Was it wise to tell them? Maybe ignorance would have protected them. After leaving the dining hall and returning to the workshop, I was finally allowed to sit in my doubts.
I had to say everything to them, my silence would have put them in greater danger and wanting something is not the same as living in the reality of something.
What I told them, they needed to know.
The thought that followed was that of Merrina as she left, resembling the first glint of light, of realization resembling the first time she approached him with her intent.
While we tried to find our value, a reason for our captors to keep us alive, Merrina was among those too pretty to harm but far too broken to do any work.
For Merrina, her mindless wandering during the day and lost exploration of the estate at night became an accepted sight for the armed forces, taking no interest in their broken doll, they chose instead to satisfy themselves with the new crop that regularly entered the state.
Each new group received the same introduction, from their masses, those with useful talents were spied on and those found wanting were discarded, less than a handful were occasionally granted their freedom, but from what was said of the manner in which it was done, it barely seemed worth it.
The one thing that was always evident, was the lengths they would go to keep the groups separated.
Only having them interact during learning periods early on in their arrival, they 'studied' under the older slaves before being assigned to their designated stations on the estate grounds.
For me, the punishment never ceased, for only one among each group was chosen to represent the whole, to act as their teacher and to ensure that our master's instructions were followed.
It was a sought after post, but one that rarely had any lasting figures holding the seat. I learned this quickly, I had to.
It helped me understand that I couldn't want it, not for a moment, for that was the moment I would sell the others for a chance at something better.
Salu's teachings served us far greater on the estate than back at the factory. They kept us alive, but more importantly, they kept us hopeful.
"You should be inside before everyone starts to worry." Doing my best to speak without startling her in the dead of night.
"I couldn't have you wondering near the guard station tonight. Not tonight." His true concerns came out in a much quieter voice.
"What I choose to do is none of your concern." Merrina lashed out, but this was nothing new, I could hardly blame her after everything.
"It is, if you put yourself in danger. During the day, those guards are watched as closely as we are, so none of them are going to try anything that's out of line, but now, you are all alone, and vulnerable, please, don't force me to–" My words were of concern but they could not hide their frustration.
Not at her, but at what was done to her, what she had become because of all she had been through, and the fact that he could do nothing through all the torment she experienced, he was there, and he did nothing.
In her mentally broken state, Merrina would have been the next object of entertainment for the guards.
While the women that still pleased the governor or were transported in an unharmed fashion remained in the grand house of the estate to satisfy him with each breath he granted them
But I couldn't let that happen, not even if it meant I would draw my last. It didn't take much for my request for her protection to be approved, only a promise of more work with less reward, but eight more nights of hunger and thirst were a small price to pay for me.
A favorable word from the most dutiful slave was enough to vouch for her mind, a discarded ruin at the hands of beasts wearing human flesh, but they were no men, no for what they did to them, and not for what they couldn't give back.
Merr had changed the most, perhaps it was her that screamed so loudly when as we travelled to this place, only to arrive as a stone hearted mute, with the only person capable of finding a spark of humanity being Foula, who she guarded so fiercely that she gladly lost an eye in pure savagery.
How so–I was asleep at the time it had happened. I had pleaded for them to spare us only to pass out from my ceaseless beatings.
When none other than the gentle Foula came to my side, incapable of nothing beyond wetting me with her tears, the hounds of war grew insatiable in their desires, they saw something they could break and would delight in doing so.
But their efforts were in vain, for as Foula stood for me, Merr stood for her, and with all her spirit she fought, a broken arm was her first medal after carving out one guardsman's eyes, her second, from un-manning him, both pillar and stones, a risky gamble that won her his jewels at the cost of biting a part of her tongue. But her last, for a life claimed by clamping on their throat, she lost an eye.
Beaten, bloodied and broken, we three lay beneath the afternoon sun, marred in loose dirt and red dust, but we were given no peace.
For even the broken things served a purpose, and one he found for them was as an example. I awoke from the ordeal some days later but never heard the tale from Foula or Merrina's mouth.
Soon, the days would move onwards, shaped by the enterprising spirit we all still had, what our previous captors sought to have when they forced us to make arms, and what our current slavers wish to harness to their selfish betterment.
And yet, all Merr did with her freedom was, occasionally she would appear to share a few words with Foula before disappearing.
Their fellow slaves worried, they wondered, and even rarer in those times, they prayed. But she would not let any of them in, only Foula.
"I tire of this game." Merrina spat, wishing to end our conversation before it would even begin.
"And I have never made a joke of this. In truth, I sought peace for you, Merr. I never wanted any of this for you."
"You are neither my father, teacher or husband. You lack the honor to decide what is best for me." Shrugging her shoulder after I tried to cover her with my jacket, but I did not relent, nor did I press, instead handing her the jacket.
"Never again." I said, almost unable to look her in the eye.
"What?"
"I will never do anything less than protect any of you."
"Besides, what man needs a reason to protect the one he loves." Love? How we had forgotten, and yet, we had someone so long ago who reminded us of what it could be.
Salu cared for us all un-homed children, and told us that it was because she loved us that she did, just as the elders loved us, and cared for us whether they bathed, protected, instructed or disciplined us.
They always called it love.
"Why do you say that, you don't even know what it means?"
"Salu showed us what love was, and what I'm doing feels like the closest thing to that." My words were never meant as poetry, and yet the heart twisted the tapestry of intent into a truth that was heard as such.
Merrina was older, and for a girl that had experienced all she had, this meant she was wiser, both as a product of biology and the teachings of her great teacher.
And yet, there she sat, doing everything in her power to hold back the flow, the tender warmth that had her firmly grasping the jacket, not out of anger, no, she was trying to stop it.
