Casey felt like he was screwing up already since Vera called him out on why he never wanted to sleep with her after two weeks of him having to stop their make-out sessions when they got too heated. This was humiliating!
He didn't want her to get the wrong idea though. This wasn't about her at all.
"It's not you! I have a lot of shcars. I just…don't want you to see," he said lamely, hating himself.
"I'm sure they're not that bad—" Vera began but Casey had to cut her off. She had absolutely no idea how bad they were and that was how it had to stay.
"Yes, they are. Maybe we could keep the lights off the whole time? Could we do that?"
"Sure."
Casey still felt stupid about this but not for long since he melted under Vera's affection. She was so perfect. How could someone as perfect as her even want him at all?
He had been waiting for the other shoe to drop all this time and it finally did when they were cuddling afterward. She said something he had never wanted to hear again. He desperately hoped he was wrong.
"What was that?" he had to ask, bracing himself for the worst.
"I said I love you, Casey. It's okay if you can't say it back. I just wanted you to know, that's all. You're the most wonderful person in the world and I hope to convince you of that someday."
That was what he thought she said but how was that possible?! No. Vera couldn't love Casey. Terrible fear flooded through him.
Love was bad. Love was dangerous. She couldn't love him!
"It's okay if you can't say it back," Vera said before planting a kiss on Casey's chest. "I just wanted you to know, that's all. You're the most wonderful person in the world and I hope to convince you of that someday."
Her words made a crack in his haze of terror. He forced himself to breathe. This was Vera. Vera! The nicest person he had ever met. Her version of love didn't hurt. She had been nothing but good to him this whole time. She wasn't Candy.
"I…I…"
Casey tried to say something, anything, but he couldn't. He didn't even know where to start.
He couldn't tell Vera about Candy. He couldn't tell Vera why he didn't get involved with people. Why he didn't—couldn't—love. Why he had made a terrible mistake thinking this would be okay.
He couldn't tell her about any of that. All he could do was hold her closer and kiss the top of her head, wishing he was anyone else.
Why couldn't he be stronger than this? Why did his past have to come back to haunt him? Why dredge up the past unnecessarily? Why bring out old pain and put it on display for everyone else to see? Why ruin the good things he had going on?
Casey couldn't tell Vera the truth. Sweet, beautiful Vera, who had just told him the worst thing she could possibly tell him because of his past experiences. Who had no idea about any of it.
It wasn't her fault. She thought it was a good thing, which was why she had said it. She would never do anything to hurt him or cause him problems on purpose. That wasn't who she was.
"I'm sorry," Casey whispered eventually after laying there in his misery, continuing to hug her tightly for an indefinite period of time.
She reached up and caressed his face, speaking very gently. "Hey. There's nothing to be sorry about. Are you okay? Are you overwhelmed? Is there anything you need me to do?"
He had never appreciated another human being more than he appreciated her in that moment. He was giving her a hard time (albeit unintentionally) and she was being insanely nice about it.
Tears came to his eyes. Stupid! This wasn't worth crying over!
"Just be you," Casey mumbled into her hair, holding her tighter. "Just be you, Vera."
Vera sighed and began tracing circles on his arm. "I don't know how to be anything else so I guess we're good."
Were they? Because Casey felt like an idiot. He really needed to pull himself together. She was allowed to love him so he needed to stop freaking out. He had to be a good boyfriend and this was not being a good boyfriend!
Eventually they put their clothes back on so he could go home. She didn't make a fuss about his freak out. She acted like everything was perfectly normal. While he was grateful, embarrassment still threatened to consume him from the inside out. Why had he gone and gotten so scared over nothing earlier?
Vera wouldn't hurt him. She was safe.
Casey had thought she was dangerous and she was but only because she had the power to make him feel completely helpless. She was that important to him. She could very easily destroy him but he didn't think she would.
That was a big concession coming from him. Trusting that a person wasn't out to get him and wouldn't hurt him given the chance.
If someone had told him two years ago that he would let someone into his heart like this, he would have called them crazy. He never would have imagined this happening but here he was. Drowning in terror because his girlfriend loved him.
How long would it take for him to be able to accept her love wholeheartedly? Would he ever? He wasn't sure it was possible, considering he wasn't allowed to rely on her the way she wanted him to.
Casey was too weak. He wasn't allowed to rely on anyone fully. Not even Kane. Relying on others was dangerous.
Casey couldn't rely on Vera but had to keep being reliable for her. She needed that as her world was falling apart. She was really struggling with Tilly being in the nursing home, hardly able to remember her most of the time.