"Brother! Are you still looking outside the window? Geez... I'll be bored by just staring at the same thing for one minute."
Sitting up at my hospital bed while gazing aimlessly at the window, I suddenly heard a familiar voice.
I slowly turned my head towards the source and saw him peeling an apple. How long has he been here without making a noise...
Even now, I notice that familiar warm smile that he always carries.
Brown eyes taken out from my father's side, silky medium-curly brown hair from my mother, and a fit body that resulted from exercise with slightly light tone skin. If I were to guess, this type of appearance is what makes him handsome to the people around him.
As I continued to gaze at him, I slowly looked around the room, trying to see if he came with someone, but to no avail...
My little brother was the only one that continued to visit and take care of me. He was always a kind and gentle person that easily showed a smile to everyone he saw. I couldn't help but admire him for that...
Being able to show a smile with ease...
He's also the one that gave me the romance novel to read.
Even as I thought my life had no more meaning, he kept on visiting me every day, showing me so much kindness and warmth to a broken being like me.
He's truly... a caring brother...
Every time he visits me, I feel this warm sensation coursing gently in my heart. It felt so strange, yet familiar. As I clenched my hospital gown while still gazing at his warm smile, I slowly realized what this emotion was: Happiness.
The same emotion I remember experiencing when I gazed upon them from the window returned once again. How ironic...
I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling this emotion, but...
It doesn't feel forced... It doesn't feel like my usual facade... It doesn't make me feel guilty...
It... puts me at ease... Making me believe that I wasn't forsaken....
But even after feeling this happy emotion once again... I couldn't express it to him... I tried, but it just doesn't click.
I dislike this feeling. I'm receiving something but can't give it back...
After a long moment of contemplation, I slowly lifted my head and gazed upon his happy smile once more.
I began my facade.
I slowly curved my lips upward, softening my eyes while trying to imitate the same smile he always showed me to put him at ease. Trying to convey the same smile as true as I can. "I have nothing else to do other than enjoy the world outside."
He slightly chuckles before sitting down on the chair next to the bed. "If you want, I can recommend another novel that's been popular. I'm sure you'll love it like the other one!"
I forced out a chuckle, slightly gazing away to avoid eye-contact. "Well, I certainly won't be disappointed with whatever gift you'll give me."
"You won't be disappointed! There are many novels that have become popular throughout your stay in the hospital." He thinks to himself, trying to remember all the novels he has read. "Let's see... I'll get you a book like the one you read. You must've liked it since you finished it in a day. How amazing!"
Hearing him compliment me, I quickly flinched before looking away even more. "Thank you... for the compliment."
He continued to talk about what happened at school, the other books he has read, and even some rumors and gossip that were floating around his classmates. But the more he talked, the dimmer his words became before he stopped, gazing at the floor with a slightly troubled expression.
"... It seems like he wants to speak about that subject again."
He slowly looks up, gazing sadly at me before speaking in an anxious voice. "... Did mother and father not visit you today?"
I sat there frozen for a minute, unsure of how to answer.
After all, he doesn't know my relationship with those people. He truly believes that our family is happy. I don't want to ruin that for him. I just want to see him happy... I don't want to see him sad... Especially because of me.
But even then, it's quite... burdensome to speak about those people with him, but I could only lie and say that they were busy with work, as usual.
Hearing my response, his skin went slightly pale. He slowly covered his face with his hand, facing his face down to the floor before releasing a sigh. After a few seconds of the eerie silence, he finally looked up and faced me.
"... Brother. Ever since you were hospitalized, our parents have changed. I... I feel like they aren't the same parents that I used to know. Especially mother. She–"He closed his mouth, hesitating for a bit as thought to himself before he spoke again. "She keeps calling you a monster. Minji... Minji has also changed. Mother told her something that made her unable to talk about you anymore... Maybe they'll do the same with me..."
"Our parents are so cruel... I don't want to see you or Minji sad... but what can I do to make you happy?"
His expression saddened once again. "But I just don't like how you're being treated, brother. It's like they forgot that you're their child. I can't help but feel guilty..."
I don't know why, but the more I saw his saddened face, the tighter I clutched my hands.
"B-But still, I know just how kind of a person you are, brother. Just what can I do to change our parents' minds? Just what can I do... to make our family happy again..."
