I was baffled by Ms. Mona's words. I could only stare down at my right hand, clenching it a few times in disbelief. She smiled at me, happy as ever.
Normally I would be smiling back at someone who's doing the same… but realizing that I had such a huge responsibility was stressing me out.
I always wanted to uncover what lies behind the physical world, but it's happening so quickly. I sighed to myself, falling back into bed before staring at the ceiling above me.
"Is something wrong, Emmeline?" Asked the Supervisor.
"Ms. Mona."
"…Yes? What is it?"
"Hypothetically speaking; what if someone doesn't want this sort of power." I crossed my arms as I lay down, "What could they do to get rid of it?" I asked in a way that was concealing my anxiety. Normally when I was anxious my voice cracks.
Mona gave me a puzzled look, sitting there in silence before resting her finger against her chin, humming in thought.
I waited for an answer.
It felt like an eternity.
I was scared to hear her response, I don't know why… but it felt gut-wrenching.
"From what I heard, Apotheosis only switches to a new body after their previous host has died."
I closed my eyes, huffing a deep sigh…
"However…"
"Huh?"
I sat up in haste, looking at the Supervisor, hopeful as ever.
"There have been cases where the host forcefully gives Apotheosis to another person, leaving them to be the next hope of humanity. That usually happens when the wielder's emotions are negative to the point where Apotheosis cannot function properly, thus, having to switch bodies."
I was smiling at first, but that last bit made me cringe.
"Negative emotions huh?"
"Indeed. Ether can cause different phenomena around the user depending on their emotions. Showing too much negative emotions can lead to nihilism."
I stared blankly as ever, twisting my face into confusion. "Nihilism?" I mean, I heard the term before, but what does it mean when referring to Wizards and Ether?
"Nihilism is a dangerous state." Mona glared at me, serious as ever, "If one doesn't control their negative emotions, they become dangerous. Not only for themselves but for everyone around them. That is why we Wizards execute those who undergo immense Nihilism."
I widened my eyes, only blinking at her words. It sounded dangerous from the way she was explaining it… but maybe she was overreacting.
"I-I still don't get what it does…" I mumbled, stuttering in my voice from anxiety.
"If one undergoes Nihilism then they are more of a threat than the Phantasms. Nihilism is a state of mind—it corrupts the body, mind, and soul—consuming everything around it, and rejecting it from existence."
"What the hell? Why would someone's own Ether do something like that?" I could only stare in awe at her words.
"It's from the collective consciousness; if our fears, traditions, and rumors can create uncanny creatures, then it is only susceptible that our negative emotions can create such a state of being." She looked away from me as if something was on her mind. "Negative emotions are fuel to Nihilism, but the amount of negative emotions required to reach that stage of being would have to be oceans worth."
I crossed my arms, trembling in my lips. I was scared to even say anything from her change of tone, but I mustered up the courage, responding, "Sounds like something that only vengeful people could accomplish."
"I'm afraid not."
"Huh? Really!?"
"Even if one dedicated their entire life to revenge, hatred, and cruelty, it wouldn't be enough to reach nihilism. It is only a state that can be achieved through pain and suffering that transcends human comprehension."
Ah I see, in other words… it's impossible.
At least from the way it sounds.
"So I would need to reach a state of being like nihilism to get rid of Apotheosis? That's literally impossible…"
"Oh? So you are trying to get rid of Apotheosis, is that what you're saying, Emmeline?"
I widened my eyes, realizing my screw-up.
"Uhm… no, no no! I-I was just asking for future causes… just in case uh, some big bad guy shows up and curses Apotheosis, turning me evil or something!" I pumped my elbow, sweating nervously as possible. "You never know! Ahahaha!"
"Pfft, Ba ha ha! You're funny! Your energy matches with my brothers! Me and you are going to get along just fine."
I mutated my false smile into a genuine smirk, blushing at her words.
I rubbed the back of my head, scratching my scalp.
