Father Gregor
I wish I could say that my life changed for the better after my special experience with that Catholic group. But the truth is much darker, and as I said before, I became worse, to the point that my parents, at their wits´ end, disowned me.
Ever since I had returned from that retreat, I had had to bear a constant dull ache somewhere in me, and no matter what I did, I could not get it to go away. However, I did try, and very hard.
Because I had returned home like an illumined child, my parents believed the retreat had the desired effect and convinced me to turn a new leaf. They believed that I would start behaving like a pastor´s son. But it did not take more than a week for me to revert – and to my utter shame – become worse.
For some reason, when I went with my parents to Sunday church, I felt as if someone had fed me acid, and I could not sit still. And while my mother stared as if absorbed at my dear father as he preached us all to death, I felt as if an army of ants had been released inside my pants.
I was able to hold myself together for a few weeks, to pretend that I was a good lad. But the pretense did not last, and by the sixth week, I had had enough. And so, one Sunday, as once more my dear bore began his neverending speech, I simply grabbed my jacket and walked out of there as if I were a bat from hell. My mother called to me several times, I remembered that much, and my father stopped his monologue to stare at me in shock. But I simply did not care, and I went on my merry way to find solace in those who prefer the darkness to the light.
It was here, in one of those amazingly mature moments of my young adult life, that I now found myself staring at a very young me and wondering how I had not died back then. As I now thought in retrospect, I realized that this was the me who had received the first call during the retreat from He who sees all but who chose to run away frightened by the sense that following Him was equal to losing freedom. How wrong I had been and how much damage I had caused.
My eyes raised to stare at my stupid young self as he sat with a smoke in his hand and a bottle of beer in the other while he made crude jokes and equally distasteful remarks.
"Greg!" I heard one of my old cronies – not a very nice person either – yelling at me from across the alcove where we – and about ten more people dawdled without anything better to do than to drink our lives away, do drugs, and play with women – sat. "Do we have any plans tonight?"
"No, not really," my drunk young self yelled back. "Then again, since when have we needed a plan? Let the night take us where it may."
My cronies and I laughed like demented idiots. We all knew that tonight we would be doing even more harm than we normally did. We were all around the ages of 19 and 22, none of us had jobs, and most of us had been sent away by our families. Some of us even already had a rap sheet. That included me.
Yes, I had barely turned 21, and I had already been in jail twice for minor felonies and also for drug possession. Since I was already a legal adult, my parents had only learned of my situation because I had had to reach out to them for bail money, but other than that, we had had no further contact. They had tried, really tried, to help me when my first jail time came about, but I had lasted less than twenty-four hours before I had stolen my mother´s wallet, her card, and all the cash she had there, so I could find a place to stay and buy more weed.
After that one time, my parents and I had neither spoken nor seen each other again.
Then, not long afterward, came the use of heavy drugs and my second jail time because I had been found in possession of cocaine. That´s how low I had fallen. I had served my time and been sent to a rehab place, but as soon as I was able, I had broken out of that hellish place to never be seen in it again.
And hell began for me for real then. Because I started to become really good at auto theft and burglary, I found myself growing very violent and cruel. I had even once pointed a gun at someone simply because I had been feeling a little off.
And then, from being a thief and doing jail time, I suddenly jumped to becoming the leader of a gang and the owner of a drug trafficking business disguised as an auto part business. And I began to see some real money and became a real jerk.
And it was that powerful jerk that now stood with his equally criminal buddies, drunk out of his mind at one of the most hip joints in the city, cigarette in hand and, yes, as you might have guessed, several very scantily clad women around him.
Because, oh yes, that had been another vice I had fallen squarely into: uninhibited sexuality and even pornography. Yes. Sometimes, due to the amount of alcohol and drugs in my system, I would find myself unable to perform at all, and this began to turn me even more violent, cruel, and obsessed with finding a way to solve the situation.
