I think back to the day I have had, and it doesn't take long for the answer to come to me. But it doesn't bring me joy or satisfaction. If anything, it twists my stomach, and makes it churns. I blink, exhale, and lower my head, before raising it back up again as if nothing happened.
I was tormented until we arrived at the hotel, distracted even while smiling politely down in the lobby. Anyone in my place may not have felt better. Finding the world to be dark, like, so dark that light itself seems to be an illusion, and even then, it is only shining over with difficulty, can break hearts and crush spines. Finding leaden clouds about, pressing down like an unrelenting weight, and worse, shaped like a hand, giant, but belonging to someone, to some entity, one whose sight might or might not have been set on you. I dare anyone to feel better, especially when everything stops being a fantasy, and it has taken shape, and made a mess in the home supposed to be safe, its ghostly finger having ruffled through maybe just something, maybe everything, down to your intimate garments like bras and panties.
I do my best to control myself, but my chest still rises and falls, only, subtly enough to not make my breaths seem like bellows.
Only after settling in our room did my tension recede earlier, and only during the bath did everything truly melt away, wrapped and smoothen by the affectionate time with Liz.
Thinking about the torment, the darkness, the oppressive hand above, I clench my fists on the handles of the wheelchair. If that is what it takes to mute the noise of the world, how long can a heart hold on? It isn't even a matter of strength anymore. Under duress, there is always a breaking point when things snap, whether simple objects, people, or minds. Bathing in darkness all the time can't be that much better than long-term physical pain. If anything, it can only be worse.
If having to go through torment deep enough to take my breath away, pull my mind in the dark gutter, and make me feel both nauseous and feeling like just giving in, giving up under the weight of the oppressive darkness hovering overhead high above is the way to distract myself, I'd rather drown in the noise of the world.
'Poor thing, beautiful but in a wheelchair. Hahaha…'
My brows twitch. I glance at the adulteress from the corner of my eyes without being obvious, then look at the display panel above the door. Being in the same elevator as a model of depravity is not doing my appetite any good.
'But, the smaller one is not bad either. Maybe we can get her to participate in a play later. Younger ones are always easy to impress.'
The smiling tone in the thoughts floating over makes me take a deep breath, and clench the hands I have just relaxed.
Really, this woman seems like a reminder cast by the world to make me recall how much of a pollution people can be. I hate humans.
I grit my teeth, but lower my head to hide all unnaturalness from the monitoring and recording equipment in the lift. My short hair falls with my movement to throw a shade over my face as I feel what I think people call a murderous desire rise up inside me, cradled and nurtured by all the anger, darkness, and resentment I have barely started to deal with.
*Ding*
The notification sound comes like heavenly music into my ears. I don't wait for any of the other two women to react. I push the wheelchair and hurry out of the lift, focusing my mind on the greater ocean of noise outside.
'Too bad I have to get home before the moneybag is back. I hope I will meet you again later, sweety.'
My heart skips a beat, and I almost stumble, taking a moment before understanding that those were still just thoughts, certainly directed at me, but with no intention of having me hear them, unlike what 'Mike' did a week ago.
I pause, and exhale, soothing as much as possible the chaos in my chest, even though the cocktail of anxiousness, anger, resentment, hatred, and so on, can only be kept at bay.
I force myself to slow down, and I'm distracted when I feel Liz move. I thought she noticed something, and was about to turn up to me. But she just adjusts herself and points at a table beside the window.
"Max, let's go there. It has been a while since–"
"Sis…"
"Hm?"
She pauses with my interruption, and curiously looks up at me with an inquiring smile.
"What is it, Max?"
I slow down, and stop, and look into the smiling violet eyes that seem like they would never lose their lights. Though, they bring me back to that day they held hope, and despair.
I take another breath, and speak slowly, softly, calmly:
"Sis, we will need to talk."
Liz pauses. I can feel her body freezing for a second, her eyes flashing with a shadow that seems downcast, but also seems to hold a sigh, before disappearing. The lights that have been shadowed come back in the next second, and Liz smiles like she is not the one who just froze. Her smile brightens, but while carrying a soft glow, and she moves to place her hand on mine.
She looks me deep in the eyes, and suddenly, my heart is soothed by the gentleness inside her violet gems, easily succeeding where I have failed, where I have not even been able to muster much desire to try.
"I know."
The addictive darkness recedes again, just like that time at the hospital, just like an hour or so earlier outside our home, just like now, in the bathroom.
My breath becomes smoother, and I nod with a soft sound of assent.
"Hm."
Liz's smile grows, and she turns back to point at the window side table again and continue her earlier words with a contagious cheerfulness:
"Let's go. I will finally eat something other than the hospital food. I can't wait to enjoy myself once again after so long!"
I forget the disgusting human-shaped pollution wrapped in a fur coat from the elevator. I also ignore to the best of my abilities the floating ocean of thoughts in the restaurant. I smile and roll my eyes:
"You can eat, sis, but I will be watching you."
"Oh, no~ Can't I enjoy myself? I have been suffering!"
"Then you will just have to think well before ordering."
"Humph! You are not fun anymore. You were cuter when you were smaller."
"Hehehe… I'm still the cutest."