"I just wanted to talk. Discuss things, as I am confused. I don't think I can discuss this with anyone other than you." I was facing Lucas, and he was displaying the same aloofness. This only added fuel to my anger, and I stood on the ground. I am not going to back out.
One drunken night turned everything into a nightmare.
Lucas and I were childhood best friends. We practically did everything together, and one drunken night changed everything between us. Our worlds were turned upside down.
I still remember my 18th birthday.
Lucas's family is rich, and they are staying in a mansion. After getting permission from his parents, he hosted my birthday party at his mansion. He invited everyone too. We had a blast on that day, and we partied until 3 a.m.
After a few minutes, we dragged ourselves toward Lucas's room. We were laughing our hearts out while remembering some incidents that happened at the party.
After entering the room, we were still laughing. As seconds passed, our laughter dried, and silence engulfed the room. We were staring for no reason, and the 'heat' may be due to alcohol. I was more than tipsy, but I was still conscious, and he was too.
For some reason, I was not able to hold his gaze; his intense stare was making me feel so many things at a time, and I averted my eyes, trying to distract myself, and the next minute, he was in front of me like the wind.
I was stunned on the spot.
I have seen Lucas many times in close-ups. That never made me feel what I am feeling right now. His blue eyes stared right into me, making my heart jump even harder. We were of the same height, 5.10, but still I felt shorter in front of him. Was he muscular before? Why am I only noticing right now? My hands were so tempted to roam on his shaggy hair that I pressed myself from doing anything stupid. This is not good.
My heart was racing at this closeness. We were close friends; this was nothing, but it was different. This closeness was kind of suffocating, and there was a hint of something. I wanted to push him, but I couldn't. Our breath was getting heavy, and the next move from his side was unpredictable. I couldn't blame him alone because I reciprocated too.
The next morning, I felt pain everywhere, and the bed beside me was empty.
Was it a hit-and-run case? I couldn't help but question myself.
The previous night's memories started gushing in my mind, and everything was so overwhelming. Over a night, so much happened between us, and I am not angry but definitely shaken.
Was it a good thing or a bad?
What next? How would things be between us? How was he going to react? How am I supposed to behave with him? Whatever the scenario may be, I don't want to lose him from my life.
I want to talk to him.
The bathroom door opened, which gained my attention. Lucas came out, wiping his hair.
He knitted his brow when he saw me, still thinking why I was there. Maybe he thought I would have vanished by the time he finished his shower. How the hell am I supposed to do that when I am shaken thoroughly?
We stared at each other for a few seconds, and it was awkward. Over a night, everything changed, and it was too late to undo things.
By clearing his throat, Lucas spoke. "You should get going. The previous night's incident was a drunken mistake." I was in shock after hearing Lucas's words. Sure, everything happened while we were drunk; that doesn't mean we were not aware of what we were doing. I still remember every damn fucking thing; I bet he does too. "We need to talk. I, I can't..." I was cut off in mid-sentence. "Please get going. I don't want this to reach the third ear; it's a request." That came in a pretty harsh tone. I was staring at him, hoping he would change his mind, but his face was sterner and more static. I started searching for my clothes, and in no time, I was out of his room.
After reaching my home, I took a long shower, still processing everything and confused like hell. I need to talk to someone about everything. How can I process everything without discussing it? How can I ignore it like it was nothing? Why did I feel so good yesterday? I didn't stop him, and he was not in a position to hold himself back. It was not forceful, and I liked it.
What am I? I have not dated anyone till now to conclude anything. But yesterday's incident was a hint at my sexuality.
I came out of the shower and sat on the bed. I can't ignore anything and need answers. What is this between us? So many questions were flooding my mind, seeking answers, but I couldn't force Lucas, at least not for now. Maybe I should give him time. Like me, he is also confused and lost. I made up my mind to wait for him patiently.
