new horse shit!" Blitz took out his own collection of horse figurines. "There's hell pony, elf pony, vampire pony, hippie pony, one pony for every genre for every occasion."
"... Brony from Hell … somehow that's the only thing that makes sense." A woman that Boscha was glomping onto said. "So… how long am I going to have to deal with this?"
"Don't know, this is the first time I've ever seen her with a celebrity crush." Lucifer scratched his head. "Probably a few days, maybe a month."
"Tell me you guys at least were able to grab the tiki." Augustus spoke up.
"You mean…this little guy?" Lucifer spun a little wooden object on his finger. "That was actually the easy part. That Eva chick was guarding it. We arm wrestled, and now have both it and her phone number."
"Great, because phone numbers were exactly what we needed." Hunter said sarcastically. "Where's everyone else?"
"I got it!" They watched as Vee walked back, smiling. "Behold, the Pancake Crying Breakfast Friend!"
"And I guess Luz and Amity are still at the signing …" He muttered. "So, is that enough?"
"Yes it is." Blitz smiled, closing the case. "The girl is safe."
"But didn't we have another…" Millie began to ask.
"Hey Heather, you got to get packing!" The voice of their secondary target making itself known. "Just because you had an assassination attempt on your life doesn't mean you get to take an easy day."
"Chris, can't you for once-?" The woman Boscha was holding onto began to argue.
BANG
..As Blitz put a bullet through the canadian man's skull. "There, now everything's been wrapped up in a nice and tidy bow."
"What the…I THOUGHT we had a DEAL!?" Willow shouted out loud.
"That was for sparing the mean bitch. You said nothing about our second target."
"WHY DIDN'T YOU BLOCK THAT ONE!?" Boscha shouted to her boyfriend.
"Because I didn't expect him to kill someone after he said he wouldn't!" Lucifer shouted back. "I can react fast, but I can't do everything at once!"
"Well our work is done." Blitz put away the gun. "It was nice workin with you guys again. See ya next time."
"Can we not even arrest them?" Vee asked.
"Hell is already the biggest prison in the multiverse, isn't it?" Agustus asked. "If anything, their existence itself is the punishment."
"Great nihilism kid, it'll do you when you finally kick it." Blitz complimented as he whistled out loud. "Now where's my Loonie?"
"IT'S MINE!" Everyone turned their head to see Amity and the hellhound secretary fighting over a book with a signature over it.
"Last signing of the day…not pretty." Luz came up to the group. "So, what did we miss?"
"Blitz killed a tv host, we got the Tiki, and people are fawning over everything crazy." Vee said, trying to look away from the body. "So…only slightly crazier than what we usually do." Such a strange lifestyle for the mortal world.
========================================================================
Chris ducked under the blade. "It's not my fault people keep voting you out!" He shouted to Ezekiel.
"Yes it is! Your show ruined my life, you jerk!" Apparently Hell was a real place, and Chris's lifetime passion of wanting to do nothing but torture teenagers was a first class ticket to the fiery inferno. "
"I wasn't the one who decided to hang onto a plane and eat rats! All on you buddy!" He ducked out of the way as his now had to drag along a heavy as fuck tail behind him to compensate for his beaver like body now.
"But it was YOUR toxic waste that made my insanity permanent!! That permanently altered me into a freak of nature and slowly poisoned me! I could've lived if you had just sent me to a hospital, but no! You used me as a running joke over and over for your stupid games!"
"… I mean, the audiences only did start liking you after you became an insane maniac-" He ducked under another knife thrown at him. Right, not the time. "Come on, I'm sure we can work out some kind of deal!"
"Okay then. I stab and rip your head off over and over again until new years, where I will leave you on the streets for the exterminators to kill off forever!" The freak threw a knife into his shoulder. "You have no money, no power, no NOTHING here to protect your scrawny little ass!
"I have my favorite skill! Running from my problems!" Chris shouted as he continued to flee. Dang it, why couldn't he get a cool animal, like a rhino? Come on Deus ex Machina, where were you when needed?! Sure he was in hell, but that didn't mean he had to be totally left to dry….RIGHT!? "Someone, anyone, please help! I will literally do anything!"
"Anything you say!?" Before he knew it, a white arm stretched out a building, grabbing him tightly.
"... Immediate regreeeeeee!!" He screamed as he was dragged inside of a rickety looking hotel. "Please for the love of mercy don't rape me!"
"Oh no, no, no no no no no." The figure, who he noticed looked like a young girl with blonde hair, pale skin, and rosy cheeks smiling on him. "This is actually the one place in all of hell where sexual deviance is heavily discouraged and frowned upon…no matter what some people try to do." They turned to a tall spider looking drag show and a short cockroach woman.
"Like I haven't heard what you and Ms Vaggie have done in your room." The woman rolled her singular eye. "I have to clean your room almost as much as Angel Dusts."
"I will gut you two!" A moth woman shouted as she chased after the small woman with a spear.
"Anyways, Welcome, to the Happy Hotel!"
"..Didn't the sign at the top say Hazbin?"
"Trust me, the sign is the more accurate description." What looked like a strawberry pimp coated dear said as he walked past. "So, are you some gutless coward hoping for a little protection against the cruelty of hell's evil's, or a genuine sap that naively believe in the redemption of one's soul?"
"Yeah totally, I'm absolutely looking to redeem myself." Chris smiled and nodded.
"I know you're lying. But that's okay. Everyone's like that in the beginning." The woman smiled. "Soon you'll genuinely see the good in being a good person." … This really was hell.