Dear first love,
We first met when I was eight years old. I remember looking outside of the window of the new apartment that I would share with my Uncle AJ. I watched as the small moving truck backed out of the parking lot. I didn't bring much with me; I didn't have much in the first place.
I was scared to live without my parents. I clutched onto Bucky, the stuffed bunny that my mother gave me as a birthday present the year before. His stuffing was shifting around in his lanky body. His head bobbed loosely as I walked away from the window. Momma said she was going to sew him so the head would stay. She never got the chance before she passed away.
I looked around my new bedroom. It was big to me. There wasn't much in the room. I had a bed and a dresser. A few cardboard boxes were stacked in the corner, waiting to be opened. The barren walls felt cold and lifeless, lacking any color. The cream-colored carpet was soft under my toes as if it was never walked across before. This room didn't feel like mine. This house didn't feel like home.
I left the bedroom, going out to find AJ. He stood at the front door, conversing with someone. I walked over to him and hid behind his leg. Peeking out to see who he was talking to, I saw you and your mother. I wasn't too interested in the conversation the adults were having. I glanced at you, who looked disinterested too. Suddenly, my uncle pulled me out from behind him. "Monica, this is Eva. She is a good friend of mine. When I'm busy, she'll take care of you. She lives upstairs."
I looked at my uncle, then at Eva. She smiled at me and bent down to my level, holding out her hand. "Nice to meet you, Monica. My name is Eva. Let's all be good friends from now on, okay?"
I was hesitant but took her hand eventually.
At first, I was scared of you. To me, you came off as way too outgoing. You were always really social and playful. Your personality was too much for me. I couldn't imagine being friends with you.
That all changed one day. You became my very first friend. I remember that day vividly.
I was just starting third grade. It was on the playground during recess. A kid pushed me over and I fell. I scraped my knee, which pissed me off. I remember getting up and chasing the kid around. When I caught the kid, I bit his arm. Hard. He bled a little bit.
The kid started crying so I did too. I knew I was going to be in trouble. The other kids began to crowd and the teacher came running. You came over too. The kid tried to pin the whole incident on me but you defended me.
I felt a hand on my head. You pet me softly to help calm me down. Then you explained to the teacher that the other kid started it. Sure, I still got in trouble for what I did, but your gesture warmed my heart. From that day on, I decided to be your friend.
At the same time, I also decided that I liked you.
The years went by blissfully. AJ was never around because of work, so I would spend my time with you and your family. We all got along so well. We were annoying kids that would constantly break rules. You were particularly mischievous. You would always prank your mom, AJ, and even occasionally the postman. There was even a time where you tried to prank the old woman next door, Ms. Widdle. She never fell for it though. She always seemed to know exactly what was going on.
As the years went on, my feelings grew. I started to like you more and more. When I was thirteen, I couldn't take it anymore. I decided to gather up my courage and say something.
I confessed.
You confessed too.
I cried that day. I was certain that we were going to be together forever. We promised each other that we were never going to be apart. We said that we were going to get married, have kids, and grow old together. That was our plan. We kept saying that for four beautiful years.
In my mind, I had you and that was all that mattered. I was caught up in my own dreams and thoughts. I focused only on how much I loved you. I didn't realize that there was a chance that our relationship would end.
That I would lose you.
That you would lose feelings for me.
I guess it happened over time. You slowly pushed yourself away from me. It was getting harder to see and speak to you. Whenever I tried to visit you, you were busy. You were always busy.
I was blind. My love for you clouded my vision. I ignored the signs. I ignored the late replies. I ignored the pain that I felt in my chest. Deep down, I knew we end soon. Deep down, I knew that you didn't want to be with me.
Finally, it couldn't be ignored anymore. It was on my seventeenth birthday. I saw your lips being kissed by someone else. Your skin was being felt by someone else. Your hand being held by someone else. Your smile that used to be for me was now for someone else.
You looked at her with love. A look that you haven't given me in forever.
I was in shock. Horrified. I ran away before you could notice me.
I should've hit you. I should've gotten angry. I should've told you how I felt right then and there. I should've been a stronger person. I should've yelled at you. I should've done something.
But I didn't.
There was nothing that I could do other than the obvious.
After school, I walked up to you and told you the words that I had been dreading to say.
"I want to break up."
I didn't wait for an answer. I ran home as fast as I could, locking myself in my bedroom. I sobbed there, alone, for the rest of the day.
The next few days were a blur. I refused to see you. I put all of your belongings in my house inside of a box in my closet. Pictures, clothes, games, all of it. At school, I went out of my way to avoid you. I feared that if I ever caught a glimpse of you, I would break.
It's not like I had anyone to talk to either. The moment that I started to ignore you, I realized how lonely my life really was. I had only had you, Eva, and AJ. I didn't have any friends. I didn't have any other family. AJ had been gone for a year and even though he would check-in, it's not like we were particularly close. What would I even tell him?
Ms. Widdle, the neighbor, was there. That little old woman was seemingly the only person I had before she moved away. When I told her about our break-up, she comforted me.
"Don't worry, girl. One day, you'll find someone. I'll make sure you can be with someone you deserve. He'll love and cherish you more than anyone in the world."
Writing this, I realized something; My feelings for you may never truly go away. It's been almost a year and my heart yearns for you. Pathetic, I know. I've always been like this. I wish I could change.
The days are getting harder without you. I have no one now. Not you, not Eva, not Ms. Widdle, not even AJ. I'm alone. I don't have any friends. At this point, I don't know what to do anymore.
This letter will never reach you. Honestly, I plan on burning it. My tears are smudging the ink so I'll only say one more thing.
Goodbye, Ethan.
Your old friend,
Monica