I didn't predict this move from him. Lucas started avoiding me like the plague. He never accompanied me to college like before. He started giving lame excuses when our friends were asking him to join us because of me, for sure. He was making sure not to be present wherever I was. It hurts, but I let it slide. My number was blocked on his cell, and also my account on many social sites. This was too much in a few days, but I really didn't mind because I knew he needed this.
But still, blocking me everywhere was a bloody harsh step, and it hurt like anything.
He carried this attitude for two months straight. I took enough of his bullshit, and I need a full stop, not a pause, to my unrevealed thoughts. I made up my mind to meet him face-to-face.
I was in front of his mansion. By taking a long breath, I entered.
His dad, Mr. Jonathan, was pleased to see me and was surprised. He gestured for me to take a seat, and I obliged. "How are you, young man? It's been a few days." "Yes. I was busy with exams and sports events." "It's ok; you guys have a hectic life. I get it. What brought you over here?" "I wanted to meet Lucas." He was perplexed, and I did not get why. "What? You don't know that Lucas left the country for his higher studies. How come you are not aware you were his closest friend?" I was dumbfounded after hearing the news. So many questions hit me one after another: how, when, and most importantly, why? His dad was perplexed. I was trying my best to act normal, but this news came like a hurricane. His dad continued. "He threw a party for all of his friends before bidding goodbye."
It took a few seconds to digest everything while still in a daze. "Is everything okay between you two?" His dad's concerned voice. I sucked up the news somehow. I don't want to give him a hint of anything. "We fought over something, and he was angry with me. It's nothing, Uncle; never mind, I will contact him." By saying that, I left the mansion abruptly.
I came out of the mansion and started walking; I don't know where. After hours of walking, my legs started to give up, and I sat in the middle of the road without caring.
I was frustrated by letting things happen between us. I cursed myself for spoiling years of friendship. Just one thing ruined everything between us. I was boiling with anger over him for leaving me without discussing anything.
He was gone, leaving me hanging.
"Mr. Landon Murphy, come in, please." The voice of Ms. Veronica Wills, a psychiatrist, brought me back to the reality of where I was. She gestured for me to come in, and I followed her.
For the past few months, I have been taking therapy sessions, but nothing is working. Every session, she tried her best to convince me about my sexuality, but I have not accepted it till now. Once I was done with my therapy, my mind would always be in chaos.
After Lucas left the country, I was more clouded and lost. I wanted to discuss everything with someone, but I was not able to decide with whom. Family and friends are ruled out. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't bring myself to discuss it with either. So, psychiatry was my last option, and no one was aware of my therapy sessions, not even family or friends.
I am close with my friends, but I am not able to discuss with them for fear of bringing Lucas's name up, and the same goes with my family. I was the only child. They will be happy to help me, but Lucas's abrupt departure from the country and me bringing up my sexuality doesn't make it hard for them to guess 1 + 1 = 2. Lucas cautioned me not to reveal it to anyone, so I was left with no choice. My relationship with my friends has not changed, nor with any of my other male friends. On the other hand, I did not feel like dating any girls either.
Was it really a drunken mistake? It was not. I do remember every second of that night like it happened yesterday. Most importantly, I liked everything that happened.
Dr. Veronica is a good doctor and is trying to help me a lot, but nothing is working for me. She makes sense. I know that, but I am not convinced. I want to talk to him. I need to clear everything up with him. I want to pour everything in front of him. Is that too much to expect? He can't bail on me like this and block me everywhere.
My friends and family were worried and questioned what had happened between Lucas and me. My parents were shocked when they heard the news that Lucas had left the country without informing them or me. My parents were so close to him, and I was his best friend; this reaction was expected from them.
My friends were even more shocked when I didn't attend the party that was thrown by Lucas.
How the hell was I supposed to inform them that I didn't get any invitation? How the hell was I supposed to tell my parents that he didn't even inform me? Giving reasons and trying to divert the topic had become routine. They were not convinced and didn't push me to spill the beans.
I was stuck, and it's been four years.
