~Sirius~
[I often find myself wondering... why my life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.
But, as much as I can pretend not to know the answer... I do. And it stares at me every time I interact with someone. That looming fear... That fear that if I try to reach for what I want, that if I try and open up, if I try to connect with someone... It will blow up in my face.
How many times has that even happened to me? Hardly any. And that's the worst part. I'm scared of something that likely isn't real. And it chains me.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so... self aware? If that's even the right phrase... Maybe then I could just live with that fear... instead of knowing it's all make-believe. That I'm the root cause.
But alas, life is cruel, and forces me to recognize my failures...
...
I know that's a good thing, that I should learn and overcome those failures, but... It's hard. And after staying at the outpost all this time, it feels like I have even less of an excuse. Not that I had one in the first place, but still. Everyone was so kind to me... relied on me... They shared things with me, and they even got me to share things about myself...
Maybe I really am changing. Maybe, just maybe, I can afford to trust those around me... It's like Kynn said... "Embrace the connections you've made. Trust in the people you've met. Trust in others... and be honest with yourself. Maybe then, you'll find that thing you're looking for."
...
Maybe. ]
I close my journal and gaze out across the foggy sky.
Metal wheels drag across the snow, hauling with them this constrained carriage.
Torque (the manfi) trudges through the white landscape while Torque (the person) continues striking up conversation. He tells his story of crossing the border, and we (Aureole, Pholy, and I) tell him all that transpired there.
Korlin remains quiet. Which is... not something I blame him for. He messed up, horribly. Hundreds of lives were lost due to his actions. While I don't know his side fully, it's clear that guilt is shackling.
I don't want to call this trip awkward, but the vibe is quite different compared to our ride to the outpost. Exhaustion is one of those factors. While the bonfire helped settle everyone down, still just being in those walls was draining. Aureole seems the most affected.
She rests against Pholy's side and attempts to drift off to sleep. Unfortunately for her, however, the ride is a bit too bumpy for that. She at least looks warm, so that's good.
Torque seems to be a bit out of his element now that Korlin isn't hounding him. This uneasy feeling is weighing down on his ability to converse. What can I say to make him more... himself, I guess?
I could tell him about Gary and Nola's future business opportunity... Since he's a tour guide, I could ask him about the surroundings... But we have a whole day and a half trip back to the manor, so I should keep some of those in reserve.
"Hey, so uh..." A question comes to mind. "Why is it called Laurent Outpost? Is it named after someone?"
A grin emerges on the man's face. It's nice to see.
"I'm glad you asked!" Torque exclaims, ripping Aureole right out of her rest. "While little records remain, it is said that long ago, Alsi, the Goddess of Ice, waged war against the Goddess of Land, Orois." He dives straight into the deep end.
"Like... the goddess who made the mountains?"
"Yes! While it is unclear what caused the war, what is known is that Alsi, along with her people, attacked the land of Orois. And it is said that Laurent, who would become the first chief of the snowsquallers, was her right-hand man."
"Huh..."
"For some reason or another, what transpired back then garnered Laurent the nickname 'Alsi's Puppet.' But, it also gained him enough respect and power to become the first chief."
"...I don't remember there being a country called Orois on the maps I saw. Where is it?"
"Haha," Torque laughs as if I said something funny. I'm a tad confused. "Oh, you've seen it alright, just under a massive sheet of ice."
"A massive sheet of ice...? Wait, you don't mean... Aeonice?"
"That's the one!"
"So the entire country got placed under ice??"
"Not just the country, but the entire continent."
If that's true... that's insane. What kind of power do these gods hold? What would cause such a display of power...?
"Damn... I take it Alsi won the war, then?"
"You could say that," Torque chuckles.
The day continues to pass, and Torque regains some of his momentum. Our idle chatter brings us to the edge of the country.
Torque shows the guards his insignia, and they immediately allow him to pass through. As we cross the invisible threshold, the climate immediately shifts. The pressing cold disperses into a warm, neutral feeling on the skin. Everyone, save for Korlin and Pholy, takes off their coats and lets out a sigh of relief.
"I'm still not sure how that works," I comment. The whole concept of these barriers controlling climate doesn't make much sense to me. The one back in Auretta completely shut out the rain, while this one completely encases a country, holding in its cold and snow. Does it act as some sort of military defense, or is it strictly for weather control?
