"The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them"-Philip K. Dick-Valis
"Villains!" I shrieked, "dissemble no more! I admit the deed! -tear up the planks! here, here! -It is the beating of his hideous heart!"-Edgar Allen Poe-The Tell-Tale Heart
Harry slept as late as he could, on the first day back at Hogwarts. He slept fitfully throughout the night, waking up over and over again every few hours in a cold sweat, with Sirius' accusing eyes staring at him from within his dreams.
When he finally dragged himself out of bed and into the shower, it was already ten thirty.
He made his way to the kitchen, heading out to grab hold of some breakfast before going to check the progress on the Cabinet.
The elves certainly seemed happy to see him. The way they ran around, carrying trays piled up with all the food he could possibly eat had him chuckling.
' Maybe I'll get myself one, one day. One that isn't crazy'
The Room of Hidden Things was as magnificent as he remembered it. He smiled at the bloodstained ax, waved a hand in greeting to the stuffed troll, and ambled along, singing to himself, until he reached the cabinet.
He stroked it reverently, laughing as he thought about it.
' Soon. Soon you'll be all fixed. Won't that be nice?'
It seemed to hum back in response.
' You want to help us kill Dumbledore, don't you? Won't that be fun? And then I'll be free'
He was pleasantly surprised by how far they had progressed in his absence. Now, three-quarters of the runes were clearly visible and had obviously been fixed up.
' Wow. Alaine's done well. I should reward him'
A smile crossed his face.
' I should let him scream'
He stood there for a while, stroking the cabinet and imagining it vomiting out his companions.
' Maybe I'll have Bella come. She'd love it. Oooh! Greyback! He'd have fun!'
With such pleasant thoughts circling his mind, he eventually broke out of the reverie.
He stood at the edge of the Quidditch pitch, clutching his Firebolt.
' Sirius gave it to me'
"Fuck him" he muttered, taking off in the late morning sun.
' Sirius loved flying. Remember?'
He nodded absentmindedly. Sirius had loved flying so much, he'd figured out a way to enchant a motorcycle to fly. But he'd hated playing Quidditch. When Sirius flew, he'd told Harry, he felt too free to care about stupid rules.
The wind buffeted him, ripping at his robes. He laughed, his carefree voice echoing around the deserted pitch.
' He was going to come to watch. Remember how he said he did come watch you play? How you reminded him of your father?'
"I don't think I did" he muttered, angling his broom downward. "Dad never killed him".
He shot forward, barreling toward the ground. He only pulled out of the dive at the last second, then he skimmed mere inches above the ground, his feet kicking away the grass.
' He said he'd even support Slytherin. Just because of you'
"And I killed him," he said with a giggle. "And it felt so good. It was all his fault anyway. His and Bella's. Their fault. I did what I had to. That's all"
He landed and walked off the pitch, shoulders bent as if under a heavy weight.
Flying just wasn't as fun as it used to be.
"I've got a whole bunch of notes to give you," Tracey said after swallowing her pumpkin juice, "I think Daphne and Draco have your stuff from all the other classes, but I've got Arithmancy and Theory notes for you"
' Do they matter? Does anything?'
"Thanks," He said with a grin. "Need to keep my place at the top"
Tracey sniffed. "Good luck with that. I'll have you know, Granger's coming in top in everything. She's even beating me!"
He raised an eyebrow as his smile got even wider.
' Let me put that mudblood bitch in her place. Show her she doesn't know anything'
"No, seriously," Tracey said, leaning forward. "Apparently, she's averaging ninety-seven percent! Ninety-seven!"
' Maybe I'll carve that into her face' he thought, running a finger along his own, ' the mudblood got more than me on a test! Or maybe that would be too much. It wouldn't fit'
' But-I like Tracey. I don't want to carve her face up. Do I?'
He paused with a piece of toast halfway to his mouth, thinking about it. It would look interesting, he supposed. But did he really want to?
' Maybe I should just stick to carving the mudblood up. Oh, look at me, I did so well on a test, whoop dee fucking doo!'
