My great childhood eventually took an abrupt turn not long after I turned 11.
Although only 5 year years have passed, the memories of that time seem to be rather hazy and blurred. Some people call these repressed memories I think.
A day that was supposed to be a happy one. My mom was coming home after a two week long musical tour in France. The plan was for my father to pick her up from the airport and they would be back not long after I returned from school.
But they didnt come back.
The limited memories I have of that night consist of me waiting. I wasnt too worried, trafic can be pretty bad in London at peak hours and being delayed home was no way a strange occurrence in the household.
But hours passed and I began to worry. It never took this long.
After an undetermined amount of time that I can only say felt like forever, I awoke to a knock of the front door.
Jolting up from the dining table in which I probably fell asleep at, i dashed to the front door. A smile on my face. Totally oblivious at the time to the fact that my parents didnt need to knock at the door. It was unlocked...
I dont actually remember opening the door. No, I dont actually remember most of what happened the rest of that night. what I do remember tho is a heavy feeling in my chest. I remember the word accident, I remember an intolerable pain in my head and I remember black.
It wouldn't be until another 3 months passed that I would awake. But this time instead of awaking at that dining table to the happy faces of my parents returning home. I awoke In a hospital bed. Alone.
My parents passing hit me hard. For a time just thinking of them would lead to painful migraines that would escalate to me passing out.
The doctors later told me that the news of there death was that devastating to me, that it caused my mind to shut down in an a attempt of self protection. And it was during this self induced coma that my body started to slowly fail, the reason unknown to them despite many test.
The time after waking was hard for me. It seemed almost impossible for me to believe my parents were no longer here with me. I spent days in my hospital room crying. Missing mom and dad. Wishing this was all a bad joke. Wishing that they would come back to me.
Family and friends came to visit but that did little to cheer me up.
I lost the will to do anything. The world seemed to lose its colour without my parents and nothing seemed to be able to dispel the greyness that now coloured the world that was once so bright.
I lost the desire to eat which further aggravated the deterioration of my body. Taking away my ability to even leave the hospital bed, not that I had a desire to. Despite the constant attempts by many, nothing lowered the grievance I felt. Eventually the grievances seemed to disappear, replaced with nothing.
About a week or two of me being on the hospital, the Doctor who I had come to know as Doctor McCullings entered my room with a rather serious looking man. The doctor was wearing his usual lab like attire, whilst the man accompanying him wore a rather professional looking suit with a briefcase.
Initially I found the presence of this doctor irritating. Despite my attempts to push everything away and be alone, this man would constantly visit me. He would come to my room multiple times a day and attempt to create conversation. He talked and I stayed silent, hoping he would get the hint and leave. But he didnt, apparently oblivious to my dislike of his presence, he stayed, talked, not leaving me alone. Eventually his presence became normal to me and I found myself responding to him sometimes.
The other man was someone I didnt know. Although my mind tells me there is something slightly familiar about the man, I couldnt put my finger on why.
"Good morning James, up early as always I see." Dr McCullings greets whilst approaching my bed with the other man.
I nod to him in return.
Despite my luke warm response he keeps a good natured smile on his face and introduces the man next to him.
"This is Mr Halton, he's come today to speak to you about something important."
Taking this as his que, Mr Halton makes his own introduction.
"Hello James, I wish I could have visited you sooner, but alot of work needed to be done. for that I apologise." Seeing that I had nothing to say to that he continues.
"My name is Luke Halton, but you can call me Luke. I'm sure you have heard it alot but I'm truly sorry about you're parents, Tom and I were friends since high school. It's unfortunate what happend to him and Jeanne. Happiest couple I think I've ever seen. I was the best man at their.." he quicky stopped talking the smile that had unknowingly appeared on his face was replace by a sad apologetic one.
"I'm sorry, I didnt mean to remi..."
"Its fine" I quickly stop him. Not wanting to hear what he was about to apologise for. He nods at me in understanding.
"Okay, although it's not a pleasant conversation for either of us, it is my duty as your family lawyer and and a friend to explain the circumstances you find yourself in after there passing."
I nod showing that he can continue.
"Although they left no will, being their sole and eldest son, you by right inherit all that you're parents have left behind. Which amounts to a little over 1.3 million pounds in monetary savings and all personal belongings being your home and everything in it."
Despite being told that I am now an 11 year old millionaire, I only felt indifferent. No amount of wealth could compare to my parents.
"Allthough typically since your a minor and legally should be taken in by a guardian who would be a member of your family, the circumstances regarding your health means you currently need constant care and monitoring. Unfortunately that means for the foreseeable future you will be here at the hospital until it is deemed all clear for your release."
After finishing and seeing that i was not really surprised by what he said, Mr Halton takes a mobile phone out of his pocket and hands me it.
"This is for you. It has my number in it. Call me at any time of you have any issues or even if you just want to talk. I will always be ready to listen so dont hesitate to call me.".
