I stood frozen on the spot.
Finally, this is it. The end of the era between us, the end of everything that was there for the sake of our future. I should go with the flow like the first time as a boyfriend and for the second time as fuck mates. I excel at adapting when situations begin to deteriorate.
When my eyes fell on Ralph for the first time, his relationship with Asher didn't hold me back. I dared, and I was after him, stalking. Nothing stopped me from pursuing him. Like a predator, I waited for the perfect opportunity, and as I saw one, I grabbed it at that instant. Ralph was mine. I prided myself as the opponent was bloody Asher; I couldn't help myself. I beamed with happiness. The duration was short; I knew in the back of my mind this would be the result. I fucking knew from the beginning, and that was a bloody red flag in any relationship. Ironically, only I assumed and predicted the duration of our relationship; on the other hand, Ralph tried his best to give his best in the relationship, to move on from his past with Asher, and, like a perfect boyfriend, Ralph poured more into the relationship to work out something with me.
It was difficult for Ralph, and it became more difficult when Asher started showing up and messing things up.
In the past, when we were together, I kept a foot in the relationship, trying my best to work this, giving everything, pouring my soul, and I also made sure to keep a foot outside just in case. Back in mind, Asher's name would be popping up, indicating the coming disaster. Disaster was not like it was bound to happen, at least it was not on the border; however, I invited it, and the result was inevitable.
When I was with Ralph, I should have tried without holding back. I should have ignored Asher's existence completely for my own sanity, but I let him, and he ruined everything. After the disaster, at least I should have been friends with Ralph, but a big 'no' came from my ego.
I declared my love and claimed Ralph proudly, but I lacked dedication in the relationship. It was enough to ruin a relationship, and things were easy for Asher.
My upbringing, my background, and my low-class life always made sure that I held myself back. My dad's greeting on the deathbed and my mom's misery and continuous struggle to fulfill the financial needs always pushed me to think everything twice, thrice, and I couldn't help myself when Asher started threatening my poor life. His status would crush my daring ability, my willpower, my happiness, and my status, and he made sure to hit the target, which was our relationship.
When I started stepping toward the set of goals, once again, Ralph barged in by offering sex. My pants are always loose when it comes to him, and my dick immediately twitched by just the thought, and oh boy, did I waste any second before nodding my head eagerly.
My second mistake: sex with an ex is not the best combination for the obvious result of falling, and I fell damn soon, like he didn't break my heart in the first place. I know, I know, I am equally responsible for the first time we broke up, but I couldn't stop myself from pointing my finger at him. Trust me, there is some satisfaction.
Asher came back, and Ralph crawled back just like the first time. I didn't stop Ralph, and I know exactly why: in fear of falling.
Ralph is my first love, my first in everything, my first wet dream, my first possessiveness over a person, my first inspiration, my first daring, my first carving, and my first yearning. I tried things with Ralph once, and once again, without having any title for our relationship, I still ended up getting hurt. This is it. That's why I am afraid to choose him. There was an ounce of relief within me when I was in the upper hand, and that sounded perfectly pathetic.
I can't just stop blaming Ralph, and again, he is not damn innocent; this bastard always knowingly crawls back to that asshole. So, please don't blame me for pointing my finger, which is always toward Ralph. I rubbed my forehead. Something is wrong with me. I am not only thinking about myself but also making sure I am in the upper hand to calm my inner demons when a broken man stood in the middle of the hall. I am thinking and evaluating myself when my sole concentration should be on Ralph or our future, if there is any.
I turned toward Ralph, who stood in the middle of the hall facing the door, completely mute, with a blank face, watching nothing. He is utterly broken, and I am shaken. Ralph always makes sure to give a dramatic pause after any serious issue. I don't know why, but I think it has something to do with my muteness. Like always, I don't know what to say to him. Consoling words to a broken man would bring no effect. "It's going to be ok" sounds like bullshit, and "I am there" is touching, and without wasting a second, Ralph may burst into laughter hearing those words. I exhaled heavily.
A few more seconds of my muteness—that's all it will take to give a full stop to everything forever. A few more seconds of my cowardice were enough so we could walk in the opposite direction. A few more seconds with my mind battle, and finally, as usual, I could join my running marathon. A few more seconds debating the pros and cons, settling everything if there is balance left, and permanently moving on. A few more seconds, and everything would be stopped without a scratch for either of us.
