♫ THE DEATH OF PEACE OF MIND - Bad Omens ♫
"Toss the coin and choose, do you want to pretend to be on which side of history? The one that wins or the one that loses? The one you consider right or wrong? Scared of the outcome without realizing that both in the end of the day are just as flawed.''
''Did a horse ran over you again?'' Early in the morning, these are the first words Rainier Bauldry hears once he reaches the training grounds, the remark is made by Tove Chastain, a colleague from the Silver Crows, the order of knights he partakes on. Her words don't really bother Rainier, as he is aware that his current constitution is terrible. For the last three months his health has been in a constant decline, most times due to the healing nature of his mana he rarely gets sick or truly injured, however in this moment he feels as if he is. He is sluggish, with a terrible body ache, a sharp headache, tired eyes and his mind just isn't working as it usually does, his thought process is slower and he's making mistakes that were impossible previously.
Of course his situation is more psychological than physiological, so that's why his mana isn't doing much for his state.
The morning breeze washes through his body, his clothes are thin but the cold is welcomed, it helps his head to calm down and his thoughts to seize.
Since he was a child he never dwelled much in what he couldn't control.
At age three he accepted he had no parents, at five he accepted that he had to steal in order to eat, at seven he accepted that commoners are below nobles, at eight he accepted that his life changed completely, at ten he accepted that he would never be someone's priority, at fifteen he accepted that his love would never be reciprocated and at twenty he accepted that one day he would have to die for someone else. None of those realizations were accompanied by denial or an attempt to change it, he accepted because that was his reality, he worked hard to appear to belong there, to be accepted, to be seen.
Nonetheless, now, at 21, he's struggling to accept something for the first time.
''No, let's just start training'', he answers, his tone is cold and curt, he isn't bothered by the woman's comment, however he still deflected the subject. Tove is Evangelia's best friend, they go back to when they were babies, and anything that happens in Evangelia's life, Tove knows, and vice-versa, including the fact that Rainier is deeply in love with the Crown Princess.
Although he isn't sure if he can say so anymore. Three months ago he made a mistake, and then he repeated it until he couldn't anymore. And that mistake is messing his life up, including his relationship with Alkaios and Evangelia, and where they stand in Rainier's life.
Another gush of wind messes his hair and brings a shiver down his spine, as summer is close to ending rain and storms are the new staple around the Empire, even though the place was already closer to cold than warm, the fall and winter were always especially rigorous.
His thoughts about the weather stop once he hears now familiar voices behind him, he wants to turn so he can see their faces, the urge of provoking the men always controlling his actions. A person that was capable of remaining expressionless while the Crown Prince ordered him to do atrocities is now bothered by a few rookie knights. It's like they say, it's easier to pretend the familiar demons don't exist than the new ones.
Golden Phoenices, that was the stupid name of the Second Prince's order of knights, and they were sharing the same training grounds as the Silver Crows, the Crown Prince's knights. So everyday for three months, Rainier has been seeing them around, talking obnoxiously loud, lazily training and provoking him. The last part was more uncalled for, as the only way they provoke him is by existing, yet he can't ignore their presence, he can't turn away and focus on his own training like he usually did.
There are a few reasons why Rainier hates not only the Second Prince but everyone surrounding him. One of them is because Prince Nikias was always causing trouble for the Crown Prince and Evangelia, not only poisoning his brother, but also spreading false rumors about Evangelia with the goal of breaking their engagement. Nikias Gregor Chrysl was the scum of the earth, he was a brat that didn't know what it meant to be a noble and never acted like such. Noblesse Oblige? It would be surprising if he even knew what that entails.
And even if for the last three months he has been acting differently, Rainier isn't easily swayed like others, he doesn't even believe that Prince Nikias is capable of change.
It all boils down to trust, Rainier learned to trust Alkaios and Evangelia and distrust Nikias, this isn't something easily shakable, after all this is his reality for the last 13 years of his life.
''Good morning Captain'', Philippe says with a yawn as he arrives at the training grounds, even if the sun just rose, Rainier can't avoid that he is annoyed at his colleague for arriving after the Second Prince's knights to train.
''Stop talking and start running'', Rainier says, in a bad mood. Tove laughs as she passes the two men while running her laps.
''The lil' pepper woke up in a bad mood'', she comments with a yell, catching the attention of the few knights training at the grounds that morning, Rainier sights, frowning his eyebrows.
