Hey there, Folks!
I hope -as always- that this finds you well, and in good health.
It's been quite a year, yeah?
So many things have transpired!
So many events and happenstance.
So many gains and losses.
More lose than gain, it seems at times.
But alas, we are here, yeah?
We are all alive to talk about our lives, no matter the state that they are in.
Me?
I've been okay, just trying not to get my hopes up with this woman that I met recently, lol.
I kinda like her, you know?
But mutual attraction seems to be quite a rare thing these days.
We only find so many people attractive in the way that we care to spend our life and time with them, yeah?
It is just our luck that we find the one in the millions of people on this planet who is "our person"
our "Soulmate".
Some, if not most of us, will not meet that person.
Some of us will.
I hope that I find that person.
I hope that we all do.
Most people deserve a good, happy, healthy relationship.
Most morally straight people.
But not all of us get that.
That chance.
That opportunity.
Hmm.
Such -it seems- is life.
We will see how things go with this newest woman.
We will see if my hopes are fated to fly or doomed to dive, lmao.
Hmm.
I will keep you all posted.
Let's go see what Young Me was getting into, yeah?
I am sure he thought he knew who the "love of his life" was back then, lol.
Bah.
Life, right?
Let's go have a look!
Enjoy!
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August 26th, 2013.
Journal #077.
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A great day.
My interview went without a hitch, and I really look forward to working at my new location.
The boss is cool, and he's very open-minded. I know I will grow to love this new job of mine, and the new kids as well.
Kids take to me, so let's hope these aren't too different from my old kids.
Me and XXXXX beat Gears of War.
Interesting since I figured I would never play that game.
Lead me to be more open-minded, lol.
It's always good to spend time with her. It's always good to see her.
Period.
I know that it will always be that way.
Behind her steel-plated doors is an amazingly vibrant heart.
She is a dark-side person, yes, but that doesn't mean there is no light there.
I couldn't grow bored of her, and I wouldn't change her for the world.
She laughs at me and questions how I could possibly be "sexed out".
Well, it's simple:
Too much of a good thing (with the wrong person) can be a bad thing.
XXXXX is cool and all, but emotionless sex isn't as nearly as pleasing as sex with someone that you care about.
So yes, I got tired of it. I don't complain. I just know what I want, and she isn't it.
By far.
She said:
"Do you think you've found that person yet?"
And I said:
"Yeah... I believe I'm close."
She said:
"It's me, isn't it?"
And I said:
"Well... I believe so."
What will be, will be.
Nothing more,
Nothing less.
Life rolls on.
-----
Hmm.
-Transferring to a new location turned out to be a nightmare, as I am sure you all know by this point.
I had a really hard time with not being able to speak Spanish, and I was offered no help at all in any of the work I had to do.
I don't miss that job or place, but I did meet and have the honor of teaching a great number of amazing children.
-I had played Gears of War with my ex, and I had actually enjoyed it, which surprised me, lol. I am and have always been a huge Halo fan, you know?
That put me in nearly direct competition and opposition to most Gears fans, lol.
It was very close to sacrilege to sit and play a Gears game as a Halo fan, or so it seemed, so I obviously was going crazy for her if I was willing to sacrifice my Grunt-stompin' honor in order to play with a chainsaw gun.
-It was always good to see her because I was so infatuated with her.
That is it, and that is all.
Some people are not special.
They are not amazing.
They are not phenomenal, or extraordinary, or unfathomable.
It is our love for them, or love OF them, that makes them so.
Once you tear away the veil, many people are just selfish, self-serving, self-loathing individuals who will never let themselves be held accountable for their actions or the effects they have on those closest to them.
This is a sad truth, Folks.
I say all that to say this: Look closer. Deeper.
We fall in love with the surface of the lake for its beauty, yet we often fail to see much of the spoilage, algae, and fish carcasses that float just below that pristine surface.
Look closer.
-I can't and won't say that she is a "bad person", but I can and will say that she treated me really shitty for just over 70% of the course of that thing that I (not we) called a relationship. All while I was extremely proud to be with her, mind you.
I can't tell you what sort of witchcraft she had over me, but it must have been mighty potent...
All of that darkness that surrounded her was not some miraculous, magical shield that was guarding some profound light deep within her; it was a barbed-wire-lined, rusted-nail-covered barrier and warning that I should have stopped to observe more carefully.
She had said to me once early on, before we started dating: "I wish you didn't love me so much."
Or something along those lines.
I have no idea what my naive heart and infatuated ears had heard at the time, but fack me, man...
Was that NOT enough of a red flag to turn tail and run for the fackin' hills!?
Apparently not until at least nine years later, lbvs.
-I remember the young lady that I was referring to, and how we would have random sex whenever she would call, and whenever I had time to respond to those calls.
I had met her while working at a gas station that was not far from my house, and I was just as single as she was, so we had exchanged numbers after a bit of flirtatious banter.
It was never bad sex.
Ever.
To the contrary, it was actually quite phenomenal.
She was spiritually rambunctious and sexually wily.
I loved it.
I could have easily loved her.
I would have let myself love her, but she didn't want love; she wanted wild, raucous, heart-pounding, nearly emotionless sex.
I enjoyed that for all but a month.
Not that I wanted it to end at the time, but I was starting to get a bit closer to that "elusive" goth, and as much as I liked this one, I was madly in love with that one.
Or so I thought.
Sometimes we are only being led where we think we want to go, you know?
-I remember sitting and talking about "soulmates" and the like.
We would talk about many, many things as friends, and looking back, I am sure that she was more likely cataloging things to weaponize whenever the chance arrived.
I was (and still am, obviously) quite the open book about many things in my life, and she would drink it all as I ignorantly sat before her, infatuated, and spat it out.
She had asked me (in a roundabout way) if I thought she was my soulmate, and of course, I leapt at the opportunity to say yes.
I believed it too.
I really did.
I really, really did.
She wanted to hear that, and she did.
The power dynamic was set and solidified, and I was at the short end of the stick.
Man, to look back at these old journals...I was so blinded by love and lust and infatuation.
So blind.
Please, please, please, please don't ignore the flags and warnings.
When they tell you or show you what they did to an ex, it is just a warning of what they can and will do to you, if not worse.
Judge those words as their truth, not as veiled jokes.
I beg you.
It could save you a lot of time, energy, money, and everything else, you know?
I will leave you all at that, and I hope that you all never let anyone else's love become a cage for you.
Believe me, it is not worth it.
Do what you must for you, and what is meant for you will find you.
I love you all, and I will see you back here within these weird halls of my mind soon enough, yeah?
Safe travels, Folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.
P.S. I think I will go as "Bluu" from now on, in order to represent my healing and growth. "Redd" was a different, hurt, damaged, and traumatized version of me, you know? I have become a better, more emotionally balanced person, and I think that deserves a new title!
I will see you all back here soon, yeah?
See you then!
-Bluu.