And that is when I turned to porn. And let me tell you, drugs, alcohol, and porn may seem like they spell the word freedom but they don´t. On the contrary, that disinhibition pushed me further and further into slavery from which I could not break out.
"Come on baby, stay the night with me," a girl whose name I could barely remember and who was basically and shamelessly rubbing her entire front against my side said.
I looked at her with barely concealed disinterest, but the woman was one of those who were tenacious in their intent to damage their dignity at all costs. And so, despite my look, she moved her hand towards my groin and decided to turn me on.
But I was not having any of that stuff tonight. I was too high-strung and not in the least interested. What I was feeling, though, was particularly aggressive, and without even a thought of me being stronger than the girl, I grabbed her hand, squeezed it hard, and muttered through clenched teeth, "I told you… I…am… not… interested, whore." And with that, I shook her off violently and stood from my spot.
"Greg," my buddy Rick said. "Where are you going?" He too was drunk and drugged, but at least he could speak.
I stared at him for a second but did not honor him with a response. I simply grabbed a bottle of whisky – a really expensive one too – and my cocaine and began to make my way out of the noisy place that no longer suited my needs and desires.
I did not know at that moment why I was feeling so antsy or why I was behaving the way I was, but the truth was that I did not feel as comfortable with myself as I liked to let other people believe.
My cronies, of course, followed me like mindless idiots, and I knew they were going to do whatever I said, even if it meant breaking the law over and over again. At the end of the day, we were all the dregs of society, and that was fine with us because it made us FREE.
After coming out of the club, one of the valets handed me my SUV – yes, I had been able to buy the latest Porsche SUV with my money, that´s how much I was making – and three of my buddies piled into it while the others piled into the remaining cars we had. Some of the girls also came along, but they avoided my car like the plague, knowing full well that in my current mood, I was dangerous.
We began our journey into nothingness, into the night, seeking out an activity that could fill the void that we all liked to ignore but that ate at us like acid. Because, come on, we all know that when you live a life without abandon, without limit, you are not really living, you are seriously running away from yourself and from the truth that chases you. In my case, the truth that was attempting to chase me, seek me, find me, and change me was the one I had found during that retreat. And I was running from it like a bat from hell.
We had been thus driving around the city without a set plan in motion when my cell phone began to ring. If there was one thing I did not do while driving, it was answer a phone, so I asked my buddy next to me to answer.
"Hello?" my buddy answered as he placed the call on speaker.
"Yo, did you hear the cheerleaders are holding a party at their house? I also heard that hot-as-hell virgin Kelsey will be there for the taking. I bet you can take her on, Greg! What do you say, isn´t that a good plan? Imagine being the guy who finally cracks that case open. You would be even more of a legend," came the voice of yet another one of my friends who was driving in one of the other cars.
I pondered the proposal for a moment and tried to remember who Kelsey was. I had never been big on popular people around campus, even though I was among them. But then, my brain engaged, and I saw the woman in my mind´s eye.
Fucking perfect Kelsey Williams was everything a man could ever want in a woman he wanted to marry. She was not just gorgeous. She was also the captain of the cheerleading squad and the head of some sorority; to top it all off, she was a top student. I think she was even on the Dean´s list or something. Oh, and not to forget, her parents were loaded, so she had the best of everything. She was also known as the good girl of the school. She didn´t drink, didn´t waste her time on endless numbers of parties – even though she was always invited – and as my buddy had mentioned, she was still a virgin. How did people know that bit of information? I had no idea, but it was common knowledge, and she did not seem to care.
My evil side began to become excited – maybe too excited – about the prospect of winning that challenge. I was bored out of my mind anyway, and we had no other plans in sight, so we would all go to that party, get even more drunk than we were, and I would turn Kelsey fucking-perfect to the dark side.
"Greg, did you hear me? Are we going or not?" the voice came through the speaker.
"Yes, let´s go. I am drooling at the prospect."
Hyena-like laughter filtered through, and all three cars altered course to head to the cheerleaders' house at the campus´s edge.
