You hadn't been able to sleep in days due to your ptsd nightmares keeping you up at night.
You did your best to cover up the dark circles under your eyes with makeup. When the team asked why you had been spending so much time in your room, you chalked it up to being on your period. The guys accepted your answer but Natasha would eye you skeptically with every excuse you gave them.
The dark thoughts cloud your mind as you sit and stare at the pictures on your bedroom wall. The smiling faces of yourself seem so foreign and strange. When was the last time that you had truly smiled?
You shivered as you pulled the blankets closer to your frail body. Now that you think about it you hadn't been eating much. It's like you have been stuck in a dissociative cycle.
You jumped when you heard a knock at your door.
"Y/n, it's me Natasha."
Looking around your messy bedroom you let out an exhausted sigh. When did things get so messy?
"Hold on." You said as you tried your best to clean up. Before opening your door you looked in the mirror and did your best to fix your makeup.
You cracked the door open and gave your best smile. "Hey." You said as sweetly and normal as you could manage.
Natasha could instantly tell that you weren't okay. "We haven't had a movie night in a while and I was wondering if maybe we could?" She suggested more than asked as she made her way through your door.
You panicked a little as she made her way into your dark and messy room. Usually your room was clean, and comfy. You always had candles lit and you usually sat and played Animal crossing or Stardew Valley when you weren't on missions. Instead the tv was off and covered with dust. There were no candles lit and your bed was cold and unmade.
"Ugh, you know tonight's not a great night. Maybe some other time." You said as you fidgeted with your hands as you avoided making eye contact.
Natasha walked closer to you as she slowly and gently placed her hand on your cheek. "Y/n, don't shut me out. What's wrong?"
Before you can stop yourself tears fall down your cheeks and land on her hand. "Please just go." You say in barely a whisper as you try to move away from her touch.
You felt like such a weak burden for falling apart in front of the strongest woman you had ever known. The woman in front of you had survived the literal red room and here you were barely able to cope with the trauma of your childhood.
You stopped in your tracks when you felt two strong hands grab you.
"Y/n, I'm not going anywhere." The redhead said as she pulled you into her arms. She felt her worry grow as she felt how much smaller you were in her arms.
As soon as you were in her embrace the sobs you were holding onto came crashing out as your body shook uncontrollably. The lack of eating, and sleep had finally caught up with you as your body collapsed into hers.
You could feel your own warm tears falling down your face as your vision grew darker. You could hear Natasha talking to you, but you were too tired to respond.
"Y/n! It's going to be okay my love." She says as she quickly picks up your unconscious body. "Friday. Alert Bruce that I'm bringing y/n to med bay."
The A.I. quickly responded, "I've alerted Bruce and Dr. Cho."
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"Please wake up y/n, I love you. I can't lose you." Natasha said with tears in her eyes as she held your hand.
You had been unconscious for days. Dr. Cho and Bruce had said that your body was in the beginning stages of shutting down due to lack of sleep, eating, and being extremely dehydrated. The other avengers had come to visit you, they blamed themselves that they didn't catch on that you were in a dark place mentally. Natasha never left your side despite the others offering to stay with you.
A whimper left your lips as you fell into another ptsd nightmare. It was the same one that had plagued you for years. You could hear your name and beeping sounds pierce through your dream.
"Y/n, it's okay. Open your eyes, it's not real. Come back to me baby." The voice called out to you with so much love and warmth that you did your best to follow it.
Tears fell down your face as you finally opened your eyes. You were breathing in deep gulps of air as you tried to figure out reality.
Natasha held you and held your gaze as she spoke gently to you, "it's okay baby, I've got you. Just breathe with me, focus on me." She said as she helped you slow your breaths.
As you began to relax she placed a reassuring kiss on your forehead. "Sorry." You said weakly. Your mouth was dry and you sounded weird even to yourself.
Natasha shook her head as she moved to where she could look at you. "I'm sorry. I should have pushed you to talk to me when I first noticed you weren't yourself. I just thought that you would eventually come to me." She said. Her voice was evidently filled with guilt.
You did your best to clear your throat, "I wanted to tell you. But I just felt so stupid, weak, and like a burden…"
Before you could even finish she placed a finger to your lips, "you are never a burden. You're not weak and you're definitely not stupid. You don't have to tell me what led you here, but please don't ever shut me out like this again." She said sadly as she pulled out crumpled papers from her jacket pocket.