I am a successful architect working for one of the most reputable companies. I love my job, as it keeps me busy, giving a pause to unwanted thoughts that have always wanted to find their way back to me.
Over the period, I stopped going to the therapy session; it was not going anywhere. I was not getting the result at the end of every session, so I left myself hanging.
In the group chat, one of my friends informed me that Lucas was back, and they were trying to throw a party. My friends were suggesting that I clear the air between us.
I love to do that, desperately waiting. Is he willing to do the same?
I was in my room, replying to them as "ok," and I kept my cell phone aside. I was feeling happy as I was anxiously waiting for this day. I was relieved that I could finally give a permanent break to every thought by discussing it with him.
I didn't want to attend the party, but my friends dragged me along. I want to meet him privately. I need a one-to-one conversation. We didn't contact each other for four years. He did his best to avoid me everywhere. I want to blame him, but I can't. He had good reason to do that, but still, that was quite a drastic step.
By making up my mind, I entered the pub. I took my seat and poured myself a drink. Lucas had not yet come, and I was a little bit nervous.
After 10 minutes, Lucas entered the room with a girl. I was a bit shocked. He greeted everyone, including me, and introduced the girl's name as Elisa and her as his girlfriend. Here I was stuck, and he had successfully moved on.
It's been an hour, and I can conclude that Elisa is a beautiful, charming girl. She suits him in every way. He liked this type of girl, as I knew him very well. We never talked; there was nothing to. My friends were signalling for me to make the first move, but I held back.
Elisa's friends had tagged along with her, so my friends were more than thrilled. I was observing everything while sipping my drink. His interaction with his girlfriend was a bit annoying, but again, who am I to complain?
I was waiting for an opportunity and praying for God to grant me one. I need closure, hopefully today at any cost.
My prayers were kind of answered when Lucas excused himself and made his way to the washroom. My friends practically pushed me to follow him like hell; I was going to miss this opportunity.
I was patiently waiting outside the washroom. He came out and was shocked to see me. He wanted to escape like before, but my posture was enough to indicate how persistent I was, which made him give up this time. By sighing, he gestured for me to follow.
He was annoyed and irritated. I get it, but things are left undone, and we can't let it stay that way forever. We were outside the pub, in a more secure place where no one could hear us.
He was facing the road; not even a second, he thought of facing me, and again, I got that.
"What?" Again, the same tone with attitude. Was I the only one in need of closure, not him? He had moved on. I get it, but what about that night? How can he forget and move on like it was nothing?
"I just wanted to talk. Discuss things, as I was confused. I don't think I can discuss this with anyone other than you." "What's there to discuss? It's a drunken mistake; that's it, nothing else." "It was fucking not. Don't feed bullshit to me." By gritting his teeth. He replied. "Well, suit yourself." "We need to discuss what happened. I am stuck." By facing me. "As you can see, I have moved on, and you can too." "Easy to say." "It's not that hard." "I am confused." "I am not. My mind is crystal clear about what I want, and I want Elisa in my life. Don't cause any complications; move on and get a life, okay?" "Without discussing," he sighed. "Oh god, why are you so stubborn? As I said, nothing to discuss; it was a one-time accident, as simple as that. Move on, will you? Don't complicate yourself, and for me, ok?" "But." "Listen, Landan, I am done with this conversation, ok? Move on; I am serious." By saying that, he stormed inside the pub, and I was glued to my spot, not able to process anything.
I took my time trying to distract myself. I couldn't stay for long because my friends might get worried, so I went inside. I took my place beside Arthur. He whispered and asked for everything sought out, for which I smiled, neither accepting nor denying that I, myself, was confused.
Lucas was beside his girlfriend, clinging to her even more. My other friend Alex, who is serving as a police officer, told us to drink alcohol within limits, as these days, drunken driving cases are increasing and leading to accidents. Everyone in the room started sharing their opinion regarding this issue. Lucas took this as a perfect opportunity, and he stated. "Anything could happen while we are drunk, and a few things will be out of her hands. We should not make a big deal out of it. But we should not violate the law. Anything could happen." While saying the last part, he was eyeing me. Was he reassuring himself or me? Three times in a row doesn't suffice as a drunken mistake. Dammit.
