After I grabbed a drink for her from the innkeeper's daughter, who kindly brought it to my door for a couple of coins, Poison chugged down the ale I'd given her, only to wince.
"Damn, that's basically water. I thought old school beer was better!"
"That's a common misconception," I said weakly. "Modern brewing techniques are good at raising alcohol content… what is this? Are you the real Poison?"
She grinned easily, finishing off her cheap beer. "Now that's the question, sweetie."
Poison leaned back in her seat, swinging one long leg over the other and tapping a pink nail against ruby red lips. "I ain't so sure. I remember everything from my life. But I think this thing you got tied to didn't pull me from my world. Feels more like it made me."
That was chilling to think. That somewhere, some unknown deity was making all the things I was pulling as easily as breathing.
"Which I suppose means you made me," she leaned forward, flashing a teasing smile. "Should I be calling you 'Daddy'?"
I shivered with a whole host of emotions. "Damn it. You're doing that on purpose."
"Little bit," she held up a finger and thumb with barely any distance between them while sticking out her tongue with a smile.
I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "So how much do you know?"
"Some of the basics, boss," she said with a shrug. "This is some kinda weird magicky land, but not like Disney, all dark and serious-like. You're the boss. And I follow you."
"Goddamnit, that feels so… mind controlly," I said, feeling very gross about it.
Poison shrugged. "Hey, I can leave if I want to. But where would I go?" She laughed, waving around. "You're the only one here who knows what a DVD player is."
Fair. Still, she was way too relaxed about all this. Was that the gacha thing affecting her mind, or her usual attitude? And how would I ever be able to tell the distance?
Rubbing my face, I sighed. Poison grabbed her ale and drank it again, wincing again at the weak beverage. Thank god I had the memories of a piece of shit like Petyr. It let me get some shitty ideas, then twist them into something good.
But god, his memories and plans were so… gross. The man had always planned to open or buy a brothel, and his ideas on how to run it were typical of the era.
Didn't take much to turn those ideas in the right direction.
"Okay. I can't send you home." I said sadly. "But I can work with you. I'll hire you full time. We'll call you my attendant or something. I'll pay you in full. And in return, you'll be my bodyguard, my sparring partner, and my confidant. If you ever find a way home, or find something you'd rather do, then you are free and clear."
I held out a hand. She shook it lazily, winking. "Sure thing, boss. Here's to not getting killed by ice zombies."
I nodded. Then I blinked.
Click!
[Accolade for your house: A fruitful meeting.]
A one notched step of good harvest appears before you. The step is yours to take…
"What's with that look on your face?" Poison asked, tipping the brim of her hat up.
"I got a roll… for not being a piece of shit boss?" I said, sighing. "I think I get rolls based on the morals of Westeros. So killing someone gets me a low level, and being a good person can get me a higher level one."
Poison laughed. "Ha! Sounds like my kind of place!"
"About that," I looked over her body. She winked at me, which I ignored. "We need to get you different clothes. You are way too hot for this place."
"You are just full of sweet nothings," she teased.
Yep. Time to go dress shopping. There goes some of my hard-earned cash…
"If Umfred asks, I hired you after seeing you kick through a wooden pole." I added, rising up and walking over to my saddle bags. I took out a shirt and a pair of pants I'd gotten to work out in. She'd get odd looks for wearing pants and a shirt, but not as odd as her current gear. "Here, wear this. Let's go clothes shopping."
"Words after my own heart," she teased, slipping on my clothes. Which were way too small for her Amazonian height and build, but now she was dressed in tight clothes rather than revealing.
Later, while shopping, Umfred was staring at Poison, his eyes wide. The pink haired woman was wearing her latest try on, a blue dress, while twirling happily and gushing with a very happy older woman.
I nudged his side. He coughed, glancing at me. "Ah, sorry, ser." Umfred glanced back at her. "You say you hired her full time?"
"She's apparently a dancer from a far off land," I said, shrugging. "She knows her numbers and will be useful to keep around. That's all you need to know."
Umfred nodded. "Yes, ser. Ain't exactly complaining."
I rolled my eyes. Yeah, she was going to be popular, for good or ill.
After buying two dresses that were somehow almost as expensive as a full suit of armor, she wore one out of the store, smiling as she handed me her old clothes to put away. Okay, they weren't that pricey, but dressing Poison in a way that wasn't quite as sexy while still being fancy enough for a man of my very low nobility to be seen around took some cash.