' I've gone totally round the bend. Lift doesn't go to the top floor. Few ants short of a picnic. I'm fucking crazy! Can't they see! Ha, I'll-'
"Harry?"
"What?"
"Just wondering when you're starting classes again," Theo asked.
"Uh. Sunday? No. Monday. That's it. Monday. I'll start on Monday. Why?"
Theo shared a look with Draco, both of them seeming very concerned.
"Just wondering. What you gonna do till then? While everyone's in class, I mean?"
"I don't know. Probably try to catch up some work. I'll spend more time on runes" he gave Draco a significant look, "but just catch up in general. Hang around the library. Think about stuff"
Just then, the bell started ringing, announcing the end of lunch.
"Well, if you need anything. Let me know"
' I need everything'
He walked out of the Great Hall with them, even though he was planning on going to the library and they were going to class.
He had his invisibility cloak wrapped into a small bundle and tucked into his pocket, and he ran his fingers over the silky material as he walked, thinking about everything he'd look for in the Restricted Section.
Someone tapped him on his shoulder, and he spun around to look into Luna's face.
"You know," she told him after staring into his eyes for a few moments. "I can tell you're sad. The plimsies have been avoiding you"
He just blinked a few times, unable to tear his gaze away from her earnest expression.
"My mother died when I was young," she told him softly. "I saw it. I was sad for a long time too. It gets better"
She made as if to walk away, but he gripped her wrist tightly, holding her in place. "How did she die?" He whispered.
"Spell experiment went wrong" Luna explained, sounding quite nonchalant about the whole thing. "She was quite brilliant, I'm told"
' You know nothing! I killed him! Me! And I'm glad!'
He released her wrist and raised his hand to scratch at his wrist.
"Why didn't she have safety measures in place to prevent that?" He said, talking mostly to himself. He didn't notice how Luna lost a bit of her ethereal expression at his words, how her eyes seemed to focus, dropping their dreamy quality.
"Unless. Maybe she didn't care" he continued, still thinking aloud. "Maybe she just thought it could be fun. She was probably crazy too. Not so bad. Probably better for Luna, really, that-"
His face rocked to the side with her slap. He had his wand out and pointed at her instantly, but she didn't seem to notice, instead, she just stared at him furiously, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"You're-you're-you used to be kind!"
And she ran off, sobbing loudly.
He rubbed his cheek and looked at his friends' shocked expressions.
"What was that all about?" He wondered.
"Um. You just insulted her dead mother" Daphne said.
"Oh. That makes sense, then"
Draco and Theo shared another one of those horrified glances.
' Those are really getting annoying. Maybe I should put out their eyes?'
He giggled, kissed Daphne, and left the silent group behind as he went to the library.
As Harry walked away, Draco turned to Daphne and spoke quietly. "Daph, can we-Theo and I-can we have a word with you, please?"
She glanced at them, an amused expression flitting over her face for a second. "Skipping class to talk to little old me?"
"Snape will understand" Draco muttered. "Please, Daph. It's important"
She sighed. "Fine"
They hung at the back of the group, and snuck away, sitting down in an empty classroom.
"You're worried about Harry, aren't you?" She asked.
"Aren't you?" Theo asked back.
"I know I'm safe with him"
"That's not really an answer," Draco said, starting to pace. "He's gone-he's-"
"Totally batshit insane?" Theo said helpfully.
"Yeah"
"What are you saying?" She asked quietly, voice cold.
Neither of the boys missed the way her knuckles whitened as she gripped her wand.
"Fuck! Daphne, we're saying that we're his friends, and we're worried about him! Merlin! How can you be so blasé about it? Didn't you hear him? Haven't you seen how-"
"I've heard and seen a lot more than either of you. And yes, I am worried. But what are you going to do? You can't change the past. So you can either accept that this is how he is now, or you can fight it"
They both looked totally unconvinced. She sighed again.