I tried my best to be as cheerful as I could the whole time. I don't want to be sappy and spoil the atmosphere. Finally, we bid goodbye after midnight.
After reaching home, I freshened up and was lying on the bed. I was rewinding the whole conversation. This should be a two-sided conversation. Where was my opinion on this matter? He said what he wanted to say, and that's the end. Even though I need closure, we need to discuss the issue, right? I am still confused like hell and stuck. I need to move on, too, but before that, I wanted to clear things up.
I didn't want to give up on anything without discussing it; I had made up my mind. I called Arthur and collected information about Lucas and where he was working. I still had Lucas's cell number, and my number was still on the block list.
Through Arthur, I came to know that Lucas came back due to his dad's health condition, and I didn't know that. He is practicing his medicine in one of the reputable hospitals, and considering his academic and family background, nothing was surprising. Lucas is a brilliant fellow, and without his family background, he could not have gotten where he is, for sure.
I was on a mission. The next couple of days, I tried my best to get a hold of him. I waited outside the hospital for hours, but at least once, he didn't bother to talk or spare a glance toward me. I even tried to get hold of him at his home, but he lashed out in every attempt. Everything was crushing me inside, and I was not sure what else to do. He was doing his best to make me give up.
I think it's time for me to give up.
One fine day, my manager called me to his cabin. After entering, he told me to take a seat. I waited for a few minutes, and my manager told me about my promotion cum transfer. I was expecting a promotion, but not a transfer. He gave me a knowing look and told me to think calmly and make a decision. He gave me friendly advice, saying that it was a good opportunity and other bullshit. By nodding my head, I exited his cabin.
I was in a daze. I didn't inform anyone, not even my parents. I wanted to think about this thoroughly. Being the only son of my parents will influence my decision, and I don't want anyone involved in this matter. I was getting transferred to another country. Was it a good thing or a bad thing? If I accept, I can escape from the things that are happening. I don't want to seek any more answers. In a new place, with new surroundings and distance, I can try to overcome the things that are crushing me inside.
This is a blessing in disguise.
A genuine smile appeared on my face after a long time. Before going to sleep, I had made up my mind and emailed my manager regarding the same.
The next day, my manager congratulated me on my promotion, and my colleagues did too. I was happy and looking forward to experiencing new things in my life.
On the same day, I disclosed to my parents about the promotion and transfer. Of course, they were not happy, but I made them understand how important it was and that I needed it. My parents had witnessed my gloomy state. They tried to discuss it with me, but they were not successful. I made them understand how much this meant to me, and finally, they agreed. I didn't inform any of my friends, and I don't know why. I want to throw them a party at the last moment. They will be shocked, but I am sure they will cope.
I was sitting in the airport, waiting for my plane to arrive. I feel relieved. I don't know why. I was not stressing over the past. I don't need answers anymore. It's like saying goodbye to everything.
Is this how Lucas felt when he left the country? He wouldn't come back if it weren't for his dad's condition.
Running away from a problem is a kind of solution rather than addressing and stressing over it. I am totally getting him.
This was the best decision of my life, and I was smiling.
It's been a few months in a new place, and so far, I like everything. My colleagues are awesome. They helped me a lot in my work and also showed me places. Soon, I felt at home; only my parents were missing. I would call them now and then to check on them. My friends are worried sick. It's my first time staying alone, and they are paranoid.
It's been three months, and something strange happened. I started dating. That too, a girl, and she is my colleague. I never thought I would be doing such a thing anytime soon, but here I am enjoying my dating life. Our few dates led us into bed, and I was a little hesitant. I had shared my past with Lilly, and her assurance was enough. I crossed that barrier too. Now, I can call myself 'Bi.'
