I always knew that beautiful dreams could sometimes turn into terrible nightmares. Would it be too rude of me to call you one?
From the very beginning, you were a beautiful dream. Everything was magical, like the fairy tales I used to read. How could it not be? It was 'love at first sight,' after all!
Okay, I know how cheesy that sounds. And I know people say 'love at first sight' is just lust. But I have to call it love, because that's when I knew what love was.
That winter morning was the first time I saw you or at least, the first time I remember seeing you. My eyes found your closed ones; you were enjoying the morning breeze with a cup of coffee in your hand. I don't know why, but my first instinct was to try and erase that beautiful sight from my mind as fast as I could! It was like my head was trying to protect me from something terrible. The air felt heavy, like it didn't want me to breathe. My face grew hot, my palms turned cold, and my heart kept tightening... until you opened your eyes. Then I was done for!
Even from across the road, I could see your eyes so clearly it scared me. My hands were shaking, I must have been afraid. But something inside me was so happy I could hear my own heart beating loud and clear. I felt like I could see right through your eyes, like I knew what you were thinking and what your soul was like.
Then I realized our eyes had met, and you could see me too. Pretty thick-headed, huh? I quickly ran and hid behind the curtains, peeking out only to find you completely indifferent, focused on sipping your coffee. It saddened me that the moment didn't faze you at all, while I was burning up inside. I kept peeking, wanting to see a little longer how the cold breeze played with the smooth, jet-black strands of your hair, almost hitting your eyes. Would you be surprised if I said you were my first crush ever?
The sight of you played in my head all day, filling me with a strange, positive energy. That night, writing in my diary, I wanted to believe in magic and have faith in those cheesy fairy tales no matter what. The date was February 14th, 7:35 a.m. You were the first person I saw when I opened my curtains.
There you stood on your balcony across the road, wearing a plain red t-shirt, holding a red coffee mug, leaning against the wall. Was that the day red became my favourite colour? I couldn't sleep that night. I didn't close my eyes until I told myself I had to sleep early if I wanted to see you again the next morning.
Déjà vu, it happened again! This time, you were holding a tissue instead of a mug, wearing a white-grey sweatshirt with a gloomy look. Of course, you had a cold. I frowned, badly wanting to scold you: Stupid, what were you doing wearing a t-shirt in this weather? Then you saw me staring at you like a stalker. Your eyes widened, and my cheeks burned, until you buried your face in the tissue and sneezed. I couldn't help but laugh. Trust me, it was cute! I couldn't let you see me laughing, so I hid behind the curtains again. When I peeked back out, you were smiling, the most handsome smile. Again, my heart tightened.
A few days passed, and you became an addiction. Every day and night turned into a horrible torture, waiting for morning. Then I discovered you came out in the afternoons too, rubbing a towel through your wet hair while the sun made it hard for me to even look. But I found something nice, when your wet bangs covered your eyes, I was literally awed. Obviously, I had to stare by my window all day to make that discovery! See what a creepy stalker you turned me into?
People are right, addiction is a bad thing! I couldn't focus on anything but you. I was helpless. I tried to stop peeking, to stop seeing you, but nothing worked. I felt worse on days I missed you. I even loved the waiting, and a simple glimpse of you was worth everything.
One day still horrifies me. I was walking out with my mom, and you were sitting by your gate with friends, talking and laughing. I promised myself just a peek, but my eyes got stuck on yours. It was the first time I saw your eyes so close and clear. Your hair was brushed smoothly back from your pale, peach-wide forehead. I hadn't known you wore glasses, and that only made me more fascinated. You looked like a hot nerd, and I looked like a fool staring with my mouth slightly open, until my mom came out. It was so embarrassing to be caught, especially by you, grinning like you'd won some battle. Meanie! My insides were jumping when I saw the dimples in your cheeks. I almost dragged myself away.
Days, weeks, and months passed as I cherished these moments like a daily routine. I never had the guts to tell anyone, not even you. I was happy just to see you, too scared to imagine more.
Winter came again, and you started playing in the court beside our house. My craving to see more of you was a bit satisfied, but I hated that you never faced my window. I'd sit at my study table for hours just to see you there. Do you know what driving people insane means? Geez!
Then something interesting happened, I found out your name! Your friends shouted it, and I heard it. That night, talking to my mom, I learned you were two grades ahead and that we used to play together as little kids. I was so happy I felt I could have died without regrets. But then Mom told me our parents had a big fight back then and still hate each other.
Why did it have to be like that? I felt myself sinking. Something was terribly wrong inside me. For a little while, I was relieved I hadn't imagined a future. I was almost grateful for my fear and cowardice.
Did I stop my addiction to you? Not a chance. I couldn't even if I tried, so I kept all my pleasure to myself. Want to see one of the silly love poems I wrote? I'll show you one:
"Clearly, you were not the breeze
that could make my time freeze.
And you were the only colour
I couldn't have liked, ever.
But my time was frozen, wasn't it?
Yet I made you the colour of my life, did I not?
I ended up loving everything, bit by bit.