''Is it that hard to just train in silence?'' He asks, deeply annoyed, his mind burning from the headache he's feeling for the last three months. He has even collapsed a few times, earning a good lecture from Alkaios, who was more worried about the knight's performance than Rainier's health. I'm so tired, he thinks, breathing slowly, trying to calm his nerves.
''...Lowe asked the Captain to accompany him to town yesterday'', with the mention of that name, Rainier finally succumbs, turning to stare at the other knights training there, it was the pink-haired one that was talking, something about protecting the Second Prince at an outing, not that Rainier cared about that, all he wanted was to catch a single glimpse.
A glimpse of the reason his head hurts so much.
''Listen, this isn't working out for both of us, I am busy with work and you also have your duties, the right thing to do is to end this'', Lowe's words gave a bitter taste inside Rainier's mouth, he wanted to yell, say that he didn't want that, that he wanted to continue this. But it was their sixth conversation like that and he was always the one seeking Lowe again. He was the only one doing the chasing, just like he did with Evangelia, even if the reason was different, was he going to keep doing this for the rest of his life? Seeking those who do not wish to be around him?
He follows Evangelia around due to love, what excuse can he give to why he keeps seeking the servant? Desire? Lust? Just so he can get a fix? Is all he wants truly a temporary release of desires?
Is the guilt he's feeling due to betraying his love to Evangelia by losing his virginity to someone else or something he wouldn't even dare to mutter?
Lowe's caramel eyes… sweet and aching, if he keeps drowning in them one day he'll wake up in pain, just like the first time he ate too much candy.
Like a drug he can't stop taking.
So he succumbed, he accepted to turn to the other way and pretend there was never something between them, that the nights they spent together never existed.
''If that's what you want, Lowe'', for the first time the name that so easily rolls off his tongue felt painful, poisonous.
Lowe sighed, his eyes closed, as if he was fighting something inside, just like Rainier was, maybe if they were something more than just 'relief partners' he could've asked, maybe then they wouldn't break things off this easily. What even is their relationship though?
''Lord Rainier'', a formal tone, just like a commoner talking to a noble, a surge of pain on Rainier's chest makes the man close his eyes, trying not to show his emotions. ''We are pure opposites, two sides of the same coin that never should have clashed''.
And with those words, the servant left, not looking back even once.
Recalling that moment from three weeks ago still makes Rainier feel funny deep inside his stomach, he wants to hear more about the servant, he wants to ask where he is, what he is doing, if he's healthy and if he's offering poison in the exchange for sex to others just like he did to him in their first night together.
He turns to watch his subordinates running around the training grounds, he should focus at work right now, it's been three weeks and they haven't seen each other anymore, maybe if he just did as the servant suggested, the pain inside him will go away.
Occupying his mind with hard work was always his answer whenever Rainier was facing a difficult moment, he spent the whole morning training the knights to the bone, earning a few curse words from Tove, and he spent a portion of his afternoon walking around the Palace, inspecting the escape routes and entry ones for the engagement party of Alkaios and Evangelia that'll happen in a week. Working hard so that the love of your life won't be assassinated while she gets engaged to someone else might be on another level of cruelty, but they never really cared for Rainier's feelings in that sense.
''So, do you have anything to report?'' Now at Alkaios office, with his hands behind his back in a straight pose he is talking with his childhood friend and Crown Prince of the Exos Empire.
''Most routes are already secure from Prince Nikias' party, however the side entryways of the Sun Ballroom should be fixed shut to avoid any possible intruders'', his words leave his mouth robotically. Alkaios nods coldly, his eyes are sunken, he seems to be having a hard time conciliating everything as well.
''Did you talk with Evangelia?'' He asks, putting the pen down and staring at his friend, the Crown Prince always enjoyed these little games, checking if Rainier will ever cross the line. Yet he never did.
''Yes, we had tea yesterday, she asked me to help her choose the engagement dress'', he answers, his voice is coarse, almost as if the words are costing to leave his lips.
Alkaios stares at him for a few more seconds before speaking, ''She should ask Tove, it's not like you have a good fashion sense'', he laughs, the mood lightening slowly, Rainier takes a deep breath, now he's going from boss to friend. The shift of moods in their conversations was always volatile. He never knew what he could say that it would cross a line Alkaios wouldn't like. And he's just like his father in that sense, Rainier thinks, cold and calculating.