A new place, indeed, brings new changes within us. After a few months, Lilly and I broke up on good terms. We didn't have a spark between us, and we are good friends now. No hard feelings. I started to spread my wings. I wanted to feel how it feels with guys, especially when dating and also in bed.
After a few hookups, it was good. That's all I could conclude, nothing more than that.
Nothing worked for the long term. I could endure anyone for two to three months, not more than that. Only with Lilly did I date for two months, and with a few, it only lasted days. I was not getting where I was going wrong in this dating thing. Most importantly, I am not able to forget my first time with Lucas. My first in everything. For obvious reasons, I hated everything that happened and changed part of my life.
It was the weekend, and I was practically dead on the bed. I was jolted awake when I heard banging on my door and a continuous doorbell sound. I was like, 'What the hell was happening?' It's barely a bloody morning. I need some sleep. I threw my blanket, and while fuming, I made my way to the door to check who the hell it was.
I was shocked when I opened the door. It was my friends, and the anger on my face was replaced by excitement in no time. I was so happy. In one go, everyone hugged me and made their way inside the flat.
I was stunned for a few seconds when I saw Lucas with the group. I didn't expect Lucas's presence with them. Am I daydreaming? I couldn't help but slightly pinch myself. We were staring at each other. After a few seconds, by brushing my shoulder harshly, he invited himself.
A jerk will always be a jerk.
My friends had a list of things to do. They started sharing the same, and I was strongly warned to fulfil the same. They were going to stay for seven days, and I had to apply for leave. The same day we spent in the flat drinking and partying. Mine and Lucas's eyes would clash, and I would always avert them. I don't want to deal with the memories anymore. It's left unclear, and I want to leave the matter that way. Sticking and trying to find answers is bothersome. Maybe a few things were meant to be this way, unresolved, for our own sake.
I was staying in a 2-bedroom flat, and my uninvited friends were 8. It was past midnight, and I was not getting how to fit in with them. They are bloody, my friends, and I'd better know how they make themselves at home by throwing me out of my own bed. Damn. For another few days, I should forget about my bed. The couch is my companion. Thank God, at least they didn't throw me on the floor.
The next day, we made a plan for what to cover and left the flat. There was some tension between Lucas and me; there was always tension after that particular incident, but this time it was different. I was not able to put a finger on the same thing, but it was different.
After the incident, we barely spoke; that was the same till now. We avoided each other, and it was the same. Still, some tension was brewing between us.
We went sightseeing. I did my best to cover most of the places. Trying the local food and drinks. In the evening, we end up in a pub.
After entering, we ordered drinks and took our places. We were chatting when Lilly popped up and introduced herself as my ex. I desperately wanted to skip that part because my friends were not aware of my dating life. I thought after a few minutes she would leave, but she ended up inviting her friends too. Like hell, my friends would complain, and they started having fun.
It was past midnight. After bidding goodbye to Lilly and her friends, we made our way to my flat. We were exhausted, and sleep took over.
The next day was usual. After covering a few places, my friends suddenly demanded to go to a gay club. I was shocked by their sudden request, and my eyes fell on Lucas for a few seconds, who looked unbothered by their request. I gave in and took them.
I met a few guys I had dated before, and strangely, none of my friends questioned anything. At least, they were not even curious. I was taken aback by their behavior. We enjoyed ourselves until we were tired and got back to the apartment in a drunken state.
Things came to an end as their leaves were finished.
Today, everyone is heading back. I was a little sad, but I couldn't complain, as I was the one who chose this path. My friends were at the door except Lucas, who was busy in the kitchen.
I hugged everyone one last time, and I bid goodbye to my friends.
After closing the door, I was in the hall where Lucas was sipping his coffee. I was irritated by watching him. Still, I don't know what the hell he was doing over here, and he is too comfortable in my flat. "Are you not heading back?" "I have a conference to attend." "And." "And I am going to stay over here till then." "This is my flat. You need to seek permission for the same." "Ok, can I stay?" "No, go and stay in a hotel." "What? Why? We are best friends." "Don't use that bloody card. Get the hell out of my flat right now." I was fuming for many reasons. I thought I had successfully forgotten everything, but deep down, I am still seeking answers.
