Hey, hey!
I hope that you all have been doing well, yeah?
Life has a way of sending us curveballs, you know?
How we handle them is what makes us who we are.
I hope that all of you have curveballs that you can handle and that make you the best version of who you are meant to be.
I am doing just fine, or as fine as humanly possible, lol.
I have all of the same problems that any other human does, you know?
Bills.
Loneliness.
The need/urge to be more than me, or bigger than myself.
I think that these feelings are a part of the human experience, the good and the bad.
But what is it to be human?
Hmm.
What about us makes us so much better than many of the OTHER animals that roam this world outside of our thumbs and sizable brain?
Hmm, and hmm again.
I will let you get to what you came here for, yeah?
See you all soon enough!
Enjoy.
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September 17th, 2013.
Journal #094
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So.
I met a girl online.
XXXXX.
Nothing major.
I like her because she likes my poetry, lol.
I guess we use each other.
Bills... Ugh.
God will get me through this, I know it...
XXXXX's sister XXXXX bought her an amazing necklace.
To represent her lost babies.
That's one of the kindest gifts that I've ever witnessed...
Amazing family she has.
I'm so tired...
I need to clear my mind.
I need to make more money.
I need to take better care of myself.
My house.
My life.
Clear my mind...
Get away from everything for a while...
-----
Hmm.
- I had met this woman online who was simply amazing. She was tall and statuesque. She was loving and giving. She was everything that I could have asked for.
She was more than I was ready for at 23 years old...
Man, I was just too immature...
Too infatuated with someone who -little did I know wanted nothing to do with me outside of what she could get out of me.
I wish that I could talk to her now, you know?
I would explain where I was mentally.
I would make sure that she knows that it was never her who was the problem.
It was me.
It was that Gothic chick, leading me down a path of darkness and self-destruction.
I wish I could give her a second chance, and love her the way she deserved to be loved...
More accurately, and more fairly stated: I wish that she could give ME a second chance.
I wish that she would just talk to me.
They say be careful what you wish for, but some wishes are well worth whatever price we may pay.
She really did like my poetry, and I really did like her...
I was just too lost in the idea of being with the woman that I was chasing...
More accurately, the woman with whom I was overly infatuated.
Do you want to know the shitty part?
My exe -just my 'friend' then- knew that I was talking to that other woman, and she knew what she really liked me, and that we could have been a decent couple, but she leaned in when she saw that my attention towards her was waning...
Talk about selfish.
She literally wanted nothing to do with me outside of sex and material things/services.
- My exe -then fiancé- had experienced a couple of miscarriages before we had gotten together, and it had quite the effect on her. Her sister had bought her a necklace that represented said children, and the loss that she lived with. It was a truly beautiful gift, you know?
But alas, both she and her family were all very back-stabbing in their ways...
I kid you not, nearly every time that I was alone with any of her siblings, they would talk nothing but negative shit about one another.
That blew me away simply because they were very buddy-buddy in each other's faces. That made me pull away from her family quite early on in our relationship, but I would never disclose this to her. She -and they- were so "family oriented," who was I to come in between all of that? It was a hot, boiling, stinking mess, I tell you.
As much as a part of me hates that I didn't get at least one child out of that relationship, the better part of me is far happier that I dodged that bullet.
That family was quite toxic, I tell you.
I had a friend who happened to date my ex's brother for a while, and she got pregnant with his child not long after they got together.
She became nearly instantly miserable just as soon as their baby was born, and their relationship withered and died not very long after.
I managed to get away... Regardless of how long it took, and how much time was wasted.
She -unfortunately- did not escape as unphased, as she now is forever tied to that family via the science of genetics, lmao.
Sheesh.
Quite the bullet dodged.
I would HATE to sit with my adult child and tell them my side of the story one day, and how shitty and selfish their mother had been.
I am happy to not have that in my future, you know?
- As for my advice to myself? I never needed more money; I just needed to be better with it.
I still honestly have this problem to this day.
I was drained nearly dry by my exe, and when I left her, I had to start all the way over from nearly nothing. I lived and still live paycheck to paycheck.
That is one of the many negative aftereffects that she left me with.
Beware who you pour your time, attention, energy, and money into, Folks.
Some people only want you around for what you can do for them, and not for who you are.
I will leave you all at that, and I will see you back here soon enough, yeah?
I hope that you are all doing just as well by the next chapter, and I will hopefully be just as well!
Thank you all for your time, and I love you dearly.
More than you can imagine, you know?
Stay loyal to yourself, and don't let love be a cage, okay?
Safe travels, Folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.