"Brother! Are you still looking outside the window? Geez... I'll be bored by just staring at the same thing for one minute."
Sitting up at my hospital bed and gazing aimlessly out the window, I suddenly heard a familiar voice.
I slowly turned my head around, and saw my little brother peeling an apple.
His brown eyes gently flickered under the ceiling light above as he continued to cut the apple with his slim hand. After cutting it all, he ran his hand through his medium-length curly brown hair before adjusting his shirt over his fit body that resulted from exercise—with a hint of tan on his light-toned skin.
How long was he there..?.
Even now, I could still see that familiar warm smile spread across his face.
After a moment of silence, I slowly looked around the room—trying to see if he came with someone else, only to be let down...
My little brother continued to visit me after being hospitalized. He was always a kind and gentle person that could easily show a smile to everyone he saw, and I couldn't help but admire him for that...
He's also the one that gave me the romance novel to read so I wouldn't be bored.
He's truly... a caring brother...
Every time he visits me, I feel this familiar warm sensation coursing through my heart. As I clenched my hospital gown while still gazing at his warm smile, I slowly realized what this emotion was: Happiness.
The same emotion I felt when I gazed upon them from the window returned once again...
I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling this emotion, but...
It doesn't feel forced...
It doesn't feel like my usual facade...
It doesn't make me feel guilty...
It... puts me at ease. Making me believe that I wasn't forsaken.
But even after feeling this happy emotion once again, I couldn't express it to him. I tried, but it just doesn't... click.
After a long moment of contemplation, I took a deep breath... and slowly lifted my head up to gaze upon his happy smile once more.
I slowly curved my lips upward, softening my eyes while trying to imitate the same smile he always showed me to put him at ease. Trying to convey the same smile as true as I can.
"I have nothing else to do other than enjoy the world outside."
He slightly chuckled. "If you want, I can recommend another novel that's been popular. I'm sure you'll love it like the other one!"
I forced out a similar chuckle, slightly gazing away to avoid eye-contact. "Well, I certainly won't be disappointed with any gift you'll give me."
"You won't be disappointed! There are many novels that have become popular throughout your stay in the hospital." He thought to himself—trying so hard to remember all the novels he has read. "Let's see... I'll get you a book like the one you read. You must've liked it since you finished it in a day. How amazing!"
Hearing him compliment me, I looked away even more. "T-Thank you... for the compliment."
After that, he continued to talk about what he did in school, the other books he had read, and even some rumors and gossip that were floating around his classmates.
But the more he talked, the dimmer his words became, and the more his smile faded before he stopped, gazing down at the floor with a troubled expression.
"... It seems like he wants to speak about that subject again."
He slowly looks up, and sadly looks into my eyes before speaking in an anxious voice. "... Did mother and father not visit you today?"
I sat there frozen for a long minute, unsure of how to answer.
After all... he doesn't know my relationship with those people. He truly believes that our family is happy, and I don't want to ruin that image for him.
I... I just want to see him happy; I don't want to see him sad...
Especially because of me.
But even then, it's quite... burdensome to speak about those people with him. But I could only lie and say that they were busy with work—as usual.
Hearing my response, his skin went slightly pale. He slowly facepalmed his face his whole hand, and slowly leaned forward before sighing.
After a few seconds of eerie silence, he finally looked up and faced me with bitter eyes.
"... Brother. Ever since you were hospitalized, our parents have changed. I... I feel like they aren't the same parents that I used to know. Especially mother, she—"
He shut his mouth—hesitating for a bit before speaking again. "She... keeps calling you a monster. Minji... Minji has also changed. Mother told her something that made her unable to talk about you anymore. Maybe they'll do the same with me."
"Our parents are so cruel... I don't want to see you or Minji sad. But what can I do to make you happy?"
His expression saddened once again. "But I just don't like how you're being treated, brother. It's like they forgot that you're their child. I can't help but feel so... guilty. Especially since the only thing I can do is visit you everyday."
I don't know why, but the more I saw his saddened face, the tighter I clutched my pants.
"B-But still, I know just how kind of a person you are, brother. What can I do to change our parents' minds? Just what can I do... to make our family happy again..."
My eyes widened.
"No, It's not your fault! Please... I just want you to be happy like you always are... "
I don't really understand what it means to comfort someone. But I do know that it's my fault that he's feeling so guilty and sad about the current predicament.
