Aethisia PoV
Training with Dama felt different now than it had before, and even though it followed that same strict regiment as before there was just something about it that was... different; we both knew what was different, I could understand why it felt different, but still...
It was like having a weighted blanket draped over my shoulders suddenly as we trained; my mind was a bit sluggish, my movements weren't as precise and comfortable as before, and there was a general sense of unease that permeated as we trained.
Dama noticed it but said nothing, even whenever I failed to reach the same goals I had once met with relative ease; the drive just wasn't as strong as before, and I wasn't as willing to throw myself into this as I instead thought about everything.
She also didn't stop this training nor did she attempt to coddle me in any singular way, opting to leave me be and departing after it was finished, letting me be alone with my thoughts in the middle of the sand training pit.
Part of me wanted to go and find Camara immediately, to talk to her about everything and work on this together, but another part of me understood that this was just something for me to do alone, that it would be me throughout the entire process.
I was training for this, I was going to be the one to do it, and then I was going to have to handle the aftermath of what I had done... just me, not anyone else; relying on others was something I was still going to do, but I needed to be certain of myself before I dragged others down with me.
If I was going to drag them down I wanted to do it as little as possible, so I remained out on the sand with the weights scattered around me, something I found rather amusing since it felt like a symbol of my thoughts.
Scattered, heavy and sinking slowly...
Each of them helped me as I tied down an individual thought to their physical form, allowing me to move at my own pace as I lifted them and focused entirely on whichever thought was currently on my mind and in my hands.
The first - a simple heavy rock that was used for core exercises - was the most obvious one to start with; how did I feel about the idea of killing someone, even if they were someone that had been deemed as a threat and 'evil'?
I wanted to say that it was fine and that I wasn't entirely against the idea of someone who had done something terrible losing their life, but knowing that I was going to be the one to end their life was what made me falter.
Squatting with the rock in my arms and holding myself for a few seconds, I bit my lower lip and used the burning in my muscles to get my mind right, finding the answer there; I wouldn't know till I had done it, but at least then I could be a little more 'certain' of myself than Dama had been.
She had been killing soldiers who fought for what they thought was right while I was going to be killing 'bandits' who were causing real harm to innocent people, and if they were sent there by another country to destabilize things then I was helping more than I was harming.
That whole philosophy of 'killing a murderer leaves the same amount of killers in the world' didn't really work with me since the person I killed had taken more lives than I had, so the whole 'balance' thing leaned heavily on their side and not mine thanks to the blood on their hands.
So I think I could do it, but would I be able to stomach it..?
That made me smile wryly as I set the stone down to the side, moving over to the next and lifting up the dumbbells as I realized the answer was an immediate 'fuck no', but that wasn't what really bothered me about it.
It was the whole process after the initial experience that had me worried, but for that I was imagining that I would be decently off thanks to the circumstances, the people around me and the ability to have various outlets for my emotions if I needed them.
I could take up a trade or do mindless exercising, maybe go hunting or just do the obvious, which was pound my women into a mattress until they were unconscious and bloated with my seed.
A large benefit of this lifestyle of mine as well as the new body that I had...
Then I was asking myself if I was actually prepared physically for the fight against another person; a real fight, where I was aiming to actually kill instead of just defeat in a duel, and again I felt the answer was rather simple.
My gear was incredibly strong, my body was absolutely in the right place for this, my mana existed and was the 'right' kind for combat, my techniques were memorized and I was above average with them...
Everything was pointing to this being 'easy' to do physically but hard to overcome mentally, which was oddly reassuring even though it was something I had known in my previous life as well; taking a life was actually stupidly easy, but what came after was nothing but.
So many people did so many bad things, but whether they got away with it - legally, morally or with their own life - was a whole different story, one that I myself never really learned about since I was just... a person.
Different from now, that's for sure, but I suppose it is that difference that is both helping and hindering me right now since... well... the internet was a wonderful and demented tool, so I knew so much more than I should while also... knowing far more than I should.
I wish sometimes that I had been born here like Camara instead of as 'me', but at the same time that made me relish everything I had all the more since this was just... so ideal compared to the life I had once lived, even if I still made mistakes and skirted some more serious responsibilities.
Which reminded me that being out here with the weights even after everything had finished was stupid when I should be inside with Camara, and not even just to make sweet, sweet love to her either.
Melia was there waiting for me to actually... be there with her for longer than five seconds at a time, something that made me immediately shake my head as I realized that I had more important things to worry about then something that hadn't even happened yet.
I had a daughter to take care of and watch grow, so why was I out here thinking about something I knew I was going to do instead of just being in there with her..?