"Yeah," Torque replies. "I'm not quite sure either, to be honest, I'm not a big expert when it comes to blessings and magic."
"Oh?" Pholy starts. "Even the 'foremost tour guide through the Connicus Mountains' doesn't know of things along his route?"
"Hey now, I never said I was strictly a tour guide for these mountains. I go all over the continent, I'll have you know."
"See, now you're just showing off."
"Haha, you could join me if you want. I could teach you the ways of tour guiding."
"Ehh, I'll pass," Pholy slumps down. "I don't think I want to spend my life in a carriage. Besides, Aure can't live without me."
Aureole flicks Pholy's head in response.
The pair giggle as we continue our journey back to the manor.
⧗⧖⧗⧖⧗
I wake up before Torque can knock on my door. We spent the night in the same lodge as before, but I guess this time I'm the early riser.
I get changed and head down to the breakfast area, and find someone else is already up.
Korlin.
He sits silently at a table in the corner. He's staring out the window, looking at nothing but towering stone. The moon has fallen far below the valley, and the sun is still struggling to rise above.
I grab a small fruit and sit at the table beside him. I gaze out at the same sight as him, but I can't help but feel that he's seeing something different. I glance at his face, to find it on the verge of tears. His eyes are dangerously tired... he's forcing himself awake. Is his guilt refusing him sleep...?
"..."
"..."
....
"...Have you slept recently?"
...
...
A question with an obvious answer, but I feel he needs to hear it.
...
"..."
"..."
Our silence swallows the air of every breath drawn. Our eyes stuck on mountains, unable to see the dawn.
...
Once everyone wakes up, we load up the carriage and depart from the lodge. We ride through the Connicus Mountains, passing by Mt. Connet. Eventually, the indigo towers fall into rolling plains.
Aureole and Pholy lean on each other, sleeping the day away. Korlin faces the sprawling landscape, the sight seemingly gray.
I jot down words to remember in my journal, along with their descriptions. Along with writing down memories and learning Lunalir's language, I feel like I should also write down words from back on Earth. Alzir, for example, forgot what geology was. So, if I write down all the terms I can remember about things, I can explain things others might not be able to.
At least, in theory.
Some words I've written down include:
[Atoms, particles, neutrons, protons, electrons, cells, nuclear, radiation, cancer, Alzheimer's, dementia, sundowning, terminal lucidity, influenza, bacteria, fungus, genetics, genes, DNA, hepatitis, HIV, AIDS, STDs, measles, chicken pox, monkey pox, tuberculosis, plague, strep throat, pneumonia, cholera, stroke, Parkinson's, asthma, arthritis, allergies, amnesia, bipolar, depression, anxiety, dissociation, PTSD, neurological, nerves, schizophrenia, OCD, ADHD...]
The list goes on and on. For now, I've written lots of disease and disorder terms, just so that in case I encounter someone with one such, I can know what it is and how to interact with them. I'm still not fully sure on how this world treats mental... medical things, seeing as they have blessings to heal physical damages.
So, hopefully these are helpful in the future. Maybe. Ha... look at me, thinking ahead...
Familiar pastures roll by, guiding our trail back to the manor.
The sun shines high in the sky, bathing us with its warmth. After being in the cold for so long, this mild heat is honestly too hot. I think Aureole feels the same way, as she is slowly shifting away from a sleeping Pholy.
The day-and-a-half journey back is coming to a close. But, for some reason, a sudden wave of pressure falls over me. Once we're back, we'll have to leave for the Forest soon after. I'm not sure I'm ready for another venture quite yet.
But... I don't really have a choice, do I? I'm still on the clock.
That lazy side of me that shone on Earth is being forced deep down. And that's a good thing, I know, but still... I'm feeling the whiplash.
Maybe... that part of me will disappear. Maybe it will be lost along with these memories... And if it does... maybe I'll be able to make greater strides in my life.
...
No. I promised myself I would keep all of my memories. If I'm going to lose a part of myself, it needs to be through my hard work.
Though that's much easier said than done.
⧗⧖⧗⧖⧗
We arrive at the manor, and Torque drives us through the courtyard and up to the front door.
Seemingly hearing the carriage approach, someone causes the front doors to fly open. Out from within steps the one person who was left behind. A girl with deep purple hair and a cozy-looking sweater.
Hyacinth.