As expected, the party was in full swing when we arrived. There were so many people that finding a parking spot close to the house had become nearly impossible, and when we finally reached the porch, we saw them all spilling onto the lawn. That was annoying because I was used to being treated as the top man.
However, my irritation soon fizzled out when I walked into the foyer, and my eyes landed on Kelsey herself. She was nothing short of stunning in skinny jeans, a crop top, and flats, with blond hair let down like a waterfall and her face with minimal makeup.
Without a second thought, I made a beeline for her, and as if I had become Prince Charming, I smiled at her and said hi to her.
"Hello, and you are?" Kelsey asked me. This shocked me because basically everyone knew me in the school. Was she that clueless? That was strange for a popular girl, and it made her even more enticing for me.
"Hi, my name is Gregory, and I am in Business Admin. You are Kelsey, right? I think you are in…" I said in a gentle tone that never failed to lure my prey. Because yes, now, I was more than clear that I wanted to break this one.
"Oh, you are the infamous Gregory? Nice to meet you," she said with a gentle smile. "Welcome, please, go on in and enjoy yourself. Drinks are in the kitchen; feel free to serve yourself, and most people are in the pool area at the back."
"You did not tell me what your major is in, Kelsey," I said, still gentle, trying to beckon her closer. She laughed softly.
"I am a Biology major, believe it or not, because I wish to become a doctor one day."
I laughed alongside her and continued to engage her in trivial conversation, and by the time all my friends had spread out and become part of the various activities – mostly those that involved alcohol – Kelsey and I had built a rapport and become easy friends. I even convinced her to leave her place at the entrance and to become my plus one.
My first stop was the kitchen, and me being me, I swiftly picked up 4 beers for myself. I had asked Kelsey what she would have, but she told me she was sticking to Coke and nothing else. I tried to convince her to have a drink with me, but she told me she hated alcohol. This intensified my desire for her. I had never had such a good girl on my hands.
Seeing how futile my fight with the drinking part was, I steered Kelsey towards the back deck where people were in various states of drunkenness and undress. We continued wading through the people, and we headed straight for the furniture outside of the pool house. We sat down on a sofa and remained silent for several minutes while our eyes moved around the pool area, but then I focused back on her, realizing I would lose my connection with her if I did not engage her again.
"So," I began, drawing her attention back towards me. My voice was subtle and soft as I knew it called to her more than stronger tones. "Tell me about yourself, Kelsey. I mean, I know you go to my school and that you are in Biology. I also know you wish to go into Medicine sometime in the future. What else is there about you?"
She looked at me for a moment and gave herself time to answer by sipping on her drink.
"Well, there isn´t much, really. What do you want to know?" She asked.
"I don´t know. Anything you wish to share with me. I hear you are the good girl in the school despite how popular you are."
She laughed, and the purity of it intrigued me immensely. She truly was a special person.
"I´m guessing you know I am a cheerleader, right? And the captain of the squad at that. I don´t know why people assume that because you are a cheerleader or popular, you need to be mean. I do not have time to be mean to anyone, nor am I interested in being so. My parents have always imprinted upon me the need to respect all other people, and I take their teachings to heart."
I remained silent, listening to her.
"So yes, I am the captain of the cheerleading squad. But that is not all I do. I like various sports, so I try to be active in most of them. I love reading and spending time with my family and friends. I am not a big party person, and I hate misbehaving. So you see me tolerating all that is happening around us, but I will never partake in it, nor will I encourage it. I have many friends, and I respect how they wish to live their lives, but I do not participate if it goes against my moral values. Because yes, as weird as it sounds, I am the type of woman who has many moral values and upholds them because she believes in them. I do not engage in casual relationships, and my biggest dream is to find the one, marry, and have a large family of my own."
She looked at me intensely, as if waiting to see what my reaction would be. I was guessing she tended to scare men off by spewing what she had, but I was made of stronger stuff. I knew how to take the saintly ones, and I knew how to break them apart. That was my mission for the night.
