Hello. It's been a while. I'm officially 20, since my birthday was on the 23rd of June. No job still after I got fired from Walmart a few years ago. I'm tired. After a long chat with my friend, I learned that I have learned helplessness. Which sucks. It makes me seem even more like a useless asshole in my eyes. I don't know how she can deal with someone like me when she has her own life. She's working hard for a job, and she even has a boyfriend living with her. She's so lucky. I wish I had a lover, but I'm not quite ready for that yet. I think I have feelings for a boy who's still 17, (turns 18 this year) but I doubt it's anything too serious. He talks to me often, but not often enough to say he likes me in that way. Oh, all of that is online by the way. I have yet to properly go outside in some time because of the learned helplessness and depression. I just need to get out of my own head, but it's a lot easier said than done. I wish I had somebody to love. Not only so I can fill the loneliness in my heart, but so I can learn what it is and how to express it properly without shutting down. I want to be myself someday without fear.
I currently live in the house with two dogs, a cat and four kittens (three of which I want to sell) and Milo, the cockatiel. I don't remember if I mentioned this, but when I had a job at Walmart, I bought a Xbox Series S. But my mom keeps taking it away when I don't do anything around the house because "her house, her rules." But it's not all that fair. One, because I'm an adult. Two, I bought that Xbox with my own money. And three, she doesn't punish my siblings for being a little too lazy. Only me. She gave it back to me recently after almost a month, and now I can't find the power cord. Hooray. I don't feel lucky. In fact, I feel nothing but sadness and pain. Learning that I have learned helplessness and finding ways through it made me a little more braver somehow, but I'm still severely depressed and just not me. Again, maybe one day I'll be set for life. Maybe I'll find a boyfriend that actually cares and loves me for who I am, and I can love him for all of who he is. I'm very lonely if you couldn't tell lol. Anyway, that's all for tonight. See you.