Music was buzzing, and I was nodding to the beat, trying to relax from the mental chaos I was having. I leaned back on the couch, not caring about the world, with one leg on my other leg's lap and eyes closed; that's the only gateway I needed at the moment. I needed to mask my emotions, as I couldn't hide them, and pretend that I was okay to the world. When my mind was out of this buzzing, I would be pushed back to my chaotic world, where I am only filled with questions with no right answer. I wanted the right path in my personal life, and I don't know how to carve one.
I know I am searching for something, and I don't know what I am searching for.
I want what everyone has around me: a blissful life with my partner. I thought I had one like twice, and I was proved wrong both times. I am not fucking asking too much, right? But I am sure I am expecting the same from the wrong person. When I tasted betrayal, I should have fucking learned my lesson. No, I needed to learn one more fucking time. Knowingly, I jumped into his fucking trap.
I want to get out of the well I have jumped in, but I am not able to. I don't want to go back, but at the same time, I can't stay too long in midair. I am terrified that I will be pulled back once again, and this time, I will never come back. I would surrender completely and welcome every misery with a smile, without fighting back till I can endure. This time I won't be as lucky as before; I know that for sure.
I was startled when a hand wrapped around my waist. I opened my eyes to be greeted by Edgar, who was grinning mischievously. I wanted to be this guy who was fucking carefree and doesn't give a fuck about anything in this life. Damn, how I wish to switch our roles at this moment. Wishful thought.
Edgar passed me a drink, and he started sipping his. "As usual, you are in deep thought." "I was enjoying the music." "One could wish for, especially with you." I rolled my eyes at that. "I was enjoying the music....?" He snorted, and it sounded more like a question to me. "Yeah, right." I started sipping my drink.
We were silent for a few minutes, but my prying friend couldn't hold his tongue back for too long. "So." Of course, they all wanted to know what was going on; just a glimpse was not enough. They need a damn detailed description. "Where is everyone?" "Around, fucking, sucking, dancing—who cares?" I chuckled at that. "So." I groaned at that. "Go on." He nudged my hand. "I will try my best to make you understand, but I don't know whether you will or not." He turned his half posture to me, giving me his full attention. "You know me; this time I don't want to assume anything unless you share something. I want to know what's going on with you, Ralph. Talk to me, please." I sighed in return.
My breathing was shaky for no reason, and the hand that held the glass was shaking a little. I tried my best to relax by inhaling and exhaling my breath. What the hell is with this shakiness all of a sudden?
Edgar was still facing me with the same attentiveness. "Please tell me you are not thinking of getting back to that jerk." Just like that, shakiness was replaced by laughter. They can't be blamed if I consider my previous stupid decision-making, but still, I couldn't help the smile that spread wide on my lips. "No, no. Are you out of your mind?" He snorted in return. "I am fucking out of my mind when you are fucking meeting him." I scoffed at the ridiculous acquisition. "Hey, the first time was intentional, but the remaining times he groped me. You know how he is when he wants to win me over." He was annoyed hearing that, but it was the damn truth. "I fucking know that's why I am telling you to be cautious about that bastard. To rekindle, he will do any fucking thing, and I am worried that you will give in like last time." "I am not going to." "That's what you told me last time." I gritted my teeth at the statement.
I gulped my drink in one go and placed the empty cup on the table. Promptly, Edgar refilled my glass and his too. "Ralph, I am worried about you, everyone is. Your parents are ok with anything; they want you to be happy. Before deciding anything, please think it over, and if possible, please discuss it with any of us." I nodded at that, and he was satisfied with my response.
"Why did you meet Asher, or is that also an ambush?" "No, no, it wasn't. I wanted to meet him to hear his side of the story, and I regret it. Not only did I hear his side of the story, but at the end, the blame was on me. According to him, I pushed him." My grip on the glass was harder after pouring tiny details, and my anger only got more intense from the last time. That bastard, how can he fucking say that after fucking everything up? He fucking throws shit in my face, and I let him.
"So, he has turned into a stalker?' "Pretty much my security is tight, and I guess thanks to the old stalker." He burst into laughter after hearing that, and I couldn't help but join him. Nothing was this funny when I was fucking alone. "Is security really stopping Asher?" I coughed at that, like anything could stop him. "Not really, he started playing his old cards. Cornering me wherever he could and trying to convince me after throwing that shit on me." "Of course, we are fucking talking about Asher. Be careful, please." I nodded my head in return.