Maybe because in the future he'll be an Emperor just like his father so he must train hard to be just as cold and emotionless as a requirement for the job.
''I guess she believes I will have a different opinion as a man'', his words make Alkaios laugh even more, as if saying that Evangelia doesn't see Rainier as a man, and that is the cold truth, even if he knows that it hurts either way.
''What about you Rainier? Even if you didn't want to marry my brother, you won't spend your whole life single like your father, right?'' Will you keep this pathetic one-sided love for my fiance for longer? Is what Rainier imagines Alkaios words truly mean, and sure, if he could he would say no, that he'll marry a nice and noble girl and have children that'll befriend Alkaios and Evangelia's children, like the good friends they are. But that is a lie. He couldn't lay with a woman that isn't Evangelia, he can't even look at another woman without thinking about his childhood friend. How can I marry one and pretend my life is chipper?
Sure, maybe he could move on with his life if he was with that servant but…
Just the fact that the thought crosses his mind makes the knight feel sick to his stomach, the guilt washing over him again, he bends over, touching the wall next to him for support, Alkaios raises from his chair, getting closer to his friend, his cold hands touching Rainier's arm.
''Are you ok?'' The Crown Prince asks, his tone expresses a concern that his eyes don't show.
''Sorry, your highness, I just ate something bad at lunch'', he lies, not wanting to hear another lecture about 'getting it together' again. He straightens his back, his face pale, yet he pretends to have gotten better, Alkaios eyes are filled with suspicion, but he doesn't act on it. ''I do fancy someone'', he answers the Prince's question, not even sure what he's saying. Alkaios eyes go from suspicion to disbelief, Rainier can see that his friend thinks he's talking about Evangelia, but he isn't. It may be a lie, as he doesn't fancy the servant the same way he does Evangelia, yet if one day he could move on from this pained one-sided love, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if his partner were him.
''May I inquire to who?'' The Crown Prince asks, going back to his table.
''My apologies, but it is a forbidden relationship'', his words pique the interest of the Prince.
''Why? Is she married?'' His question is a bait, if Rainier answers yes then he would assume he was talking about Evangelia again.
''No, a servant'', he doesn't correct his friend on the gender of the target of his fancy, yet he relays the truth about the origin of their relationship. Friends are supposed to talk about such things, no? He asks himself, sure he used to talk with Alkaios about his difficulties dealing with nobles or how hard it was calling his adoptive father, father.
But after the crowning ceremony Alkaios changed, as if he's constantly on edge, trying to become a better Emperor than his father, and after Nikias was poisoned something inside his friend broke, as if his patience and empathy were nothing more than a fake front he was putting on. Rainier always knew that Alkaios was cold-hearted, he's not much different from Frode Abel in that front, he can send people to their deaths without guilt, he can kill and dismember animals without even blinking, yet he always acted with kindness towards those in lower social standing than him. Maybe all the kindness he shows is just a fake front. He thinks, closer to the truth about Alkaios actions than he may think he is.
''I just…'' Rainier continues once his friend doesn't say anything. ''I don't think it'll work out''.
''Because she's a servant?'' Alkaios tone is low, his eyes don't showcase any emotion, but Rainier spent enough time with him to know that he catched the man out of surprise, so much so that the Crown Prince is thinking hard on how to deal with the situation. Perhaps he never expected Rainier to say he actually fancies someone.
''No… Well, that too'', He answers with a sigh, pinching between his eyebrows trying to make sense of his own thoughts. ''It's just that when I'm near them my brain doesn't work, I seem to act stupid''.
Alkaios laughs, for the first time in a while it's a genuine laugh. ''Rai'', after years he uses the nickname Rainier was given as a child. ''Everyone acts stupid when they like someone''. I never acted stupid in front of Evangelia, he wants to say.
''Even you?'' he asks with a soft smile.
''Even me,'' Alkaios says with a genuine smile, as he usually does when talking about his beloved. ''I used to trip in front of Evangelia a lot when we were kids, remember?'' Rainier laughs with the memory. ''I even switched perfumes because she liked another one better''.
That's not stupid, that's sweet, Rainier thinks, jealous of the relationship between his friends.