If I say that it's my fault, would he stop feeling sad? Would he be the happy little brother that I know and care about?
But... I always think that saying what's on my mind is never a promising idea. Yet, I still want to lessen his guilt.
I want to gamble my chances—if it means being able to see him happy again.
Looking down on the bed, shutting my eyes tight and clutching my pants even more, I slowly opened my mouth and spoke.
"It's... not your fault. I guess I really am a monster."
Hearing those words, he quickly looked at me with despair. "No! That's not true!" He jumped from his seat and grabbed my hands, looking straight into my eyes. "You're not a monster! No matter what anyone says about you—even from mother or father—I know you're not a bad person!"
"Why is he angry? Isn't what I said the truth?"
He then realized the strength of his grip and quickly let go of my hand, sat himself down on the seat, and gazed down at the floor once again while his hands quivered.
"Why does he look even sadder...? As I thought, everything I say makes things worse..."
I thought my words would help calm him down, but it had the opposite effect. Even on my deathbed, I still can't tell what words or emotions are correct in such situations...
"Y-You were the only one who was truly there for me..." he whispered while still looking down at the floor, with his hands and legs trembling more and more.
"Y-You were the only one there when I was in the sports competition—despite our parents and sister saying that they were too busy to come."
"... Why is he suddenly recalling the past...?"
"E-Even when our class won third place, you still congratulated me with a smile on your face. When I finally got accepted to the High School that I tried so hard to get in, you and sis were the only ones who were genuinely happy and celebrated with me. It made me so happy..."
He clutched the sheet near my bed—still looking down at the floor, while trying his best to hold in his tears.
"Y-You took Minji and me to so many places that were so much fun—to so many places where we created happy memories together." His hand shook even more before he clenched the sheet tighter. "Y-You even took the blame for my mistakes once... and got yelled at by our parents because of what I did, I felt so guilty, but... I couldn't help but also feel happy to have an older brother that I can depend on..."
He then looked up, letting his tears run down his face while his whole body shaked even more.
"No... Everything I did was a facade! Please don't thank me! I'm someone who doesn't deserve to be called a human!"
But even as he continued to cry, he slowly smiled back. "You're the only one that I can truly call a family. The only person that I can rely on." He then reached for my hand, holding it more gently than before. "And the only one I know I can trust."
"Stop, you're wrong... You're wrong! I've been tricking you this whole time! Don't put your trust in me...!"
"So even in your final moments, I want to be by your side. I want to be with my brother who cared for me ever since I was born. Even if I must take care of you for the rest of my life, I'll do it, if it means that I don't have to lose you. I'll make it my destiny to protect you just like you always did with me. I want to repay the kindness that you showed me all these years!"
"It was all an act; an act! Please... stop caring about me!"
With a smile so sincere—without any lies... how can you say something like that despite not knowing what I was truly doing?
I know that I need to tell him that I was doing—what I was saying... was not but a lie. That I was putting up a facade, and that everything he knew about me was just a persona that I created for him and Minji.
I know I need to tell him, but for some reason... I can't.
Why...? Why can't I tell him...?
The more I thought about it, the more my heart became heavy.
I've never felt like this before...
Why do I feel sluggish?
Why do I feel something coming out of my eyes?
Why do I feel like I want to throw up?
Why do I feel like something on my chest is about to burst?
Why is my body tensing and shaking?
Why am I breathing out of control?
I suddenly felt something damp streaming from my eyes, and down my face. I hesitantly touched the part that felt weird, and felt a bunch of watery things.
As I looked to see what it was, my eyes slowly widened.
"... Tears?"
"Why am I crying? I've never cried before... Wait, am I feeling... sadness? Was this the feeling my brother felt for me? No... Don't feel something like this for me. There's no point in feeling something like this for me! I don't understand why you felt like this when I'm the one suffering. I don't want you to feel like this for someone like me... Please, let me stop feeling this emotion. I hate this. I hate feeling like this!"
At this point, I could only cover my eyes with my cold hands—trying so hard to forcefully stop the tears from streaming down. But even as I continued to violently wipe them off and off, more tears continued to roll down with no signs of stopping.
Feeling so helpless, I quickly looked back at my little brother.
His saddened eyes continued to look at me before he slowly leaned forward, wiping my tears away before smiling bitterly. "... This is the first time I've ever seen you cry. With the way you always smiled, I thought that there was nothing in the world that could make you cry..."
