"You can be so naughty sometimes... I suppose that's why you're so funny!" Sylvie chirped.
My wife was happily talking to a guy. I should've said something, but to be truthful, all I could do was stare in silence. Because the man talking to my wife at the moment wasn't just some ordinary guy. No, no, no... This man was very unique indeed.
He wasn't a supermodel, or a tough delinquent bad boy, or a dark yakuza neighbour, or a 185cm chaebol Mafia leader, or some random faceless black guy straight out of Africa, or any of the usual culprits for an NTR story. If there was one word to describe our guest... No, If there was one letter. If there was one emoji. It'll be...
🤓
Thick glasses adorned his face, resting on a Mario-like nose. He was shorter than Sylvie. Shorter than me. The man was uglier, flabbier, older. Where I was bald-ing, he was just bald. His hair had gone passport bro many moons ago, and now his head was a shiny Japanese cue ball. He had bushy eyebrows, narrow shoulders, wide hips, a flat chest and pudgy stick-out belly, but long arms and stubby legs. He wore a short-sleeved white button-up shirt with a red bow-tie, suspenders and brown khaki shorts. He was leant in my doorway and had a wry smirk on his face as he listened to Sylvie.
From the moment I laid eyes on this person, I had an urge I never felt before, as a wholly average high schooler who was either ambivalent or briefly on the receiving end of bullying. For the first time, I had the urge to bully him.
"What the fuck?" I murmured to myself. I didn't mean anything by it, I was just so genuinely confused. Ho-? Wha-? What the actual fuck is this guy...? I thought these guys weren't real, like, they were just memes or caricatures. How? Just... Just how?
Evidently, Sylvie heard my murmuring. She gasped.
"Eek! Oh, Hifumi, sweetheart, I didn't realise you were here!" She laughs, looking over her shoulder at me. I didn't look at Sylvie for long, because I was now making direct eye contact with the man she was talking to.
Big, black, buggy eyes behind stupid looking glasses. The smirk that was once on his face suddenly vanished... He set his lips into an impassive line and adjusted his red bow tie.
She smiled at me.
"Have you met my friend yet?"
Neither of us said a word. It was an absurd scene, with an American supermodel wedged between two short ugly Asian guys having a staring contest. Sylvie awkwardly carried on the conversation for me.
"Well, Hifumi... This is Chihiro. He's our new neighbour. He moved in a few days ago. You must have only met him now, since you're always so busy at work. Say hi!" She nudges me insistently.
I looked at him, warily. I blinked... And I came to my senses, along with a pang of guilt. I shouldn't judge a person so severely based off of their looks. This was my neighbour, after all. I don't want to have bad relations with my neighbours. Plus, though he may look very... Eccentric... Maybe he's actually a nice guy.
"Oh, uh. Well, nice to meet you, Chihiro."
I smiled and offered my hand for him to shake. It was a token of peace. You should never judge a book by its cover. this NTR world, I need all the allies I could get. In that moment, the negativity was washed away from my heart, replaced with acceptance for a fellow man. You should never judge a book by its cover, and my good morality shone from my face like sunbeams. I beamed with pure intent and solidarity.
"I hope we can be friends." I said with a smile.
Chihiro pushed up his glasses, wrinkled his nose like he smelt something bad.
"Erm, actually, address me as Mr. Hinata."
He spoke in a high pitched, nerdy, nasally tone. He looked down at my hand, and he grimaced.
"By the way, I'm germaphohic, so put that away."
....
...
...
There are some people in life who deserve to be bullied. I realise that truth now. There are some people in life who just... Need to be pushed around. Who need to be dunked in the toilet or shoved in a locker. Or else, you'll have Mr Hinata at your doorstep. My god. How the fuck did this man go unbullied?
Sylvie laughs awkwardly.
"Now, now, boys. Play nice."
"I don't play nice, I play smart."
Mr Hinata quipped as he leant against the doorframe. He had really long arms but a fat belly, he looked like a hairless orangutan. This creepy fucking nerd was just weirdly proportioned and it made me genuinely angry. He was so nerdy that he no longer seemed like a human but more like a separate podbellied species. Like a Hinatoid, I suddenly thought.
"So, what are you doing here? "
I found my voice. His expression soured, as if he didn't want to hear or look at me.
"I am only discussing important business that concerns your automobile. At 17:55 yesterday, you parked your automobile exactly ten centimetres too far onto the pavement outside my domicile. That is unacceptable, you must remove your automobile immediately."
"But my car's there." I pointed to the Lamborghini in my driveway. Mr. Hinata snickered.
"Hek, Hek, Hek! You have more than one car, or did you forget?"
I was struck, again, directly in the face, by how horrifically nerdy Mr Hinata was. Was this what Mondo saw when he looked at me? Was this what Mondo had to deal with when I was around? Am I looking through his eyes for the first time in my life, where he's surrounded by Mr. Hinata's wherever he goes? Does he hear that 'Hek Hek Hek' when I speak?
This guy wasn't real, he had to be some weird satire or prank persona or some hallucination induced by the stress of living in a world as an ugly short fat balding guy.
I didn't respond. I even couldn't quip back, because there are some people who are so goofy, so absurd, that they leave you unable to speak and awestruck, like when people stand in the presence of the Emperor of Mankind. Mr Hinata was one of those people.
Sylvie filled in for me with an apologetic coo.
"I'm so sorry, we'll remove the car straight away!"
"It best be removed by 12:00 today, or else I shall be forced to contact the authorities on this matter." He adjusts his stupid glasses and looks at my wife. Suddenly, he becomes warmer, the smirk returns. "By the way, Sylvie, you look beautiful today!"
"Thank you!"
Mr Hinata smiles, baring ugly teeth.
"Truly, I wish I could have a wife as pretty and wonderful as you are, m'lady."
Sylvie giggled, clasping a hand on her mouth.
"Oh, you're such a charmer, Chihiro!"
I looked between Sylvie and Mr Hinata in disbelief. The cogs churned in my head, as if in slow motion. Was this nerd... No way. Was this actual caricature, this cartoon character trying to-?! Was he coming onto her?!
WHAT THE FUCK?!