"Oh I do declare, I truly make these fancy duds look good," she said, putting on a very Southern belle accent. Yeah. Less sexy didn't stop her from being pretty enough to be drawing constant appreciative stares.
She was wearing a blue cotton dress with a belt, a low decolletage, and no sleeves, perfect for the heat in the air right now. Even in the 'modest' clothes, her muscular tone and large chest still made her look… well, like Poison, but now she didn't stand out as much.
More like a very classy lady than anything else.
"You look great. Now, come on," I led a gaping Umfred and smirking Poison through the streets, Morgan flying down to land on my shoulder. "Let's see what I would need to buy a boat."
Expensive, as it turned out. It would take a chunk of my profits to buy even a small one, and hiring a crew was even more of a pain. Still, I would be able to. I held off for now, but next visit, I would do both. With a ship, a few more options would open up for me in terms of not just travel, but also in how I could help people.
I bought a few things, fruits, vegetables, and some soil, in hopes of growing them. The peat bogs had some small farms, but nothing with any real use beyond feeding the families there. Winter was Coming, and I wanted to make sure they all had enough food to survive.
We left Gulltown after finishing our shopping. And after a day, while Umfred was asleep, Morgan and Poison watched me hit the next ticket.
[Collection of Coloured Herbs]
[Trash Farmable]
[Resident Evil]
A briefcase containing a large sample of various herbs. They are unhelpfully unlabeled, simply being called 'Green Herb', 'Red Herb', 'Blue Herb', and similar.
These herbs are exceptionally good medical items, especially when combined, and are rather simple to plant and raise. Provided they are planted in the right climate.
"Magical healing herbs. Trash tier. Seriously?" I mumbled, opening up the briefcase that appeared in my hands. Also, the metal briefcase was way out of place in a medieval era, holy shit. When I opened it, I gasped in horror.
"Oh come on, who arranged this!?" I started shifting the herbs into a more clean set up, getting them all in order.
"Does that really matter?" Poison asked curiously.
"Inventory management is essential, Poison." I said firmly. I then looked through the herbs. "Okay. Apparently these can grow in the right climate? In the world they're from, they are damn near magic in terms of healing. This could be huge! For so many reasons."
"So that's Common?" Poison asking, pulling a gold herb out and looking at it lazily. "Getting something labeled Trash or Common and having it actually be amazing?"
"I think it's because I'm here," I shrugged. "In more modern settings, the stuff I pull is kinda useful. Here, with a bit of thinking, I haven't gotten anything bad. The best ones have been you and Morgan."
Poison and Morgan fist bumped… somehow.
I put the briefcase away, thinking on how I would deal with it later. With the fruits and veg I bought, I had a good chance of making a small plot of farming land near the keep. I could sell the herbs for a huge price. Not to the point of bankruptcy, but until I could dependably grow them in large amounts, the price would match the immense usefulness of the product.
I swallowed. Now for the bad news. "So uh… how much do you know about how big Westeros is?"
Poison frowned. "Not much? Why?"
Click!
[Accolade for your house: I walked 500 miles]
A One notched step of Trinkets and baubles before you. The step is yours to take…
"THIS IS SO FUCKING BORING!" A very loud and boisterous voice echoed over the rolling hills of my land.
Poison's shout was joined by Umfred and I sharing a look, me smiling, him annoyed. She was standing in my wagon cart, arms stretched out to the sky.
"Caw!" Morgan flew past her, landing on my shoulder and letting out a crow laugh.
"God, my kingdom for a smart phone!" Poison shouted. "Why couldn't I have my smartphone!?"
"Smart… foone?" Umfred asked, confused.
"Ask me in three hundred years, Henny." Poison said, completely uncaring about how confusing she was being.
Umfred stared at me for answers.
"Dancers, man, they're weird." I said with a shrug.
"God, I want to go home," Poison grumbled, laying down in the cart and sighing. "Or just to get a tv. Or a motorcycle. Or-"
We spent the rest of the trip with Poison grumbling, Umfred confused, and me half-laughing.
When we did make it home, Umfred beat a hasty retreat into the Keep, while Morgan flew out to find her bird friends, leaving Poison and I to head out to the place I'd turned into a training area.
There were wooden blocks I'd hired one of the villagers to carve into enormous weights, hay wrapped into makeshift punching bags, a circular area to stretch, practice moves, and do bodyweight exercises, everything I could possibly make.
"Not bad," Poison unleashed a roundhouse kick on one of the punching logs. It snapped, the top flying off into the distance over a cliff near the training area, where it splashed into the ocean. "Kinda makeshift, but you're trying."
