A deep groan slowly slipped out of him as consciousness slowly seeped back into him. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to delay the inevitable knowing that once he was properly awake, he would need to face the crushing weight of the previous day's events along with the repercussions and giving explanations. Every muscle ached, a testament to the brutal exhaustion that had finally claimed him after a night of unthinkable decisions and profound loss. The bitter taste of the poison could still faintly be tasted on his tongue. He yearned for just a few more moments away from reality, even though his new friends helped him ease the weight and guilt he had been feeling it didn't mean it was entirely gone, with a sigh he slowly forced himself up and stretched, getting the kinks out his muscles, it was time to face the music whether he wanted to or not.
"Glad to see you're finally awake fearless leader," Ash's voice cut through the haze, sharp and laced with a mix of impatience and barely concealed concern. "Are you finally going to explain what's happened and what the hell happened to Alice?"
John rubbed a hand over his face, feeling the forming's of a slight beard along with the weariness etched deep into his features. He refused to meet her gaze at first, leaving a heavy silence hanging between them before finally speaking, half tired plea and half order. "Just... go get everyone together, I don't want to repeat things multiple times so I'll tell you and everyone else what happened together." He sighed, running a hand through his tangled hair. "Just... need to freshen up first and figure out the best way to explain it that will have the desired result." Ash, seeing the exhaustion and traces of grief still present in his eyes and the subtle tremble in his hand, gave a reluctant nod as she turned to do as he asked, she seemed to hesitate for a moment though, casting looks back at him and seemingly wanting to say something but instead shook her head and left.
It was almost ten minutes later when John finally made his way to the group gathered infront of the canteen. He'd forgone breakfast for the time being, wanting to get this over with as soon as he could, already deciding on what to say and how to say it, having readied himself to face the music. The moment he stepped in front of them he could feel the, the tension. Everyone was there, forming a loose semi-circle, their faces a mixture of confusion, anxiety and silent accusation, no doubt already discussing what he had done. Elena stood close to the surprisingly stoic Old Man and Z all of whom didn't seem bothered, while the Twins, Jim and Tim, hovered with the other support girls further to the side, their expressions a blend of fear and curiosity. Ash and Saya, however, were standing between these two clearly formed groups, their gazes fixed on him and clearly demanding answers. Saya's stare was particularly intense, a silent challenge mixed with a deeper, unreadable worry that betrayed her usual calm he had seen from her previously.
Then there were the newer additions he had little interaction with, Nick, the seasoned gatherer, his usually jovial face etched with concern; Smith, the quiet mineral vein maker, fidgeting nervously; and Cliff, the perpetually focused city planner, looking oddly bewildered, his plans momentarily forgotten. Their confusion was amplified by the absence of the guards, the usual protectors, a glaring void where familiar faces should have been having been too busy with their own projects up till then to pay attention to the happenings around them.
John took a deep, shuddering breath, the chilled morning air doing little to steady his resolve. He felt every eye on him, every unspoken question. "So, yesterday, a lot happened," he began, his voice flat and as devoid of emotion as he could manage with the storm that raged within him. This was the hardest part, the admission of failure and his parts in it. "There was an attack well I, along with Alice and Ash where in talks with a merchant and.. and we lost Alice because of me." He didn't soften the blow, he couldn't. It was a raw wound, freshly inflicted and still bothered him regardless of what Oleg had tried to do. "I won't lie. It was due to my own incompetence. I should have joined the fight sooner but I was hesitant to take the life of other humans and that cost us Alice." A wave of murmurs rippled through the group, a collective gasp of disbelief. How could they have lost Alice? She had been with them after the battle, hadn't she? The narrative felt incomplete, unsettling. "Then, when I woke up, I went and demanded to know where our fighters where and what they where during that fight. No doubt you all heard and felt it." Most nodded slowly, exchanging uneasy glances, the memory of his furious roar still fresh in their minds.
"I was angry already at seeing how I had become this. Extremely so and beyond pissed after I heard what they were doing at the time. I was ready to punish them for their actions, or rather lack thereof" John continued, his eyes scanning the faces, not lingering on any, fearing what he might see as he took another deep breath. "They should have been able to notice such a large enemy force coming or at least investigated all the noises. Saya at the time did the right thing. She first helped where she could around the camp, ensuring the gas bottles in the kitchen were okay while she was there before coming to investigate. The Twins, exhausted as they were also came to investigate what was going on without caring that they needed some rest. Yet, those who were supposed to protect us were having a laugh together, without a care in the world, not bothering to even try and investigate the noises or have anyone on patrol. It took Ash coming to get them to finally have them do something and at that time the twins and Saya had already begun to head out." His voice hardened, a flicker of the previous day's consuming fury crossing his face, a red haze that had clouded his judgment at the time that he quickly shook away. "I was ready to punish them for being so lax with everyone's protection but I was blinded by anger even further when the head of their group began saying he could lead better and pretty much told me he wanted to take over well trying to blackmail me." John paused, a chilling silence descending upon the yard, the gravity of his next words palpable. "I snapped entirely at that point. Instead of seeing red I was practically seeing black and gave into my anger as cold as it was at that point. I had actually met another merchant earlier and had called them in to take them away. Sold them to the other merchant as punishment." His face was neutral, almost as emotionless as his tone, a blank mask that managed, if barely to hide the storm of emotions he was feeling. A shiver ran through the support girls, who instinctively moved closer together, their eyes wide with fear, matching what they had just heard with what they had been through previously. Saya's eyes narrowed though as she subtly shifted, placing herself slightly in front of them protectively, yet even so something still seemed off, even the shadow's she saw and whispers were screaming that there was more to it, that he wasn't telling them everything yet even so, the message was clear to all of them: John was capable of ruthless decisions beyond what they imagined and that had now caused the stability of their small community, once thought secure to shatter.
