I can't help but ponder how it would be,how it would factually feel,To Just Be. I spent every second consumed inside my head,conveying versions of me that one specific human being expects to see right through me. EVERY human being. And so,I stay up all night,tracing the tracks,navigating through everyone's expectations but running deep into how they are inssupprebly proud of not acknowledging my capabilities but only grateful for my presence. It triggers my soul,nevermind my mind and heart that's screaming "You are not doing hard enough." SIX WORDS. That's what it took to drive me back to the edge,hang over the cliff while my feet hangs freely down to my downfall. And now I wonder,"
Is it imperative to passionately put your mind,Body and Soul out of the virtuousness of your heart only to be preparing your own coffin?"
"Sweetheart?" A voice from outside my bedroom broke me off my constant thoughts.
"Yes,Mother come on in." I answered, wiping off the tears from my face and sitting up straight in my bed.
The door clicked open and my mom walked in.
"Awwwwww baby." She sat next to me on the bed and brought me into a hug."It's alright, it's all going to pass somehow soon."
It felt like the world was so dark and cold and I shivered in every pain it hit me with.
"I don't know if i can do this without him mother." I cried, breaking off the hug.
"Yes you can. Your mind is still overwhelmed by the idea of the new reality you must now face,it's still sorely sore." She said,cupping my face and staring intensely in my watery eyes.
"Heartbreak is just like grief,their wounds are like a sore injected plague that dwells on one's soul whether it's of life or death but that's how life is phased out to be. We meet,bond and apart with others in order to learn more that there is to life. That's what we call experiences,my baby. Some are heaven, some wild and some taste like salt but they all shape us into being the human beings we're supposedly destined to be."
She was right. I knew that she was but somehow her truth only stabbed into my heart more than it had already been.
"I know,mother.I know."
"If you know, get up and go to your favorite place. Talk to the world with your silence, let it all out till you can breathe." She said with an encouraging smile.
She meant my escaping spot. I would go there everytime I felt like the world was heavy or just out of my control.
"Will do so." I said smiling weakly, hugging her one last time.
"Come on," She stood up and dragged me out of bed." The shower is awaiting for your presence my queen. " She joked
We both laughed.
"I love you,sweetheart." And she left the room.
Exhaling heavily,I said underneath my breath," i love you too,mother."
I looked at the view before my eyes and I just knew he was the only fixation my soul needed. I was dependent of him,his love. Unquestionably. But still,he left me.
I closed my eyes and took a deep slow breath, calming my mind before it couldn't lose it's sanity behavior and throw the portrait I had in my hands across the wall. A portrait he had gave me one day,"The beauty of our love deserves an art,we are the art." Those were his words while he handed me the huge portrait, tears of unimaginable happiness drooling through my face as I thought of how lucky and madly inlove he was driving me with all his words,actions and the ways he conveyed his love to me. So sentimental always.
But now I stand in between the same walls,ontop of the same ground I had stood on to hang the art that held my entire soul for the longest time, but in contradiction...I removed it.
Anger. Despair.
I was fuming in all reference point of every emotion imaginable. I have worshipped him in every shred of his liars,held him closely to me when his world was trembling, when he needed a safe closet far away from the ugly world....I sheltered his soul like it was mine.
Out at the lake I wandered about,trying to get a sense of serenity,deep thinking and a pleasant alone time to my own thoughts and feelings. I sat down at the wooden deserted chair,lake view at my presence. Streams of running lake water sound fulfilling the core of my ear,closing my eyes and giving in to the silence.
" Absence.....Absence hear thou my protestation. Against Thy strength.Distance.And Length. Do what thou canst for alteration. For hearts of truest mettle. Absence doth still. And time doth settle. "
I opened my eyes after reciting what my mother used to say to herself whenever her soul was disturbed,or rather simply lost.
I tried not to think too much of the heartbreak I was going through but my mind wouldn't wander off of it.Again and again.....Pickering at a festering sore better left untouched.
My heart was of a swollen infected wound,my ears disposing of the disturbing sounds of a ringing bell. Like the one you'd hear when you know you've smoked too much weed and it brought you to the highness of its fire. To catch a panic attack at an unheralded tick of time while my mind was bargaining with having to let it all go,to cease the sudden relentless my aching heart was concealed of. I tried, I tried listening to my own mind but the heart was pierced into two pieces each telling me its side of a story.
To imagine life without him,a new journey to walk through Alone. But I felt adrift,anchorless in a running lake.
Heartbreak is know to be a slow-motion crash to the soul.Tastes almost like graveyard dirt,smells like burning daffodils, tulips...a variety of burning flowers. Feels like violence, sounds like a roaring storm in the midst of a lost forest.
After a few hours,I took out my phone and called my friend,Anna.
"Hey,Ann." I beamed through the call,"where are you?"
"Hey,you. Im over at my house,what's going on?"
"Wanna go grab some tacos and shots at Millie's diner?"
"Girl,I'll be there in two." She said excitedly.
Anna has always been one person i would spend my time with whenever I was not around Parker. We were close to each other and right now,I needed her more than ever.
"Ada! Its so good to see you." Anna exclaimed as she pulled me into a hug.
I stood up from the chair,"Its good to see you too Ann."
"How have you been?" She asked,with of us sitting down.
"Good." I answered quickly, getting a quench of my drink.
She furrowed her eyebrows at me,seeking the truthful answer.
"Fine." I exhaled, "It has been such a fucken hard time and I just feel like its a circle everyday with all my thoughts,pain and emotions. I fear im letting it devour all of me everyday, the same way." I muttered.
She sighed,"I guess we will never know the real reason why Parker ended things but I know this for sure,you are so worthy to be loved by someone else again okay?"
I gave out a little dry laugh," Oh,no! I am certainly not looking to be around any men anytime soon. I want to focus on me for a while."
"Well, lets see..." She pointed out sarcastically,"you are the most gorgeous girl i know, you are crazingly smart,you have a hot body, your aura is just nothing like anyone's."
"True that.But stil-"
"Oh and let's not forget the last one,that you are dangerously crazy and you know, psychopaths usually attracts love." She joked
"You are such a fool." I laughed, throwing a cucumber at her.
We both laughed hard.
We indulged into lots of tacos,shots and many conversations at the diner. It felt good to finally let out a laughter after all the misery I was going through, Anna knew just how to wash that away at the moment. She had a certain charisma, unbeatable to become consumed of while you're in her presence.
There was no way that I would not get better or feel the world to be sane and good once again but I needed some change to speed that up.
Loss is horrible, and if one is not careful enough, she might drown away into it. And I wasn't willing to.
But I wasn't willing to be drown,so I kept on going on. But I wasn't willing to gage...
So I let myself bury deep down into my own grateful soul.
....
"Taylor Swift- Bigger Than The Whole Sky "