CHAPTER 3
I had arrived at my new duty station after that strange conversation with T-6. For a while, I was to serve as an assistant to a supervisor toy in the administration of the memory building. T-242 was an experienced toy. Therefore, I had to be more careful around them. As I sat at my assigned desk, the same questions kept spinning in my mind: why hadn't they asked what I was going to ask? Why did it seem as if their sentences were pre-written, rendering them unable to perceive anything outside of them? And why was I only now thinking about these things for the first time? There were so many questions in my head that I couldn't keep up with the speed of my own brain. It was like once you start vomiting, you can't stop even if you don't want to. It was a situation as uncomfortable as vomiting, yet I couldn't halt it. After what happened last night, I felt like a new person. Same body, but like two different people. I was still me, I looked the same, but I no longer felt like the other toys around me. The loss of consciousness last night had definitely broken something in me. Now, with every move I make, I think about what the "yesterday me" would have done. Things I did every day were now foreign to me. On the roads I passed every day, I was seeing things I had never seen before and hearing things I had never heard. Today, while talking to T-6, it was as if I was seeing him for the first time. Yet, he had been with me all my life. He had been there from the first moment I opened my eyes to the world until today, but—how can I explain it—it was as if I was just noticing him. His black hair, his tall stature, the reactions he gave while speaking; it was all different, as if I hadn't seen them before. The problem was definitely with me. It had all happened because of that loss of consciousness. Whatever happened to me in that moment when I couldn't remember and lost the concept of time, I was no longer my old self. I wondered if the rebels had also fallen into that same void I fell into. Had they experienced the same devastation I did? Perhaps they had experienced that devastation in front of everyone, and that was what caused them to be banished from our side. I took a deep breath. Fortunately, not all of my old traits were gone. The me who was cool-headed, in control, and able to manage moments of crisis was still in there somewhere. All I had to do was pull myself together and return to how I used to live. I wasn't a rebel; I just had a small glitch, that was all. It wasn't something I couldn't fix. I took another deep breath. T-242 was meeting with the toys in the technical team of the memory building. They had given me a few archival tasks. I immediately threw myself into the work to avoid thinking. Even in a brief moment when I wasn't busy with something, all the questions would flood back into my mind. I couldn't even take a break to breathe. I had been busy with several things all day; I had gone to the education building a few times and descended to the technicians on the memory floor a few times. When T-242 came out of their meeting, my duty for today would end. Then, I was going to go do that... thing. That... Wait a minute, what was I going to do after this? My mind, which had been overflowing since morning, suddenly went empty. At this moment, I wasn't even sure if I had a brain inside my head; I was that empty. Normally—that is, as it should have been yesterday—everything we would do all day would be in our memory, and we would know our next step, but right now, I was completely blank. I froze where I stood. The serpent in my stomach was reappearing. A tingling sensation, starting from my stomach and reaching my fingertips, began to wrap around my body. My hands and feet had turned to ice. The breath I took was stabbing my lungs, and I knew this was the beginning of the devastation I had experienced this morning. Maybe even worse than that. This feeling filled my inside so suddenly and so much that I couldn't even breathe. Not a single breath of space was left inside me. I was suffocating.
"Calm down," I said to myself. "If you don't tell, they won't know."
Despite that fullness inside me, I took a deep breath. Use your remaining traits and think. I was in the administration of the memory building. From here, I could access the memories of toys at my own level and the levels below me. It had been thirty minutes since T-242 entered the meeting. To access the memories, I had to go down to the lowest floor, to the room where the memories of my level were kept, and find my own memory. Then, I had to retrieve my memory's tasks for today and tomorrow. My absence could be noticed, but the technical team was here now, and if I was quick, I could return before they left. I got up from my seat and stepped toward the elevator. While waiting for the elevator to arrive, that cold feeling inside me was still there. I was almost going to collapse where I stood and start producing water from inside me again. For some reason, I wanted to be in my capsule right now. I wanted to wrap my whole body and be away from all of this in my warm capsule. I wanted to return to my days when everything was meaningless. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Stick to the plan, I told myself; if we stick to the plan, no one will understand. I opened my eyes at the sound of the elevator arriving and stepped into the elevator with calm strides. The memory room was on the -4th floor. I pressed -4; as soon as the elevator doors closed, a deep silence surrounded me. Not even a peep. I could only hear the changes in my body caused by these new emotions inside me. My stomach was aching, and my heart was beating rapidly as if it wanted to burst out and escape. While I was forcing myself to be calm, I heard another sound from within that chaos.