He slowly retracted his hand away from my face, yet still gazing at me with his bitter, but warm, smile. "... If you were to ever die and leave this place... I'll be sure to follow you even in another life..."
"No... Don't do something reckless because of me! I was tricking you until now! Why do you have to act like this...?"
Why would you say something like that? Death is the one thing all humans fear. Just how can you say something like that so easily?
Remember his name!
Choi Chun-Jan
The name I thought I wouldn't have to remember... Say the name! Say what you were doing this whole time!
Tell him the truth about who I am! Tell him that I'm not a human being! Tell him that I was lying to him all this time!
If he knows the truth, he'll hate me and won't do anything reckless just for me! He'll stop feeling emotions such as sadness for me!
Yes...
He'll stop caring...
I tried to say his name, but something clogged my throat.
I coughed out in my hand and saw... blood?
My whole body began to shake intensely. I couldn't think or say anything, and just stared at my own bloody hands.
"Ah... Am in a state of confusion...?"
Weird...
Why am I suddenly feeling these emotions that I couldn't feel throughout my whole life today?
Happiness, anger, sadness, regret, and confusion...
Huh... it seems like today is my lucky day...
I slowly looked back at my little brother, whose face was mortified as he saw the blood in my hand.
After a long, eerie silence, I coughed out even more blood. I then saw him getting up and calling out for the doctors and nurses with a pale expression filled with despair, confusion, and grief...
Doctors and nurses began to enter the room. But by that time, my whole body felt cold.
I laid down in my bed—breathing hazardously while my vision began to slowly deteriorate.
"Is this how it ends...?"
As tears began to flow down my face once more, I suddenly felt the need to say one more thing to my younger brother.
"C-Chun-Jan, I'm sorry.... I couldn't be the brother you wanted me to be..."
His eyes widened before quickly grabbing my blood-stained hand with both his hands, gripping it tightly. "What are you saying?! Stop saying things that make it look like you're going to die! You're not going to die!"
The sensation of his hands shaking resonated with my dying heart.
"I won't die...?"
"N-No! You're going to be fine! E-Everything will be okay! So don't think like that...."
I couldn't help but let out a small chuckle. "I see... then can you stay by my side then? I feel so... sleepy..." I paused, and tightened my grasp before continuing. "Once I wake up... do you think I can finally be the brother you could count on?"
"D-Don't say that! You were always someone I looked up to! I-I'll be sure to stay by your side while you sleep, so don't think like that!"
Despite trying to force out a warm smile, he's still crying...
"Chun-Jan... please don't fake your emotions... just like me..."
My head feels like it's about to split open, slowly feeling more and more... tired.
"... Once I wake up, do you want to go somewhere new—just like always?"
I know that I'm going to die, it was inevitable. Especially because of my condition.
Yet... I want to believe that I will get better, and have the opportunity to remain right beside my little brother, even my little sister if she can just talk to me again...
I just... want to be in a place that can accept me. A place where I can be with my siblings... and far away from my parents.
A place where I can obtain a new meaning... and experience the many emotions that I couldn't feel...
Like love...
Chun-Jan slowly gripped my hand tighter—still trying to force out a warm smile. "Yes, I always liked traveling to new places with you, brother."
"Is that... so...? I always thought that you found it boring... whenever I asked you to travel with me..."
"... Never. It was so much fun, I could never hate it."
The sounds of many doctors trying to stabilize my condition—the sound of every nurse trying to clean up the mess, all while the sound of me breathing hazardously made me feel so... distant.
My brother was silent for a long moment—lost in his own thoughts—before slowly looking back at my pathetic self, never letting go of my hand before whispering to me in a saddened tone.
"... Where do you want to go this time, brother...?"
Even though it was sad, the tone of his voice relaxed me for some reason...
So compassionate... So kind...
"... I want to go somewhere new... Somewhere I never... visited before..."
Somewhere where I'll finally be accepted...
"... Is that so?"
My vision began to darken... my head slowly fuzzed away as I couldn't think straight anymore...
Despite the loud noise coming from the medical staff, I could only hear my little brother's voice.
I looked away from the roof, and forced my head to look back at Chun-Jan, who was still grabbing my bloody hands.
"I truly hate... seeing him like that..."
"... Chun-Jan, I want to sleep now. I feel very... tired..."
His face tensed up, and his whole body shook. But after a long moment of internal debate, he finally reached a conclusion.
"... If you're feeling tired, then it's ok to... sleep."