"Sounds interesting," I replied casually. "It gets really boring to meet girls who do not even know who they are, and they throw themselves at everything just to fit in. I´m glad you are not one of those. Are you an only child? Or do you have siblings?" I continued, guiding her away from her set path so I could distract her.
"I´m the first of three. I have two younger brothers, and I love them with all my heart. They are terrors in legs, but other than that, I love them to death. How about you?" She asked as her hackles lowered back down. It seemed my plan had worked, and I had brought her defenses down.
"I´m an only child, but I have to be honest with you. I am not as good as you are. I´m sure you have heard of my reputation." I stated, lowering my eyes towards my beer. I was laying the repented act on thick.
A hand suddenly appeared in my field of vision, and I brought my eyes up to stare into empathetic ones. It seemed Kelsey had fully fallen into my trap.
"I know how it feels to be believed to be the bad guy when you truly are not. I have indeed heard a lot about you, but to be honest, I do not believe half of it. You do not seem like a bad guy."
We continued talking about one another for close to an hour, and within that time, I had a twinge of regret for what I had set out to do. But, as it was usual with me, I found a way to bury the regret in the sand.
"So, listen, Kelsey," I stated while I placed my hand on her knee. "I am going to get something to drink. Do you want me to refill your Coke?"
"Sure, thank you. I will wait for you here then."
I stood up staring at her, and once the eye contact was broken, I turned around and walked back into the house.
As I moved lazily toward the kitchen, I met with one of my friends who was almost all the way drunk, and he stopped me on the way. He wanted to know how my plan was going and when I was going to execute it.
"It´s moving along nicely. I cannot execute immediately, or it will not work. I am convincing her that I am not such a d…k, and then I will deliver the punch."
My friend released a loud bark and then continued laughing like a buffoon. He almost sounded brainless, to be honest.
"You are an ass… Gregory, you know that?" My friend said as he accompanied me the rest of the way to the kitchen. I gathered two beers again and then went to grab a glass of Coke when my friend placed his arm around my shoulders.
"So… what is the plan now? Tell me so I can circulate."
"I brought some pills, and I am going to place them in her drink. They should work their magic, and I should be able to move her soon to one of the upstairs rooms. Once I do, and I have her like I want, you tell the guys and bring your phones with you. We will destroy this 'good girl' vibe."
My friend released another booming laugh, and his arms went back to my shoulders.
"I tell you, man, you are the most evil person I have ever met!" He guffawed. "Ok, I will keep an eye out for you, but if I am not around, send me a text."
He then walked back into the crowd. In the meantime, I pulled out the two pills I had mentioned and dumped them into the Coke. The good thing about them was that they were odorless and tasteless, so she would have no way of knowing I had put them in her drink. They would be key in my plan to get Kelsey Williams into the sack with me.
I finally reached Kelsey at the pool house sofas and found her talking to one of her girlfriends. I approached slowly, and Kelsey saw me. She soon introduced me to her friend, who immediately recognized who I was. The girl became a flirting mess, but when she saw I was not responding, she excused herself and left us alone.
I moved back to my previous seat and delivered Kelsey´s drink. She took it and waited for me to sit back down. I did so and smiled while I took my beer to my mouth.
"So, what did I miss?" I asked.
"Not much. People are being really loud tonight, don´t you think?" She asked me.
"Well, we could move on to another place if you like."
"I do not see where we can go that isn´t as loud as this or even louder. The house must be crazy at this time."
"We could try one of the upstairs rooms. I know you might say you will never go into a room with a random guy, but we can sit at opposite ends of it if you wish. Or, we can go somewhere else."
"No," she giggled. "I´m not that desperate. I can withstand the noise a bit longer. In any case, I will be leaving the party in another hour at the most."
"Wait, you plan on leaving that early? I just got here, and we are having such fun!" I protested.
"I did tell you I´m not a big party person. And we can exchange numbers so we can see each other at a more quiet time. How about that?"