"We can't stay here," that voice said. I looked around quickly, but there was no one. Could someone have found out? While I was looking for the owner of the voice in the tiny elevator, I heard that voice again.
"I want to go to my family." Family? Where was "family"? I remembered this voice. This was the voice I heard before falling into that timeless void, but this time, that short toy I had seen wasn't there. This voice was just a trick of my brain. I lowered my head and tried to focus. I could manage or even eliminate this voice. I couldn't lose my control to this extent.
"Get out of my head!" I whispered. After a few quick breaths, my body relaxed and the voice disappeared. I was still me; I wouldn't give up control so easily. I had no idea where "family" was or why I was hearing a voice telling me to go there. Everything was so complicated. First "fairytale," now "family"; I had a little version of myself demanding words from me whose meanings I didn't even know. I had to get rid of it. I had to return to my old self before anyone noticed. As the elevator approached -4, that strange feeling inside me intensified even more. I was filled with a desire to collapse where I stood and stay there until everything was over. For the first time, I was experiencing a feeling powerful enough to even prevent me from moving, and I did not like this assassin emotion at all. Definitely, something was broken in me. There was something inside me that was scattering and that I couldn't quite put back together. When the elevator stopped and the doors opened, despite the fight starting inside me, I carefully peeked my head out and checked the surroundings. No one was visible, but there was a long corridor I had to walk, and if anyone from the technical team was here, I would be finished. How would I explain why I was here? They hadn't even called me. I wasn't calm enough to produce a new excuse that quickly right now. I had to be calm. With or without that feeling, I had to walk this path.
I slowly took off the shoes on my feet. I couldn't take the risk of even the slightest sound right now. With hesitant but slow steps, I began to walk the long corridor. The room had to be around here somewhere. I continued forward by reading the signs on the doors. While walking, I was also checking behind me occasionally. There were rows of rooms on both my right and left. After passing three rooms, I still hadn't found what I was looking for, and this was making it increasingly difficult to keep the feeling in my stomach under control. I had just passed one more room when my steps halted at the sound I heard. The voices of several toys talking were coming from inside and getting closer. With a sudden decision, without even giving myself a chance to think, I threw myself into the room across that said "Archives." I listened to the voices behind the door, waiting for them to leave, but they stood in front of the door, talking about some nonsense. I couldn't leave until they were gone, and most importantly, I didn't have much time. Sighting, I turned around. It was a somewhat old room with many shelves and many files. It was obvious that no one had entered for a long time. When I approached one of the shelves, I saw that there was simple information belonging to toys. For some reason, I wanted to keep looking. This time, an emotion that forced me to move arose within me. I knew this emotion. Curiosity. But what was I curious about? Every curiosity I had before this had a reason. Research topics, questions, answers I wanted to know. I knew the reason for all curiosities. What was it now? What did I want to know so badly that I felt forced to move? I wandered among the shelves for a bit. After passing a few large cabinets, files lined up in a row on a shelf caught my attention. While every file had a red label, the outward-facing part of these files had black labels. My still-rational side inside was saying, "don't go there." I knew that what I was about to see would be the beginning of my catastrophe, but at least now my curiosity had a reason, and just now my feet had forced me to walk as if they knew I would find this, even though I was seeing these for the first time. It was very difficult to describe this feeling. Being drawn to something you didn't even know was there and feeling that it would be your catastrophe. What was this called?