"I do my best." I said brightly. "So. Travelling five hundred miles got me a ticket. I think the gacha gods are making fun of me."
"Oooooh. Like the Proclaimers song!" Poison crossed her arms and nodded firmly.
"Is that who sang it?" I wondered. I then stood next to her and looked around. No one around us. "Okay. Get ready."
I hit the ticket. After a moment, the roll appeared. And on the floor appeared… a white box?
[SCP-458]
[SCP wiki]
[D Tier Novelty]
An indestructible pizza box that instantly generates the holder's favorite pizza whenever touched by human hands.
It can produce pizzas from any restaurant, recipe, or style imaginable, but is incapable of creating anything other than edible pizza.
"Oh hey, pizza!" Poison kneeled down and grabbed it, opening the box. "Hey, it's my favorite! From Ray's Pizza! The original one, not the other fifteen-... Peter? Boss? You okay?"
I swallowed and shook my head. "N-No. I can summon SCP's."
That was just… fuuuck. I knew, intellectually, that this strange random power I had was able to summon from dangerous universes. If I could summon a crow, why not a lion? If I could summon Dark Soul's weapons, why not Dark Soul's monsters? If I could get Poison, why not Akuma?
But still. Some universes were just next level horrifying. And despite its reputation, SCP wasn't even the most dangerous one.
Still. The tickets, the fucking gacha thing, they were my best chance of surviving. I had to use them. And hope for the best.
"You done?" Poison asked, idly eating her pepperoni pizza.
"Yeah. Kind of," I swallowed, sighing. "Okay. Mind training with me?"
She smirked. "You sure about that? I can be pretty rough with my toys?"
I shivered. Damn you, Stupid Sexy Poison. "Yeah. There's going to be some real dangerous shit coming. I need to be ready. Training is part of that."
"Sure!" Poison sighed sadly. "Too bad this pizza won't last forever."
I blinked. "Actually. Now that I think about it? That is going to be very useful. The box generates your favorite pizza every time you touch it."
"...This is the best day ever!" Poison crowed, staring at the magic box of pizza while I chuckled. Fuck yeah. Eternal pizza man!
"Okay, first, pepperoni." She took a savage bite, and gave me a smile. A very predatory smile, complete with a lick of the lips. "Then, the asskicking."
"...I need a safe word." I said wearily.
"Pepperoni is your safe word, boss. Now strip and stretch. We start in twenty."
Poison was the best summon I had gotten so far. Before that, it would have been Morgan, then the Black Knight set, then the martial arts I had in my head.
Poison eclipsed them all. She was a sparring and training partner who had experience teaching people already (mostly pro wrestlers, but that still counted) and she was someone who had fought tons of insanely powerful people. She was an expert in whip usage, enough to take my Belmont bloodline talent in their usage from 'natural' to 'master' if I kept training with her.
And most importantly, I could talkto her. I loved Morgan, but she was a good listener rather than sharing her own thoughts on things.
Poison, on the other hand, could joke with me. And since we were both modern folk, we could even talk about the same things. We didn't have a huge amount in common, but we could talk about music.
She was disappointed to find out pianos and guitars hadn't been invented, but I think she was working on it.
Mostly though, we talked about fighting. Making plans for how to fight the White Walkers, yes, but also anyone else who might be an issue. Poison wasn't a soldier, but she was a former gang member, and she had learned a few things.
So, for the next two months, Poison ran me through the gauntlet. We sparred, trained, worked out, and planned. And ate pizza sometimes. Not the healthiest of foods usually, but the pizza box could summon all variants, including high-protein and somewhat healthy variants for a growing martial artist/swordsman.
That was one thing that was missing from our training. I didn't have anyone to train me in real mastery of the sword.
One thing I wasn't expecting was for Poison to take an interest in two abilities I wasn't planning on using too often.
One Week Into Training
The small pebble on the ground wavered upwards into my hand as I carefully forced it to float towards me. When it landed in my palm, I sighed, looking at Poison.
She frowned, then sighed. "Well, I can't tell if that was faster than last time, but it is faster than when we first started. Barely."
I scowled. "Barely."
Inko Midoriya was cute, sweet, and trying her best. A chubby and warm momma who I loved dearly as a character. Her quirk, on the other hand, needed work. I had the ability to move things with my mind! Sort of. Barely.