"Look. Harry's been through a lot. Our Lord expects sacrifices from us, we all know that. And Harry's given everything he has to give. Just-give him time. Let him come back to himself"
"You really think he will?" Theo asked dubiously. "I mean, he's fucking gone totally-"
"I know!" She shrieked suddenly. "Do you think I don't know? What he had to do, what happened with Black, it tears at his mind! He dreams about it, and he thinks about it, and there's nothing I can do!"
"So that's what that was" Theo muttered, glancing at Draco, who nodded.
"What?"
"Last night," Draco said, clearing his throat. "Harry-he woke us up. He was screaming. But he-he was still asleep. Fast asleep. I called him a few times, and he didn't answer. Didn't even fucking move. I thought he was remembering what-what Bellatrix did. But it was what he did. That's what it was"
She nodded back. "Yeah. That-that thing with Black. It's been worse for him than what Bella did. He-he loved Black, really. He didn't want him to die at all. But when he had to"
A look of total adulation came over her face. "When he had to, he didn't hesitate. He killed Black, and he can't believe that he was right to do it. Because he loved him. But he can't believe that he was wrong to do it either. Because-because of our Lord, and the life he's chosen. So that-that split, that dichotomy. It's fucking up his mind"
Theo and Draco watched her, a bit frightened of the delighted way she had spoken about Black's murder.
"How-how do you know that? He-he told you?"
She gave Theo an absolutely withering look. "It's obvious if you listen to the words between what he says. He doesn't know how to say it, but it's what's going on. Trust me"
She laughed, her voice carrying such joy in it.
"When it comes to Harry, I'm the expert here"
"So what do we do?"
"Weren't you listening? There's nothing we can do. He'll sort it out himself. And I'll be there to help him."
"Maybe," Draco said slowly. "Maybe we should speak to Snape. He's good with this stuff"
Daphne focused on him intently, considering the idea for a bit before answering. "Fine. You and Theo can do it. You can tell him what I said. But Draco"
Draco looked back at her, gulping when he saw the fire in her eyes.
"If you cause me and Harry to be separated," she said softly, voice as dangerous as it had ever been. "If you cause him to be sent away from here. I promise you, I swear it on my blood, that you will beg for death. I'll keep you screaming for days. You will not come between us. Nobody will. Never again"
Draco swallowed again, staring into her deathly-serious eyes.
"I won't" he whispered. "I won't, and I'll make sure Snape doesn't"
"You had better" she muttered as she rose, and dusted her robe off.
He closed the book, being mindful not to slam it.
He didn't want anyone coming to look too closely. He was under his cloak with the book under as well, but sound could still escape.
For some reason, he hadn't thought about simply casting a silencing charm, not until he had closed the book did he even remember such things.
At first, he'd been trying to read up on the theory of soul magic. However, after about twenty minutes, he'd given it up as a waste of time. He wasn't really able to concentrate, and nothing he was reading was sinking in.
So he'd moved on, and instead started looking up curses.
He'd found some really interesting ones. Some of them he'd seen before, but he'd simply never really practiced them.
Like the eyeball deflating curse, which was said to cause intense pain and to be impossible to heal, unless the precise counter-curse was used.
Some of them, however, were totally new to him. Like the tongue melting curse, or the living nightmare curse.
After reading the tongue melting one though, he'd gotten distracted, and spent a while imagining casting it on Granger in the middle of a Theory class.
' I'd probably get another award for special services to the school. Maybe they'd make her pose for the picture with me? With her mouth open, showing everyone that it's empty? She'd probably thank me, to be honest. Without a tongue, maybe she wouldn't feel the insane need to talk non-fucking-stop.
"Oh, look at me, I'm Hermione Granger, and I'm a mudblood, but I'm so smart. Look at me everyone, I'm so smart, and my life is good, and I haven't had to kill anyone I love and aren't I the best?"'
He'd stopped that train of thought, once he realized how absolutely lunatic it was. ' Of course, they wouldn't give me an award. I'd get sent to Azkaban! Wake the fuck up!'
He put away the book and started walking to dinner. He still had a bit of time before he had to get there.
