Have you ever wondered about what you want to be in life?
I have.
And I thought about it for many years, right up until the end.
When I was in high school, my parents would always nag me about what I would take once I graduated.
I would always tell them that I hadn't decided yet.
I would smile and say, "There's still time," even though I knew that all it would take was to choose a path.
Yet I couldn't.
Was it because I couldn't do it? Was it because I thought too much?
No.
I simply lacked the motivation to do so.
I never wanted to try hard. Why?
Because when I did, everything fell apart.
I tried to become the best once, and everyone failed me.
But when I did nothing, everything just seemed to be alright.
That's why, in the end, I didn't choose anything.
And before I knew it, I just became someone who couldn't aim higher.
It was all because I was scared of my own failure.
But that was fine.
My family still loved and supported me, and my friends were always there.
Even with their support, I could not try to be higher.
And before I knew it, I became stuck like this for many years.
I was an office worker.
My company wasn't that bad like other black companies, but it wasn't a grandiose one either.
It was simply average by today's standards.
My performance was also average at best. In other words, I was just an ordinary office worker.
Did I aim to seek higher? Not really.
Too much work. Too many interactions. Too much time wasted.
That wasn't meant for a lazy person like me.
On a typical day, I would go to work at 7 a.m. and leave at 6 p.m. When I went home, I would stop at the grocery to buy ingredients, cook for myself, and go to sleep.
It wasn't sad nor happy.
Just satisfactory.
At break times, I'd always watch anime or read manga.
In other words, I was an otaku. But it's not like people cared, because I didn't even openly admit that I was one.
On my holidays, I would often see my friends and hang out.
A girlfriend was out of the question.
For me, it was a good life.
I didn't aim too high nor stoop too low. Just in the middle.
It didn't bother me that much, nor did I think deeply into it.
But I have to admit that I'm a boring person.
And that's something I am even proud of.
I don't have annoying colleagues who act like I'm a pushover.
No women who try to flirt with me (and I think no one would ever do that).
No one approaches me unless they need something from me, which is rare most of the time.
And that's also the reason why I died in the first place.
On a snowy night, we went drinking with my colleagues at a local bar, and I found myself very drunk.
On days when work was tough, I'd always treat myself with liquor to relieve my stress.
Today was one of the worst.
A simple presentation had turned into a three-hour meeting.
My manager had glanced at me and said, "Next time, you'll handle the client Q&A, okay?" and I had smiled and said, "Yes, of course," knowing full well I would do everything to avoid it.
By the time we left the izakaya, my colleagues were already dead drunk, so I left early because I wasn't feeling that well.
"Cold…"
I rubbed my two hands together to warm myself. I had left my jacket in the office when we went out.
The sudden snowfall was partially to blame for all of this.
My mind was fuzzy at that time, so I can't remember everything, but I recall walking in a certain direction without thinking.
Then, when I realized it, I was already here, at the bridge, lying down on the side road.
"Why am I here exactly…?"
When I looked around, I saw no signs of people.
I must have passed out, huh?
I felt my whole body shiver because of the cold that enveloped me.
How long was I even out?
I tried to get up and almost tripped because the road was slippery.
Thank goodness there was a railing there that I immediately grabbed.
To be honest, I was feeling really numb because of the cold, and I was still dizzy from earlier.
I tried to re-assess myself and reached out for my phone first.
I noticed that it wasn't in my pocket. I frantically searched, then saw it lying on the ground a step away.
When I tried to reach for my phone, my foot slipped.
I fell on the ledger, and my back took the blow.
I tried to regain balance again, but I was too dizzy to realize what happened afterwards.
My back bent over the railing, and I found my whole body falling off the bridge.
I tried to hold on to the edge, but it was too slippery.
Along with that futile attempt, my grip was slowly released.
And before I even knew it, I was already falling.
I couldn't comprehend what was happening in front of me.
I knew that I was going to die.
They say that your life flashes before your eyes when you die, and that you'll remember the most memorable moments you have.
I didn't have any.
Was it because I was normal?
No.
It was simply because I never tried.
In that instant, one scene came back to me more clearly than the rest.
A job posting on the internal board.
A position that would have meant more responsibility, more work, more chance to fail.
My manager had looked at me and said, "You could apply, you know."
And I had laughed it off. "Not my style," I'd said.
That was three years ago.
If I had just tried myself then, I wouldn't be someone who's so afraid of failure.
At that point, I was looking blankly at the winter sky.
I couldn't move my body.
But at that time, my mind was determined.
I don't believe in things like reincarnation, but…
If it does exist, then I hope that I could live a life where I tried.
Because at the end of my stupid life, I have never tried to do anything.
That's why I'm a failure.
Even if it seems like a last-ditch attempt to correct what I did in the past, I want to try again, and I'll swear that I'll never run away from my regrets and failures.
"As if that would happen…"
Those were the last words I uttered before I disappeared from this world.