I walked toward the files and froze where I stood at the text written under the shelf. "Rebels." Was there an archive about them? I thought there was nothing about rebels because after a toy became a rebel, everything about them here would be deleted. Their name would be given to a new toy, and the information in their file would be replaced with the new toy's information. We would act as if the old toy had never existed. The system would immediately fill the place of the broken part. So why were these here? I randomly picked one up and opened the cover. There was a picture and a page with information about the person in that picture. The man in the picture was dark-skinned and young-looking. He also wore thick-framed glasses. No one around here wore glasses except for reading glasses. Why had he taken a photo with glasses? Actually, the real shock for me began with reading the texts;
Şahin Madenci. Production date: 2030 Serial number: T-1 Findings: First prototype successful. Breathing. Bodily functions are weak. Strengthened with physical therapy. Myopia damage found in eyes. Laser treatment failed. Glasses treatment started. Cannot wear glasses in the mine. Under observation until situation becomes clear.
My hands began to tremble beyond my control. I think I had just found the first toy. What kind of a name was Şahin Madenci? Why was a serial number written where the name should be? Was the first toy also the first rebel? Had I just found both the first toy and the first rebel? That feeling in my stomach returned with a severity I couldn't control this time. I left the shoes in my hand on the floor and sat down. What was I in the middle of? How had I come to this room? Why had I found this file? Why was I experiencing these things? My body was about to experience another explosion. I didn't want water to flow from my eyes again. I gave a troubled breath. I had opened this cover once; I couldn't close it without reaching the end. I had to find out what happened to him. There were many more things on this page, but I just glanced and moved to the other page. Here, I think there was a report about his eye problems. Many shapes and complex numbers were written. When I turned another page, I saw the paper titled "Disposal Report."
A red stamp was pressed next to the "Disposal Report" heading, and it said "Approved." I read the paragraph under the report.
"The first prototype did not give the result we wanted. Although vital functions were good at first, mobility was very weak. Motor skills and mobility were increased with physical therapy, but some physical illnesses began to appear. There is myopia at the level of 2.2 in the left eye and 2.5 in the right eye. He cannot see far. Despite glasses treatment and laser treatment, no permanent improvement could be seen. The medications given during the design process damaged his kidneys. Worsening kidney and liver failure is likely. Another problem is brain functions; functions we blocked are returning over time. He asks questions and his level of obedience weakens day by day. He cannot stay within the dimensions we designed. Prototype: Unsuccessful. Disposal status: Appropriate."
The system had failed with the first toy and had wanted to destroy him. What was he doing among the rebels then? I had to find out. I don't know why, but I had to do this. Just as I was about to turn one more page, I flinched at the sound of the door closing. That sound had brought me back to reality. I had lost too much time. I had to get out of here immediately. The voices were moving away. This meant the technical toys were leaving. I had to load my memory immediately and return to my place. I took the last remaining page of the file that I couldn't read and placed it in the inner pocket of my jacket. Putting the file back, I took my shoes and carefully went outside. I hoped no one would notice the pages I took. Actually, it was obvious that no one had entered the room for a long time, but considering my bad luck lately, I still couldn't trust that. After going one or two more rooms, I found the memory room and went inside. In this room with many large, complex computers, I didn't even know what I was looking for. Walking among the computers, I found the computer I was looking for, though with difficulty. It was written on each computer what it was for. At least I was lucky here. When it came to the computer that said "Memory," fortunately, I knew what to do here. I was feeling grateful to myself right now for not skipping technical classes. I opened the small glass compartment, pulled out the red cable, and plugged it into the small hole in my neck. This hole was actually for health problems, but I had read in a book that toys used to have cables that allowed them to manually receive what they needed to do in their memories in their sleep capsules. I hoped it would work. I found and started loading today's and tomorrow's tasks on the screen inside the compartment. I wasn't feeling anything physical, but from here on, I knew what I was going to do. I would go to the library and get a few books I needed to read. I was learning the other things I needed to do in order. That is, I would learn the next place I needed to go after the library and go there. Actually, the things we had to do were roughly clear. This wasn't like seeing the future. It was like doing homework. Things like read these books in the library, come to work and do these tasks; but sometimes your supervisor could give you a job that wasn't in your memory. So, we still didn't count as knowing the whole day. When the loading was complete, I quickly left the memory room and reached the elevator with fast, not slow, steps this time. I had to hurry, but entering an archive where the rebels were wasn't in the plan; yet no one could turn their back on this. I put my shoes on my feet and took a deep breath to fix the "there is a problem with me" expression I was sure was on my face, smiled, and told myself everything was fine. If I didn't tell, no one could know. When the elevator door opened, what I feared happened, and I saw T-242 standing at my desk. They turned toward me at the sound of the elevator, but this time it was me who was frozen in place. Seeing me, they said:
"Where were you? The meeting is over, and you were supposed to wait for me here." Very good; I had to think as fast as I could. When I called the elevator, it was at zero, meaning I must have gone up before the technical team came here. Since the team T-242 met with was here, they had left.