"I found these on your desk." The redhead said as her lips began to tremble.
"I can explain." You said as your voice stuttered. You wanted to rip the suicide letters out of her hand. You felt ashamed and embarrassed that she had found them. "I wasn't going to. I just needed to get my thoughts out of my head."
Natasha set aside the papers and took your shaking hands into her own. "I don't know what Hydra told you but you're not a monster. You're the kindest, most beautiful soul that I've ever met." She said as tears fell from her puffy red rimmed eyes.
You shook your head as the dark thoughts of your past began to haunt you once again. "You… you don't know what I've done." You say as you bring your legs to your chest as you begin to shut down.
Dr. Cho walks in just as your vitals begin to spike. "Natasha, why don't you go get some rest. Bruce and I need to run a few tests on y/n now that she's awake." The doctor says as she gently ushers out the redhead.
Natasha sighs as she nods her head. Leaning down she places a kiss on your head. "I love you, Detka. I'll be back around dinner time." She says as she walks out of your hospital room.
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Natasha goes back to your room and begins to clean. She bought you new candles of all your favorite scents and colors. She washes your bed sheets and comforter. She smiles when she sees all your stuffed animals are hiding under your bed. As she makes your bed she stacks your stuffies neatly on top.
After finishing the bedroom she tidied up your living room and waters your plants. She sighs when she walks into the small kitchen and opens the fridge. Your fridge looks sadder than her own and that's pretty bad.
"Friday. Order y/n's favorite groceries and have them delivered today." Natasha says as she closes the fridge.
"I have ordered all of y/n's favorite foods and snacks." Friday responds immediately.
Natasha looks around the clean apartment and lets out a sigh of relief as she feels the warmth of your apartment come back to life. All that's missing is you.
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Bruce takes extra care in unhooking you from the IV and medical equipment. "Now y/n, I'm only releasing you to your apartment because I feel you will get better rest there. You are on strict suicide watch and Friday has been programmed to alert all of us if you are distressed in any way. I've prescribed you some sleeping pills and some meal replacement shakes if you don't have the energy to eat." He said as he watched you take in all of his directions. He just wanted to hug you. He hated seeing you so sad and withdrawn.
"Thanks Bruce. I'll try my best." You say as you get up from the bed and take the prescriptions and shakes from his hand.
"I can call Nat and have her take you to your apartment?" He suggests as he watches you collect your things.
"No, it's okay. Thank you." You say as you give him a weak smile.
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As you walk into your apartment you are in full alert at seeing your place cleaned and candles lit. Your hands glow blue as your powers ignite. "Is anyone here?" You call out as you carefully walk through your apartment ready to attack.
"Easy Detka, it's just me." Natasha says as she walks cautiously towards you. She seems confused but happy to see you.
Your powers cool down and your hands stop glowing as your defenses drop. "Nat, what are you doing here?" You say as you look around.
"I wanted to make sure that you wouldn't have much to worry about when you came home." She said as she moved closer to you.
You felt speechless at the great lengths she had gone through to make your life easier. It made you feel both guilty and incredibly loved.
Before you had pushed everyone away you and Natasha had been exploring a romantic relationship together. You and her had never slept together, but you both had deep feelings for each other.
Movie nights were usually spent cuddled on the couch and giving each other little kisses here and there. Due to your childhood which you never talked about, you weren't yet ready for too much physical touch. You simply just didn't understand it or trust it.
Natasha always respected you and though you could tell she wanted to know more about you; she always gave you the right amount of space.
"If movie night is too much maybe I can watch you play your little animal game?" She said as she pointed to your switch console.
You laughed for the first time and gave her a warm playful smile. "You mean Animal Crossing."
"What are they even crossing?" She asks as she nods her head that yes that's the game she was talking about. She didn't understand the concept of the game. There was no fighting or missions to complete. But for some reason the animal game always made you so happy and relaxed.
"I'd like that." You say as you stand on your tiptoes to give her a soft kiss to her lips. You smile as you feel her kiss you back. It's moments like this where you wonder why you pushed her away to begin with.
She makes sure you're nice and comfy on the couch surrounded by all your favorite blankets. "Do you need anything else?"
