Stunned, I pulled myself up and shakily stood up as well. I reclasped my bra and pulled down my shirt shakily, and crossed my arms, trying to calm down my overstimulated body. I wanted so badly to reach out and say don't stop, keep going, keep touching me, but this was not the time for that; I needed to sort this out with Chris properly…at least, that's what I kept telling myself.
"First, you told me not to go, and now you're basically manhandling me; what is up with you today? I feel like you are giving me really mixed messages. You've always been there for me; you've been one of the best friends I've ever had, so I don't know why you keep wanting to throw away or even deny that you were ever my friend! What do you think you're getting out of all of this by rejecting our friendship?" I asked, the weight of her confession suddenly weight heavily on my consciousness, making me feel horny, confused and frustrated.
"I don't get anything out of it, Sarah, because at the end of the day, I can't keep you for myself! Being your friend means that I have to be ok with you walking out that door anytime. Being your friend means I have to support your romantic relationships with other people.
That's why I'm rejecting it; I don't think I can bear to see you go anymore, Sarah. Time and time again, you've casually walked in and out of my life, and I let you do it because you wanted things platonic. In university, you switched dorm partners so often that it was as if six months were too much for you. I always let you crash in my room despite how costly it was to pay for two rooms because, at the heart of it, I was always looking forward to the days you'd waltz through those dorm room doors and ask for your old spot back," Chris blurted out, a low guttural growl of annoyance left her lips as she ran her hand frustratedly though her hair.
Chris walked away for a moment, and then she turned around, striding right up to me and grabbing me by the biceps, making me jump; unable to move away.
"Even after graduating, don't you remember when we first started working? You crashed at my place when I was still living near the university because my place was closer to your workplace. I kept myself in check then, too, because of this friendship we had, Sarah" Chris said earnestly, her eyes looking into mine, seeking understanding. All I could do was look up at her wide-eyed, unable to say anything, for fear of pissing her off further.
Chris sighed and rested her head on my shoulder again, causing me to tense up and look away, refusing to welcome anymore of her advances, even though I knew how easily she could overpower me and take what she wanted.
"Sarah, I can't do it anymore. I can't pretend to be your friend anymore," Chris said her nails digging into me painfully as she tightened her grip.
"You asked me to be honest, so I won't lie to you. If you move on again like you always do, this time, please don't tell me. The day you go, just go and block me everywhere. You're going to have to go no contact this time to get away from me because I don't think I can stop myself anymore," Chris said, releasing my shoulders only to cup my chin and turn my face to look up at her.
"Listen to me. I will stalk you. I will find you, and I will drag you right back into my arms. I want you in my life, permanently. Kids are not the only thing I think of having with you these days. I think of even worse things, like marriage, life issuance, and Lord forbid, a house with a mortgage," Chris said softly but firmly, listing out things that I hadn't even thought of with any of the people I had ever dated.
I pushed Chris off and backed up, suddenly fearful for my life, or what little of it I had, seeing as Chris still technically controlled my body due to this stupid contract that I wrote up myself.
"Chris, this is too much, I don't think" I started but Chris wouldn't let up, reaching out and grasping me by the waist, pulling me in right to her, chest to chest.
Chris cupped the back of my head, turning me to look up at her, refusing to give me an ounce of space, her desire to control me palpable. I could tell her fear of losing me was stronger than anything I could imagine.
Chris sighed, a warm smile spreading across her face as if she was trying to ease the tension and reassure me that she wasn't as unhinged as she was letting on,
"I know, Sarah, you don't have to explain anything. That's why I'm waiting. I'm waiting for you to catch up. While you're out there, looking for yourself, trying to figure out what love is, what desire is, I'll be right here, always, waiting for you. Sarah, I'm so far gone; even if you decided to date someone right now, other than me, I'd still wait for you. I'd punch them if I see them, but I want you, but I wouldn't ask you not to date them, but I'm not going anywhere, because no matter what you think, I want you to fall for me, as deeply as I've fallen for you," Chris said, her eyes half-moons and she held me close, her hand in my hair moving to cup my cheek, her thumb drawing lazy circles against my skin.
I blinked. I felt like a huge, heavy secret that had been suspended between us for years was starting to unravel. Did she just say what I think she said…
"Chris…" I started.
"What?" Chris replied, her hand leaving my cheek to capture one of my wrists, bringing it up to her lips and kissing it as if, at that moment, her only thought was to make out with my limbs.
"You said, 'I've fallen for you'," I repeated.
"Mmhhmm," Chris replied, threading my unwilling fingers with hers.
"Which means..you love me", I continued.
"Yes. Sarah," Chris said and looked down at me, our eyes locking "that means I love you" she confirmed, a soft smile spreading across her features.
"Oh. Shit." I said, covering my mouth with my free hand. Shit, shit, shit, that was the wrong reaction.
Chris froze. Her expression darkening. With a heavy sigh, released me and rubbed her forehead.
"Sorry, look, don't worry about it. You don't have to say it, and you don't have to apologise; I already know you don't love me. That's why I said that I won't have sex with you until you do. But at least now you know why I made that rule," Shris said, averting her eyes, "If we were to have sex…." Chris said and looked at me, her expression firm but soft " I think it would truly break me if, after that, you were to have sex with someone else".
The silence stretched between us. So that meant…the end. If we were to have sex, that would be the end of everything. No more dating, no more causal relationships. No other people, for all eternity? Could I really live like that? Just Chris and me…forever?
"Oh, so I guess…I mean, I didn't intend to get into a serious relationship, you know that. I wanted…an…experience…" I struggled to explain, feeling my heart pounding in my chest. Truth be told, the raw, honest weight of her affection for me was just too much for me to bear, and I didn't know what to do with myself, because of it.
"And this is so sudden…what should I do…now?" I asked, running my hands through my hair.
"You know what, now that this is all out in the open, I can't be the one who teaches you about sex anymore. And when you want to start a relationship with someone, the way you always do, I think…I think you should move out," Chris curtly said, turning around and walking towards the door.
"But you just said! You just said you love me," I called out, running after her but stopping as I reached the door of her room. I could see her grabbing her keys and her coat from the living room table.
"Don't worry; clearly, you living somewhere else doesn't seem to have any effect on my love for you. I just don't think I can pretend like I won't do something truly evil to your partner if you choose someone else other than me. For their sake, you should move out if you started dating someone else," Chris said, looking at me once before shrugging on her coat and walking off to the front door.
As I stood there in shock, I heard the front door open and then slam shut. I let myself sink to my knees in the silence, finally starting to take it all in.
Chris was in love with me…and I….was not.