They say, a good luck disclaimer is a must.... so here it is.
Naruto in all its glory is kishimoto's child.
I'm just here to spoil 'em.
######
Instead of calling for a nationwide emergency and evacuation…
Here I am — a Genin — being sent to capture the Ichibi.
Instead of Kage-level ninja with top-of-the-line equipment and sealing gear…
Here I am, with depleted supplies and nothing but the clothes on my back for armor.
Instead of fighting alongside shinobi I can trust with my life…
I'm leaping through enemy terrain with a bunch of kids I've never even seen before.
They better make us Jounin after this shit.
The three of us walk out through the gaping hole in the wall, just as ordered.
Chōjūrō in front.
Me in the middle.
Kankurō at the rear.
We cross over the rubble in silence.
I glance back.
Kakashi is clenching his fist.
For a second, he wears that hopeless expression…
Then he slips right back into his poker face and gives me that closed-eye thumbs-up smile.
Man... I love that smile.
Almost makes me forget I might die on this one.
I nod in response.
And off we go.
Didn't bother looking at Naruto.
I can already hear him shouting at Hokage-sama.
Geez. Give the old man a break, will you?
Sending kids to their deaths isn't exactly easy — especially not at that age.
---
### The Least Coordinated Task Force in Shinobi History
As anticlimactic as it may be...
We actually sat down to figure out who's going to lead.
"I should take charge as the neutral party," Chōjūrō says, adjusting his glasses.
"Yes, of course — after Gaara makes paste out of you, we'll definitely regroup and file a clean report," Kankurō smirks.
I sigh.
"Hey! Uchiha—" Kankurō snaps, stepping in my face. "Stop acting like a douchebag and tell us where he is. You're a sensor type, right?"
God... I'm too tired to deal with this kind of ego.
"You shouldn't talk to allies like that," Chōjūrō says, putting a hand on his shoulder.
And that... my brother... was a mistake.
Kankurō flips him over the shoulder and slams him into the ground.
Bewildered, Chōjūrō barely blinks before a kunai comes down toward his face—
Only for my arm to lock Kankurō's elbow just before it hits.
He glares at me.
Yep. That's Gaara's brother alright. Killing's second nature to him.
I like it.
So I let go.
His anger fades a little.
"You're the leader. You decide who you need... and who you don't," I say calmly.
Kankurō stays silent for a moment, letting the words sink in.
"What are you good for, shithead?" he growls, tugging Chōjūrō's collar.
"I can wield this," a voice comes from behind him—
The kid on the ground vanishes into mist.
Yep. I figured Chōjūrō was using a clone.
A massive sword with two handles presses gently against Kankurō's neck.
His war paint makes it look like he's grinning...
But oh, he is pissed.
"Or do you want me to prove it, Kankurō-san?" Chōjūrō says, voice trembling.
Ooooh. He's scared of fighting. Noted.
"That one's a puppet. Don't bother," I wave lazily.
Kankurō peeks out from behind a tree and pulls the puppet clone to his side.
Geez. Everyone's a walking cliché.
I suck on my finger and raise it to the air.
Dry... too dry.
Did Gaara pass through here?
"What the hell are you doing?" Kankurō asks.
"Secret sensor technique. You wouldn't understand," I shrug.
"Huh?"
"Maybe he's checking moisture levels?" Chōjūrō offers. "It rained earlier, but now it's suddenly dry."
Kankurō scoffs.
I tune out the argument and focus on the wind.
It's erratic.
There's no birdsong.
Not good.
I point toward a direction.
"What?"
"Maybe he senses something?" Chōjūrō translates again.
Naruto always did that for me.
No... maybe he was just loud enough that people noticed him instead of me.
"Kankurō-san," I say.
"You got something to say?"
"We're entrusting our lives to you. In return, you entrust your brother's life to us. Sound fair?"
He grabs my collar.
"That sounds fucking great. Just know — if something goes south, I'll snuff out your little arrogant ass before you even realize it."
Okay... abusive one.
"I have razors in my collar. You'll lose a few fingers."
He jerks his hand back.
"Fucking weirdo," he mutters.
Says the guy who rides his puppet like a sack of potatoes.
This guy doesn't know how to bully. I overestimated him.
I keep sniffing the air.
Tune out Chōjūrō's protests. Focus on ambient sounds.
No scent.
It's getting dark.
"Should we keep searching or set up camp?" Chōjūrō asks the important question.
"No shit! If the barrier drops, we fail! Remember?" Kankurō's feeling the pressure.
Both his siblings are out of commission. I get it.
"Or we die if we're exhausted," Chōjūrō counters.
"Or… Gaara has a way to escape without triggering the barrier," I offer.
"Che! No way," Kankurō scoffs.
"It's not Gaara we're tracking," I murmur, kneeling to touch the soil.
"It's the Ichibi. A thousand-year-old beast. Him finding a loophole shouldn't be surprising."
Kakashi would've said something like that.
Thousand jutsu... always using Chidori and mud wall.
Cause those are the jutsus he used a gazzilian times.
Not to mention Orochimaru might be involved.
Not to mention.... the said 3rd party.
How many "not to mentions" should I mention?
Kankurō stays eerily quiet.
"My guess is... the transformation has a time limit?" I ask.
Again, silence.
Geez. I'm saving you the disgrace if you'd just cooperate.
Even though, yes — these are basically national security questions.
Oh well.
"We set up camp for now," Kankurō says at last.
Our mighty leader speaks.
I bow like a butler and flick my fingers.
A mud-and-wood veil drops, revealing the Uchiha crest carved into the tree behind us.
"What the—?" Kankurō furrows his brows as a door forms in the trunk.
"Ooooh! A safehouse!" Chōjūrō beams.
"Gentlemen... I am Sasuke Uchiha. As long as I'm in this team…"
click
"You'll be having the most luxurious mission ever."
Inside: beds, instruments, seals — clean and dry.
Kankurō walks in without a word.
Chōjūrō's already poking around.
"You... built this?" Kankurō finally asks.
"Not at all. I just gave it a glow-up," I flick on more lights.
The room is round, warm, tiled in black — no sterile Konoha aesthetic.
"It... feels..." Kankurō murmurs.
"Familiar?" I wipe dust from the wall to reveal a Hidden Sand seal.
"This was made by an infamous spy from your village."
"The Third War?" Chōjūrō asks.
"Nope," I hand him a coffee shake.
"The Second," Kankurō mutters.
"Bingo."
I pull down a curtain to reveal a massive, detailed map of the forest — accurate down to the puddles.
"Pre-war map?" Chōjūrō squints.
"Who said anything about pre-war?"
"It's not?"
"Well… it was made by Chiyo Sasaki. But I've been updating it for a while now."
"You mean... Lady Chiyo, the One-Man Army who took Konoha hostage during Tobirama's campaign?" Chōjūrō stares, milkshake mustache and all.
"Yep. She set up camp here while the Leaf took the desert."
"That's how the alliance came to be," Kankurō murmurs.
I toss them a couple bags of kunai and pre-tagged seals.
"None of us really know what went down. Mist and Sand were told bits and pieces. Konoha Genin? Totally in the dark."
I yawn and collapse into a bunk bed.
"Since Chōjūrō-san drank coffee, first watch is yours."
"It's still evening," Kankurō says flatly.
"Yeah, but I'm dead tired."
"You're sleeping while the Kage wait?" Chōjūrō adjusts his glasses.
"I'm no use to the team if I'm exhausted. Kankurō-san, do you mind?"
"Do whatever you want," he mutters. "Mind if I look around?"
"Make yourselves at home," I wave, already halfway asleep.