I ended up making you my 'forever',
Even when I decided once, to love you never."
I know, it's cheesy. But what did you expect? You were all I could think about.
Then came the day you were playing on my side of the court. That's when I realized why you usually avoided it, you were playing badly. I was staring, as usual. It never felt wrong. I felt like I had some weird right to look at you. I saw you glance in my direction now and then, and what girl wouldn't love that?
I grinned, supporting my face with my hands so it wouldn't fall off. But I wanted to bury myself when you got hit on the head while looking back at me. Your friends crowded around you, laughing, blocking my view of your embarrassed face. I was happy, so happy, to know my existence had some effect on you.
I loved when we ran into each other, even though we never spoke. Just seeing you was enough. But what made you talk to me that day? You ran toward me, calling my name. The street was empty, which never happened. My heart nearly leaped out of me hearing my name in your voice, soft, sweet, and manly.
I stopped and turned to find you looking at me, but why was there so much pain in your eyes? You nervously scratched the back of your neck and said, "I really wish you never had noticed me that morning, like every other one! But it made me really happy to finally exist in your world of sight."
I didn't understand why you'd say that. Then, for the first time, I said your name. Your eyes and lips smiled. It felt amazing! Remember what I said? "I have every right to notice you as long as you're in my sight. But what do you mean, 'exist'? We played together as kids, didn't we?"
Your smile widened, and the pain in your eyes faded. "Yes, I remember. You were six, and I was eight. I never forgot." Guilt consumed me because I didn't remember any of it. I wouldn't have known if Mom hadn't told me. I looked down, hoping you wouldn't see.
Your right palm touched my left cheek. Your hand was huge, your fingers reaching to the back of my ear, and so warm I closed my eyes and snuggled into it. When I opened my eyes, you were grinning, dimples showing. The cold breeze hit me as your hand left to pinch my nose. "You're so transparent and cute, just like you were back then!" I could see myself flushing red in your eyes. You poked my nose twice with a devilish smirk. "You're not supposed to let just anyone touch you like that, idiot!"
I was fuming, but deep down, it felt nice hearing it from you. I had to reply, you know! "And you're not supposed to touch just anyone like that either, double idiot!" You laughed like you hadn't in a long time. Then you said something I didn't understand, but loved hearing: "Am I allowed to love you now?"
If not you, then who? I'd been loving you all along. But guilt surrounded me again, so I told you the truth—maybe I shouldn't have. "I'm sorry, I forgot what happened when I was six. But I fell for you a while ago, and I'm starting to dare to imagine a future loving you forever."
You looked so shocked. I wanted to remember our childhood, it was important because it was with you. Your eyes grew teary, and I hated my rusty brain. You smiled, touching my cheek again. "We used to play together all the time. Something happened because of us, and our parents fought." You winked. "Because of a weird experiment you suggested!"
A weird experiment? I suggested? Then a flashback rushed into my head.
My mouth fell open. "I asked why mom and dad kiss!" And at my most embarrassed moment, you said, "And I said I didn't know either. Should we try and see why?" Our parents saw us kissing! I remembered the chubby, cute boy I always played with. We were the same height then, but you'd grown into this tall, slender, cool guy. You scratched your neck again. "I was accused of seducing you, even when I was little!"
I wanted to say, What if I seduce you this time? But what came out was even more embarrassing: "I'm kind of glad you were my first kiss!" You went stiff. "I'm glad and grateful to my life for the same reason! I love you, idiot."
I smiled, ran off giggling, and called back, "I think I love you too!" At that moment, you were smiling, but your eyes were desperate to shed tears. I felt so close to you, yet so distant it hurt.
I was about to ask you out if you didn't, but you never did that evening. How could you leave me alone after confessing? You waited for me for ten years. I promised to love you even more, to make up for half that time. But why did you do this to me? How could you leave? Why did you turn that beautiful dream into this long, terrible nightmare? It's been almost seven years since I last saw you.
Maybe I took that promise too seriously. I've never forgotten you, not once. Do you think I never tried to move on? I did. But every time, I ended up slandering the word love. I detested it. Every new beginning collapsed because of you. No moment ever came close to replacing ours. It's been two and a half years since I gave up trying. Not trying feels better now.
I've made friends. I do what my parents want. I've learned to smile like nothing happened. Love means different things to different people. I see people fall in love every day, and I support them, maybe because a part of me still wants to believe in fairy tales. Just because this girl is still stupidly selfish enough to believe love stories can have happy endings, she cheers everyone on like crazy.
This girl is still stupid enough to wonder if you're happy where you are. She still wants to go to the same hell, knowing you're there. It was supposed to be a secret I took to my grave, but I'm a coward who wants to stay sane. Just like back then, I couldn't follow you. I wasn't sure I'd find you every time I closed my eyes. I still don't know why you had to go to hell on your own.
I hope to join you there someday, carrying every sin within me. Until then, I'll love you and cherish the time I spend missing you, waiting every morning by the window.
Yours forever,
"Your idiot"
[It starts now!]