''It's not that kind of stupid'', he continued. ''I threw up after our first kiss'', he says, omitting the fact that it was after they had sex and he heard Evangelia's name, as Alkaios doesn't need that information. His friend leans back onto his chair in silence, his finger tapping on the table as if he's thinking deeply.
''That is quite stupid'', Alkaios comments, ''Did you apologize?''
''Yes, but it didn't exactly work'', he answers, omitting the fact that he did that multiple times.
''Maybe you should try giving her a gift, women tend to forgive better with those'', it isn't a woman though, Rainier thinks, but he nods nonetheless. ''Make sure to make it expensive, the bigger the screw up, the bigger the jewel''.
''Did you give jewels to Evangelia?'' He asks, Alkaios shakes his head.
''If I did she would cut my head off'', the two laugh, ''My father does this with mother, last year he forgot their marriage anniversary and then gave her a necklace with purple mana stones, each stone heavier than a person''.
''I don't see how the Empress would forgive based on just that'', Rainier states.
Alkaios nods. ''She didn't, but it certainly helped his case''.
Although Alkaios advice was superficial and he hasn't thought that deeply about it, Rainier appreciates, it feels like talking with his long time friend again, something he hasn't felt in ages.
''You should maybe give her land? With a title your relationship won't be illegal anymore'', Alkaios words are sensible and make sense, most would assume a commoner would enjoy a title, especially if they were going to marry a future Duke.
Yet it doesn't apply to Rainier's situation. He wants to tell Alkaios, open his mouth, tell the whole story, cry on his friend's shoulder like he used to do at ten years old, but he can't. Something inside him, a little bug in the back of his head, keeps telling him to keep it a secret. That if he opens his mouth and tells the servant is Prince Nikias butler in training, he might leave that room with injuries his mana can't heal.
''I guess I'll reflect on it'', he says finally. ''Kai'', he uses his friend's nickname as well, making the man tilt his head, maybe also feeling the same as Rainier did. ''Thank you, if I one day marry…'' He swallows dryly, trying not to show he's about to cry. ''You'll be the first I'll invite''.
Alkaios stares at Rainier, his pink eyes shining with his smile. ''Rai, even if the seasons change and we change together with them, the fact that you're my best friend will never change. I trust you with my life'', those words make Rainier sentimental, but at the same time draw a line Alkaios may not intend to, Rainier is his personal knight and the Captain of his order of knights, not to mention a future Duke to his Empire. Their relationship transcends those of regular best friends. If Alkaios is ever in danger, Rainier is expected to die in his place, and he never questioned it.
He always has been ready to die for the Crown Prince.
He was adopted for this sole reason.
His current existence is for that alone.
So even if he marries, even if he falls in love with someone else, his life will never be his own to give to his lover, his life will always be in the hand of Alkaios, and that is how it is supposed to be.
If tomorrow he found out he would die in the Crown Prince's place he wouldn't hesitate to do so.
Or at least he thinks so.
After going back to work mode and exchanging a few more words about surveillance during the engagement party, Rainer leaves Alkaios office with a heavy heart, his mind still on those words from earlier and how he truly feels about the whole situation. His stomach is still churning from the thought of moving on from a love of 13 years. He walks slowly through the Palace hallways, looking for a place to sit. He hasn't felt well, to be honest, for the last three months.
Rainier finds an empty hallway between the main Palace and the servants wing, he sits on a quiet corner, away from those who might go through that place, the ground is cold and the window at the hallway makes the cold wind surround him, yet he doesn't mind.
Rainier is around 1,80cm, he's muscular and his appearance is noble and poised, he isn't the type to succumb to his emotions, so he finds himself lost once he does. The control and poised appearance he spent years fostering and he's proud of succeeding, is now in shambles, all because of a simple mistake of accepting a servant's proposition.
No, stopping to talk with him that very first night was my mistake, noticing his mole, paying attention to his words… All of that was my mistake. A hell of his own making.
So for the first time since he was a child, he cries. Tears leave his eyes so easily that he wonders why he always held them out, he cries for his mistakes, he cries for the love that harms him and he cries for feeling trapped inside himself. The warm tears slide through his cheek and fall on his knees, the once impairing tall man that imposes respect on his colleagues is standing there in a corner at the Palace, crying just like a child who just lost his parents.
A child that doesn't know who he is without this love he's been fostering for years.
Who's been wearing an iron mask over a paper structure.