I understand it's not actually that warm here in Lunalir, but no one will be catching me wearing long sleeves for at least a week.
Upon seeing her friend, Aureole immediately stands up and jumps off the moving carriage.
"Cinth!" Aureole shouts as she runs toward the girl.
"You're back!" Hyacinth matches Aureole's energy. They both run toward each other with open arms.
I could be wrong, but I think this is the most animated I've ever seen Hyacinth. She's usually rather mellow, which I greatly respect, so this is quite the rarity.
The two girls embrace each other in a twirling hug. Their giggles lure Pholy out of her slumber and snap her back to reality.
"It's so good to see you!" Aureole squeezes her friend tightly. "It feels like it's been forever..."
"That must have been quite the trip..."
"Ha..." Aureole is exhausted just from thinking about it.
Torque parks the carriage, and Pholy climbs out to join the two. Hyacinth excitedly tells Pholy she took care of her plants while they were away. Pholy responds by giving the girl a tight hug. As their conversation goes on, I hop off and make my way to Torque.
"Thanks a lot, man," I start. "You were the greatest tour guide I've ever had."
"Aw," Torque chuckles. "You're too kind. You were just great company. If I'm being honest, I'm not always this chatty. Something about you guys just made me feel spirited."
"Hm... it was the money, wasn't it? How much did he pay you?"
"Aha..." he avoids eye contact. "You caught me. I can't just give a basic experience to such a high-paying customer. Gotta build good relations, no?"
He gets a chuckle out of me.
"Well, if there was Uber in this world, I'd be sure to give you five stars."
"I don't know what that is, but I appreciate it." He gives me a cheesy smile that quickly morphs into a more sincere one. "For real though, you guys were great. Thanks for putting up with me."
The back of the carriage shifts, and Korlin slides down off the side.
Torque turns toward the boy and manages to catch his gaze.
...
The two share a stare. While Korlin's eyes are full of regret, Torque's are filled with a comforting warmth.
"...Take care of yourself," Torque tells him.
"..."
Korlin's eyes twitch, and his gaze falls to the ground. He turns around a stumbles toward the manor.
...
"Watch over him, yeah?"
"...I'll... do what I can," I reply.
...We watch him, a broken shell, step through the front doors, disappearing behind the frame.
...
"Torque!" His name rings from Aureole's mouth as she comes toward us. Pholy and Hyacinth follow suit. "Thank you so much for everything!"
"The pleasure is all mine! Thank you for being such good company."
"Are you going to be helping us anytime again soon?"
"Ah, I was told I'm just a replacement for your designated driver. I doubt your lord wants a wanderer like me sticking around too long anyway. So while I doubt it will be anytime soon, I'm sure we'll meet again someday."
"I hope so," Aureole smiles.
Torque flashes a wide grin at her in return.
"See you around," Pholy nods.
"Mm, and hey, my offer still stands. If you ever want to be a tour gui-"
"I'll pass."
"Tsk- Well, be sure to tell any of your ember friends that I'm always open to having a heater with me for when it gets cold."
"I wouldn't get your hopes up, I'm not well acquainted with any of my kind."
"Shame, could've helped me cook meat on the road too..."
"Isn't it time you got going?"
"Yeah, yeah..." Torque chuckles. We each take all our luggage out of the carriage, and Torque nods in approval. "Well then, I wish you all the best of luck! And I'll make sure to support you during the election!"
As Torque motions his carriage along, we all collectively say our final goodbyes, apart from Hyacinth, who simply waves. It's strange, I've only known this man for a couple of days, but it feels like something bigger is leaving with him.
"Oh yeah!" Torque suddenly halts his departure. "Sirius! If you ever see my brother again, give him my regards!"
"Weren't you going to go see him?!"
"Ah, well... I guess I'm a bigger coward than I thought."
"..."
"Besides, there's someone else I need to go see first..."
Torque smiles his usual, warm smile. But somehow... it feels a little melancholic.
With that, the man waves goodbye and rides off into the endless pastures.
⧗⧖⧗⧖⧗
"Ahhh! I'm home!" Pholy yells as she falls onto the foyer's floor. "I can't wait to take a bath and sleep in my actual bed..." Her voice trails off into her fantasies.
"Hehe, do I need to carry you up to your room?" Aureole teases.