"The technical team on -4 said there was a deficiency in the fuse panels and told me to go down. I went down to check them," I said. I hoped my lie wouldn't be exposed. Just now, I had done one more thing a toy never did and would never do. I had lied. I thought I couldn't say it, but I had managed to remain surprisingly cool-headed.
"Deficiency? What kind of deficiency was there?" T-242 said, not understanding. A deficiency wasn't something seen much around here, but I didn't have a better lie than this right now.
"One of the cables burned; they couldn't find the spare material cabinet to replace it, and they were going to report it as a deficiency, but I think its place changed. I found it when I went down; there's no problem. They already left when their work was finished," I said with the same cool-headedness. If there were a "lying toy," I would be very good at it. T-242 nodded as if understanding.
"Yes, the other team just left too. Fortunately, you went down and settled it; if they had reported it, it would have caused trouble. Well done, you did a good job on your first day," they said. I had received praise I didn't deserve with a single lie. I didn't just deceive the woman; I had also risen in her eyes. I responded to her with a smile and said:
"Thank you. Since the meeting is over, I think I can leave." I wanted to get out of here as soon as possible. Especially since there was a great mystery waiting for me to read in my pocket. I felt like I was reading the end of one of those detective novels T-6 wrote. In a moment, I would learn the whole secret.
"You can leave. By the way, you look a bit pale; I think you're about to get sick. Stop by the health center today; we wouldn't want you to fall ill," they said. My paleness had another reason completely unrelated to illness, but I couldn't say that. So I just said:
"Yes, you're right; I'll stop by today." Now I also had to stop by the health center. After being examined, my report would go to my manager, and it would be reported to them that I was fit to work. This wouldn't happen if I didn't go, and if it was realized I didn't go, I would draw suspicion. Right now, suspicion was the last thing I needed.
"Good day," I said, and after a short smile, I turned and got into the elevator. I had left that place without looking back. While leaving the building and while going to the health center, my mind was only on the papers in my pocket. I had seen something I should never have seen. I had begun to understand things I should never have understood, and none of these were even my choice. I wanted to return to the day before, when I was like everyone else. I wasn't sure how much longer I could handle what I've been through in this one day. Moreover, no matter how hard I tried, my body was giving reactions independent of me, and this was making it impossible to hide the situation. I had to do something. I had to continue being one of them before anyone understood what was happening. I had no intention of being one of the rebels.
When I arrived at the health center, there were several toys waiting in line inside. We usually came for simple things. Flu or a slight cough. Sports toys would come for muscle pains. There weren't many toys so sick they couldn't be treated, but if there were, no one would want to consume their resources for them. They would be disposed of. I paused at the question that stuck in my mind.
What happens to the Gods of those toys?