He doesn't know for how long he's been there, crying silently, feeling only his own misery and the warm tears kissing his cheeks as a few people go through the other side of the corridors, blissfully unaware of his presence. Or at least he thought they were.
''Lord Rainier?'' The voice of the person who started all this sounds sweet on his ears, he raises his head, his eyes fluttering at the sight of Lowe, who's wearing formal clothes and seems to be back from an outing with the Second Prince. His eyes are showcasing a lot of different emotions, the wind messes his hair as he crouches next to the knight. ''Why are you…'', his mind is turbulent, his eyes going to different places within Rainier, trying to make sense of the situation. ''Are you crying?'' He asks at last, his voice cracks, his eyes show concern, but neither of them understands why.
Rainier is tired, he's been crying for a while, his heart bare, his feelings a mess, he wants to run away, from his responsibilities, from an unfruitful love, from even himself. All he wants is to sink in this new feeling he has around Lowe, the feeling of freedom, of having no responsibility over someone else's safety, of not feeling responsible over a person that will never love him back.
His red eyes are filled with pain, he reaches over to Lowe, touching the man's face, and he spends a few moments just looking at it. From his adorable frown, his well-trimmed eyebrows, his brown eyelashes, his sweet caramel eyes shaped with worry, the beautiful mole under his right eye, the soft tip of his nose and his tasty-looking lips. His calloused fingers trail all of Lowe's face in silence, thinking inside his head just about the man, emptying any other thoughts of guilt or pain. Lowe doesn't move, he wants to walk away and tell the man off, but he can't, the expression of pure pain in Rainier's face stops him from doing so.
''Can I kiss you?'' His voice is hoarse from crying and his lips are cut from biting it too hard to stop the sobs from leaving his mouth, his eyes linger from Lowe's lips to his eyes.
The servant sighs, nodding. Slowly Rainier closes the small gap between them, their lips softly touching each other, he doesn't want this moment to be short, so at first he only brushes their lips together, their noses gently caressing each other's, afterwards he stops, deepening the kiss, his hand brushing against Lowe's neck softly.
Rainier leans back, pushing Lowe to sit on his lap on the floor, his other hand holding the man's hip. It feels good, he thinks when the servant licks the man's lip, making him open his mouth, their tongues touching inside their mouths.
He doesn't want to part, he wants to stay there, buried in this feeling. Forever.
But their part ways after a few moments, both gasping for air, staring deeply into each other's eyes.
''Care to tell me what this is all about?'' Lowe asks, his voice almost a whisper as he leans over, resting his face on Rainier's shoulder, the rhythmic breathing of the servant tickling his skin.
''Lowe'', he says, no sarcasm, no pettiness, his voice is honest and sounds almost like a plea. ''I don't think I'm ready to die alone''.
Silence. Neither one of them knows what to say to the sentence Rainier just uttered.
''And what would you like me to do about it?'' Lowe asks, his face hidden, not wanting to look in Rainier's eyes.
''We slept together a few times'', he says with a deep breath, leaning his head against the wall, his eyes on the ceiling, trying to gather these thoughts he isn't even sure if are good or bad for him.
''Thirteen times'', Lowe says quickly. ''Thirteen times in ten weeks''.
It was a lot then, Rainier thinks with a pained smile.
''Didn't you question why?'' He asks.
''I told you I don't quite understand feelings… Rainier'', he mutters those words quickly as if he's running from a sharp knife. As if he knows what they are doing is weird and should have stopped before it ever began, yet they keep thinking and seeking each other. Even the fact that Lowe had found Rainier there, in a spot hidden from most, as if he was walking those corridors seeking the man unconsciously.
''I've been in love with Evangelia for the last thirteen years'', he says, confessing to a love he never said out loud, at first he thought he would feel relief, but he actually feels pathetic.
''If you thought that was a secret you don't hide it very well'', Lowe comments with a snort after a few seconds of silence. Rainier laughs, his chest hurting by each breath he takes, his fingers softly grazing Lowe's back, as if to calm himself down.
''I'm truly pathetic I guess'', he comments with a sigh. ''Lowe, I'm lost inside this fake castle of cards I put up since I was a child'', each word muttered makes the man feel more and more pained. ''I want to let go of those useless feelings, but I don't think I know how to not love her''. A few tears flowed down his cheeks, silently, it's hard to stop once he began pouring those emotions out.