"Maybe later, first, I'm starving." Pholy rolls up onto her feet and stumbles toward the kitchen. "Wilph-! Ah shit, he's not here... Does anyone want ryge skins? I'll make some..."
"I'll take some!" Aureole replies, watching Pholy's back.
The ember waves as a sign of agreement and disappears around the corner.
"I'll go make sure she doesn't burn them too badly," Hyacinth smiles and heads off in pursuit.
"I heard that!" Pholy shouts from within the kitchen.
Aureole giggles, but before Hyacinth disappears too, she asks her a question.
"Hey, Cinth, while we were gone..." Aureole pauses and tilts her head. "Did you find anything?"
"..."
"..."
Hyacinth glances at me, then quickly retreats back to Aureole.
"I'll tell you later, okay?" She smiles kindly and waves goodbye. Rounding the corner, she leaves the two of us alone.
"...Okay..."
"..."
I'm not quite sure what to say in this situation.
"...So, how're you holding up?" she asks me suddenly.
Ignoring the complete tonal shift, I roll with it. "Hm? Oh, I'm alright. Just a bit tired, I think I might go sink into my bed sheets."
"Makes sense, you didn't sleep the whole ride back. I think I'll probably do the same after eating."
"Oh? Were you watching me the whole trip?" I tease.
"It's kind of hard not to when we're confined to such a little area. Besides, everyone can see you jotting away in your journal."
"I suppose that's true," I chuckle.
"What were you writing this time? More memories?" She tilts her head like a puppy. It's... pretty cute.
"Yeah, a couple, along with some other things..."
"You ever going to let me read them? I'm curious to know more about you." The innocence in her voice makes it hard to decline. But, I don't really feel comfortable with anyone reading it just yet.
"Maybe some other time. I should probably fix some of the handwriting."
"Hm... Always so secretive..."
"I could say the same to you," I joke back.
A small laugh escapes her.
"I suppose that's true..."
There's a strange glimmer in her eyes, a longing of sorts...
...
"AUREOLE!" The scream comes from the kitchen, accompanied by a loud bang.
"Oh geez..." she sighs. "I should probably get in there... Hey, Sirius..."
"Hm?"
"I'm glad you're here."
Her smile shines brighter than any sun, and her sound oozes with sincerity. But, for some reason or another, those familiar words sound far more hollow than before...
Why...
Aureole waves goodbye before jogging toward the cries.
"AUREOLE GET IN HERE QUICK! PHOLY SET THE COUNTER ON FIRE!"
"HOW?! IT'S A STONE COUNTER!" She disappears around the corner. "WHAT THE-?!"
...
I feel myself standing here awkwardly. I can't tell what type of face I'm making.
That look in her eyes before...
Those words... She's said them to me before, back in the capital...
They didn't sound like a lie, but they didn't sound truthful either...
...
I should... go to sleep...
⧗⧖⧗⧖⧗
Night inevitably falls, and though my body is tired, it awakens. Thank you, body, very cool.
Well, on the plus side, the mansion hasn't burned down, so I assume the kitchen situation is resolved.
I roll out of bed and slide my slippers on. I need to pee.
I step out into the moonlit hallway. The celestial body's glow pools in from the windows. All is quiet, as if I'm the only one awake in the whole world.
I head to my destination and finish my business. As I walk back, I hear a ruffling from the room next to mine.
Korlin's awake.
Still...? When's the last time he slept?
Should I... check on him?
...
Before I can answer my own question, my body subconsciously walks up to his door.
What am I doing??!
Korlin is racked with guilt and horribly depressed. He wouldn't want to see me. Especially not after our last conversation, if you could even call it one... I've essentially ignored him since the incident at the outpost. What right do I have to talk to him now?
...
I should leave...
...
I attempt to step away, but something inside me pulls me back.
-"I don't know what I want to do..."
"Then we can figure that out together too."
"Am I safe to be myself...?"
"You are. That's all anyone wants you to be."
...
...
That night on the hill...
He was there for me when I needed someone.
It's... my turn... to return the favor.
...
I take a deep breath and reluctantly reach my hand out to the door. Before I can convince myself to turn away, I push through.
knock knock knock
...
...
He's not responding.
...
I wait a little while longer. I can't hear anything on the other side.
...
I close my eyes and reach my hand back up to the door. But, before I can knock again...
The door opens partially.
...
Behind the door frame, Korlin stands with a somber expression. Not a shred of life resides in his eyes.
