The moment I heard that name, I knew I had to do it. [The Book of Mormon] was undoubtedly the most outrageous yet funniest thing I had ever seen. I still remember watching it in London in the original timeline, having no clue what Mormonism was about, and laughing my ass off from the opening number to the encore. The creators had managed to explain the religion to the audience with absurd precision, wrapping facts in such absurdity that you couldn't help but laugh.
The funniest part was that the best jokes, the ones that made people burst out laughing, weren't even meant to mock anyone. They were facts, real things about the people, places, and beliefs the musical talked about. Be it the people of Uganda, the AIDS epidemic, missionaries sent abroad, or the blind faith of followers in general, everything had a sliver of truth hidden behind the humor.
Until today, I hadn't realized it was created by Matt Stone, Trey Parker, and Robert Lopez. Now it clicked where I knew the third name from. Robert would go on to earn an EGOT, writing unforgettable songs like "Let It Go" and "Remember Me" for Disney. One of the youngest to achieve it, if memory serves me right. Not the youngest in this timeline, though, for I had claimed that title long before he could even dream of it.
Everything sounded perfect except for one thing.
"You just want me to create another controversy by making fun of a religion," I joked, glancing from Matt to Trey. "Is this your way of getting back at me?"
Matt raised his hands in mock surrender. "No, not at all. At least hear us out first. Listen to the script and the songs we've written. There's nothing in there that isn't factually correct, so no one can even sue us. We're asking you because I saw an interview where you said you wanted to return to the theater, but no one was offering you the chance. Well, we are. And since we can't afford your usual movie rates, you can come on board as a producer. Share the profits with us as long as the musical stays in the theater."
I leaned back in my chair, thinking it through. The biggest question was simple: was it worth alienating nearly all of my Mormon fans by starring in this musical? After a few minutes of silent reflection, I decided it was. I couldn't reject a project just because a few people might be offended.
"Alright," I said finally, nodding. "Let's do it. Let's set aside a day for the narration. I have not taken up another project, so I'm free for a while. If I like the script, I'd love to be part of it."
"You will," Trey replied with an easy grin. "I guarantee it."
(Break)
Christopher Lee Declines Knighthood Weeks Before Investiture
By Rebecca Lawson, The Times
In a surprising turn of events, veteran actor Christopher Lee has declined the knighthood he was due to receive in the Queen's Birthday Honours list later this month.
The legendary screen star, best known for his iconic roles in [The Lord of the Rings], [Star Wars], and a long line of Hammer horror films, had been selected to receive the honour for his services to drama and charity. However, just weeks before the investiture ceremony at Buckingham Palace, Lee reportedly informed the Cabinet Office that he would not be accepting the title.
A spokesperson for the 87-year-old actor confirmed the decision on Saturday evening, describing it as "very difficult, yet inevitable."
"The recognition immensely touched Mr. Lee," the statement read. "However, after careful reflection, he has chosen not to proceed with the investiture. He holds the utmost respect for Her Majesty and the honour itself, but feels that, in the current scenario, the title has lost its meaning."
Sources close to the actor suggested that the decision stemmed partly from Lee's unease over how the Crown handled the ongoing controversy surrounding Prince Andrew and his alleged involvement in the Jeffrey Epstein case. The prince is accused of engaging in sexual activity with minors, and though a warrant for his arrest remains active in the United States, the Crown has thus far refused extradition.
The announcement has shocked the film community, where Lee is revered as one of Britain's most enduring and accomplished performers. Over a career spanning seven decades and more than 250 films, he earned numerous accolades, including a BAFTA Fellowship in 2008 and a CBE in 2001.
Buckingham Palace declined to comment on individual cases, stating only that "the honours system allows for nominees to reconsider their decision at any stage prior to investiture."
While Lee's name will remain on the official list of honours, it is understood that no title will be conferred.
Observers note that the timing of Lee's decision is highly unusual. Most individuals who decline such honours do so privately, well before the list is made public. For Lee to reject it now, so close to the ceremony, suggests a deliberate and public statement rather than a quiet withdrawal.
(Break)
Honours Row Deepens as Multiple Nominees Join Christopher Lee in Conditional Rejection
By Rebecca Lawson, The Times
What began as an unexpected decision by veteran actor Christopher Lee has now spiralled into a widening controversy surrounding this year's Queen's Birthday Honours.
Several newly named recipients are reportedly declining or deferring their awards, uniting behind a singular and unprecedented demand: that the Crown and government launch an independent investigation into Prince Andrew's alleged misconduct and reconsider his continued royal privileges.