Lowe doesn't know what to do, he just came back from seeing Prince Nikias leaving for the Morke Kingdom with a big smile on his face, as if he's going to see his favorite person in the entire world, and Raphael who before was just following him around is now out most nights carrying out missions he knows little about. Slowly everyone around him is carrying on their lives, getting engaged or finding purpose, and he needs to admit to himself he isn't sure what to do with himself. He wants to follow the Prince because a concept he clinged on for a good portion of his life, but what if everything he thought of as his future was just delusions?
If one day his brother marries, will he be left alone?
As someone who only ever saw himself as a protector for his weaker brother, now he lost his place he isn't sure even if his choices are for himself or others anymore.
A couple days ago, Raphael and him had a conversation over Prince Nikias engagement, they talked about how their lives will change, and Raphael was excited to start a new life at the Morke Kingdom, form a family, and live the fairytale end he has dreamed of since childhood. A dream that never matched their dark past, but now seems feasible.
The thing is, Lowe never had such a dream.
A family? He already has Raphael. A career? As long as he has enough to live well he's satisfied. Pleasures? He didn't even think about that before losing his virginity.
So he can somehow relate to Rainier's words. He also doesn't know who he is without his brother, just like Rainier doesn't know how to live if he doesn't love Evangelia.
But they need to let go of them. For everyone's sake.
And start living for themselves, whatever that means.
''What do you want to do now?'' Lowe asks, unsure if it is the right question. It's funny how when he's around Rainier, feelings he never thought much about resurge, loneliness, anger, desire, pain. All the feelings he learned to shove down, resurface as if they were always there.
A sigh leaves Rainier's lips, making Lowe's spine shiver as the air tickles his ears. ''Can I love you instead?'' His question carries a weight they're both deeply aware of. It means he'll redirect feelings he has for someone else into Lowe, a feeling it might never be truly his.
''So you want me to replace a woman you can't have?'' Lowe's words sound way more aggressive than he wished for. Rainier's hand on his back stops in place, he can almost hear the gears of the man's head moving.
''No. I can't just love you in her place'', he answers. ''I mean that I can see myself loving you, so I want to put effort into that instead, and am asking for your permission''.
''But you loved her without permission'', Lowe answers back, getting up, looking Rainier in the eye, they're both a mess because of the wind, their eyes are red and their lips chapped. If someone saw them there a good rumor would start inside the Palace. ''Do you want to date me?'' He asks, the words leaving his mouth like a sour fruit, he sounded almost… eager.
I don't even like him, Lowe tells himself. Why would we date? But again… We're surprisingly compatible in bed, even if we tend to argue more each passing day.
Rainier on the other hand is holding back his tears from falling even more, this conversation as much as it is necessary it puts a finger inside his wound. He touches Lowe's face again, his finger caressing the beauty mark under the servant's eye. ''Yes… Let's date'', his words are soft. ''Let's be each other's solace''.
''I don't think I can love you'', Lowe says, point blank. Rainier smiles, closing his eyes.
''I'm not asking that of you''.
''One day you might''.
He opens his eyes again, staring deeply into Lowe's caramel eyes, trying to decide what to say next. He wants to redirect his effort and feelings towards someone else, he wants solace in having his feeling reciprocated even if it's just superficial. Maybe he'll end up in the same situation again, but he needs to try, try to change, try to move on. And sure, he could redirect his feelings towards his work, but that never worked before, what would even change if he tried that again? During the years Rainier tried to move on from his feeling a lot of times, trying to focus on work, training more, even attempting blind dates, none which worked, however for the first time in 13 years he feels that it'll work, that learning to love Lowe will work, and that he'll finally heal from this pain he's feeling deep inside.
''Just don't leave me'', he pleads, hugging Lowe tightly, his head buried in the servant's shoulder. Rainier feels vulnerable, it's the first time he's pleading something to someone. He never even begged to be adopted or for his father's affection. But just like any human, he wants it, he wants to be cared for, he wants to be loved, and he doesn't want to die.
Lowe stares at the white wall, his hands on the side of his body, unmovable. Should he accept such a proposition? To be loved by someone in return for just staying at their side? Does that mean that when everyone leaves, he won't be alone anymore? It's tempting for sure.
