Was it even possible to be this dumb?
I still regretted the moment Mr Saito called me to the staff's room. "Arata, you're the top student in the school -and her classmates. If you help her, she might finally understand better….I hope."
Tutor who?
Who was Amano Yumiko again?
The girl who scored a 28 on the last midterms? A test out of 100!
Why would I waste my time teaching her?
But I couldn't say no.
"I talked with your father. He said you would take care of it," he said.
Now I couldn't even refuse, with what he said and my father's voice still in my head -you'd better keep that top spot and reputation, Arata.
I knew if Mr Saito told him I refused, I'd never hear the end of it.
So, I agreed.
Well, not after a grounded argument with Mr Saito on the reasons I couldn't help tutor her, that was totally useless.
The biggest mistake of my life. Agreeing to tutor her!
The first class was a total failure.
Instead of her books, she brought her lunch. I managed to bottle up the anger and annoyance I felt.
I tore a sheet of paper from my notebook and handed her my pen. I haven't even collected it back from her up till now. The questions were simple -even Nao could solve them, and she was in elementary school.
I kept wondering,
How did she make it to grade 11?
How is she in my class?
Even when I was correcting her mistakes and criticising her faults, she kept smiling and grinning like an idiot. Like it was a compliment.
It was so ridiculous, I almost laughed.
Cram school wasn't far from home if I took the train. There was a mock test, and my scores were the best -as usual.
I took the train. Got home around past eight pm. I opened the door, and the first thing to welcome me back was voices.
"You're never home," Mom's voice trembled. "Do you even care about this family anymore?"
Dad's reply came sharp," I am working to keep this family!"
I dropped my bag at the entrance, slipping off my shoes quietly. My schedule had already eaten half of my night, and this….this was what I came home to?
"I passed the mock test again", I said flatly. The words felt like they didn't belong. They both turned toward me. Dad's eyes barely lifted "I didn't expect less. Keep it that way".
That was it.
No "good job" or "I'm proud of you". Just an order dressed as a compliment.
Mom sighed heavily and glared at him. "Can't you even say you're proud of your son?"
"He doesn't need praise for doing what's expected."
I stood there for a second. It was like being invisible in your own home. Could it even be called a home -I didn't feel the warmth, not anymore. The air was too thick.
I turned and walked past them. They didn't even bother stopping me, their voices blending again into another round of who's right and who's wrong.
Nao's room light was still on. I knocked softly. The door wasn't closed, so I let myself in.
My little sister was sitting in the corner, face buried in her cat plushie.
"You still awake? Huh?" I said as I walked over to her.
"Oni-chan, you're late. Why?" she asked, looking at me. Her face filled with pity.
"I'm sorry. Their fight scared you, didn't it?"
She nodded and held her plushie closer to herself.
Nao had learnt to stop crying when it didn't help her situation. She had no one to go to, and I was the only available option, but I was too busy. She was always quiet and timid at home and even among her friends at school."
"You should sleep," I reached for her blanket and covered her.
"Stay with me," she said drowsily.
She dozed off after a few minutes. I switched off her lights and went to my room.
My room was silent when I closed the door. I tossed my bag on the floor and rested my head on the wall, staring at the white ceiling.
I could still hear their mumbled voices from my room.
When would they stop?
Didn't they ever get tired?
I lay on my bed and closed my eyes.
When I was younger, I thought all homes were like mine. Sad. Unhappy. Strict. Parents who didn't love themselves and fought all the time.
My dad had once said to me when I was around the age of 4. "If you want peace, you need results"
I didn't understand what he meant then, but as I grew older, the truth hit me. Especially when I started doing poorly in elementary school. Father treated me differently and ignored me. I felt neglected.
I wanted his attention. So I worked harder and gained the best grades in school.
I studied as if my life depended on it, maybe harder than the smartest students. All my spare time was dedicated to studying. Soon enough, I didn't know what I was reading for. My dad only ever acknowledged my achievements. He never praised me but told me to do better. Like I wasn't already doing my best.
Who was I doing all this for?
I remembered Mr Saito's words, "Help her to improve. You're the only one suitable for this."
Was I, though?
The girl was annoying, but she seemed so carefree. I wondered if dumbness was a disease. If I spent too much time with her, would I also be able to do what I want and not give a care?
It wasn't fair.
How could someone live so freely when I'd never been allowed to?
