There is a question that keeps popping into my mind that I don't understand. Feelings—what does it mean to feel?What does it mean to have feelings? I always wanted to understand and to have a clear idea about what feelings are. We feel sad, happy, excited, disappointed, grief… But are those our real feelings? How do we choose to feel? Is it our will to choose what to feel in a specific situation, or is it something controlled by an unknown power? Because no matter what the situation is, we sometimes get unknown feelings that there is no word that can describe, something mysterious beyond our understanding. That's what leads to the identity of feelings. I think feelings are the most complicated matter that ever exists.
I was drawn into my thoughts during school break. I went to my usual spot on the rooftop when I heard something, something pretty. For a moment I was dazzled by the sound. It was so sweet and smooth I just sat there listening to it. Suddenly it stopped. I stood up, and I went slowly to the place where the sound was coming from; it was behind the wall I was sitting beside. He was just sitting there holding his guitar, his blonde hair and his colorful eyes surrounded by the sunshine. At that exact moment I didn't know how to feel; there were a lot of feelings, but I couldn't choose what to feel. While I was just looking at him, he looked at me, and he just kept staring at me without saying anything.
I walked towards him while staring at him and I said,
"What are you doing here?"
Those were the only words that I could say in that situation. He never stopped staring at me with those eyes as if he were talking to me, but somehow I could hear him; there is something bothering him, and it is hurting him. At this moment exactly I felt it—that I really asked God to heal him as soon as possible because I know what it feels like.
"You are the last person that I never wanted to see me like that. Do you know, Mara, life is so complicated, or is it us who are complicated? No matter how hard it is, I try to forget, but I can't. Why do we keep remembering things we want to forget and forget things we want to remember?"
I kept only staring at him because I don't have any answer, and I wish that I had; maybe at that moment I could have at least made him feel at ease.
"Don't worry, Mara. I'm fine; it's just sometimes it feels too heavy to live in this world and with those people."
He gets closer to me; he took off his scarf and he hides his hands with it. Then he took my hands and says,
"But if it's you, Mara, I can't lose it. Call me stupid, but only looking at you makes me feel alive, Mara. Your presence encourages me to fight all my struggles and keep living for you, only you."
As always, he makes me speechless. I was confused about what he said, I just smiled to him, and I see that his eyes are becoming brighter and his usual smile is filling the place
"Let's do it together, Raza."
That was my only answer to him; he held my hands tightly, and his smile got bigger.
"I didn't know that you can play the guitar." "Yes, I do. I learned it by myself. When I feel down like today, I start to play it randomly to calm myself." "What you played earlier, can you play it again?"
He takes the guitar, and he starts playing with its strings to make these beautiful sounds, his hands going through the strings as if he goes through my feelings one by one. We just sat there amazed by the wonderful music, forgetting everything around us.
"Heartstrings" "What do you mean?" I said in confusion, "Let's call this piece Heartstrings, a piece only for me and you."