You smile and shake your head no as you load up your game. You had missed all your villagers and they had missed you. It was silly that you felt so loved and validated from these little animal creatures. You felt a pinch of sadness for shutting them out too.
Natasha came back with two plates of your favorite meal and placed your plate on the coffee table in front of you. "I'm not the best cook but I had Yelena walk me through the recipe." She says as she laughs at her own clumsiness in the kitchen.
The food smells good but the thought of eating makes you nauseous. You can tell that the redhead wants you to taste her creation. "It smells great Nat." You say as you place your controllers down and pick up the warm plate.
Natasha can tell that you're struggling to take a bite. She wonders if on top of everything else you're fighting; if you're also fighting off eating disorder thoughts. Setting her own plate down she takes the plate from your hands. She blows on the food before moving the fork to your lips. "Please detka. Please you need to eat." She says softly as she gives you a reassuring smile.
You take a bite and let out a little moan as the flavors dance on your tongue. Your eyes shut softly as you savor the taste. "Are you sure Yelena didn't cook this?" You joke as Natasha continues to feed you.
"Is it really that hard to believe that I can cook sometimes?" She asks playfully. She smiles at seeing that you've eaten half of your plate. The redhead can tell that you're fighting off sleep as your eyes have grown heavy with exhaustion.
You shake your head as she brings another bite to your lips. For the first time in days you felt absolutely full. "Thank you." You say softly as you fight off a yawn.
"Can the chef have a kiss?" She asks cheekily as she points to the apron she's wearing that says, "kiss the chef."
You let out a light chuckle as you nod your head. You kiss her softly and sweetly on the lips. You smile sadly as she pulls away before the kiss deepens. You know that it's because of your mental state that Natasha doesn't want to overwhelm you, but you can't help but crave her physical touch.
"Y/n, why don't you take a relaxing bath. I've bought you your favorite bath bombs." Natasha says as she places the leftovers in the fridge and places the plates in the dishwasher.
You nod your head as you begin to get up. Your body aches as you stand. You have to hold onto the wall so you don't fall as your balance is off.
Natasha rushes over to you and helps you walk to the bathroom. "Do you want me to help malen'kiy?" She asks as her cheeks blush.
Your own cheeks turn red as you nod your head. You let her help you get undressed. "Will you get in with me?" You say in a soft whisper as you do your best to cover yourself.
Natasha nods her head as she helps you step into the bubble bath that she's made for you. She undresses before stepping in and sitting behind you. Gently she pulls you into her embrace and places a reassuring kiss on your head. "Is this okay?" She asks as she feels you begin to relax in her embrace.
This is the closest to intimacy you've ever encountered. You wonder if Natasha finds being naked in the bath with you strange or awkward. Of course you had found her absolutely gorgeous when she had undressed, as best as you could you had tried not to stare at her.
"You're so beautiful y/n." Natasha said as she began to wash your hair. She could sense the dark thoughts start to cloud your mind. "You don't have to cover yourself up or feel ashamed." She said gently as she felt you relax your arms and place them to your sides.
"I'm sorry that I'm being so awkward." You hear yourself tell her. "I've just never done this before. I've never felt this way about anyone before."
You take a deep breath as you begin to open up to Natasha. "I've felt love of course. When I was a little girl I had a family that adopted me. I had a mom, dad, sister, and little brother. We even had a cat." You shudder as you take a shaking breath. Sweet memories come into your mind as you allow yourself to think about them.
Natasha listened intently as she carefully rinsed the shampoo and conditioner from your hair. No one had known much of your backstory. They had found you locked up and sedated in Hydra's base when you were in your mid 20's. They rescued you and restored you back to health. The only thing you had said was that Hydra had found you and captured you when they discovered you had powers and abilities. Once Fury felt secure that you weren't a threat he offered you a job to join shield.
"You don't have to talk about this detka if you're not ready." Natasha said as she wrapped her strong arms around you.
"I want to tell you. I..I don't know if I can tell you everything right now; but I can't keep holding everything in anymore." You say as your body begins to shake despite being in the warm bath water.
"My family adopted me when I was five years old. I remember being so happy to finally be in a safe home. I had my own room filled with stuffed animals, toys and books. I even had a Star projector night light." You say as your eyes light up at the memory of your childhood room.