My eyes slowly widened. "No... It's not your fault. Please, I just want you to be happy like you always are... "
I don't really understand what it means to comfort someone, but I do understand that it's my fault that he's feeling so guilty and sad about the current predicament.
If I say that it's my fault, would he stop feeling sad? Would he be the happy little brother that I know?
But... I always think that saying what's on my mind is never a promising idea. But I still want to lessen his guilt... I want to gamble my chances, if it means seeing him happy again.
Looking down on the bed, shutting my eyes tight before clutching the bed sheets, I slowly opened my mouth and began talking. "... It's not your fault. I guess I really am a monster."
Hearing those words, he quickly looked at me with despair. "No! That's not true!" He jumped from his seat and grabbed my hands, looking directly into my eyes. "You're not a monster! No matter what anyone says about you, even from mother or father, I know you're not a bad person!"
Why is he angry? Isn't what I said the truth?
He then realized the strength of his grip and quickly let go of my hand, sitting himself down on the seat, gazing at the floor once again as his hands quivered.
"Why does he look sadder now...? As I thought, everything I say makes things worse..."
I thought my words would help calm him down... But even on my deathbed, I still can't tell what words or emotions are correct in such situations...
"Y-You were the only one who was truly there for me..." He suddenly whispered out those words, still looking down at the floor, his hands and legs trembling even more. "Y-You were the only one there when I was in the sports competition despite my parents and sister saying they were busy."
"... Why is he suddenly recalling the past...?"
"E-Even when our class won third place, you still congratulated me with a smile on your face. When I finally got accepted to the High school that I tried so hard to get in, you and sis were the only ones who were genuinely happy and celebrated with me. It made me so happy..."
He clutched the sheet near my bed, still looking down while trying to hold in his tears.
"Y-You took Minji and me to so many places that were enjoyable. To so many places where we created fun memories together." His hand shook even more as he clenched the sheet tighter. "Y-You even took the blame for my mistakes once... When you got yelled at by our parents because of what I did, I felt so guilty, but... I couldn't help but feel happy to have an older brother that I can depend on..."
He looked up, drops of tears began to form from his eyes, his whole body shaking even more as he continued to clutch the sheet in his hand.
"No... Everything I did was a facade! Please don't thank me... I'm someone who doesn't deserve to be called a human..."
Even as he continued to cry, he slowly smiled back. "You're the only one that I can truly call a family. The only person that I know I can always rely on..." He reached for my hand, holding it more gently than before. "You're my brother that I know I can trust...."
"Stop, you're wrong... You're wrong! I've been tricking you this whole time... Don't put your trust in me...!"
"So even in your final moments, I want to be by your side. I want to be with my brother who cared for me ever since I was born. Even if I must take care of you for the rest of my life, if it means I don't have to lose you, I'll make it my destiny to protect you just like you always did with me... I want to repay the kindness that you showed me all these years!"
"It was all an act, an act! Please... stop caring about me!"
With a smile so sincere, without any lies, how can you say something like that despite not knowing what I was truly doing?
I wanted to scream and tell him that I was lying to him all this time. That I was putting up a facade and that everything he knew about me was just a person I created. But for some reason... I couldn't.
Why...? Why couldn't I tell him...?
The more I thought about it, the more my heart became heavy.
I've never felt like this before...
Why do I feel sluggish? Why do I feel something is coming out of my eyes? Why do I feel like I want to throw up? Why do I feel like something on my chest is about to burst? Why is my body tensing and shaking? Why am I breathing out of control?
I suddenly felt something damp streaming down from my eyes and down my face. I hesitantly touched the part that felt weird and felt a bunch of watery things falling off my eyes.
As I looked to see what it was, my eyes slowly widened. "... Tears...?"
"Why am I crying? I've never cried before... Wait, am I feeling... sadness? Was this the feeling my brother felt for me? No... Don't feel something like this for me. There's no point in feeling something like this for me! I don't understand why you felt like this when I'm the one suffering. I don't want you to feel like this for someone like me... Please, let me stop feeling this emotion, I hate this. I hate feeling like this!"
At this point, I could only cover my eyes with my cold hands, trying to forcefully stop the tears from streaming down. But even as I continued to wipe and wipe it off, even more tears rolled down with no signs of stopping.
Feeling so helpless, I quickly looked at my little brother. His saddened eyes continued to look at me before he slowly leaned forward, wiping my tears away before smiling bitterly. "... This is the first time I've ever seen you cry. With the way you always smiled, I thought that there was nothing in the world that could make you cry..."