"I-I'm not good when it comes to compliments… but, uhh, thanks, I guess?"
"Of course." Mona stood up from the bed, walking towards her desk to collect some papers. "By the way, dear, you are aware of your disability, correct?"
"My disability?" I lifted my brows until it suddenly clicked with me. "Oh… you mean my Asthma? Y-Yeah, I'm well aware. But wait, isn't Yoh suppose to deal with something like that?"
She looked hesitant to respond, but Mona nodded, saying, "Yes… naturally, it would cure something like Asthma, but I'm afraid even I don't know the reasoning behind this. When I checked your vitals and ran tests on your body, your Ether functioned differently."
Something that even the health supervisor doesn't know? Man, I'm getting scared.
"W-What do you mean by my Ether functioned differently?"
Mona stacked her papers neatly, putting them inside a folder. "Emmeline. Apotheosis, what form did it take?"
She became stagnant, awaiting my answer.
I glanced around the room, flustered. "Uhh… she's actually part of my body. I wished for Apotheosis to stay in my right arm… desiring to be the balance of the world, kinda like a superhero." I cringed at myself, kicking my legs up and down under the covers as I hid my face. "Ughhh, I know it sounds cringey, okay?! I was just in the heat of the moment! I had no choice but to do it, otherwise, me and Matilda would've died!!"
Mona giggled at me.
"Fufufu. So that's it, you wished for Apotheosis to become the balance of the world. Well, that explains it."
My body was under the covers, hiding my embarrassed expression.
Curling into a ball, I mumbled; "It does?"
"Yes. I'm afraid you'll be unable to use the five elements of Ether to its full extent, which is why you still retain some of your disabilities such as Asthma. This desire of yours is balancing everything it comes into contact with, including your Ether itself."
I slowly peeked my head from under the covers, seeing Mona's butt directly in front of my face. She was bending down to check the drawer by the bed.
I could only shrink back into the covers, hiding myself again.
"So, what you're saying is… my ability is always active, and I don't even need to summon Apotheosis to use it?"
"Correct. Whatever you touch with your right hand will bring balance to it."
"I still don't get it. What does it mean to bring balance to something?"
"That's what I should be asking you, Emmeline."
I paused at her words and tried thinking back to when I awakened Equilibrium.
What balance did I want to bring to the world? What was I so keen on doing?
But then, I remembered.
My brain was still a little fuzzy, but it was coming back to me again.
"I… want to destroy all things I find abnormal, that is the balance I want for the world."
Mona would pat my head through the covers.
"That is something that the Magus Association has desired for ages, Emmeline… but I believe that you're capable of bringing that balance, with you and Apotheosis."
"A-Are you sure it's Apotheosis that's causing this? I mean… I find Ether to be abnormal, so shouldn't that make me Etherless?"
"I'm afraid not. Apotheosis is still Ether itself, so you should still be able to utilize its qualities to your liking, however, it won't be to its full extent, considering you're a walking paradox already."
I face-planted into the mattress underneath the covers, releasing an extended sigh.
My brain was still fuzzy, so trying to take this in all at once was getting to me, very slowly.
"Rest here for a few more days, Emmeline, and you should be free to leave. It's only a matter of time. Ether-restoration takes a while, especially for someone like you who denies it."
I groaned, saying, "Was that last part supposed to make me feel better? Because it sure didn't help."
Mona giggled at me. "Enjoy this moment while you have it, Guinevere isn't gonna go easy on you once you've recovered your energy. After all, you're part of the Combat Division now, so you'll be training underneath the senior students… who aren't so nice."
I rolled back and forth under the covers, whining.
"Ugh, don't make it worse! I'd rather hear jet engines up close than listen to your hopeless words!"
I could hear Mona laugh at me once more before opening the door and closing it behind her.
She left with the stack of papers, and also some other items inside her hand while I was still underneath the covers.
"I'm so screwed…"