As he walked, his thoughts began circling again. He thought about how wonderful, how incredibly freeing it had been to kill Sirius, how he'd feel so good if he just started killing random students. He sat down against a wall, hidden under his cloak, cast a silencing charm on himself, and wept as he remembered Sirius' expression,
' I need help. I can't-I can't fucking do this. I don't have any control over my thoughts. I don't have any control over my mind. I'm going to do something fucking stupid. I need serious help'
' Like Sirius needed serious help. When he got out of Azkaban. Hah! He broke out of Azkaban for me, and I murdered him. That's pretty funny actually'
Laughing, he stood back up and carried on walking.
' Snape. Snape could help. I'll speak to him tonight. After dinner'
After dinner, however, someone other than Snape felt the need to talk to him.
He was heading over to Snape's office when he heard someone calling his name.
"Yes?" He said, coming to face Longbottom.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?"
Harry sighed and nodded, before following the boy to a nearby alcove.
"How was your break?" He asked politely, but Longbottom just waved the question away.
"I wanted to talk to you. I'm not sure how to say this" the boy began, shifting his weight nervously. From the way he held his hand resolutely in his pocket, Harry was sure there was a wand pointed at him.
' I'll make you eat your fucking wand, you fat lump of shit!'
"But-listen. I-I know that you've been through Hell"
' Do you now?'
"And-and B-Bellatrix Lestrange is an evil, evil bitch"
' That's right. She broke your parents'
"But-"
Harry cut him off. "Do you know what it's like, being under the Cruciatus?"
Neville paled.
"N-no, But-"
"It's… unique. Beautiful, in a way"
Harry's eyes focused on a point a few inches above Longbottom's left ear, causing him to turn his head to see what was there. When he saw nothing, he turned back to Harry, nervously.
"It's like-it's like an orchestra, all playing together. But all the instruments are broken. Your body, it just… screams. Everything screams. It's pain like-like nothing else. And your mind, it just-"
Neville was breathing quickly now, his eyes welling up.
"Your mind. It just stops. There's nothing, you know? No thought. No plans. No time. Just pure, unadulterated agony, encompassing everything. Only pain. And you-you hope that you'll die. You know you won't, but you still hope that you'll be an exception and just die. Because then there'll be no more pain. And it's-it's beautiful. Like a lion eating a young buck as it's mother escapes"
His voice died away, and he tore his gaze back to Longbottom's face.
The boy was crying now, his body shaking with his silent sobs, his every teardrop singing in Harry's heart.
"Sorry," He said sincerely, "what were you saying?"
Neville swallowed thickly and spoke as if there was something in his throat.
"What-what you said to L-Luna. It really hurt her feelings. She's been cr-crying all day. I-I wanted to ask you to apologize. I-I know you must not have meant it, that you must have misspoken or something, but-"
"Luna? Are you dating her?"
' What did I say to her? Oh, right. Her mother. Well, it was true. Maybe I'll apologize. Keep up appearances'
Neville nodded. "Will you?"
' Date her? No- he means will I apologize, idiot'
"Yeah. Sure"
"C-cool" Longbottom stuck out his hand.
' Maybe I should do that fingernail curse?'
Instead, he shook the boy's hand, smiling widely.
"I-I'm sorry. You-you shouldn't have had to go through that. Nobody should. Bellatrix should die"
Harry just nodded.
' Do I want Bella to die? She's crazy, but so am I. And she's actually pretty cool'
He made a show of looking at his watch.
"I uh, I'm meeting with Snape, so-"
"Sorry! Have a good night"
And Longbottom hurried away.
"So, I think I've lost my mind completely"
He fidgeted a bit, twiddling his thumbs as Snape's gaze bore into him.
"I see" Snape finally said. "What seems to be the main cause? What you did to Black, or what dear Bella did to you?"
"Sirius. Definitely. He won't leave me alone" he explained.
Snape's forehead creased. "What do you mean, he won't leave you alone?"
"Oh! I mean, I keep thinking about him. And he's in all of my dreams, and I just-I either feel really good about killing him. It was very good" he said, nodding his head slightly.
"Or?"