The tender warmth flaring in her face quickly turned solid, before settling in her throat, she was overcome, and the enemy was swift.
Throwing the jacket on the ground, a hoarse cry slipped out, a short release from a greater damned tide.
"Merrina!"
"You don't understand. You cannot love me, you cannot love what is broken, so stop pretending to be like her." She was tired, she looked like she had been struggling while he never even laid a hand on her.
Merrina asked me to stop, to stop trying to make this a home, to try and save everyone.
"No one saved us, not then, not now. There's no such thing as heroes, in a world where god let cruelty win." She said, maybe she thought her cruelty could crush any dangerous delusions I still held onto, but hope wasn't a delusion.
"Then believe in me. Choose to hate and rage against me, I was there, right next to you, with nothing but a metal wall that felt as thick as the horizon is broad, and there was nothing I could do. Salu, her final moments were spent protecting a coward. So don't give up, live, so you can continue to despise me, and know that the day I die, I die with all your pain."
"What–" Her glassy eyes danced with the light of glittering stars speckled across the sky, she paused, her thoughts trying to find the words that match.
"You think of yourself so highly, is that it?" The spurned rage roiled in her voice as she cursed at me.
"I just want to see the people I love, unburdened. So I will carry your pain, until you have healed, I will carry your hate, until you can love, I will carry all things, so you will never doubt that I or any of us are here for you." Feeling a similar flush of warmth begin to rise after telling her how I feel.
Maybe it was the guilt or maybe it was the burning feeling against my cheek where my tears mixed the soot and chemicals of the factory work. It didn't matter what caused the dam to break, for the water flowed without obstacle.
"I'm…still older than you, did you forget?" She mumbled, walking past the jacket, and throwing herself into my chest.
Time had changed so much, for in that moment, she had forgotten, in his arms, she was allowed to remember what it felt like, even if it was just for that night.
While her mind returned from its aimless wander into her past, she looked at the sleeves of the jacket she now always wore on her nightly walks.
Reaching into the pockets, she felt that same feeling, only this time, she wasn't looking to forget; she wanted to remember, remember the purpose she chose that night, and what she would do next.
In secret she had been creating tools and implements for communicating with the outside world. While it took some to ensure it was all done in secret, together we had created a communication line to secure the rescue of the slaves of the governor.
The last device we had worked on was a tracker that would relay our location to an outside contact.
I had done all I could with the initial idea, but Merr was the one who could finish it.
Once she had completed it, she passed it along so I could begin the plan. It was a simple one, with everything that Merr could ask for when I first pitched it to her.
'No one else gets hurt if it goes wrong, and it ends with our captors dead.' I promised the former, but I swore to at least try when it came to the latter condition.
This was enough for her. Everyone else who wasn't needed for the task were not included until the final hour.
"How will it happen?" She asked, knowing this would be the final time she heard the answer.
"A fire to mask the activation of the device as the guards would be too occupied to detect the signal riding off their network."
"When?"
"Soon. But for now you can join the others." A lie but one that would keep her safe.
For all the preparations were made, and everything was in place.
Our outside contact was already alerted, and the invasion was already under way, this device, its singular purpose was to inform them that those who were to be rescued were safe, for the initial attack.
"It will begin with fire." Looking up at the dark veil before turning on the device.
What was a colorless plane of darkness, was illuminated by stars flickering, and growing with each moment.
Flash after flash, brilliant reds and vivid blues danced in the sky before heavy booms and quaked, throwing me to my feet.
The signal goes off and the estate is attacked, while everyone is hiding away, I rush into the grand house of the estate.
Using a wounded guard's weapons that have been shepherded and sneaking around the house that he was able to familiarize himself with after spending time learning at the orders of the governor.
Making sure to eliminate all of the aides and guards I came across. By the time the invading forces had concluded their battle with the governor's forces, I managed to bring the governor's head to them.
Naturally a frightening scene, they were quick to arrest him, but through the defense of my people, I was freed.
Foula and Hane thanked me as they were sent away by the invading force to the designated rescue area to await transport, finally leaving the warzone.
When my companions were taken to safety by the invading force, I finally noticed the wound in his stomach.
I guess the shock finally set in after all the tension and stress calmed. I took a moment to find a seat, as my breath got shallower and shallower.
I thought back to one of the last teachings I received from Salu.
"I will fall among the hounds of war today. But so will they." I said, understanding and accepting that as a maker of war, my fate was intertwined with those he was so driven to destroy. But before I did, I had to make sure she knew. Stretching out my hand, sitting in the palm was a blade, cold and stained.
"Is this why you didn't join us?" Words heavy with guilt fell upon me as Merrina took a seat close by.
"I made you two promises, remember? I wanted you to know that I kept my word." It was strange, from how those guards cried out or raged, I expected it to feel as violent or painful. Even as the governor begged for mercy before he fell upon my blade, and yet, all I could feel was cold, and tired.
But I couldn't sleep just yet, she was still there until she was safe, I wasn't done.
"You should go now, with the others. Make sure you get somewhere safe, away from all of this."
"I will, now save your breath." Merrina sat with me, in the growing dark, the biting cold and the distant rumbles of ordinance bombarding the estate.
"You know, I don't hate yet, so you can't die just yet, you wouldn't be fulfilling your duty to me if you died here." She started by asking, but soon she was pleading for what I couldn't give her.
Her tears flowing silently, as each word became a heavy lump in her throat, she tried to say what she could, what she thought could fix him, but despite her struggle she was met by a giving smile he gave.
Turning to see the fire burning down the estate, reducing it to rubble, she began to smile, not out of joy, but after realizing that he had indeed kept his word. Owing to embracing me a final time.
"The hounds of war have fed for their last. You can rest, now."