(MC POV)
The silence after a battle isn't peace—it's paperwork breathing down fate's neck.
I stood in the scorched clearing, bits of snake meat and ash still floating around like the confetti of a very illegal celebration. Orochimaru had fled. The snakes were fried. And System-tan was humming the opening to some 90s magical girl anime in my head.
[Master~ Your threat level has officially been registered by the ANBU. Congratulations! You're now on three watchlists!]
"Great. Three?"
[Leaf, Mist, and some random bingo book from the Land of Soup. Apparently a courier saw you incinerate a summon. They're calling you the 'Sparkle-Fist Specter.']
"…That sounds like a stripper name."
[That's what makes it terrifying.]
I sighed and started walking. No idea where I was going—just away from the flaming crater I made. Birds were chirping again, nature pretending like I didn't just start a boss battle in the wrong game.
[Ooo, Master! Do you want to head toward Konoha? I can calibrate your vibe so you look just suspicious enough to avoid interrogation but too mysterious to mess with.]
"Is that a real function?"
[It is now! Stealth Mode: Hot Wanderer Edition—engaged~]
With that, the edges of my coat darkened a bit, my hair lost its literal glow, and my face shifted subtly. Not enough to lose the looks, of course. Just enough to scream: "I might kill you or save your cat—50/50."
The path twisted downward into a dirt road flanked by tall trees. And then I heard it—rapid footsteps, hushed voices.
Ninjas.
I jumped onto a branch, crouching low. A squad of young Konoha genin jogged into view, maybe twelve or thirteen years old. One of them looked eerily familiar. Silver hair. Blank expression. Bandaged left eye.
"…Kakashi?"
[Confirmed! That's baby Kakashi Hatake, pre-mask addiction. Timeline sync successful!]
Crap. I was officially in canon.
The squad stopped at the crater. One of them whistled. "This the place? Looks like a war zone."
"Captain said there was a massive chakra surge here," Kakashi said coolly. "Stay alert."
[Master, I highly suggest not engaging directly. You're listed as an 'unclassified anomaly' in this region. That's code for 'shoot on sight but politely.']
So I watched.
They scanned the area. Kakashi knelt near one of the melted tree roots and narrowed his eyes. "This wasn't done by any known Konoha jutsu…"
Smart kid.
I backed up slowly on the branch—aaaaand snapped a twig.
Everyone looked up.
"Who's there?!" Kakashi shouted.
❖ "Congratulations, Master~! You just triggered a side quest: 'Get Out Alive Without Scarring a Child!'"
I dropped down calmly, hands raised. "Easy there. I'm just a traveler."
"State your name."
"…Tanaka. Satou Tanaka. I'm a freelance seal researcher."
Kakashi stared at me for a solid five seconds. His eyes darted to the coat, the bandages, the general aura of mystery. "You don't look like a researcher."
"I'm stylish. It's a branding thing."
He didn't buy it.
[Master, would you like to use 1 Luck Point to avoid suspicion?]
"Yes, please."
[Rolling… Success! Kakashi has decided you're probably too weird to be lying.]
"…Fine," he said. "But we're reporting this. Don't go near the village."
"Wasn't planning to."
They left.
I exhaled hard. That was way too close.
[Master~ You survived your first canon brush! Would you like a cookie?]
"Unless it's a cookie that turns into a hideout, no."
[Ohoho~ Good thing I stocked a few! Deploying emergency base: Treehouse Edition!]
A blueprint unfolded in my mind. A chakra-formed fortress—hidden in plain sight.
Three hours later, I had a fully operational chakra treehouse hidden high in the canopy, complete with camouflage seals, chakra insulation, and a tiny kitchen that made perfect instant ramen. It even had a System-tan-approved cuddle couch, which she definitely programmed to warm up when I sat down.
[Master~! I even added an auto-repair enchantment and stealth-based mood lighting! Your bachelor pad is now 74% more seduction-efficient!]
"...Seduction-efficient?"
[Statistically, dim lighting and hot tea increase emotional vulnerability by 23%! Also, your new bed is fluffier than a bijuu's tail. You're welcome~!]
I groaned, staring out the pseudo-window as dusk settled across the forest. The Hidden Leaf Village sat far beyond the hills, a faint cluster of chakra signatures and civilian lights. I could feel them—even from this distance. My sensory range was absurd.
[Also! Konoha just officially flagged you as 'Unranked Potential S-Rank Threat.']
"Wait, unranked?"
[They couldn't classify your power level! Their sensors glitched. One chunin fainted. Congratulations! You are now their localized cryptid.]
"Cool. I'm Bigfoot with better hair."
[And way more fanfiction potential!]
I sighed and flopped onto the couch. The treehouse swayed gently with the wind, seals stabilizing the motion. It was peaceful. For now.