He slowly retracted his hand away from my face, yet still gazing at me with his bitter, but warm, smile. "... If you were to ever die and leave this place... I'll be sure to follow you even in another life..."
Why would you say something like that? Death is the one thing all humans fear. Just how can you say something like that so easily?
"No... Don't do something reckless because of me! I was tricking you until now! Why do you have to act like this...?"
Remember his name!
Choi Chun-Jan
The name I thought I wouldn't have to remember... Say the name! Say what you were doing this whole time!
Tell him the truth about who I am! Tell him that I'm not a human being! Tell him that I was lying to him all this time!
If he knows the truth, he'll hate me and won't do anything reckless just for me! He'll stop feeling emotions such as sadness for me!
Yes... He'll stop caring...
I tried to say his name, but something clogged my throat.
I coughed out in my hand and saw... blood?
My whole body began to shake intensely. I couldn't think or say anything other than stare at my own bloody hands.
"Ah... Am in a state of confusion...?"
Weird... Why am I suddenly feeling these emotions that I couldn't feel throughout my whole life today?
Happiness, anger, sadness, regret, and confusion...
Huh... it seems like today is my lucky day...
I looked at my little brother, whose face was mortified as he saw the blood in my hand.
After a silent moment, I coughed out even more blood. I then saw him getting up and calling out for the doctors and nurses with a pale expression filled with despair, confusion, and grief...
Doctors and nurses began to enter the room. But by that time, my whole body felt cold, and I laid down in my bed, breathing hazardously as my vision began to deteriorate.
"Is this how it ends...?"
As tears began to flow down my face once more, I suddenly felt the need to say one more thing to my younger brother.
"... Chun-Ja, I'm sorry.... I couldn't be the... brother you wanted me to be..."
His eyes widened before quickly grabbing my blood-stained hand with both his hands, gripping it tightly. "What are you saying?! Stop saying things that make it look like you're going to die! You're not going to die!"
The sensation of his hands shaking resonated with my dying heart that was finally able to realize what his sadness felt like. "I won't die...?"
"No! You're going to be fine! Everything will be okay! So don't think like that...."
I couldn't help but let out a small chuckle. "... I see... then can you stay by my side then? I feel sleepy... once I wake up... can I finally be a brother you can count on?"
"Y-Yes! I'll be sure to stay by your side while you sleep!"
Despite trying to force out a warm smile, he's still crying...
"Chun-Jan... don't fake your emotions... just like me..."
My head feels like it's about to split open, slowly feeling more and more... tired... "... Once I wake up, do you want to go somewhere like always?"
I know that I'm going to die, it was inevitable because of my condition.
But... I want to believe that I will still live and be beside my little brother, even my sister if she can just talk to me... again...
I want to be in a place that can accept me... in a place where I can be with my siblings... and far away from my parents.
A place where I can obtain a new meaning... and experience the many emotions that I couldn't feel...
Like love...
Chun-Jan slowly gripped my hand tighter, still trying to force out a smile. "... Yes, I always liked traveling to new places with you, brother."
"Is that... so...? I always thought that you found it boring whenever I asked you to travel with me..."
"... Never. It was so much fun... I could never hate it..."
The sounds of many doctors trying to stabilize my condition, the nurses trying to clean up the mess while preparing everything they were asked for, and the sound of me breathing hazardously made me feel so... distant.
My brother was silent for a moment as he was lost in thoughts, slowly gazing at my pathetic self, never letting go of my hand before whispering to me in a saddened tone, his smile gone. "Say, where do you want to go this time brother...?"
Even though it was sad, the tone of his voice relaxed me for some reason... So compassionate...
"... I want to go somewhere new... Somewhere I never... visited..."
Somewhere where I'll finally be accepted...
"... Is that so...?"
My vision began to darken... my head slowly fuzzing away as I couldn't think straight anymore...
Despite loud noise coming from the medical staff, I could only hear my little brother's voice.
I looked away from the roof and forced myself to face Chun-Jan, who was still grabbing my bloody hands.
I truly hate... seeing him like that...
"... Chun-Jan, I want to sleep now... I feel very... tired..."
His face tensed up before his whole body shook immensely. After a long moment of internal debate, he finally reached a conclusion. "... If you're feeling tired, then it is ok to... sleep..."