"Yes, I'll sleep for a bit... then..."
"I-I'm sorry for lying. I know you never told me to lie, but I was just so afraid..."
More tears began to flow from his eyes as he continued to look at me with despair.
Using the last of my strength, I gripped his hand. "Yes... I know..."
"I-I'm sorry..."
"It's... okay..."
I tried to console him, but my eyelids felt so heavy that I couldn't help but begin to slowly close my eyes.
At this very moment, so many thoughts began to flow through my aching head.
Yes... many regrets that I have never thought about...
Chun-Jan... Minji...
I'm sorry for showing you false love. I'm sorry that all the things you said about me were nothing but lies. I'm sorry that in the end, I couldn't be the brother that you could depend on.
I'm sorry...
If there's another life in which you're both my siblings again, I promise that I will show you love that's not forced, that's not acted, or love that's pretend.
I promise that, deep inside my empty heart, I will finally show you those simple emotions that any normal human has.
I would use those emotions to finally be a brother that you can depend on...
If there's one other thing that I regret, it's realizing these emotions too late, and not showing them to you...
With that last promise that I vowed to myself, I lay on to the bed in which I soon won't wake up from.
The light in my eyes slowly faded, and soon...
Every noise around me turned silent. Every light was consumed by darkness. Every smell was gone, and every sensation in my body became null.
I couldn't feel his warm hand anymore...
But before I died, I just wanted to say one more thing to him.
"Chun-Jan... please stay... happy..."
Upon hearing an unreachable word, I breathed in one last time before the hand that Chun-Jan held limped down.
At the age of sixteen, I died pitifully with only one person by my side...
✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦
Strange.
I feel so conscious... yet unconscious.
As if I'm drowning in some sort of liquid substance that resembles water, but denser. I'm not breathing, but I'm also not drowning.
I can't move my body...
This sensation... Is this what it feels like to be dead?
After an extended period of continuous sinking in this vast sea of liquid, a bright light suddenly appeared before me.
"... Ah. Am I finally dying?"
With those words, my vision was consumed by darkness once again. But unexpectedly, the cry of a baby echoed through my ears.
"Congratulations. It seems like the child of the Duke is born healthy without any inconvenience."
I slightly opened my eyes to where it couldn't be seen by the onlookers, and saw three unfamiliar people.
A woman was holding me with a bright smile while sitting up in her bed.
Her long, wavy white-hair gently ran down her rosy-skin. The soft look of her hazel-eyes continued to look at me with so much warmth. The more I looked at her face, the more beautiful it became. Not even those of modern-day top idols could compare.
I gazed around from the corner of my eyes to see my surroundings.
The room was filled with expensive paintings, decorations like flowers and vases with precise details and craftsmanship, with luxury-looking chairs and furniture nearby.
There was a tall man standing next to the bed—showing a warm smile towards me, and the woman holding me.
Black hair that was brushed back, irises red as blood, and a scar on his right eye going down horizontally on his slightly-tanned skin. With his muscular appearance, it would be an understatement to just call him handsome.
But even though he looked like a serious man, he continued to show a warm smile.
The last person that I gazed upon was a female doctor. She had long, jet-black straight hair with glasses covering her narrow, blue eyes, and olive-skin.
She showed proper posture that was both dignified, and calculative—as if her every move was planned to not make the people in the room feel unpleasant, while also showing a subtle hidden agenda...
I tried to raise one arm.
After a moment of trying, I finally lifted it up in front of me. They're quite small and chubby. Looking closely, I could see a silver bracelet with a red gem around my wrist.
"Strange... My hands aren't supposed to be this small..."
I tried to raise my head, but was unable. It felt heavy as a stone, and I could barely move it.
Any other limbs wouldn't properly listen to my command.
I tried to speak.
"... A bah!"
A high-pitch sound that couldn't replicate the words I wanted to convey.
Despite this scenario being impossible to happen, it seems like I'm in the body of a baby...
Using the information about the background, and the fashion choices of the three people in the room, the current possible scenario that I can conclude at the moment is two: Either I went back in time, or I got transferred into a world that closely resembles the Medieval Era in Europe.
I've read the concept of reincarnation in the books of Theology.
The concept is also widely used in the novel Novel industry with people from the modern world being reincarnated to another world with a new body.
A situation where the person can relive life in another body and do things they couldn't do in their past life.
A second chance is what they call it.
But in the body of a newborn...
This is certainly something new.