He still wears the same clothes, worn and dirty. Forget sleeping... when's the last time he's bathed? Those snowsqualler guards don't mess around. Though that's fair, considering what he did... Luckily, he doesn't stink.
"What is it?" he asks. His voice is horribly damaged... completely drained of life. He sounds so tired... how is he still holding on?
"...Can we... chat?"
He stares at me blankly.
"...Mm," he mumbles, walking away from the door.
I follow him inside. His room is a mess. Clothes and objects litter the floor. Everything apart from the bed is disturbed.
...That explains the noises.
Without saying a word, Korlin sits on the edge of his bed, facing a window shrouded by curtains. I trace his steps, avoiding the mess below me, and set down beside him.
...
It's dark. And terribly quiet.
"..."
I don't know what to say.
...
...
"...Are... you wondering why... I haven't slept?"
"...I have an idea as to why."
"...At first... I was scared. Scared... that if I fell asleep, I would wake up back home. Back on Earth..."
"..."
"I didn't want this dream to end..."
His voice breaks, dragging stray tears down with it.
"...And now?"
"Now, I can't close my eyes without seeing their bodies..."
"..."
"Their bodies crumbling into snow, the smell of blood, their faces..."
"..."
"I caused it... All of it..."
"..."
"Do you... see them too?"
"...No. I guess... I'm just... desensitized to it all."
Come to think of it... it's true. I saw near hundreds of bodies explode into dust before my eyes... And yet not a single part of me feels affected. Sure, I didn't cause the disaster, but an event of that caliber should at least startle me, no?
So then why... why don't I feel anything?
Can I really... call myself a human?
...
"...Good for you."
His mind is in the deepest depths they can reach. If I don't do something soon... he might do something rash.
But what am I supposed to say? Tell me it's not his fault? That would be a blatant lie, and he knows that. He needs some form of comfort, not to be pushed into denial.
"..."
"I killed people, Sirius..."
"Mm, you did."
"Heh," a pathetic attempt at a chuckle. "You're supposed to say it's not my fault..."
"We both know that'd be a lie."
"...I should be going to jail for life. Or be executed... I don't know why I'm not... I should be punished."
"...Probably."
"You're always so blunt... Why... why do you put up with me?"
"I could ask you the same question..." I need to... take his mind off of it, at least for a moment. I need to make him remember... what kind of person I know him to be. "But, I'd say it's because... you've been with me from the start. You stuck by me when you could have easily left on some grand adventure... Why did you do that?"
"..." For the first time, he looks me in my eyes. "...You reminded me of myself, I suppose."
"How so?"
"That's a secret..."
"Hm..." What's that supposed to mean? I almost want to laugh.
"...Are we friends, Sirius?"
"...I... don't know."
"That hurt more than I thought it would..."
"It's nothing against you. I just... don't know how to be friends with someone. I don't... care... about anyone, so I don't think I could call someone that. Even as all those people were dying... All I could think about doing was running... I didn't even stop to see if you had made it through the walls. If you hadn't told me too, I don't think I would've even stopped to warn anyone."
I really am fucked up, huh? Saying it out loud makes me realize how little of a person I really am.
"I guess I'll just have to work hard so that you can trust me then, huh?"
"...I'll try too. I... want to care about someone. I... want to be a better person."
...
...
"Sirius, am... I a good person?"
"..."
"..."
"I don't think I'm the best judge of character. Sorry."
Finally, Korlin's features soften.
"Then, do you think... I can be better?"
"Everyone can always be better... But, in your case... What you did was a horrible mistake. And you'll have to live with that regret for the rest of your life. I doubt there's a way of atonement... The best you can do is try to be a better person every day. It won't reverse what you've done, but it might prevent further mistakes."
"..." Something resembling a faint smile crosses his cheeks.
"Just... don't go expecting forgiveness."
"I wouldn't dare. This world... wasn't made for me."
Albeit in one of the harshest manners possible, I think he's finally realized... this isn't some story. Not some game or movie... but reality.
"Do you... still not want to wake up?"
He thinks about it for a moment. His movements, though only slightly, have a bit more life behind them.
"...Even though this turned out to be a nightmare... I still don't want to wake up."
"It's not a dream. Would a dream be this cruel? Only reality can do that..."
"...That's true." His expression softens once again, as if saying it aloud gave him insurmountable relief. Though that's probably not quite what it is.