"Or-or I feel terrible. Like-like. Terrible. And I-I can't think. Not properly. It's getting worse. Worse today than yesterday. Yesterday was worse than the day before. It's gonna-be bad if I can't fix it"
"Would you mind if I examined your mind? With Legilemency?"
He shrugged. "Go ahead"
Snape pointed his wand at him, and he felt the telling tickle on his mind.
A few moments later, Snape's eyes widened and he recoiled, ending the intrusion into Harry's mind.
Harry watched as Snape breathed deeply, regaining a bit off color. He still looked extremely worried though.
"Can you hold on until Sunday?"
"I think so," Harry said with a shrug. "I'll just avoid people for the most part. Why? What's on Sunday?"
"There is a potion," Snape said, regaining his composure. "It should help end your internal conflict. You are lucky that I have the base already prepared, otherwise it would take three months"
"Great!" He said brightly. "So after Sunday, I'll be sane again?"
Snape sighed. "It should end your internal conflict with regards to Sirius. That's all that it will do. But you will be able to think more clearly, this I promise you"
"That's cool. That'll be fun. But-I'm meeting Dumbledore, Saturday morning"
Snape went absolutely stock-still, not moving a muscle.
"Will you be able to control yourself for the duration of that meeting?" He asked in a whisper.
"Yeah. Why not?"
Snape shook his head.
"Just-ask if you can push it off. Until Sunday afternoon. I'll ask for you. Don't meet with him, not before you've taken this potion"
"If he agrees. I'll be happy to"
"I'll make sure he does. I'll tell him that you've been having nightmares, and that I've given you Dreamless Sleep for them, and that I believe you should give it an extra day before talking about it"
"You really think it would be that bad? If I spoke to him now?"
Snape looked horrified at the very prospect.
"If-if he was to meet with you, while you are in this state. It would be terrible. His eyes see much, Harry. Much more than you would suspect"
"Fine" Harry said with another shrug.
Snape handed him a vial of Dreamless Sleep and bade him return the next day to get another one and to find out what Dumbledore had to say.
Harry had an undisturbed night of sleep. When he woke, he found he could think clearly.
He spent that day mostly alone. Working on catching up on all the stuff he'd missed, sitting quietly in the empty common room, with the silence only broken by his bursts of intermittent cackles.
Of course, Snape had to ruin his brilliant day.
"Dumbledore will be meeting with you on Saturday"
"But-you said! You said it'd be-"
"I know!" Snape looked absolutely furious. A part of Harry's mind admired the way his nostrils flared so ominously. Another part screamed in terror.
' He's gonna kill me! He's gonna kill me!'
"We have to kill him," Harry said earnestly. "Tonight. Now. Let's go"
He drew his wand.
"Potter. Sit. Down" Snape's voice cracked across him like a whip.
"But-"
"Do I have to explain exactly how idiotic it would be to attack the headmaster now? With no backup, no preparation?"
Harry thought about it for a few minutes.
"I guess not" he grumbled, picking up his chair and sitting down again. "But what am I gonna do? He's-he'll find out!"
Snape pinched the bridge of his nose tightly, keeping his eyes shut for several minutes.
"Continue using the Dreamless Sleep. And on Saturday morning, before you meet with Dumbledore, I will give you a modified version of a Calming Draught. It should-it should relax your mind"
"So why haven't you-"
"Because it is toxic when taken repeatedly" Snape answered tiredly. "And even before it reaches the toxic stage, it can cause health issues. But as a once-off, it is perfectly safe"
Harry just shrugged. "Ok, then. So I meet with Dumbledore. What's the worst that could happen?"
As he walked out of the room, Severus Snape poured himself a firewhisky.
By the time Saturday morning dawned, Harry felt like he was going to snap. He'd spent the last few days on his own almost all day.
And alone, there was nothing to distract him from his thoughts.
Only yesterday, he'd snapped out of a reverie after alternating between sobbing and laughing hysterically for over an hour. Luckily, he'd been in the Room of Hidden Things at the time, so no-one has been around to see the extent of his madness. But still. It was worrisome.
