"Bringing this back around, when did you... was that first deployment where you..."
The way she was stumbling over herself as she tried to figure out how to ask this question of hers made it abundantly clear just what she was trying to ask me, so I grinned at her and waited for her to gather the courage to ask me "When did you kill your first person?"
It took her awhile but she did it, and it seemed like it was spurred on from my grin since she was so obviously irked by it, meaning I kept grinning at her and took my time to think on everything just to make sure I had the details right.
"Sometime in the middle of the deployment, I believe. It was a night raid on the camp, hoping to catch us at our weakest, but they were desperate and we knew it so we were constantly on complete guard.
I was awake doing my stint as one of the guards that night when they rushed in. We were an auxiliary force off on the fringes of everything, keeping them from escaping and just meant to apply pressure, but they chose us to attack that night.
Grabbed my spear, rang the alarm, shouted like crazy and prepared for a fight. Adrenaline from hunting and adrenaline from a fight are completely different. Hunting is slow, methodical, all about waiting for that right moment after who knows how long spent inactive. Fighting is short bursts of intense action before retreating for a break, hoping to maintain your energy for as long as possible.
Since I was a guard I was amongst the first attacked, and thanks to the months they had spent fighting against us their gear was shit. Before I even realized what happened I had stabbed this desperate Elf in the throat, stopping her in her tracks.
She was looking at me the whole time, her body limp as she hung there on my spear, staring right into my eyes and bleeding profusely. She was trying to say something - probably something about who she was leaving behind or the cause she was fighting for - but couldn't because of my spear.
Me or her in a split second, and obviously I chose me; there wasn't any thought behind it, any emotion, just raw instinct and action. When I came to not even a second or two later I kicked her off my spear and focused on her comrades, pushing that thought away and just getting into the fight."
Cracking my neck and staring at my daughter, I took in her expression and gauged what she was feeling right now; if I saw enthusiasm at hearing this I would be slightly perturbed, and if I saw disgust or anguish then she was going to have to stay here.
Instead I saw a mix of intrigue, concern, thoughtfulness and then acceptance as she nodded and waited for me to continue, keeping quiet and holding her stretch as she just stared at me; that arrogance and energy was subdued right now, shelved for later as she listened.
"It was a quick battle, probably like five, maybe ten minutes at maximum. They were using rusted and damaged gear, we had fresh blades and armor. They never stood a chance, least of all against a well rested auxiliary unit.
When it was said and done I had probably killed four, maybe five of them. Wounded another five. Rapid sequences of 'me or them' strung back to back to back... By the time the adrenaline faded I was just... tired. Exhausted, really. Everything hurt, my head felt like someone was pounding on it with a hammer.
Ears ringing, skin clammy, leathers sticking to me while the weight of my armor and weapon felt ten times heavier. The only one I really remember - the one I can still picture - was that Elf. That night I couldn't sleep; kept seeing her face as she tried to speak to me, kept seeing her eyes.
Couldn't really sleep for a few nights after that. Alcohol is a dangerous thing when you're like that; so seductive since it knocks you out, but it only makes things worse before and after you reach that bliss of unconsciousness.
Sex helped, but it wasn't as relieving as I thought it might be. Couldn't bed an Elf for months without going soft thinking it was her. Never tried anything harder than some Emberweed for a nice little high.
That first kill though, that's the only one that's really stuck with me. It being me or her makes it easier to deal with, but there's something... not unnatural, but... there's something 'wrong' with taking a life of another Mortal. Hard to explain, makes little sense. But... it only got easier because it was always me or them. I never killed someone who wasn't trying to kill me. That makes everything easier."
Aethisia remained quiet for a few seconds more, just staring at me and weighing my words in her mind, mulling over it and making me contemplate if I had overshared and potentially frightened her...
"Then... is that the reason you want me to come with you? To show me and teach me in an environment where it will be me or them?"
"Precisely. Somewhere I can isolate a one on one duel for you, somewhere I can walk you through each step of it. If everything is as your Mother says it is, it'll be better if you pop this 'cherry' now instead of waiting. I'd feel better knowing that there's someone else with the family who can stomach killing another Mortal."
"Even though Mother has before? And Aunt Sari?"
I smiled wryly at that, not giving her a response as I instead tossed her a practice weapon, taking us to the next part of this and letting her figure it out on her own; she would eventually, and while I expected this to be a... 'rocky' part of our relationship going forwards, it was one that needed to happen sooner rather than later.