"Wakey-wakey~!" sang Sakura, whipping the bedcovers off Naruto in one swift motion. "Time to get up, Naruto-kun, we've got work to do!"
The world of dreams shattered around Naruto's ears as Sakura's brusque wake‑up call wrenched him from his slumber, sending him straight into fight‑or‑flight mode. After a few frantic seconds spent wrestling his pillow and fending off various imaginary foes, his eyes finally snapped open. Blinking, he took in his surroundings, finally realising there were no enemies ambushing him in his bed.
"Sakura-chan?" Naruto muttered, rubbing his bleary eyes. "Am I still dreaming, you know…?"
Noticing that Sakura seemed enraptured with something happening farther down his bed, Naruto followed her gaze, and… she was staring at his crotch.
"Are you feeling quite all right, Naruto?" Sakura asked, a note of concern in her voice. "Usually, healthy boys ought to be… well, er… how should I put this… livelier down there in the morning?"
Naruto let out a strangled cry and lunged at Sakura, trying to snatch back his bedcovers to preserve his modesty, but she twirled neatly out of reach. Having completely missed his mark, he went sprawling onto the unforgiving floor, sending the pile of empty ramen cups on his bedside table clattering to the ground with his flailing arms.
Sakura scratched her head in puzzlement.
This was rather odd— in the adult films she'd watched in her previous life, specifically the ones with the sweet girl‑next‑door, childhood friend type, the plot invariably began with her waking the protagonist before school and then making a scene over him pitching a tent.
Unless… Naruto was suffering from a very serious condition! One far worse than wanker's cramp, the deadliest of British diseases!
"This might sound weird, but I'm going to have to see your p*nis!" Sakura shouted in a panic. "Naruto, I think you might be on the verge of technobreaking!"
In Sakura's homeland of Japan, technobreak was slang for a very real medical condition. The official term was fukujōshi— death by sexual intercourse, often by heart failure. As this terrible affliction— which often stemmed from jerking off excessively, especially in the case of younger people— had claimed her life in her previous incarnation, Sakura quite naturally took the situation with the utmost seriousness.
"Technobreak?" Naruto asked in confusion, before letting out a yelp of fright. "Sakura-chan!?"
Without warning, Sakura had dived at him, grabbing at the hem of his boxers. Acting purely on instinct, Naruto caught his boxers' waistband just in time, yanking them up to stop them from sliding down his legs.
The two of them then grappled in silence for several seconds, punctuating their efforts with the occasional grunt as they vied for control of Naruto's underwear.
Sakura, for her part, had no intention of letting the world end simply because Naruto had stumbled upon the pleasures of adolescence. As for Naruto, he still had some growing to do— so, tempting as it was to let matters run their course, he wasn't quite ready to unveil his own Mt Fuji to the world just yet.
What if Sakura laughed at its size!? He'd just have to commit Sudoku from embarrassment!
But eventually, stimulated by all the sights, the hot, breathy moans, and the overwhelming softness, Naruto's little brother finally began waking up. Whether or not he wanted it, it was coming!
"You traitor!" Naruto groaned, thinking unsexy thoughts with all his might.
"Hold… still!" Sakura grunted. "Mystical Palm Jutsu!"
It was all or nothing!
Seizing on Sakura's momentary lapse in concentration as she initiated the complex healing technique, he let his training take over, flipping her onto her back and straddling her to reverse their positions.
"Eep!" Sakura squeaked, her eyes widening in surprise.
It's at that precise moment that Sasuke chose to enter the room. And the instant he saw a nearly naked and heavily breathing Naruto mounting a defenceless Sakura, he froze.
Since he and Sakura were neighbours— and on the same team— he'd decided to tag along while she went to fetch Naruto, before they all headed to the Hokage's residence for their new emergency mission.
"Ah," said Naruto dumbly, suddenly becoming aware of the very compromising situation he had just found himself in. "This isn't what you're thinking, Sasuke…"
Sasuke said nothing, but the chill in his gaze told Naruto everything he needed to know. The Chidori crackling in his right hand was, admittedly, a rather large clue as well.
"Wait, wait, wait!" Naruto shouted over the loud chirping. "I'm serious, this really isn't what it looks like, ya know! Sasukeeeee!"
"Narutooo!"
…
Ten minutes later, Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke limped into the Hokage's office.
Their scuffle had very nearly brought Naruto's apartment block crashing down about their ears and had almost landed them in the custody of the military police— though, thankfully, they'd managed to avoid capture by hypnotising their would‑be arresting officers, which was arguably an even worse offence.
But with any luck, by the time their mission was finished and they returned to the village, the whole affair would have already blown over.
"What on earth happened to you three?" asked Tsunade, utterly stupefied. "If our shinobi turn up injured, I generally expect it to be after they've returned from a mission— not before I've even started giving them the briefing!"
Naruto glared at Sasuke and Sakura. Sasuke scoffed dismissively, while Sakura looked away and began whistling with exaggerated innocence.
"Whatever," sighed Tsunade. "Now, listen up, you three— we've received intel that Orochimaru will be in Kusagakure in exactly six days. We've finally caught sight of his tail, so I'd say it's about time we caught it with our own two hands and dragged him back to face judgment!"
Sakura yawned.
Wasn't this the Tenchi Bridge Arc she was about to embark on? Talk about a snoozefest… and one of the original Sakura's weakest showings, one which was all the more glaring after her stellar performance against Sasori in the previous arc.
"Is this about Neji?" Sakura asked tentatively. "Shouldn't Team Guy be handling this one?"
To be perfectly honest, the Snake Sannin gave her the creeps, and in the best of worlds, she would have preferred to keep as far from him as humanly possible— and to keep it that way.
Still, she had grown taller, broader, and stronger since their last meeting in the Land of Waves. As for the Sharingan's three-tomoe Saimingan Genjutsu, it probably wouldn't be of much help against him— after all, he'd likely learned his lesson well, having been thoroughly humiliated by a thirteen-year-old Itachi with Mangekyō Sharingan. But beyond Taijutsu, her fundamentals were far more solid than they'd been at thirteen, so maybe she'd actually be able to beat him up and drag him back to the village with Naruto's and Sasuke's help…
"Team Guy is still in recovery, so they unfortunately can't go," explained Tsunade. "The only one fighting fit is Rock Lee, but I can't very well send him on an S‑rank mission alone."
Guy-sensei was due to recover fully from his poisoning within a week, but by then, the deadline would have passed and Orochimaru would have disappeared once again. As for Tenten and Karin, the former was suffering from acute chakra exhaustion and the latter from anaemia, so they too were disabled for a week.
"Hang on, isn't Kakashi-sensei bedridden as well?" asked Naruto thoughtfully. "Couldn't we take Bushy Brows with us as our fourth member? He's the one who wants to get Neji back the most…"
Tsunade shook her head.
"You may have all come on a great deal over the past two years, but in my view, you're still a bit green behind the ears," said Tsunade, steepling her fingers. "I'd rest easier with a proper adult keeping an eye on you, so I've assigned a veteran Jōnin to act as Team Kakashi's temporary leader."