According to multiple sources within the Cabinet Office, out of the 33 total honourees, at least 26, including prominent scientists, filmmakers, and philanthropists, have privately written to Whitehall expressing concern over the Duke of York's "unchecked influence" and alleged involvement in "unethical business associations."
While most letters have been sent confidentially, one recipient, who requested anonymity, confirmed the group's collective stance.
"We are not rejecting the honour out of disdain," they said. "We are rejecting the hypocrisy of celebrating integrity and service to the nation while turning a blind eye to the actions of those shielded by status. We will accept only when accountability applies equally, even to a prince."
The movement appears to have gathered quiet momentum in recent days, reportedly sparked by Christopher Lee's decision to withdraw from his investiture scheduled later this summer. Although Lee's official statement gave no explicit reason for his refusal, several insiders now believe his withdrawal served as the catalyst for a broader, coordinated appeal.
Buckingham Palace declined to comment directly, stating only that "honours are accepted or declined at the personal discretion of the recipient" and that "members of the Royal Family are held to the highest standards of propriety."
Behind closed doors, however, officials are said to be uneasy. The honours system, one of Britain's most enduring traditions, has seldom faced such overt moral dissent, particularly from those it seeks to celebrate.
Political reaction has been measured. A senior Downing Street source dismissed any link between the honours process and the royal household, calling it "an unnecessary conflation," while opposition MPs have urged "transparency and fairness" in addressing the allegations.
Public response, by contrast, has been swift and emphatic. Online forums and newspaper comment sections have filled with messages of support, with many lauding the honourees for "putting conscience above ceremony."
As the Palace works to contain the fallout, questions remain over whether more nominees will follow suit, and whether this growing act of defiance could mark the beginning of a reckoning within Britain's centuries-old honours tradition.
(Break)
I looked into the camera firmly for a few seconds before looking away and sighing.
"I'm sorry," I began softly, staring into the camera again. "I'm sorry to all my fans around the world, but most of all, my British followers for being one of the biggest hypocrites on the planet. Before you all get confused, let me go back a bit and give you a little background. As you all know, I was born in a poor household in London before being adopted by my parents."
I gained a faraway look, as if remembering just now what my childhood used to be. Perks of being a good actor.
"At that time, I didn't know a whole lot about the world, but once I literally ran into an older gentleman whom I didn't recognize. My biological mother made me apologize to him before telling me later that the man I ran into was a knight, a respected writer. The knight was dressed in brand new clothes, and he had this confidence around him that I wanted for myself.
"I thought that being a knight was the best achievement anyone could ever get, and that became my ultimate life goal. I opted to become an actor because I knew that that was one line of profession that is also awarded a knighthood. So when I was actually offered the honour earlier this year, I couldn't refuse. In hindsight, I should have, because it made me come off as a greedy asshole who went against his principles to accept that award.
"Let me assure you all, there was nothing shady about this honour. I was not asked to do anything in return for it, and I still wholeheartedly believe that Prince Andrew should answer for his crimes.
"I salute my seniors, starting with Christopher Lee, who showed me that some forms of wisdom come only with age. In solidarity with my fellow nominees, I give up this honour as well, and I won't accept it until Prince Andrew is held accountable.
"I am fully aware that the Monarchy is different from the government, and that these honours are mostly political, but it is our politicians who are shielding Prince Andrew, so I will stand by my decision, despite knowing that I may have to face some backlash for it."
(Break)
"How the fuck did everything go so wrong so fast!?" Sir Gus O'Donnell, the Head of the Civil Service, barked at no one in particular.
"None of them had a problem receiving the honour just two weeks ago," he went on furiously, his hand slicing through the air, "and now most of them have declined. Only those who work for the government haven't."
He turned sharply toward his secretary. "Did you find out why they all bowed out at the last moment as they did, Diane?"
Diane, a composed woman in her late thirties, didn't so much as flinch under his glare. Her tone was measured, her expression unreadable.
"Yeah," she said bluntly. "Officially, they all grew a conscience together and decided to reject the honour. Unofficially, each of the honourees was visited by someone, with either blackmail material or a bribe, to make them withdraw. In most cases, both."
"Bribery is a crime," Gus hissed. "We can arrest this man."
"Men," Diane corrected calmly. "Each honouree was approached by a different person, but their pitch was identical. They'd start by asking them to reject the honour. When they refused, they'd show them blackmail material. Then, as a sweetener, they offered a payment of 100,000 pounds. For those without any skeletons to expose, they threatened to ruin their reputation publicly once everyone else had declined."