"That sounds like a solid plan. Let´s exchange phones now." We did so, and as I put my number into her phone, I saw her bringing her Coke up and taking a couple of sips. My eyes blew open wide as I waited for the effects of the drug to start.
We continued talking, and as the night progressed, she continued drinking. Everything was going smoothly and when I saw that she had reached almost the bottom of her glass, I took my phone and texted my friend, who answered immediately.
I was getting ready to start herding Kelsey when I saw that her hands had begun to tremble slightly.
"Are you okay?" I asked her while she removed her hands from the arms of the sofa and placed them on her chest. I had no idea what was happening but I became sure that something bad was going on. She did not respond to my multiple calls.
Then, suddenly, she brought her face up, and a fear I had never experienced before coursed down my spine as I saw the raw terror in her eyes. Alongside that, I noticed that all the veins in her neck had become inflamed and that her skin from the neck up had turned tomato red.
I then became aware of the fact that Kelsey´s breathing had become labored and that she was begging me with her eyes to help her. She couldn´t utter a single word, just fight for each breath, and her hands had now come up to her neck to try and remove the clothing that it seemed she felt had become restrictive.
My entire body froze when I realized, finally, that Kelsey seemed to be having some sort of fit, and I became even more immobilized when the woman began to convulse and fell to the floor.
A scream came from somewhere near me, and vaguely, I became aware of the fact that Kelsey´s earlier friend had come over, and I saw her telling me something, but my brain simply wasn´t computing. All I could think about was the fact that this woman I had thought of bedding, whose reputation I had thought to destroy, was now fighting for her life, and I had the most horrendous suspicion that it was because of the drug I had put in her drink.
Instead of helping as I should have done, and being evidently the biggest coward on the planet, I began to move away from the terrifying scene. Now, more people had come to assist the dying Kelsey, and fortunately, some were medical students, but I could not bring myself to do anything but stare and feel as if a black hole had opened up beneath my feet.
"What happened?" I heard Kelsey´s friend yelling at me while the medical students attempted to help Kelsey breathe. She came over and took my arms in her hands, shaking me violently. "She was fine when I talked to her, and then you brought her that fu…ing drink. Did you give her something?"
I brought my panicked eyes up to stare at the enraged woman before me, but I did not answer her. What could I say? I was frightened.
The friend decided to give up on me as a lost cause, and she took her phone out to call, I guess, 911.
Suddenly, one of my own friends ran over to me and pulled me further away from the disaster, and I began to hear the wailing of sirens in the backdrop. I knew they had yelled at me to move, and I had allowed them to pull me away and back into my car since I was unable to do anything on my own. I was so shocked that I knew I would not be able to drive either, and my friends had come to the same conclusion because they took it upon themselves to drive me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized that if Kelsey died and I was found responsible for what happened to her, I would be going to jail for life.
Before the emergency personnel arrived at the Cheerleaders´ house, we had hightailed it out of there, and an ominous silence enveloped us in the car. There weren´t any crude comments or jokes made by my friends, and that said a lot about how serious the situation was and how aware we were of that fact.
We finally arrived at my apartment building, and I was in such a severe autopilot mode that it took the help of my friends to pull me out of the car and get me into my place. My friends said nothing the entire time, and all of them, those who had been with me in the car and the ones in the other car, simply dumped themselves on my sofas, pale as if they had all seen a ghost.
"What are we going to do," one of my friends finally dared to break the silence.
I did not respond because I had absolutely no idea of what to say. The weird thing was that what had me consumed at this time was not so much the fear of what was to come since Kelsey´s friend had witnessed the whole thing and knew that I had to have put something in Kelsey´s drink, but Kelsey´s eyes of panic and her silent plea for help. Had I descended so low as to not help a person whose life hung in the balance? Apparently so, and it disgusted me.
Before I knew what was happening, a very severe case of nausea assaulted me, and I found myself dashing into the bathroom to puke out all of the alcohol and the little food I had in my system. Once I was done, I slid down to the floor and began to sob like a child. What had I done?