''Rainier, I can't'', he answers with a sigh. ''I will be leaving the Empire in two years'', he answers, closing his eyes, trying to stop his fast beating heart. He can feel Rainier's warm tears on his shoulder. ''I would be leaving you''.
''Lowe'', he whispers, raising his head, his eyes filled with tears, his voice hoarse from the pain, he looks like a lost puppy. ''For two years then, let me love you just for this while'', he sounds desperate, desperate to escape the pain inside his chest, to live again without the burden of a 13 year old love.
''You want us to date for two years? And then what? What if I get used to you and I need to leave?'' His question is sincere, he's already been mentally preparing for his brother leaving the nest, if he gets used to Rainier as a lover, he might break when they come apart. ''I might be apathetic to most feelings, but I'm still human''.
''Can't we… wait to figure it out when it happens?'' He isn't sure of how to deal with it at the moment, but he knows he wants to do this.
Lowe stares deeply into Rainier red eyes, his eyes look like fire burning, a fire that someday might burn him whole. ''Will we keep it a secret? It's illegal after all''.
''I have an audience with the Emperor next week'', Rainier's words catch Lowe by surprise, as if he was thinking about marriage, not a simple relationship. ''I can't love you properly from the shadows, Lowe'', his words make sense, but his actions don't. I can't escape this pain if I need to worry about things like hiding our relationship, he thinks to himself. ''I will request an exception, I have a few points to spend and the Emperor owes me for a few things.'' He doesn't get into details, but whatever it is, it's important enough for him to be able to ask for an exception for an old and important law.
''If we're going to date, you'll need to respect Prince Nikias as well'', Lowe says, Rainier winces, frowning with discomfort. ''You wouldn't be happy if I disrespected the Crown Prince'', he states, omitting the fact that he already did so, to his face as well, and ended up choked by mana because of it.
Rainier nods. ''Very well, I'll do my best to respect the Prince and your work colleagues'', he whispers, leaning over again, breathing in Lowe's soft scent of gardenias. If he smelled like caramel I would eat him up, he thinks, placing a kiss on Lowe's neck. As if he really needed Lowe to smell sweet to eat the man up.
''Good'', the servant whispers, trying to make sense of what just happened, they just agreed to have a proper relationship, after casually sleeping with each other and arguing every single time they saw each other. It seems almost unreal, not that their feelings have developed further than it was three months ago. The only thing that changed was Rainier's request to start loving Lowe. I wonder what it will feel like? Be loved as a lover. And how different it is from brotherly love.
They're quite different types of love, but Lowe doesn't really know such a fact yet, as the only love he feels is towards his twin brother.
''So you're mine now, and I'm yours'', Rainier whispers in Lowe's ear, followed by a soft kiss that brings shivers down the servant's spine.
''Are you the possessive type?'' Lowe asks, recalling words and scenes from his brother's romance books he read in the last three months with the excuse of research. It was quite helpful to learn more about how people behave in the face of love, and not only the beautiful parts, but the ugly ones as well, like jealousy and possessiveness.
Rainier lets out a snort before placing a kiss under Lowe's right eye. ''Not that I'm aware of, no'', his answer isn't confident, but he never dated before to have any kind of parameter. ''I am monogamous though, so I don't want to share your body with others'', his words make Lowe laugh.
''My body belongs to me, though'', his answer is more of a joke, but it makes Rainier stop and think for a moment.
''Well, from now on, for two years, mine belongs to you'', his words are serious, Lowe blinks slowly, waiting for the knight to say he's joking, but he doesn't. ''So do your worst'', he whispers in the servant's ear, ''Bring forward your worst poison, I'll gladly be your test subject''.
''Why give yourself up if I'm not willing to do the same?'' His question is filled with genuine concern.
''Because that's how I love'', Rainier shrugs, ''The only thing I wouldn't do for the person I love is betray the Crown Prince'', he's honest, as his life purpose is protecting the Prince, he can't see himself doing something to go against his knight's oath even if Evangelia asked that of him.
''That doesn't sound healthy'', Lowe comments, not that he has many healthy habits, after all he trained to shut off his feelings and become a murder machine as a child.
Rainier grabs Lowe's hand, kissing the back of it tenderly, the pain inside his chest gone, as if it never existed. ''Then I'll just give you my heart, not my body'', he smirks.
Lowe laughs softly. ''Just don't take it back then'', he jokes.
But Rainier answers seriously. ''I won't''.