It was that time of the night again, a night where I doubt myself and all the things that I am capable of. Why am I like this? Am I hard to love? Would people miss me if I just killed myself and disappear from the world?
Would people care if I straight up disappear? Maybe I'm just a Mirrorball waiting to be seen by someone else who really cares. Someone who really cares about my feelings and my emotions
Maybe I'm just a grenade waiting to explode and push people away from me, further and further and further away. And there is a song that I relate to, and out of all the songs of Taylor Swift, it just had to be Tolerate It.
Took this dagger in me and removed it?
Gain the weight of you then lose it
Believe me, I could do it
If it's all in my head, tell me now
Tell me I've got it wrong somehow
I know my love should be celebrated
But you tolerate it.
Do people just tolerate me? Do people just take me for granted? Am I even a person? Am I useful? Am I useless? I can't help but feel self-doubt over all my talents and shit. I don't want this anymore. I just want to die sometimes; I want to take a knife and stab myself in the throat.
I'm not depressed or anything, not that I know of. It's just all in my head, it's just my train of thoughts, my intrusive, abusive thoughts. But in reality, I just want people to see that I am trying, that this is me trying to be the better version of myself, but I think that they don't see me try.
And this night was the worst night ever, and it was the first time out of the many first times that I've cried myself to sleep.