Gus frowned, his jaw tightening as he processed it all. The idea was almost too large to comprehend. The coordination, the timing, the sheer resources required to execute something on this scale, none of it could have been done by an ordinary person. Unless…
His gaze drifted toward the list of names spread out across the table. One stood out above the rest: Troy Armitage, twenty years old, one of the richest people in the world, and the most vocal critic of Jeffrey Epstein. While Troy had never publicly named Prince Andrew until this week, he was the only person on the list with the money, influence, and global reach to orchestrate something like this.
"There's one thing I don't understand, though," Diane said thoughtfully, breaking his silence. "How the hell did they find blackmail material on so many people in such a short time? Sure, we prepared the list of honourees months ago, but only a handful of people had access to the final names. And it's not like these honourees would just leave their dirty secrets lying around for anyone to find easily."
Gus pressed his fingers to his forehead, exhaling slowly. The tension in his shoulders refused to ease. As much as he hated to admit it, the only logical explanation was that this was an inside job. It could be anyone: someone from his department, the Prime Minister's Office, or even Buckingham Palace itself.
He was 90% sure Troy Armitage was involved somehow, but without evidence, he couldn't touch him. And if he tried to dig deeper, if he even hinted at investigating who inside the system might have helped, the inquiry would be shut down before it began. People in power didn't like their private lives examined.
"Fuck," he muttered under his breath, slamming the folder shut. "Fine. I'll include all our findings in the report and be done with it."
"There's one more thing, sir," Diane added, almost as an afterthought. "This activist group also left a message with the honourees. They said that until Prince Andrew answers for his crimes, this same thing will happen every six months. All future honourees would also be dissuaded from accepting their knighthood. You should include that in the report too, so they understand what they're dealing with."
Gus could only sigh, the weight of it all settling on him like a lead blanket. His job had just become infinitely harder. There was, in truth, a simple solution to all of this: arrest Prince Andrew, but he knew it was easier said than done.
(Break)
#HonoursRow: Trending Now
@RoyalBitch: Holy fucking shit! I didn't see that coming at all. Who would've thought Saruman would have the balls to take on the government? Hats off to the man for doing the right thing even at 87. I sure as hell couldn't have done it. #HonoursRow
@Scottie621: He may be famous for playing villains, but no one can deny he's got balls of steel. I knew Christopher Lee was my favorite actor for a reason. My respect for him just went through the roof. #HonoursRow
@TimP_Manchester: What baffles me most is Troy's decision to reject the honour. He had the chance to become the youngest actor ever knighted at 20, and the youngest male knight in recent history, yet he gave it up to stand for what he believes in. Massive respect. #HonoursRow
@SimpestGuy: Troy Armitage is a fraud. Everyone knows he took a bribe for that honour, and when people called him out, he suddenly "found his conscience." If no one had exposed him, he'd still be accepting it like nothing happened. #HonoursRow
@LunaBliss: You're an idiot, @SimpestGuy. Of course he was tempted, who wouldn't be? It's a knighthood! I know he was late, but he did the right thing in the end, and that's all that matters. By giving it up, he knew that he'd make enemies in both the monarchy and the government, which takes real courage. #HonoursRow
@NovaKnight: As much as I admire TA as an actor and singer, I can't deny he messed up at first. He should've declined from the beginning. Still, I'm glad Sir Christopher inspired him to do the right thing. Imagine if they made a film together, instant classic. #HonoursRow
@FireStarter12: I live for this kind of chaos. It's like watching a perfectly written political drama unfold in real life. Major respect to the 27 honourees brave enough to resist the government's pressure. Ordinary people like us can't do much before elections, so it's good to see celebrities carrying that fight. #HonoursRow
@VickyW76: I'd watch a movie about this whole mess in a heartbeat. This mass rejection of knighthoods feels like the kind of historical moment people will still talk about decades from now. #HonoursRow
@RoyalBitch: What I don't get is the nerve of those 6 people who are still accepting the honour. We should publicly shame them until they reject it too. #HonoursRow
@TinFoilHatExpert: Excellent idea. Give me a bit of time and I'll dig up who the 6 are, along with everything there is to know about them. #HonoursRow
@Scottie621: I've got a feeling those 6 won't stay quiet for long…
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AN: Check out my second story, 'Swimmer to Superstar (A Hollywood SI)', which is now publicly available.
Link: www(dot)fablefic(dot)com