This is pathetic. One is acting aloof, and the other is stuck.
"I am sorry." I was shocked when I heard those words. It's been like five or so years now. He is sorry for what?" I was scared and confused after that night. I was horrified when the scenes of that night flashed in my mind back-to-back. The first week, I locked myself in, and even I was mortified to see myself in the mirror. More than anything, facing you scared the hell out of me. I didn't want to discuss and conclude things."
I was digesting word by word. I knew this was something we both didn't foresee or, at least, expect. All of a sudden, that night, an incident hit like a volcano, and everything was disrupted. "Memories started haunting me." By saying that, he stood and started walking towards me. We were facing each other. "I didn't know what to do. I was feeling dread to face you, as stubborn as you are. I knew you wanted answers, and I didn't want to face reality. I knew how hard you tried to reach me just to talk. Your face was a reflection of that night's incident, and I wanted to forget it at any cost, including you."
I felt a pang in my heart. He chose not only to escape but also to forget me as if I never existed. What about our years of friendship? "It was not easy; nothing was. My dad's background and career—everything forced me to take such a drastic step. I needed it." I bet. No words were coming out, and my mind started gushing with memories that I had buried. "It was my first, and I intend to close it as if it never happened in my life. I wanted to erase that incident from my mind."
I felt this was too much, and I wanted him to stop this explanation. I don't want to hear any of this. I was feeling suffocated. "I started dating and indulged myself more in my studies. Probably because of that, I was partly successful in leaving behind everything, including memories. At least I thought so. I deceived myself by believing that I suppressed everything that was erupting, like lava. I strongly believed everything was just a drunken mistake until I returned. Your face was enough for the eruption of my thoughts, which I had concealed."
The gap was closed between us, and tears started flowing from our eyes. I wanted him to stop whatever he was spouting, but my throat felt dry. "I used all my willpower to stay strong and stick to my ground. Everything was normal like it used to be. Like I had planned and as my father wanted. Again, your constant approaches were a threat, and I did my best to avoid you. I was successful, and I made you give up. I should have been happy when you left in the name of a transfer. Only the two of us knew the exact reason why you left, as you never planned on leaving your parents. I did enjoy your absence for a few days. I relaxed when everything stopped. No more questions, no more digging, and no one-on-one discussion. Finally, you gave me what I had been craving. I found my solace in your disappearance."
Lucas placed his head on my chest, inhaling deeply. "After a few days, I started feeling so many things. Your absence pushed me into distress. The things I had buried started to find their meaning. I got to know how you felt about my disappearance. How much you had struggled alone. I got to know about your therapy, and I unleashed everything. Here, I am at your mercy. Please don't push me as I did to you. I beg you."
Tears were flowing leisurely. My five years of pain vanished just like that because of his confession or because of him, which I am not able to point out. Relief washed over me.
After the incident, we went through the same emotions but dealt with them differently. The one-to-one discussion or running—whatever the case—at last, we have bounced back.
He was inhaling me deeply, and I got to know he was sniffing my scent. "I had missed this. Your scent drove me crazy and made me go wild that night." I didn't except this blunt confession. I pushed him a little.
"I am not going to give in that easily. You showed me hell for more than five years." In return, he chuckles. "I don't want you to give in. I am going to win you over. I want my 'bottom' back."
What the hell? In no time, my anger reached the break-even point. Was that supposed to be a pickup point? "Fuck off." By pushing him harshly, I was making my way toward my room. He was tailing me by laughing his heart out. "Hey." He held my hand and pushed me toward him. We were too close. "If you are in my life, I don't mind being versatile for you anything." That sounds like a pickup point.
The next thing I knew, our lips were locked.
THE END.