Then came the next, even more brutal confession, the one that tore at the last remnants of his composure and cemented the decisions for a number of them. "As for Alice," John said, after another deep, bracing breath, his gaze momentarily distant, lost in a place of profound sorrow. "I took her yesterday evening and gave her a painless death." The words hung in the air, heavy and final, a death knell for hope. "She was no longer human and—"
Before he could explain further, Jim, one of the twins, erupted, his grief and anger boiling over. "So, you killed her!" he roared, his face contorted with visible anger, fear and betrayal. "You trade away people and then kill someone who is supposed to be close with you! Just because she wasn't human anymore? You fucken killed her for such a stupid reason!" His brother, Tim, immediately placed a calming hand on Jim's shoulder, his own face pale with shock, trying to quell the storm but his own anger just as palpable.
John merely stared back, his expression unwavering, though his heart ached with every accusation. "Those who want to leave can," he stated, his voice devoid of a single crack, a single tremor of regret. "I'm not going to stop anyone and I'm not going to try and explain further, its clear everyone has already made their choice and decisions already, you've all made up your minds in regards to me so further words would be pointless. Your free to take as much food and equipment as you feel you need within two hours if you want to leave. But I am going to explain why I did what I did regardless if you want to listen or believe me or not." His detached tone seemed to ignite Jim's fury further, but Tim, sensing the futility of arguing with a man so utterly broken and resolute, gently tugged his brother away, heading towards the supply depot with a look of profound disappointment. The support girls, looking utterly distraught and exchanging tearful glances quickly followed them, their hopes for safety seemingly shattered. Nick, the gatherer and Smith, the mineral vein maker, exchanged a few bewildered glances, their practical minds seemed to be struggling on what choice to make before quietly joining the exodus, their steps heavy with uncertainty but choice made. The silence they left behind was deafening, the space they occupied feeling suddenly vast and empty, a stark image of betrayal and abandonment.
Only a handful remained, a stark testament to the trust shattered and then, perhaps, hesitantly rebuilt. The Old Man and Z stood their ground, their seasoned eyes fixed on John, their expressions unreadable but observant. Saya, her initial anger now giving way to a mix of worry and confusion her stance rigid as she tried to make out what the whispers were saying and to understand why the shadows seemed to be favoring him after what he had confessed to doing. Jason, the city planner, oddly enough seemed almost uncaring about what had happened, his mind already spinning with new defense strategies and buildings they could use to make up for the recent losses along with ways to prevent unknown forces from getting close one more in the future alongside a flicker of professional interest in the group's changed dynamics, seemingly taking it as a challenge. Elena and Ash were also still there, Ash looking directly at him and seemingly demanding more of answers well Elena simply nodded, having accepted her master's actions as something that was needed to be done, holding a distaste towards those he had trusted but finding an odd feeling of regret in regards to Alice that she couldn't seem to understand.
John looked at the diminished circle, a flicker of despair momentarily crossing his face. "Alice," he began again, his voice softening ever so slightly, a tremor of pain finally breaking through the neutral façade. "She was poisoned by those mutant things in the fight. It was causing mind-breaking pain I can't even begin to image, I was lightly scraped by it and it felt beyond words, she was hit multiple times and ad far more of it in her system, when she was brought back here..." He paused, swallowing hard, the memory clearly a fresh wound that twisted his gut. "The Lord of Wax, Jamerson seemed to have been trusted with healing her for reasons I can't begin to understand and instead of helping her or healing her he, he turned her into a wax creature. He filled her up, coated her inside and out with a special wax he could make that locked her in that form. It was a torture beyond words, a perpetual agony of a living death not only because she had, for all intents and purposes become a doll of wax and flesh but because it also locked the poison that caused agonizing pain within her system, it wasn't purged but kept in place meaning she was in pure agony even well all that happened and got forced to feel it till she died." His jaw tightened, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. "I killed him for it and I even destroyed his house, having Elena drag it as deep into the ground as possible, I lost myself once again to my anger after finding out what he did, a rage I hadn't known I possessed. Oddly I recently learnt it was because it wasn't my own, not that it makes things any better though," The raw tone he delivered it in sent a ripple of unease across them yet also a flicker of understanding as they now realized part of why he killed Alice. "I didn't kill her because she stopped being human. I killed her because she was locked in a state of pain that she was forced to feel endlessly. I had no way to undo what was done. I even asked Z over there for some way, any way to reverse it or even just bring the old her back well blocking the pain but it was impossible. Even resurrecting her wouldn't have work because, according to Z her very essence was altered by what had been done to trap her in that horrific form. Bringing her back would have brought the doll back rather than the original her." His voice cracked, tears finally welling in his eyes betraying the stoic face he tried to maintain. He quickly brushed them away with the back of his hand, forcing his face back into a mask of neutrality, refusing to drown in his grief. "So, I went and gave her a peaceful end, in a place that I felt was special to her, the first place we actually spent a night together back when everything first changed. I even had a statue made and protected, as a memorial to her, so her spirit might finally rest and peace, I did it with my own hand as it was me who had caused it to happen to her with my inaction and lack of proper filtering of the people I took in."