"Do you... want to try and sleep?"
"...I'm not sure if I can."
"Hm..." How can I... Oh- Suddenly, I remember something from a long time ago... "Do you mind if I try something?"
"Go ahead."
I hop off the bed and shake out my arms. This is going to be embarrassing.
"Alright, don't laugh, but this is something I used to do back on Earth." I take a deep breath and throw on an even calmer voice. "Turn the lights off. Lie down. And close your eyes."
Korlin shifts and falls onto his back. After staring at the ceiling for a moment, he shuts his eyelids. "The lights are already off," he adds.
"Shut up," I joke back. "Anyway... be still. Take in the silence."
"..."
"Listen for your heartbeat."
"..."
"Do you hear it?"
"I do."
"There you go... You're still alive. You're still here. You made it through today, you've made it this far... You can make it through tomorrow."
"..."
"So settle. Put aside your worries and regrets, and drift off into rest. The night's darkness is temporary, and once you awake, dawn will welcome you."
"..."
"..."
"...Thank you, Sirius. I'm... still here."
...
Tears stream from his closed eyes and fall into his smile. Even if it's for a brief moment, I think he's found some peace.
I feel a smile of my own take form. I don't know what this feeling is, but I gladly welcome it.
I think we've both gotten something from this conversation. Something meaningful.
I sit with him a while longer... until his breath becomes steady.
He's fallen asleep.
Finally...
Good for him. I know this won't fix what he's thinking, but maybe it can be a first step. The guilt of killing hundreds won't disappear overnight. Likely not ever. But maybe he'll be able to live with it... a little bit easier.
...
Is... this... what it feels like? To care about someone?
...
I suppress the thought and quietly creep toward the exit. Before leaving, I grab a piece of paper and scribble down the words: take a bath.
I step through the door frame and glance once more at the boy who's been with me from the start. He rests peacefully, and considering the week he's had, he likely won't wake until dusk. Before closing the door, I leave him with a word I know he'll never hear.
"Goodnight..."
⧗⧖⧗⧖⧗
Moonlight floods through the manor's glass, crowding the halls in a soft blue glow.
I stand outside Korlin's room, unable to let the conversation go. Warmth pools into my head and holds me close. I think I really enjoyed that interaction.
Despite just putting someone to sleep, I feel an excess of energy pump through me. Seems I transferred my drowsiness to Korlin. Not that he was lacking any.
It's been a while since I've been back here at the mansion, it wouldn't hurt to wander around. So that's exactly what I do.
I take a stroll through the second floor and then head down the stairs to the first. I round a corner to one of the many long corridors with a mirror at their end. Towering windows allow me to gaze out at the world beyond. Its serenity begins to deplete me of my wakefulness.
As I approach the end of the hall, a certain figure makes its way down the stairs to the right of the mirror.
Someone I didn't expect to have returned yet.
Rawlin.
He notices me immediately and gives a quick wave. Though, considering he wears a blindfold, I'm not really sure how he knew I was down here. Can he just... sense people?
We continue to approach each other until our paths collide.
"Hm, you're up awfully late," he starts in his typical playful tone. "Have a nightmare? Need me to coddle you?"
"Ha... I'll pass," I match his energy. "When did you get here? I thought you'd take a day or two to come back?"
"I left around noon. You can make it quite far if you tell Cilas not to stop or slow down."
"Did you already report to the nobles?"
"Nah, I'll do that tomorrow. I wanted to crash in my own bed, you know?" He throws me a cheesy smile. Something's off about this whole interaction.
"Tell me about it..."
"...Is something on your mind? Your face is awfully distraught."
Huh? Is it?
"Eh... Not in particular..."
"Oh, come now, no need to hide anything from me, partner."
Still with the partner title, huh? I glance to where his hidden eyes should be. His brow ridge elevates, waiting for me to tell him something.
I might as well ask him... It's not like he'll leave me alone if I don't.
"Well... I suppose I have a question. Though I'm not sure you're the best person to ask it to."
"Hey now, I'll listen to anything you say. How long have we known each other?"
"Like... twenty-something days-"
"That's not important."
I sigh and ready myself. Words are always harder to say out loud.
"Do you... think I'm wrong... for not trusting people? For... not caring about others?"