"Why did you meet him, Ralph?" I turned toward Edgar with a perplexed expression. Didn't I just answer that? I should have known he wouldn't buy that easily. "I don't know; I was searching for something, I guess." "Like his apology and shit." "That too, and something I don't know. His persistence to end up with me after making me go through those shitty things. He wants me, but at the same time, he doesn't want only me. Am I an idiot to think like that and to meet him in the first place?" "If I consider your history, you are always an idiot." I chuckled in return.
"Asher would repeat the same mistake at least another thousand times if you let him. He would never give you whatever you are expecting, mark my words. If you want to check whether the rice is cooked or not, just pull one grain of rice; it's not necessary to check every grain. You have tasted your betrayal; anything coming out of his mouth would never compensate for what you have gone through." I slowly nodded my head in understanding. It's true and deep.
"So, what is going on with Reece?" A smile formed on my face without realizing. "I don't know, but fucking is good." He rolled his eyes at that. "I know that, and I also think there is something else going on, too." I grimaced for a second. "I don't know." "You can always talk." "About what? He is fucking no less than that bastard. If he gets or finds a chance, he will fucking flee. He just wants reasons, and obviously, I am good at giving reasons." Just like that, my smile was replaced with burning anger. That bastard is the whole fucking package, an updated version of Asher. He chuckled at that. "You guys need lots, like lots, of talking." Well, that fucking went well. He fucking can't suck it up the whole ordeal and spit out exactly what the hell he wants from me. "We did agree and shared our mistakes. We spoke about our first breakup." "And." "And nothing, that's it." "So, things will not go beyond fucking." "For now, I don't know." "You want something else from him?" Do I want something beyond fucking only if he fucking stops his marathon, or is at least some verbal hope enough for now? Still, there is that fear that has latched onto me; I can't pluck it so easily. "I don't know; I am afraid someday his fear will win over, and he will flip and flee." He nodded in understanding. We were silently sipping our drinks, buried in our thoughts. After a few minutes, Edgar spoke slowly.
"You know, right, that you can't just barge into his life after betrayal and expect so much from him? You guys need time to amend things, and as I said, lots of conversations." "I know that, and I need some kind of assurance. I can't trust anyone, not these two, especially. I just want some kind of assurance, at least verbal, but neither of them is ready to give it to me. If Reece's life drops a little bit, fear will win over him without his knowledge; he'll fucking do things, and it will aim at pushing me away." I sighed in agitation as tears were threatening to flow at any moment. I inhaled a sharp breath, trying to hold whatever that was threatening. Not fucking now.
"He is from a poor family without a backbone; he has reached where he is right now. He can't help it, I guess." "He can discuss, and we can try to overcome anything, but he wouldn't, I am sure of it." "Because he has so much pride." "What stupid pride are you talking about? Don't you have one when you start retrieving your bloody steps in a relationship? As I said, he is no fucking better than that bastard but not worse. Seriously, I don't know what I would do with him. He hasn't popped any questions about dating or anything, and I don't know how to respond if he pops one." He sighed in resignation.
"Just fuck them both and find someone new. We will help you." I sighed, groaning. "I don't want to start something new without proper closure with both of them. Asher won't let me, I know, and in some way, Reece is holding me back too." He groaned in return. "Your life is going nowhere; before it was because of Asher, and now one more person added just the pinch you need to increase your misery." I sucked in a sharp breath at that; he was so damn right.
"What are you going to do?" I pinched the bridge of my nose to ease the erupting frustration. "We are worried." Of course, they are. My life is stuck, and my attempts to come out were resulting in vain. I can't be stuck forever. If things are not working, I couldn't stick around this time.
We were quite taken with noting our surroundings for any change, but nothing. The party was filled with the same excitement, and here I am sharing my sappy story. "Don't glance in the front, and I can stop him." I was perplexed by what he was saying, and my eyes met with the green one. He will always snatch every bloody fucking chance. "Shall I call the guards?" "No. Do you think he will throw any chance? I'm kind of expecting him. Let me handle it."