It was an ability I had been gifted early on, but along with garlic blood, it was one I never really thought about. Poison, on learning about it, insisted I spend time working on it. Intellectually, I knew that quirks could be trained to be stronger, like a muscle. Emotionally, I kept forgetting I even had the ability.
Still, it would be stupid not to train an ability that could grow stronger.
"Hey," Poison smacked me in the back of my head with her riding crop, her short skirt swaying as she walked around to glare down at me. "Progress is progress. You can't expect to be pulling down spaceships from the sky after a week."
Fair point. Then I blinked. "Was that a Star Wars reference?"
"I am a lady of culture." She said smugly.
Once again, fair point.
"All right. Back to it." I focused on the pebble, dropped it on the ground, and waved my hand upwards. The pebble dragged upwards. I stuck the tip of my tongue out in concentration, pulling the pebble towards me. The ability felt… weird. Less like I was pulling the pebble actually, more like I was making my hand attractive to it?
That might be a confusing way to think of it. It wasn't like I had an invisible string attached to the pebble. More like… the pebble was the moon, and my hand was the Earth. I was bringing it into the gravitation of my hand and only my hand.
The pebble seemed to move a bit faster. Maybe that was my imagination, but I felt satisfied nonetheless.
"Heeeeey, not bad, boss!" Poison with a grin. Then she smacked me on the shoulder, lightly. "Okay, again!"
The next ability we needed to work on was, well, the actual magic one. Fireball.
"-up. Hey. Get up. You okay?"
"Uhnnn," I groaned, slowly opening my eyes. Poison was looking down at me, her police hat on. We had gone far out from the Keep or any watching eyes, and she had chosen to take advantage by wearing her trademark clothes rather than the collection of medieval dresses she had bought and modified.
"...ahhhh," I whined, feeling a deep exhaustion inside of me. "What happened?"
"Mana exhaustion, like you thought would happen." Poison shrugged. "Or that's my guess."
"God. I hate that," I groaned, closing my eyes tightly, then opening them again. "Feels like someone opened my chest, scooped out my organs, and replaced them with ice cubes."
"Hey, you're joking around!" She smacked my chest. "Sounds like you're feeling better. Now, get up. I want you to see how you did."
Following the orders of my employee/sensei, I sat up. Then I blinked.
The Fireball I'd launched had been aimed at a rocky section of land. I hadn't wanted to risk setting a damn peat bog on fire after all, no matter how wet. When I raised my hand and shouted 'Fireball', I felt something pour out of me with uncomfortable force, then launch in a burst of light and heat, followed by black out.
The rocky field I'd aimed at was charred. Grey stones were now gravel blacked by soot, and some of the fire had landed on some small plants. Around 20 feet of the rocky field was cratered, and the rest was blackened.
"Damn," Poison whistled. "I can do some small lightning tricks with ki, but nothing like that. If you didn't pass out that would have been hot as hell."
"Hot as hell. Fireball. I get it," I said, still stunned. "Guess that's the first real magic in centuries in this wor-"
Click!
[Accolade for your house: High magics]
A three notched step of skilled hands appears before you. The step is yours to take…
"Oh, hey, you have that look again!" Poison said cheerfully. "Get something good?"
I nodded vaguely. "It seems… Westeros considers using magic a huge deal. It's a gold."
It was the best ticket I'd ever gotten. So far I had gotten what I called 'bronze' and 'silver' ones. Never more than that. A gold was significant.
"Oooooo," Poison licked her lips, patting me on the back. "Well shit, hit it! If you summon a nuke at least we're far away from anyone important."
"Poison, nukes are never far from something important."
She laughed. "You know what I mean! Hit it!"
Sighing, but still smiling, I hit it, as she said.
After a bit, the roll landed.
[Kung Fu]
[D tier Skill]
You're a damn good apprentice in Kung Fu, knowing all of the basics and some of the intermediate level techniques. You might even be able to use your internal energies to enhance yourself with enough training.
"Oh… oooooh."
"What'd you get?" Poison asked eagerly.
I grinned at her. "I know Kung Fu."
"...show me," she returned. Then she followed by swinging a fist out at me, a quick jab that I blocked, rising to my feet.
"Wait, I'm still tired!" I screeched.
"You think a real enemy will let you rest!?" Poison said gleefully, spinning into a roundhouse kick that I barely ducked under. In a smooth move, she started throwing crescent kicks over and over, twirling like a whirling dervish to send me scrambling back. "Come on, boss, let's see those dancing moves!"
"Fuuuuck!" My cry echoed over the hills.
Bruises aside, I was making good progress in my training.