But peace doesn't last when you're an anime anomaly with sparkle-powered fists.
Two days later, I had developed something resembling a routine: explore the forest, scan the area for canon-breaking threats, snack, practice absurd jutsu combinations, flirt with System-tan (or get flirted with aggressively), and avoid ninja patrols like a socially-anxious cryptid.
One of my favorite discoveries?
Shadow clones.
Now, anyone with even a surface-level knowledge of Naruto knows shadow clones are OP. But with my [Universal Mastery] and [Manual Skill Scaling], I didn't just copy the jutsu—I perfected it. I could now create clones that didn't just pass back memories, they passed back passive stat gains, learned skills, emotional growth, and snack preferences.
"Clone Test Log Number 12: Did the version of me reading romance novels become emotionally compromised?"
[He cried when the tsundere confessed. He's currently baking to cope.]
"Perfect. Promote him to Therapy Division."
[Done~! Now you have five clones training elemental releases, two scouting missions, and one writing a Naruto self-insert fic about you.]
"Wait. What."
[His AO3 account is called 'SparkleSannin69'. He's already got 12 kudos.]
I stared at nothing for a good minute.
"...I fear what I've become."
[Too late, Master~! You're now an unstoppable force of genre disruption and accidental thirst traps.]
And then something pinged on my radar.
Massive chakra.
Multiple sources.
"What now—?"
[Incoming squad! High-level! Fluctuating chakra patterns suggest elite ninja, maybe ANBU.]
I blinked and jumped to my feet. My clones dispelled instantly, feeding me data.
"They're sweeping the area. Probably tracking my sparkly chakra residue from the Orochimaru fight."
[Deploying emergency relocation protocol?]
"Nah. Let's try something... dumber."
[That's my Master~!]
(3rd POV)
Four masked figures moved silently through the woods, each dressed in the iconic black ops gear of Konoha's ANBU division. They were fast, alert, and radiating kill-aura like overcaffeinated wolves.
"This is the spot," the leader said, pausing beneath a wide-branching tree. "Chakra residue's still fresh."
One of them narrowed their eyes. "It doesn't match any known profile. It's like a blend of Uzumaki stamina, Uchiha affinity, and something… alien."
"We have standing orders," another ANBU said. "Observe. Engage only if provoked."
A flicker above.
All of them turned.
And there he was.
Satou Tanaka stood atop a branch, leaning casually against the bark, sipping from a cup of instant tea like he was on a picnic date. His coat flared gently in the breeze, and his golden hair shimmered faintly despite being supposedly in stealth mode.
"Yo," he said cheerfully. "Nice night for some covert surveillance, huh?"
The ANBU immediately shifted into attack stances.
"Name. Rank. Affiliation. Now."
"Satou Tanaka. Rank: Unranked. Affiliation: Freelance Cool Dude."
"That's not funny."
"Wasn't trying to be. Just painfully accurate."
The lead ANBU stepped forward. "You match the description of the unidentified subject who assaulted Orochimaru."
Satou raised an eyebrow. "Assaulted is a strong word. I prefer 'defensively introduced to kinetic energy.'"
[Master~! You're at 42% chance of violent misunderstanding. Would you like to deploy the 'Dumb Himbo Defense Protocol'?]
"...Do it."
Satou immediately let his coat fall open slightly, revealing a hint of collarbone. His smile softened into clueless charm. He blinked slowly, radiating innocence and accidental sex appeal like a damn Disney prince dropped into a war zone.
"I think I'm lost," he said. "Is this still the Land of Tea?"
One of the ANBU twitched.
"I—I think he might just be dumb," one whispered.
"No one that dumb burns down half a forest punching a snake."
"But look at his eyes. He doesn't even blink right."
Satou blinked again.
[100% success! They now think you're a harmless, beautiful idiot!]
"You're lucky we don't have kill-on-sight clearance," the leader muttered. "Get out of this territory. Now."
Satou gave them a two-finger salute. "Roger that, captain crow mask. Safe travels."
He vanished in a flicker of speed.
(MC POV)
Back in my treehouse, I collapsed onto the couch, laughing.
"Did I just dumb-himbo my way past an elite hit squad?"
[Yes~! And one of them might now be writing poetry about your collarbone.]
"Perfect. Let's never do that again."
[You say that, but your Luck stat just passively added +5 to 'Accidental Thirst Trap.']
I groaned and reached for some ramen.
"Next objective: break into Konoha and snag some scrolls. If I'm going to cause butterfly effects, I might as well collect souvenirs."
[Mission accepted: 'Canon Is Optional!']
Time to start a little light espionage.
And maybe accidentally become a legend.
Because in this world?
Satou Tanaka wasn't just OP.
He was inevitable.