Josh's so-called lair was little more than a hollowed-out corner of the Neitherlands, shelves patched together from warped wood and junk scavenged from who-knew-where. Kai stepped inside, gave the place a slow once-over, and frowned.
"Well… this looks dull," he muttered, unimpressed.
Josh, already slouching against a makeshift table, raised a finger. "You're welcome to whatever's here. Just… don't eat the carrots. Totally psychedelic. Circumstances in the Neitherlands are super weird."
Julia wrinkled her nose. "Psychedelic carrots. Yeah, that tracks."
Kai shot her a sidelong look. "Oh yeah, because the rest of this dull hellscape is just so normal." He drifted toward Margo, who was about to sink her teeth into an apple. With a sudden blur of movement, Kai snatched it from her hand.
"Ah, ah, ah," he said, voice carrying a mix of humor and steel. "I'll be the first to try that apple, thank you."
Margo rolled her eyes so hard it looked painful. "Oh, for fuck sakes you twat." She grabbed another apple defiantly, bit into it, and froze. Her eyes went wide.
"Holy shit. This tastes like—"
"Pizza," Kai finished, already chewing his own, a smirk tugging at his blood-warm lips.
Josh grinned. "Yeah. I know, right?"
Julia reached for one, half-skeptical, half-tempted, while Alice cut through the moment. "How long have you been down here?"
Josh shrugged. "Couple of weeks, been Camped out here, waiting to see if anyone else showed up."
Kai shook his head. "Yeah, that's not happening anytime soon."
Josh blinked. "What?"
Margo sighed. "Look, don't freak but back at Brakebills… nobody knows what happened to your class."
Eliot crossed his arms, eyes narrowing. "It's been two years, man."
"Two years?" Josh's face drained of color.
"Yup," Kai said. "Congrats, Rip Van Winkle." He smirked. "Time's an absolute bitch out here."
Josh swore under his breath. "Right, the whole time thing. Victoria warned me about that."
"Yeah, tell me about it." Kai scoffed, then quipped, "Some of us are still waiting for our vacation days to roll over."
That earned him a sharp look from Penny. "Wait, you know Victoria?"
Josh's tone softened with rare sincerity. "She's the only reason I'm alive, dude. She's a traveler."
Kai let out a dry laugh.
"Kai," Julia warned.
Margo cut in, impatient. "Are you going to tell us what the fuck happened to your class, or what?"
Josh rubbed the back of his neck. "We… went to Fillory. For spring break."
Quentin gawked. "You what? You went to Fillory for spring break?" He turned to Alice, disbelief lighting his face. "That's gotta be a dream come true."
Alice gave him a look as Penny groaned at the fanboy, rolling his eyes.
Josh went on, almost proudly. "Victoria's amazing. She figured out how to travel. Took me and the whole class, sixteen of us straight to the fairy-tale."
Kai folded his arms. "Yes yes she's so Amazing, she dragged the whole lot of you into mystical fairy La-La Land. So tell me was it all cracked up to be, or was it oversold like every other tourist trap?"
Josh hesitated, then sighed. "Yeah it was amazing that much was there… until it wasn't."
Julia leaned forward. "How'd you end up here, then, and not back in Fillory?"
Josh's jaw tightened. "We got roped into a quest. Only it wasn't a quest—it was a trap for Victoria."
Kai muttered, "Of course it was. Somebody didn't want a traveler screwing with their perfectly maintained Disneyland."
Josh nodded grimly. "Yeah. This guy, I've been calling him Mothra. Whole thing was a bloodbath. Victoria zapped me here before it got worse, told me to stay put. Said she'd be back."
"She was caught by the moth-man," Penny said after a while of silence. "But she's still alive. I'd know. I'm like her. It's why I'm here."
Josh's eyes widened. "Then we can rescue her! You can take us, right?"
Penny grimaced. "Not yet. I still haven't nailed the ride-along part."
"Okay, fine forget traveling. We'll take the fountain."
Alice frowned. "We don't know where that is."
Josh snapped his fingers north. "Easy, it's just three squares up, one square left. But the problem? All the battle-magic dick-buckets waiting to vaporize us."
Kai perked up. "Ohhh, so that's where it is."
Everyone stared at him.
He thought to himself, 'Hearing it in the show is one thing. Getting an actual direction? Whole different ballgame.'
"Well then," he said aloud, brushing his hands together. "Let's get moving."
Josh sputtered. "Uh, did you miss the part about being vaporized?"
Kai grinned, teeth sharp. "Not a problem. Trust me."
Julia smirked. Eliot chuckled. Even Margo's lips curved.
---
The patrol of Neitherlanders moved in a slow, sweeping circuit around the square leading to the fountain. Their hooded faces scanning the shadows.
"Hello there, ladies and gentlemen," a voice drawled out of nowhere.
They whipped around and prepared to fire their battle magic.
"No need to be so jumpy," Kai stepped into view, a small smile painted across his face. "I trust you're all in good health?" His tone dripped sarcasm as his eyes gleamed for a moment. "Actually, yeah you definitely look like you're all in good health."
And then he vanished in a blur of motion. The next thing they heard was a wet, tearing sound. One Neitherlander screamed as Kai reappeared, his arm buried in the man's chest before he could even fire his spell. Kai ripped free the heart and watched the man crumple down on the floor.
He looked at the heart and licked it before dropping it with a sickening slap onto the corpse.
"Well," Kai said coolly, licking his teeth, "I aim to change that."
He blurred again. The screams rose.
---
The others went around where Kai was doing well… whatever. They followed the sound of carnage, Quentin paling as the shrieks echoed. "That's… disturbing."
Josh's face twisted. "Reminds me of when Mothra killed my friends."
Julia's voice was firm. "He's not that monster."
They broke into the square just as Quentin pointed ahead. "There it is." The Fillory fountain with the twin ram heads staring down.
"Not so fast," a voice rang out. A woman appeared, palm glowing with battle magic.
Before she could fire, something appeared behind her and sank teeth into her neck. She screamed then choked, as Kai tore her throat open. He dropped her, blood dripping from his chin and what looked to be a fresh heart dangling in his hand before he tossed it aside.
'Shit,' Kai thought. 'I look like a beast, don't I?'
He braced himself for fear in their eyes. But instead Eliot, arched a brow, taking in Kai's blood-slick chin. "Well, darling, if you were going for 'rabid vampire chic', you nailed the runway look"
Margo looked at him and scrunched up her face, "urgh you've got heart juice on your chin. Very unsanitary"
Kai laughed, shaking his head at the two. "You both are impossible."
He licked the last of the blood away, smirked, and nodded at the fountain. "Right. Let's go in."
One by one, they leapt into the water, vanishing into Fillory.
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