"Everything was going great until my powers started to manifest. My parents never treated me any differently and they never feared me. My dad pulled me out of school because he was afraid that if anyone found out I would be taken away." You stop talking as the memories slam into your mind and you struggle to tell the difference between reality and memories.
"Detka, don't push yourself." Natasha says as she rubs your arms reassuringly.
"Can we go lay down?" You ask as you do your best to get the images to clear from your mind.
Natasha helps you stand out of the water as she grabs a soft white towel and wraps it around you. She grabs a towel for herself and follows you to your bedroom.
You dry yourself off and change into a shirt and some pajama shorts that have little strawberries on them. You smile when you look up and see Natasha smiling at you.
Natasha finished changing into her own pajamas that she had brought from her apartment. She smiled as you picked up your beloved tiger stuffie. It was the same stuffie they had found with you in the Hydra base.
"I figured all your friends would prefer to sleep on the bed and not under it." Nat says as she climbs into bed with you.
You bring the tiger up to your chest and give it a tight squeeze. "They let me keep him. Hydra let me keep Tigey." You say blankly as your brain flashes back in time.
The redhead sits up and notices your eyes are glazed over. She knows you're not fully aware of your surroundings. She doesn't touch you as she doesn't want to spook you. "I'm right here detka, you're safe."
Your fingers grip Tigey's ruffled fur as tears fall down your face. Taking a deep breath you begin to tell and relive your darkest memories.
"My parents warned me not to play with my powers; but I was curious. I didn't know why I had them or what I could do with them. I figured if I could learn them then I could protect everyone. I remember drawing a picture with my brother and sister in the living room.Tigey was sitting in my lap." You sniffle as the tears continue to fall. You feel just as small as you did that day.
"There was a loud knock on the door. My dad told me to hide but I didn't listen. I just froze. When he opened the door Hydra rushed in and started demanding answers. They wanted me. My siblings were hiding behind me as they cried for our parents to do something. One of the men pulled out a gun and shot my dad right in the head. I can still hear my mom's screams right before they shot her." You start to rock back and forth as you can no longer tell what is reality anymore. In your mind you are that little girl.
"I remember crying and screaming for them to stop. My whole body started to glow blue and as I screamed I had caused an explosion so great that I had killed them all. My brother and sister died instantly from the blast. I…I killed them." You don't realize it but your hands start to glow a light blue.
Natasha speaks calmly and softly to you. She starts to hum a Russian lullaby in hopes that it will calm you down. She relaxes a little as your hands stop glowing. She knows that you still have more to say.
"More of Hydra's men came for me. I had nothing left other than Tigey who had somehow survived my blast. A man in a white coat said I could keep Tigey if I went with them. So I did. I went with Hydra and they trained me to truly be a monster." You say as you hold the tiger even tighter to your chest. You're full on sobbing now as your mind viciously replays every person you've ever killed along with the screams of your parents and cries from your siblings.
"I love you malen'kiy. You're safe now. It wasn't your fault. You were a child and they used you." Natasha spoke softly as she pulled you into her lap and began to rock you. She was familiar with the guilt that you were feeling. After all, she was raised to be an assassin in the red room.
Your sobs die down as exhaustion takes over your mind and your body. "I'm tired Natty." You say in a small voice as you look up at her.
"I know detka. Let's get some sleep. I promise to be right here the whole night. Do you want to take the prescription that Bruce gave you?" Natasha asks as she reaches for the bottle of pills on your nightstand and a bottle of water. She laughs when you scrunch up your face.
"What if the dreams are worse and I can't wake up?" You ask as you take the pill in your hand and inspect it cautiously.
"I will be right here. How about you take your medicine and I can watch you play your animal game until you fall asleep?" She suggests and smiles when you nod your head and take the pill in your hand. "Good girl, detka."
You blush at being praised by Natasha. Your headspace feels small and vulnerable as you get under your soft comforter and hug Tigey close to your chest. His fur is wet from your tears, but you don't care.
Natasha comes back with your switch but stops in her tracks when she sees that you've already fallen asleep. She climbs in bed with you and lets out a sigh of relief when you snuggle into her.
The redhead places a kiss on your head. "I promise to keep you safe my little tiger."