These past few days have been nothing but a counter to these feelings of mine. Even Kynn and Quilo told me outright... I've just been lying to myself. All this time, have I really just been-
...
"Sirius."
"Hm-?"
The lord's face is suddenly distorted. It's suddenly very serious.
Did something I say piss him off? I know he's also a cautious person, but it can't be that sensitive of a topic, right?
"Did you really think after coming to this world... you'd have a second chance?"
...
"...What?"
"Where you could love, and be loved? Have a life where people would care about you... and you would care about them?"
"..."
"Your very existence is a sin, Witch Spawn."
.......
.......
Never have I ever heard him talk like this. Why is he being so hostile-? He even called me a Witch Spawn.
"..."
"No one in this world will ever give you a chance. If it weren't for me, you'd still be begging in the streets. If not dead."
...
"...What's your problem?"
"My problem is your naivete, Sirius," he leans in closer to me. "I told you, didn't I? You'd do well not to take people at face value. You never truly know who you can trust."
My brows furrow. Why's he suddenly so adamant about this? Is this some sort of test?
"And that includes you, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, me, and everyone you think you know." His declaration is heightened by his delivery. A cold, sinister tone, masked with an emotionless face.
"Why are you saying this? What are you trying to do? Push me away from everyone?"
"Hah... it's not like I'd have to try to do that. You're plenty good at that yourself."
"..."
"I'm telling you to know your place. You seem to be deluded by the idea that you're here to start over. That you're here for any other reason than to assist me."
"..."
"You died and were born a blank canvas. Do not allow others to paint over you."
"...And what if I want them to?'
"It doesn't matter. You can never truly know another person. Aureole, Pholy, Hyacinth, Korlin, Wilphrey, Cilas, me... can you truly say you know us? That you know a damned thing?"
...
"...I... know some things."
"Ha. The mind goes beyond the outside perspective you have of people. Do you really think you know how any of them feel about you? Do you know what any of them truly want?"
"I-"
"Hell, you don't even know why Aureole took you in."
...
"It was to assist you, no?"
"Ha, maybe on the surface. That fool of a girl could have picked any Witch Spawn off the street. But she chose you... Do you know why... she needs you?"
...
I've talked to her about this. Her and Pholy. They were... both being honest with me then. I should... try and believe in them.
"Even if I don't... she wouldn't try to hurt me."
A comical grin emerges on the lord's face.
"And who told you that?"
"..." I keep quiet. He's trying to pry something out of me.
Maintaining his expression, he sighs.
"You are a pawn, Sirius. And you always will be. To trust another in this world... is the gravest mistake you can make."
"..."
"Take that King Bora, for example..."
"...What about him?"
He was hesitant of me from the start... but chose not to act on his suspicions. And look where that got him and his people... Though," his demeanor mellows a bit. "I must say, when I planted that seed, I never expected the mother would get THAT strong."
...
...
...
...What?
...
I freeze in place.
All sound seems to shatter and fall silent.
Did he... just say what I think he said? I feel a frightened, betrayed expression on my face.
"What did you just say...?" My voice is shaky. I dread to even hear a response. "Were you the one... who made that monster?"
A bizarre expression sheds onto his skin. As if he's confused by my query.
"...Wasn't it obvious? I thought you, of all people, would have figured that out."
...
"What... do you have any idea how many people died?! How many of them were suffering?"
Rawlin sighs. Is he... annoyed?
"What's the problem, exactly? Don't tell me you actually care about any of their lives."
"...That's beside the point-" Something is stirring inside me. An emotion I leave dormant far too often. "You killed hundreds of people!"
"And so what?" He takes a step closer. "You think I'll be punished? I have deep-rooted connections with the nobles, and I just secured trade with Alsi again. Not to mention I have a future queen candidate under my wing..."
"..."
He bends down to my eye level.
"I am the law. I am invincible."
"Do you not feel anything? No remorse?"
"...I stopped feeling that long ago. My very existence in this world is considered a sin. What's one more to the list?"
...
...
I stare disjointedly into his sheathed eyes.
This man is... what's a word to even describe him... I shouldn't be talking to someone like this. What am I involved with-?
Wiping his expression clean, he stands upright. Has he always had... such a powerful presence?
He takes a step closer. I take one back.
"Sirius. What is it you desire?"
"..."
"..."
"...To find the witch... and... get her to keep my memories."
"Exactly. And would you not do anything to achieve that?"