' It's worrisome that nobody else does that. They'd all feel much better about life if they did. Although. Maybe they do. Maybe we should all go as a group?'
' No. That wouldn't work. Not really'
Although, he was sure everyone would feel much better about their lives if they just took the time out to kill someone they loved.
' Or to just sit for a while, casting stinging hex after stinging hex onto themselves. That was fun. I should do that again sometime. Maybe after Dumbledore?'
' Maybe I should just draw and try to kill him. He'd never expect that'
He sat there for about twenty minutes after having that thought, squeezing his fists until his nails cut crescents into his palms, and muttering "bad idea" over and over again until he felt it had sunk in.
He downed the terrible tasting Calming Draught Snape had given him, ruminating on his apology to Luna the day before. She'd taken it quite well, for all that she had tried to avoid him until then.
She'd even offered to make him a new bracelet that would keep his head clear.
He'd accepted, quite gracefully, he thought. For all her madness, Luna was actually quite entertaining.
' Maybe I'll keep her? Have her just talk whenever I get bored'
He felt the Calming Draught start to work. His mind just felt far less full. All the hectic, non-stop thoughts screaming for his attention seemed to vanish, and wonder of wonders, he could think.
He sat for a few minutes, marveling over the miracle, before taking a deep breath, stretching his back as he stood up and muttering to himself.
"Well. That's the best I'll get. Off to see the wizard"
And humming to himself, he left his room.
"Harry, thank you for meeting with me today. Firstly, I must apologize for being unable to push this off until tomorrow. I have a meeting with the heads of the international coalition against Voldemort, and I expect it to take all day. I'm truly sorry, if I could, I would"
' As long as you don't kill me'
"I understand, sir," he said.
"Thank you. I hope you have been settling in well?"
Dumbledore peered at him over his spectacles, and Harry was sorely tempted to shout at the man, to smash his calm demeanor. To make Dumbledore feel as broken as he did.
' This is all your fucking fault. All of it. You should have given me to a normal family. Or killed me when I was a baby'
"It's been ok"
"I hope it only improves. If you don't mind, please, will you tell me what happened that day?"
Harry swallowed.
' Be very. Very. Very careful'
"I-I was talking to S-Sirius. And-and there was a crack. And he-he looked to the side, looking confused. And I-I heard her. She shouted it. The-the Killing Curse. And he-he fell. And she-she laughed"
He looked down, allowing the tears to rise. Remembering how it had really been.
"And then?" Dumbledore asked gently.
"I-I ran out of the room. And I-I fought her. She was-was crazy. Laughing half the time. Screaming the rest. About how-how she wished the-the Dark Lord would let her kill me. How we-we were besmirching her home. And-and she-she got me with the-the Cruciatus"
He shuddered. Whether in pleasure or remembered pain, he couldn't be sure.
"And-and I didn't stop. And she got me with other stuff, on my arm, and on-on my face. And the-the Cruciatus again. And she-she dropped something, and she freaked out. I was-was on the floor, but I almost h-hit her when she bent to pick it up-"
"A black object?" Dumbledore interjected. "Shaped like a ball?"
Harry nodded. "And she shouted and hit me with something else. And then she just-just disapparated. And then I-I passed out"
Dumbledore was absolutely silent. Even the portraits seemed to be holding their breath.
"How-how did she get in? She-the Fidelius?" Harry asked.
Dumbledore sighed. "We were foolishly overconfident, in our choice of location. And Sirius and you paid the price. That black object which she dropped, seems to have been a Portkey created using blood magic. Linking the blood of the Black family to their ancestral home"
Dumbledore watched Harry in silence for a few moments before speaking.
"Did she say anything else? About why she was there?"
He shook his head mutely.
"I see. Harry, I want you to know. Any help you require in overcoming this. Anything at all. Please. Do not hesitate to ask. Sirius would not want you to give up on living"
' Oh yes, he would. He would have tried his best to make sure I did. And stop pretending like you want me to live either'
"Th-thank you, sir. Thank you"
"Not at all, Harry" Dumbledore said sadly, his eyes piercing the student opposite him. "Not at all"