That is how one of my friends found me in the bathroom, and without a second thought, without commenting, he simply helped me up, helped me to clean up, and then led me to my room so I could change into more comfortable clothing. Then, he went to the kitchen to prepare coffee for all of us. We all needed it.
When I returned to the waiting room some twenty minutes later, now a bit more composed, I sat on one of the smaller couches and simply crossed my fingers as if I were praying.
Suddenly, a phone began to ring and I raised my eyes to try to find whose it was only to find out that one of my friends was receiving a call from one of the people who had remained at the party and who was giving us a status report.
"She is okay? Are you sure?" my friend asked, and the others released relieved huffs and sighs while my head fell into my crossed hands now in real prayer. From the moment I had left that retreat so many years prior, swearing that I would not waste my time on prayer anymore, I had not done so even once. Not even during the toughest moments of my life. Yet today, here I was, crying like a baby and praying with all the prayers my parents had taught me and then some.
"Okay," my friend continued. "So they have taken her to the hospital. Is she awake?"
More talking came through the phone that I did not understand. However, from what little I could make out, it seemed things were less serious than I thought.
"Okay, yes, please, keep us posted and help us convince Kelsey´s friend not to mention Greg was with her. I know she thinks my friend did something to her, but that is ridiculous. Greg would never try to hurt someone."
I felt grateful to my friend for his loyalty, but we both knew at this point that was not true. And we both knew I had given Kelsey what had caused her that strong allergic reaction. It was only due to luck that I wasn´t already facing murder charges. Had I wanted to harm Kelsey in that way? No way, I was not really a murderer. But, now I realized how deeply into the darkness I had descended.
The phone call ended, and my friends accosted the one who had received it with questions. I, on the other hand, had none.
"Well," my friend said. "You will be happy to hear, Greg, that this little situation has been dissuaded. Apparently, Kelsey is allergic to peanuts, and someone other than yourself was good enough to hand her some nuts that still had a few of those. It was mere chance that you came at the same time she had finished swallowing the peanuts, and it was that which caused the allergic reaction. Thankfully, it seems Kelsey kept medication for those things, her friends were quick to remember, and the medical students administered the medication. She was taken to the hospital, but she should be released within the week. So, no harm done."
Tears surfaced in my eyes and began to fall like a waterfall down my cheeks. My friends were so shocked by this display of weakness that they all stared first at me and then at each other, at a loss as to what to do. From there, sobs began to emerge again, and I covered my face with my hands, trying to stop the flow of emotions. I had never cried this hard or felt this bad in my entire life.
Yes, the immediate emergency and the possibility of going to jail for like, had passed, but that did not take away the shame of what I had done, and worse still, how I had acted. I had been a total ass, but then again, I always was. But I had gone from wishing to tarnish the good reputation of a good woman only because I had seen it as a challenge to running away like a coward when my bad actions had almost cost her her life. And yes, maybe it hadn´t been an allergic reaction to my drugs, but that didn´t take away the fact that I had gone so far as to drug her in order to get what I wanted. I had devised this really evil plan all because I knew Kelsey Williams was not going to fall for my charms no matter what I did.
"I thank you all for being here with me, I really do," I finally said once I had regained some composure. "But I need to be alone."
My friends stared at one another, and some complained, saying it was not good to leave me alone as I was right now. But I assured them I was now okay and needed room to think. Without further arguments, they all got ready and left my apartment.
Rain began to pour, and I mean really pour, outside, and I walked over to my huge window that overlooked most of the city. I stared out at the gorgeous view, but it wasn´t that which had my attention but my thoughts. I then turned around and walked over to my nightstand, where I opened the drawer. Right there, at the very back, I found a tiny booklet with a rosary imprinted at the front, and at the back, I saw the name and number of a person who had touched my life many years prior. I think it was time for me to reach out and get my life together. I had reached the bottom.