I felt the same thing again. The thing I felt when looking at the sky and wondering if its color was always like that. That another lock in my head had been opened. This was not good at all. Not very good things had happened after this feeling. After entering my serial number on the screen in the waiting room, I began to wait for my turn. There were several doctors here. This was a place used for minor illnesses. More toys worked in large hospitals. I had to go once. My nose was broken, and there was nothing the health center could do. I was operated on at the hospital and had to stay for a few days. It was a very large building and very silent. I had spent a few days alone in a huge room. There were times when I stayed for a whole day without speaking. It hadn't seemed very long back then, but now... how had I been able to stay? Every minute I was there, I felt as if I was feeling it now. Every second I spent for days with a tampon in my nose preventing me from breathing, with my head upright without fully lying down, was coming to my memory as if now. Everything I should have felt that day, I was feeling now. I was starting to have difficulty breathing. It was as if there were tampons in my nose again; I couldn't breathe. I opened my mouth without letting anyone notice. I started taking calm breaths from my mouth. My knees were trembling. That feeling over my stomach was starting to return. I took two deep breaths to calm down. Right now, this was not the place. You had to stop thinking about those days. I had to focus on other things. I looked at my hands. I focused on the lines on my hands. I had looked long enough to memorize every line, and it had worked. I could breathe again. I had only been sitting here for ten minutes, but it had felt like a century to me.
"Are you nauseous?" I flinched at the voice coming from beside me, but I had tightened myself so much that I couldn't even show this. I just turned to my right. Beside me was a toy who was probably still a student. They were wearing a red uniform. This was the color of students. I couldn't reveal anything to them. Therefore, with a slight smile, I said:
"How did you know?" I had to know every movement of mine that looked strange from the outside. Know it and stop doing it.
" I saw you taking deep breaths from your mouth. I do the same when I'm nauseous," they said. They hadn't realized there was an abnormality. Fortunately.
"Yes, I feel a bit sick," I said. My throat had gone dry, and I wasn't in a state to talk much, but the toy next to me was clearly someone who liked to talk.
"I've been sick these days too; this is my third time coming here this week," they said. Coming three times a week was not good at all. I hadn't come across a toy who came three times before. Therefore, I wondered why.
"Three? What's wrong with you?" I said. I hoped the end of this curiosity of mine wouldn't end badly either.
"I don't know. The other day, during training, I fell down the stairs; I must have hit my head very hard. I went to the hospital. I got better afterward, but a week ago, I saw something that wasn't there," they said. With the last thing they said, my body literally tensed like a bow. The end of this curiosity of mine was not going to end well either.
"What kind of thing?" I said, unable to help myself. They looked around and leaned toward me a bit.
"I saw a woman with blood flowing from her head. It was just a momentary thing, but it was very strange. As if that woman..." When they paused, I realized I wouldn't like what they were going to say next at all, but I still wanted to hear it.
"As if that woman was me," they said. I wasn't alone. The girl I saw was also me. She was a version of me that didn't look like me, but she was me. I was sure of this somehow. Now this toy was saying they experienced the same thing as me. If they told the doctor these things, how could they still be here?
Maybe this wasn't as big a problem as I thought. Maybe it was something that could be treated.
I felt my heart ease and my tensed body relax. It was as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
"Well, did you get better? I mean, you came to the doctor for this, right?" I said. What if they hadn't come for this?
"Yes. They gave me a medicine and told me to go; I was fine for the next two days, but two nights ago, something very strange happened in my sleep. I saw the same woman again. She said something to me, and I didn't remember the rest. When I woke up, I was different," they said, and I started to tense up again. I couldn't believe there was another toy experiencing the same things.
"What happened then?" I said. I had to know what the doctor did.
"Then I came back here. They said it was a side effect of the medicine. They took blood from me, then I went into a scan, and they told me to come back today. They'll probably give medicine again," they said. It wasn't a side effect. I hadn't taken a medicine, and I had experienced the same things. They were lying. Why had they lied? To avoid showing them I was tensed, I smiled and said:
"Probably." I would decide what to do after this toy came out of the room. If, contrary to what I thought, this was a treatable thing, they could fix me too. What if it wasn't...