"...I would, but-"
"Our aims align, Sirius. We both desire to find the witches. While our reasons may differ, we must forge upon the same path. And along that path, I must make Aureole queen." He suddenly grabs my chin and leans into my face. "And I don't care what I need to do to achieve that. I will step on and use anyone who gets in my way, even if it results in casualties."
"..."
"I can't allow morality to trample my dreams."
...
...
"...I thought your main goal was to make her queen. You make it sound like that's only secondary to finding the witch."
"...Hm."
The lord releases his grip and backs up a step.
"You are observant to the most worthless of things..." he mumbles. "Tell me, Sirius. What kind of person do you take me for?"
He asks that after everything he's told me here? This entire conversation has completely flipped my image of him... And now he questions my perception of him?
What kind of game is he playing at? Why the barrage of questions?
"I thought you were strange, I knew you were secretive, but I always took you for respectable."
"And now?"
"I understand that you will do anything for your desires. But the way I see it... You're insane."
"Hm." He almost seems impressed by my answer. "And what will you do now? Do you plan to tell everyone?"
"..."
"Who's to say... Aureole and the others might already know."
"...Like hell they do."
"And what makes you so sure? Your faulty trust in them?"
I feel myself wavering.
"...I don't know."
"Will you still join me in finding the witch?"
"..."
"Don't you want to keep your memories? I still clearly remember your pledge to me."
What if...
"...Can... I really even keep my memories? How am I supposed to trust you, and that the witch is even able to?"
...
"You don't have any other options, do you?"
"...No."
"That's right. If you want to hold onto those shreds of humanity, you'll have to follow me through hell."
...
After a long, stringing silence, the lord begins walking past me. My eyes fall to the carpeted floor, unsure of what to follow.
I hear his footsteps getting further away. The footsteps of a man far beyond saving.
But before he can disappear into the night, another question enters my thoughts.
"...Do you..." I begin. His footsteps stop abruptly. "Do you really want to kill the witch?"
...
...
"Who knows..."
...
Shredding the frigid silence, he resumes his departure..
Without another word, the blindfolded man falls further down the hall, eventually leaving me alone.
...
...
....
.....
............
...
My feet won't move.
What am I... supposed to do? What am I supposed to feel?
The uncertainties continue to stack and stack.
Was it all true? Was any of it?
...
Do the others know? Did I somehow help him in killing all those people? What do I do? Should I tell authorities? But he said it himself: he is the law. Was that a bluff? Surely not all of the nobles are corrupt, right? Is Rawlin really the whole mastermind? Was he assisted by someone? Were those nobles in on it? Was Cilas? Surely Aureole and the others weren't, right? Why... Why is this happening? For power? Why does he want to find the witch? From his response, it likely isn't to kill her... so then what? Why tell me all this? Why does Aureole need me? Who am I to these people? Can the witch really retain my memories? How am I supposed to know? No one knows. Or are they just not telling me? How deep does all of this go? Should I tell Korlin? Or would that make him just delve deeper into his depression? Should I tell Kynn, King Bora, and the others? I should, shouldn't I? Or have they figured it out already? I should probably write just in case. But I still can't write letters worth a damn. This language is harder to master than I thought. Wilphrey is gone for now, so I can't ask him for help right now. Would he even offer me help? Does he also know? Who all knows? Did Torque? Who... why am I doubting everyone? Stop it, me. I'm supposed to be trying to trust people. Rawlin is trying to stop me from doing that? Why? I don't know. But what of the slim chance he's being truthful? I can't ignore that possibility. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do...?
...
I unplant my feet and walk toward the end of the hall.
There hangs a mirror, reflecting my torn expression.
Pull yourself together... I'm supposed to be...
...
I need to reach the witch... Even if it is all a lie. I need to try and... keep my memories. I'll have to... trust... follow... his lead.
Rawlin was right about at least one thing... I don't have any other options.
...
I stare blankly into my own eyes. These lying, rebirthed eyes.
These thoughts, these doubts that plague me... All of them deprave me of the very essence making me human.
...
My thoughts, loud and unending, suddenly stop quiet. The entire world falls silent.
And what replaces that quiet... is the soft hum of static, crackling in my ears.
...
I can't trust anyone... can I... really call myself a human?
...
"I truly am a Witch Spawn."
20827968 seconds remain.
-End-