Umfred
As the lead manservant of the Baelish household, Umfred wasn't used to a large amount of change. While Petyr had been housed by the Tully's at Riverrun, all he had to do was take care of the Baelish keep, make sure everyone was fed, and the taxes were paid. All easy, if a bit of hard work.
Then Lord Baelish returned in disgrace. The little boy he once knew, a plucky and bright eyed, intelligent lad, had become brooding. Angry. Snapping at everyone around him.
And he didn't remember Umfred at all. That had been saddening. They hadn't been close, but it was still a small shame.
Umfred later learned what happened. Petyr, in a fit of childish rage, had challenged a trained and strong warrior to a duel for the hand of Catelyn Tully. And had lost easily. Umfred later saw the scar, while a maidservant was bringing him clothes, an ugly thing stretching from his collarbone down to his stomach, raw and healing.
It seemed that the scar had cut out any sort of kindness in the boy.
And then he woke up one morning and demanded hay, logs, and canvas bags. Things seemed to go sideways from that day.
Petyr became, once again, a different man. He trained every day, no longer satisfied simply to read and send out letters, but working his body. He remembered servant names, holding open doors and even helping with small chores, and spoke to his subjects like they were, well, people.
He also insisted on spelling his name differently. Peter, instead of 'Petyr'. That had thrown Umfred for a loop.
And then there was the strangeness. The items he seemed to receive from nowhere. The warhammers he claimed came from Braavos, despite Umfred never seeing any ships come near to drop them off. The black armor and black weapons he suddenly had appeared the same way. Peter claimed to have found them in the Keep, but Umfred had never figured out where. He just suddenly had the weapons.
One of them, a simple looking cane, had seemed ridiculous to be 'training' with, until Umfred tried to pick it up to clean, only to find it heavier than anything that size should ever be.
Peter also seemed to be filled with some strange new urgency. The training, the new attempts to gain money, the constant studying of maps. Like he knew something was coming.
Winter is Coming. Umfred had heard those words of course. The most prestigious houses in Westeros and their 'house words' were famous. Winter is Coming was always a foreboding one, to Umfred's mind. Not some grand proclamation or promise. Instead, it seemed like a warning. To enemies, yes, but to allies as well.
Peter said those words under his breath at times. Not the words of the house he had been raised in, but the ones of the house whose eldest son had nearly killed him.
In anyone else, it could have been some sign of Petyr holding some hate for Brandon, but he never seemed to care. Despite his words, Umfred could see the young man was always surprised when Brandon was brought up, almost as though he had forgotten him.
Despite all his strangeness, Peter was… better. Kinder. He worked to improve the lives of his subjects, spending money freely, building new trading routes, and listening closely when others spoke. He was even getting healthier. Larger, more filled out rather than a skinny child, more akin to a full grown man. Even his scar healed to become dangerous looking rather than ugly.
Things were better.
And then, one day, they headed out to Gulltown, coming back with a new person. Poison, she was called.
"Cause I can be toxic," she'd teased when Henry asked about her name. "But you know, poison can be medicine in the right dose. Want to test that, Henny?"
Henry felt like his face had lit on fire, he was so embarrassed. She was so brazen. Poison was incredibly beautiful, more than any woman Umfred had ever seen even in Gulltown.
They brought her back to the Keep. On that day, Umfred had went alone to the Keep, only to remember he had his lord's sword and shield, which he would need if he was going to train. On the way to the piece of land Peter had designated his 'training ground' carrying the insanely heavy sword and shield as best as he could, Umfred had wondered, for a moment, why Poison was joining Peter's training.
He arrived just in time to see Poison kick one of Peter's training dummy's. In time to see her kick a log as thick around as his waist in half and send it flying into the ocean dozens of feet away.
She hadn't even strained herself.
Umfred hastily left the shield and sword on the ground and ran away.
Peter Baelish had become strange, surrounded by strangeness. Umfred had stared at Poison and Peter for hours, no, for a week, looking for any sign of dark magic, praying to the Seven, to the Old Gods, to anyone who would listen, that his charge wasn't being seduced by some dark witch.
In the end, while Umfred now knew Poison was seductive, she didn't seem to be having any sort of unnatural effect on Peter. She was just unnaturally strong, and trained Peter to be the same.
Day after day, Umfred could see the effects of Peter's change. New foods available to the villagers and the Keep, building materials shipped in to repair the Keep, more pay. Life got better.
And blasphemously, Umfred thought… if Peter is possessed by some spirit, it must not be so bad