Although I just met him, the sincerity in his eyes held a trace of warmth that reminded me of the my parents.
"Thanks.. uncle Luke"
Hearing my thanks and they way I called him puts a bright grin on his face. The same type of grin my dad usually wore, It brought a small smile to my face.
Seeing that he has completed all he came to do and maybe a bit more, he says goodbye and leaves after stating he will visit often.
Right after the door closes:
"I thought you lost it".
This statement confused me, I turn to see that Dr McCullings was somehow still in the room and quiety sitting on the chair at the side of my bed. I thought he left?
"Lost what?" I couldnt help but ask.
"Your smile"
Again i was confused, but this time for another reason.
"My smile?"
"Yes, that was the first time I have ever seen you smile. I'm glad you still can."
I've lost my smile...? my parents have just died. And he expects me to...smile?
"Cant say I have much of a reason to smile." As if oblivious to my slightly cold tone and visibly offended expression, he speaks.
"Aye, I agree, you have every right to not smile. So what made you smile just now?"
"Why did I just smile?"
"Yes, why did you smile just now?"
"Because I felt like smiling" Isnt it obvious.
"But why did you feel like smiling?".
Although I was a bit irritated that he kept asking me these pointless questions I decided to put thought into it. Why did I smile?. I smile because Luke smiled at me. That smile was warm and reminded me of....
"Uncle Luke's smile reminded me of my dads, that's why I smiled"
"Hmmmm, so the though of your dads smile made you happy?"
"Ye, why wouldn't my parents smiling make me happy? it means they're happy right?"
"And your parents smiling and being happy makes you happy?" I couldnt understand why a grin appeared on his face but I replied instantly
"Of course".
"Then what would make your mom and dad happy, what would put a smile on there faces?".
Although I didnt understand why he was asking me these questions, I was invested now. What would make mom and dad smile? what would make them happy? Mom and dad always smiled, but why did they smile? Dad always said that nothing made him happier than his family. When they smile, he catches it, making him smile. Mom always said that aslong as I have a smile on my face, so would she.. My family were happy when eachother was happy.
"They smile when I smile". This conclusion seemed to click something inside of me, although I didnt know what.
"What was that?"
"My parents being happy made me smile, and my smile made them smile." Me saying this made the grin on his face widen to a triumphant smile.
"So you are saying that your parents want to see you happy and smile. That will make them happy?"
"I think so" this answer makes the triumphant smile on his face drop and replaced with dead seriousness that made a slightly nervous.
"Then you think that you being upset will make them happy. Do you think that you wallowing in your own depression would make them smile."
!!
The question stuns me. Would me being upset make them happy? No! One of the only times when I saw my mother truly upset was when I came home crying after being bullied at school. My crying made her cry. But even so, they would want me to miss them, right?
"BUT..BUT KNOWING I MISS THEM WOULD MAKE THEM HAPPY!" I shouted this out but I dont know if this was an answer to him or myself.
"Are you sure they would want you to cry when missing them, or smile when remembering them?" He answers my outburst calmly, a gentle expression now on his face.
What seemed like the sounds of glass cracking seems to spread through my mind.
...
"But dad, you will always be remembered. Me and mom always remember you."
"And I couldnt ask for more, aslong as you remember me I will be happy"
...
Sadness on a level that I have never felt before starts to fill me and tears start to gather.
...
"My baby boy stop crying and listen"
"Mommy doesnt want to see you cry, she wants you to smile everyday. Aslong as you smile, aslong as your are truly happy, so am i".
...
Memories that I couldnt remember until now flooded my mind, seemingly breaking the last barrier. Releasing all that was held back behind it. Tears flooded down my face as my body quakes in grief.
"BUT I MISS THEM. I WANT TO BE WITH THEM. WHY DID THEY LEAVE ME" I no longer had control over myself, pain just gushed out.
I felt despair from within my very soul.
I could feel my vision going blurry. The same headaches that I had when I first awoke resurfaced. Greater pain than the ones before.
Just as I feel my mind becoming numb, as i was passing out, i feel warmth encircle me.
"Love and pain sometimes come hand in hand"
A hear a voice, it gives me something to hold onto.
"You can never truly feel pain unless you experienced pure love. And you experienced the most sacred of love. The unconditional love of your parents"
The words seem to be the only thing I could focus on.
"Dont lose yourself in the pain. You may feel it's the only thing thats left, but the love they gave you will never go away. It lives in your heart, your memories and it lives in your love for them"
"Move forward. Not by mourning the times you could of had, or the happiness it could of created, but by living in happiness of what memories you have, what happiness they created and will create. Make them happy by smiling, knowing they are smiling too."
Those words seemed to resonate with me and completely cleanse the pain that ravaged my mind..
Leaving the darkness to take me. Not in a blur, but exhaustion.