A chilling understanding seemed to wash over them as his words sank in and they saw the pain his actions had caused him, Saya's previous anger had completely vanished, now replaced by shock and a strange aching sorrow as she looked at him, now understanding why the shadows still favored him and the whispers all but demanding she stay. "And how would you know?" she asked softly, her voice barely a whisper, a tremor of fear in her tone. "How would you know she was in pain or what had happened to her with such detail?"
"It's my class," John explained, trying to sound clinical despite the fresh sting of grief. "Pretty much it semes useless because it ensures I will always be second best in everything but requires me to at least gain some experience to take effect, I bought the basic appraisal skill from Z and my class, after using it on the various items in their store slowly began to up it to its current point. I used it on Jamerson and then on Alice. It's at a high enough level now that I'm able to inspect people and get a lot of details from them, not just items anymore or the barest of information. I read in the description part detailing her suffering, her transformation and a bit of the very nature of the wax that bound her along with her race being changed."
Z's eyes went wide. "That's how you knew so much about me! You really aren't one of their dogs!" they exclaimed, a flash of their usual jovial self-returning in mock anger, a much-needed, if brief, break in the oppressive tension. "I should have charged you more then for those skill books if that's what you can do! You cheated me!"
John managed a faint, ghost of a smile, a fleeting moment of connection. "So, that's that," he said, turning his gaze back to the remaining few who remained behind and where willing to listen. "I could go into detail on how I wasn't in the right state of mind, how I was influenced by extreme emotions and other factors, how I acted out of grief and fury that wasn't entirely my own but it would all come off as excuses since at the end of the day it was still my actions that lead to everything that happened. So now that I've said my part and you want to leave, you can do so knowing the full story. As I said, you can help yourself to supplies and goods around the camp but I'd prefer if you could leave within two hours." He expected the rest to follow the previous group, to finally abandon him and to leave him utterly alone with the terrible burdens he carried with only Elena remaining due to her inhuman nature making it hard for her to truly understand the weight of his actions and their bond. But instead, they stood closer together, seemingly speaking in low whispers to one another, their heads close together in an unspoken conference before Saya, taking a deep breath and squaring her shoulders turned back to face him.
"We're not going anywhere," Saya stated, her voice firm as a new resolve burnt in her eyes. "Elena obviously because you grower from before the world change and she views you as her only master, she's all but bound to you with absolute loyalty. For me it's because honestly? You did something that most wouldn't be able to do even with dulled emotions, you gave a mercy born of a love and care rather than continuing to make use of her regardless of the pain she was in." She glanced at Ash, who met her gaze with a fierce determination. "Ash… well, I don't know or really understand why she wants to stay, her words where confusing but she does and her conviction is pretty strong." Ash finally looked up at him, a silent unwavering loyalty in her eyes took him aback momentarily. "The Old Man says he sees a younger part of himself in you, a fierce spirit under the pain so he wants to help you guide this path or something but I think it's because you still have Ray locked up and he doesn't want to abandon her." The Old Man offered a small, knowing nod before seemingly glaring at her. "As for Jason? well, he just wants to know if he can still plan things and try to implement his defenses now without the troublesome guards getting in the way, he wants to experiment with new kinds of defenses." A flicker of a smile played on his lips.
John looked at each of them, a slow, disbelieving warmth spreading through his chest breaking a and fending off the cold self-belief he had before that they would leave due to his actions. He was not abandoned after all. "Are you all sure?" he asked, his voice rough with an emotion he hadn't thought he'd feel again, hope. "And yes Jason, you just need to tell me what you need and I'll try to make it happen." He then turned to Saya and Ash, the two women whose strength he knew he would be relying the most on soon as a genuine, though fragile, smile finally touched his lips, a promise in his eyes. To them it was a flicker of the courageous leader they still believed him to be or could be. What went without saying for the pair was how they would be relying on him in equal measure just in a different way, to feel the emotions they no longer could, using him to remember what having honest care and humility, see and remember what it was like to have a sense of humanity and love for others.