"Yes, I'll sleep for a bit... then..."
"Yes... I'm sorry for lying... I know you never told me to lie... but I was just afraid..."
More tears began to flow from his eyes, looking down at me with despair.
Using the last of my strength, I gripped his hand. "Yes... I know..."
"... I'm sorry..."
"It's... okay..."
I tried to console him, but my eyelids started to forcefully close.
At this very moment, many thoughts began to flow through my head.
Yes... many regrets that I have never thought about...
Chun-Jan... Minji... I'm sorry for showing you false love. I'm sorry that all the things you said about me are false. I'm sorry that in the end, I couldn't be the brother that you could depend on.
I'm sorry...
If there's another life in which you're both my siblings again, I promise that I will show you love that's not forced, that's not acted, or love that's pretend.
I promise that, deep inside my empty heart, I will finally show you true emotions just like any normal human would...
I would use those emotions to finally be a brother that you can depend on...
If there's one other thing that I regret, it's realizing these emotions too late, and not showing you both my real kindness...
With that last promise that I vowed to myself, I lay on to the bed in which I soon won't wake up from....
With that simple thought, everything became pitch black, and soon... Every noise around me turned silent. Every light consumed by darkness. Every smell was empty, and every sensation in my body became senseless.
I couldn't feel his hand anymore... but before I died, I wanted to say one more thing to him. "Chun-Jan... please stay... happy..."
Upon hearing an unreachable word that came from my brother, I breathed in one last time before the hand that Chun-Jan held limped down.
At the age of sixteen, I died pitifully with only one person by my side...
✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦ .
Strange...
I feel so conscious… yet unconscious.
As if I'm drowning in some sort of liquid substance that resembles water, but denser. I'm not breathing but I'm also not drowning.
I can't move my body...
This sensation... Is this what it feels like to be dead?
After an extended period of continuous sinking in this vast sea of liquid, a bright light suddenly appeared before me.
"... Ah. Am I finally dying?"
With those words, my vision was consumed by darkness once again. But unexpectedly, the cries of a baby echoed through my ears.
"Congratulations, it seems like the child of the duke is born healthy without any inconvenience."
I slightly opened my eyes to where it couldn't be seen by the onlookers. I swiftly saw three unfamiliar people.
A woman holding me with a bright smile while sitting up in her bed. Having long wavy hair, pure white skin, hazel like pupil eyes, lips pink and thin, and a face so beautiful that it was incompatible to those of modern-day top idols.
I looked around to see the surroundings.
The room was filled with luxurious paintings, decorations like flowers and vases that seem unimaginable to the common people. High class chair that was cushioned expensively with a coffee table nearby.
There was a tall man standing next to the bed, showing a blissful face towards both me and the woman holding me.
Black hair that's brushed back, irises red as blood, a scar residing in his right eye going down horizontally that stopped in the middle section of his cheeks, and skin that was tanned by the sun. It would be an understatement to just call him handsome. Even though he looks like a serious man, he continued to show a warm smile.
The last person that I gazed upon was the doctor with a white lab coat, and underneath she was wearing a light blue gown made of textile with black pants...
She had long, jet-black straight hair with glasses covering her narrow, blue eyes, and rose skin.
She showed a posture that was dignified, calculating her every move as if not to make the people in the room unpleasant, while also showing a subtle hidden agenda…
I tried to raise one of my arms.
After a moment of trying, I finally lifted it up in front of me. I saw that it was small and chubby with little fingers. Looking closely, I see a silver bracelet with a red gem around my wrist.
"Strange... My hands aren't supposed to be this small…"
I tried to raise my head. My head felt heavy as a stone, and I could barely shake it.
Any other limbs wouldn't listen to my command to move as I want either.
I tried to speak.
".... A bah!"
A high-pitch sound that couldn't replicate the words I wanted to convey was heard.
Despite this scenario being impossible to happen, it seems like I'm in the body of a baby…
Using the information about the background and fashion of the three people in the room, the current possible scenario that I can conclude at the moment is that I got transferred into a world that looks like the medieval Europe era.
I've read the concept of reincarnation in the books of Theology.
The concept is also widely used in the Novel industry with people from the modern world being reincarnated to another world with a new body.
A situation where the person can relive life in another body and do things they couldn't do in their past life.
A second chance is what they call it...
But in the body of a newborn. Well... this is new...