Hey there, Folks.
Welcome back!
Another week has come and gone, yeah?
Guess what?
I am moving in less than two days now!
Moving in with my super significant other, lol.
I love her deeply, you know?
Moving gives me anxiety...
I grew up in foster care for the most part, as most of you may know, and I still have a bit of trauma attached to moving that stems from those chapters of my life.
My Lady is quite supportive. That is helpful, to say the least!
New environments can be hard for me to adjust to, you know?
But I've got this!
I do!
I already terminated my lease, so I have no choice but to move now or be homeless!
LMAO!
Oh, to be human!
I trust that she has my best interests in mind, and she feels the same, and I definitely do.
I love her, and her happiness is very important to me.
We will go quite far, I believe.
Till the end, maybe?
How could I ever know?
Lol.
I am happy.
She is happy.
Not much else matters, Folks.
Life is short.
Love who loves you, but make sure they love you for the right reasons.
On another note, while visiting her place (our future place), we walked around her neighborhood for a while, which just so happens to be my old childhood haunt.
We walked for a bit until we came to an old, shabby, rundown house on an ill-used, essentially abandoned lot.
It was the house I had grown up in.
My childhood home.
The old white paint was chipped and weathered.
The chain-link fence was in disrepair.
The grass and bushes were overgrown.
The two-story home was but a shadow of what it used to be.
It hurt my heart to be there and to see it in that condition, you know?
I lingered for a bit, took some pictures, and made to walk away,
When something urged me to turn back for a handful of pictures...
In that moment, the local church bells rang out victoriously.
One last grand gesture from the Universe.
From my stepdad.
I felt his soul leave that place for good.
I felt myself leave that place for good.
One day, Folks...
One day I will go back.
I have the original blueprints to that house, and I want to give them to the new owner myself.
THAT will be my last time going to that house.
I will leave you all at that, and I hope this finds you all in good health.
I will see you all back here soon enough, yeah?
Enjoy!
(Hops into my Splip splurps and splotches my Sploosh slposh into the splippity splob.... One sec... And off we go!)
-----
November 5th, 2013.
Journal #110.
-----
We sit and play these games,
And it seems like the world just fades away.
That's crazy.
Or mayhap
I am.
-----
(Soft pop*)
Hmm.
Quick and dirty.
I like it.
- We would game together. We played most of the Halo and G.O.W. series.
Games like Rainbow Six were cool when we would hang out and play as a couple of friends.
Once we made it "official", that changed.
She didn't care to spend time with me.
She didn't want to hang out if it wasn't something that she wanted to do, and even then, I had to be the one funding it.
I was happy vicariously, you know?
I was never happy because she made me happy, or because she made some effort to brighten my day or whatnot.
No.
My happiness stemmed from my constantly making her happy.
Her happiness gave me a sense of purpose.
A reason to work.
To try.
To push.
To... Be.
I was so in love with her that I neglected the shit out of myself, and I let my spirit fall into a deep and dark place.
I became a servant to the darkness.
Her darkness.
I was miserable, and she didn't care.
She didn't care because SHE was safe, comfortable, catered to, and essentially worshiped.
She had come to realize that she could talk to me however she wanted to and get away with it not only because I loved her, but because I had little to no self-respect.
I had lost myself in her.
My light.
My spark.
My way of living and seeing the world.
All I had come to see was her, and the darkness that surrounded her, and I was obsessed with saving her from it.
She wanted that darkness.
It didn't haunt her; it was a part of her very existence.
It was a staple of her identity.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Don't let love be a cage.
Also: Don't let your love become a cage for someone else.
Make sure that the love you give and get is mutual.
Before we started dating, things were much different. We were pretty good friends, you know?
I know now I should have stayed in that friend zone I kept letting her pluck me from.
I should have just listened to myself, lmao!
But do we ever really listen to ourselves?
Mayhap that clarity only comes with the attainment of self-awareness.
Hmm.
A part of me wishes that I were a bit more aware back then, but you know what?
This wouldn't be nearly as interesting had I been!
Lol.
I will leave you at that, and I'll see you back here soon enough, yeah?
I hope this both finds and leaves you well!
I will let you all know how the move goes, okay!?
STAY TUNED!!
LMAO!
I love and appreciate you all more than you will ever know.
Safe travels, Folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy
Stay vigilant.
- Bluu.