I wasn't going to think about this now. With the door across from us opening, someone in a doctor's coat came out. Wasn't there a toy inside? Why did it say "patient present" on the door? It must have been the turn of the toy next to me because they said:
"It's my turn," and with the warm smile on their face, they got up from beside me and opened the door. When I looked inside the door they opened, I literally froze. I recognized the toy standing behind the doctor. I had seen this toy at Zatvor. This was the toy who showed us around the facility. I wanted to stop the toy entering, but it was too late now. It was done for them. I couldn't save them. They were still so young. Because they trusted these toys unaware of everything, they were about to be taken to be disposed of. Everything was exactly as I thought. I was finished too. I couldn't trust anyone. After they closed the door, the water flowing from my eyes began to return. My nose was stinging. I took several deep breaths. I couldn't do this right now. I had to be calm. I still had a chance. Even if I was alone, I could still find a solution. They said they went into a scan. Perhaps they had understood the problem with them during the scan. If I went into a scan, I could be finished too.
Think... Think...
A few minutes later, the toy I had just talked to came out with the toy I was sure was from Zatvor. Seeing them, I said:
"What was the problem?" Maybe being this curious would draw attention, but I didn't care. The smile on their face was still there.
"Which problem?" they said. What do you mean which problem?
"You said you came because your head was aching?" I said. While someone from Zatvor was next to them, I couldn't say I knew what they had told me.
"Is that so?" they said. They looked confused. What was happening? The toy next to them intervened and said:
"They're fine; they need to go to the hospital. Let's go, toy." The girl turned to me again and said:
"I'm fine. You'll be fine too," and they left my side.
You'll be fine too.
You'll be fine too.
She didn't even know where she was going. She thought she would be fine while going to her own end. This wasn't right. She didn't deserve this. With seeing my own serial number on the screen at the head of the door, I took another deep breath and, exerting a superior effort not to show my trembling knees, I went inside. The toy inside was as normal as if they hadn't just sent a toy to be destroyed.
"Hello T-8, you can sit there," they said. How could they do it? How could they act so normal?
Doing as they said, I sat on the stretcher on the side.
"Yes, what is the problem?" they said. After clearing my throat with a small movement, I was able to speak.
"I feel a bit sick. I'm nauseous," I said. I wasn't in a state to find a lie. After all, I looked nauseous from the outside; I could use this.
"I see. You're also pale. You might have caught a cold. Is your head spinning too?" they said and turned to their computer. If I said my head was spinning, they would definitely put me in a scan. I wouldn't take this risk.
"No. Just nausea. Yesterday while sitting in the park, I didn't realize how time passed. I started feeling nauseous at night," I said. After writing a few things, two medicines came to the compartment on their side. They lifted the glass cover, took the medicine, and handed it to me.
"You probably caught a cold. Take this one hour before meals. And I'm giving this for the common cold; take only one in the evening after the meal," they said. Was that it? I had been able to escape without revealing anything. Taking the medicines, I said:
"Thank you."
"You're welcome. This is my duty," they said. I gave a short smile and quickly left the room. My body had become so tensed that I could hardly stand on my knees, and the day wasn't over yet. I had to go to the library. I wasn't sure if I would be able to understand what I read, but I was forced to.
As I was walking toward the exit with steps hiding that I wanted to escape from here as soon as possible, I was about to stumble backward by someone bumping into me when my arm was caught. In front of me was one of the cleaning toys. They were a middle-aged toy, and I guess because I was distracted, I had bumped into them. Just as I was about to apologize, they left something in my hand that they held on my arm.
"I'm sorry, I didn't see you," they said and walked away from me, letting go of my arm. What was this now? Who was this toy? I had another piece of paper that I was sure would ruin me. I wondered if anyone had seen it. I peeked around; I saw a few toys sitting far away from me. They couldn't have seen it. Making a fist with my hand, I hid the paper and threw myself into the toilet in the corner. There was no one inside. It was a single-person toilet anyway. I quickly looked at the paper in my hand. It had been folded several times. As I slowly opened that paper, I had somehow accepted that I could no longer return to the old ways. When I read what was on the paper, I was sure of it too. I would never be like the toys here again. It could no longer be.
"Do not enter your capsule tonight to find out what's going on! Wait at the door behind the sleep building. Everything has an answer."