I drifted to sleep, thinking about how my tutoring would go. I didn't even change from my uniform, but I couldn't be bothered. I was used to this.
My alarm rang at the supposed time. I had to wake Nao up and prepare her for school. My mom would say she was too exhausted to deal with anyone, and I should be a responsible elder brother and take care of it.
She might have made breakfast, or not. By the time I was ready for school, my dad was out of the house and long gone on another business trip.
"We'll see you later, Mom," I said as I put on my shoes, Nao's hands so small in mine.
"Hmm…" She grumbled from the couch, her attention never leaving her phone.
The house was silent, cold and too neat. Like a family from a script of a movie.
The perfect family! Others would think.
I laughed at the thought…. perfect family?….
The walk to the bus station was only a few minutes. It would've been faster to take the train and even faster with the car, but Nao preferred the bus. The bus dropped us off at Nao's elementary school, Seigo Elementary.
"Nii-chan, bye-bye! Don't come late, please" Her voice was so soft, it almost blended with the sound of laughter of the children.
I nodded, "I'll try."
She gave me one more big hug before she ran off to join her friends. Her ponytail bounced around as she ran to meet them.
The train station was empty, with only a few students and adults. I paid for my ticket with my Suica card and entered the train. I much preferred the train to the bus because it was efficient and time-saving.
As usual, the businessmen were all standing, holding onto the train bars, while most of the females were comfortably seated. I sat in a space, but eventually got up when an elder was looking at me. Some high schoolers were reading like me, while others were wasting their time chatting. I'd seen this all so many times.
The school was silent when I got there, just like I preferred it to be. I was the first student in my class, as usual. I hung my bag beside my table and brought out my notes to read.
Yes! This was my routine. My life. My schedule. It had always been like this.
I focused on the notes on my table, letting the silence take over.
Classes were always a blur. My mind couldn't focus on things I'd learnt and repeated over and over again. I just watched.
Mr Saito gave me a glance that translated to you-know-what-you-have-to-do. He winked a little bit, obviously at me, before he left the class.
I was tired, yet I had to deal with this Amano Yumiko?
Why her?
It could have been someone else, not some airheaded dummy.
I huffed and rolled my eyes when the bell for break rang.
No way I was going to walk up to Amano-san and tell her to come. She is the one who wants to learn, not me.
I went to the library immediately, only to be surprised that the Amano girl was waiting at the corner.
With her books this time, though, she still brought her bento.
"Sensei-" She grinned like an idiot as I walked over.
My skin crawled in annoyance, and I had to bite my lips back from saying something I didn't want to say.
"-I brought my books this time. I didn't forget….hehe"
What was this?
I sighed and rolled my eyes at her, blocking my ears from all her unnecessary comments.
"The correction. Let's start!"
I tried my best to explain to her, but it seemed her mind was on Mars and far from Earth.
"Do you understand that part?" I asked, but the girl was just grinning foolishly at everything I was saying.
"Yup, I totally get it, Sensei"
Sure, she did.
I didn't believe her, so I gave her a question to solve. Similar to what I'd been explaining.
Total disappointment.
Why was I wasting time like this?
But I couldn't get my father's voice out of my head. It was stuck there. Permanently. Forever.
"What are all these doodles? You multiplied the value by the wrong coefficient" I tapped my hand furiously at her book.
"The doodle? I thought they were cute, didn't you?"
What a stupidly odd girl.
I sighed, clenching my teeth together. I mustn't lose it, I repeated like a chant under my breath. "You got the question wrong. You said you understand. Are you sure?" I asked her sternly.
She smiled again.
Again with the smile. Why was she smiling?
Was all this entertaining to her?
"No, I actually don't get it that well, but I promise if you explain really slowly, I'll understand it."
I rolled my eyes and sighed really loudly.
I spent all of lunch time explaining a concept, something Nao would understand if I explained it to her.
Lunch was over, so I gave her an assignment she would do and submit tomorrow.
I didn't feel she understood all that I was saying. She was busy grinning like the idiot she was, rather than paying attention.
"Thank you, sensei! I'll be sure to submit the assignment tomorrow," she gathered her books and left the library, grinning ear to ear like an idiot.
Immediately school was over, I didn't wait for even a second before I left.
The halls were filled with girls laughing, waving at me as I knew them and giggling as I scurried past them.
Weird creatures, I often thought.
Tomorrow would be stressful as my schedule was even tighter.
I sighed as I stepped onto the bus to cram school.