Only a few steps toward the door to end this. In only a few steps, everything will be ended forever between us. In only a few steps, he will reach the door, and when it's closed, this time it will be closed permanently, no dramatic pause or anything. Only a few steps, goodbye to my pathetic existence. Ralph's few steps conclude things between us forever. A few steps toward the door is not only his final goodbye, but he would make sure never to turn back. Once the door is closed in my face, my life is finished.
Things were clear, and still, I couldn't open my mouth or make up my mind.
What is the exact problem between us? Is it Ralph or me?
Why the hell am I like this? I know he is the one; I want him in every fiber of my body, but still, I am hesitating to choose him. Why am I complicating things when they are crystal clear?
Whatever we had between us is on the verge. He is not giving me any option, and he is ending everything, finally giving damn peace. Ending things once and for all is damn good, at least tempting, only if I make up my bloody mind. I act fucking neutral. I know what I want, but still, I have to go through so much of a mental battle to choose the one I want. It should be damn simple: either 'yes, I want Ralph in my life' or 'no,' and move on. Things are that simple; it is to me. I am afraid to say yes because of Ralph's weakness, and I am too cowardly to say no because he is my weakness, and if we speak of moving on, I try, but the result is that he ends up becoming the only person that I have dated sincerely. I gritted my teeth in irritation.
Ralph is done with bullshit, which is for good, by the way; his contribution is more to the given bullshit. I can't help it; I need to drag this bastard into everything. Let him exit the door, don't stop him, some part of me was screaming, but I know very well I would lock both of us inside this damn apartment; I would not let him step out of this place. I'd better not regret this decision, or I swear I don't know what I am going to do.
I need to make up my mind to choose Ralph, and for that, I need assurance. I don't know how I am going to seek that from Ralph. I should get over my cowardice, and once again, I don't know how, but Ralph plays a crucial role. No more marathons once again, if I am assured. Why the hell will I run from things, right? I have to give my 100% in everything with Ralph. I can try that, but don't blame me if I put myself first to avoid any future misery that I need to go through. This is important; 'I' should be replaced with 'Ours' or 'Ralph,' and I don't know how the hell I am going to do that. From the beginning to the end, it's filled with me, my misery, my pain, my pathetic background, my struggles, my pride, my achievements, and my life. This whole thing sounds damn hard, but I think it's not as hard as the sound of the door closing that I am going to hear in any second.
I loosen my tie even more when it was already loose. I feel suffocated and fearful as I see Ralph. Nothing matters more while facing him; at the same time, I can't give in blindly. He is the one that I yearn for in my life, but I would not go after him with blankness. I want him, and I need to make sure we are on the same page. I need to step in without holding back and remove all the demons that would always dance at my misery, and there's no turning back.
"Ralph." He was startled as he was in a daze. For sure, like me, he was having his own battle. I am pretty much sure I have been wiped out, and I hope, including Asher. Ralph stood in the same spot, eyes glued to the door. "We should stop this once and for all." I exhaled slowly. "We can't keep on connecting and disconnecting, it's bloody life, not a device." My gaze flickers, but I still hold my eyes on Ralph's side face. "I don't want to be your rebound anymore." My eyes cast down a little when I remember how happy I felt when Ralph chose me when he first broke up with Asher. I knew I was rebound as he didn't take a long break and jumped into a relationship with me. If I keep on digging, something or another thing keeps on coming, damit.
"We need to break everything between us, thoroughly. As we know, we are done with all the bullshit. We are mature enough, for once, let's act that way. Let's stop playing with each other's lives." We let each other willingly, foolishly, without thinking of the future, as only the present mattered. This will be the consequences we go through when we think through our dick.
"We should stop fucking with our lives." I was desperately tempted to add, especially with my precious life, but I held back in time. Ralph had a knowing smirk on his face, and I averted my eyes from him. God, what's so wrong? Replacing 'I' with 'We' is definitely a hell of a task, and I am fully intent on succeeding in replacing.
"Ralph, I promise to open the door of exit, but after seven days." That had his full attention; he knit his eyebrow in confusion. I exhaled deeply. "I want seven more days of yours, before he protests, I continued, the least you owe me for all the heartbreak I have gone through."
I really can't just stop myself. Once again, I used my misery as an excuse.