Ever since I could remember, there's been this built-up hate about myself, this disdain. Anger that poured out like a faucet over a pool of lava. Never feeling good enough or worthy to be a challenger in this world. This set dystopia that will take advantage of the ill and boot off the truth-seekers.
Rather cruel, but it is the set point of our society, sibling against sibling and spouse against spouse. The unhappy setting that forces us into a closed compact space and breeds a false narrative that we are all joyous. Smiles are branded on the outer layer of the face as the coals inside burn our stomachs to keep our tears dried up.
My heart is glass, empty with so much to fill, hopeful yet alone. It has been through so much, seen things it shouldn't have. Yet, still pumps, still flows like a river through the bank of a forest.
Despite all the pain, and throns in its side squeezing til the red pours from its flesh, it still keeps going. Wounds surrounding the outer layer but still it keeps pushing even with needles poking holes. The heart plugs itself up with a bandage, and even though there are so many factors that want the heart to stop, for some unexplained reason it doesn't. Not even I can answer why it is still here, why it wants to keep going when it would be easier to stop.
But it tells me, "I believe in you. I've known you even before anyone else. Even before our parents knew, I saw you. I feel you and know we can do this. I've known you since you opened your eyes, and if you think no one thinks you can do it, just know I do. I know you feel alone but know I am always here with you, always.
Everytime you move, breathe, or hear a bear it's me cheering you on. No matter, how young or old we are I will always be growing with you, never judging just sitting right next to you.
I know you are trying so hard to be a good person, the best you can be, so even if we face pain today, I will face it everyday just to see you keep going. Just to see you happy over something small or even big. Because, when we came into this world it was just me and you, when you cried, I cried, when you screamed, I screamed.
When you thought you couldn't take it, I squeeze you hard, when your chest pained, it was me embracing you. When you thought your mind was lost, I helped guide you back, because it is you and me together. If you end, I end, and I know you have so much to bring to the world, to yourself.
So when you chose life even when death was at your door, I squeezed you tighter because I know it would have been easier to stop. But the fact you kept going made me beat faster, despite it all you still hold your head up and walk through the fire. Burns covering us both but you don't hesitate for a second, and that's how I knew I was always suppose to choose you.
That you would always make it because you are brave, you are meant to be here and you will make it through the storms, always. Because I will be right there for you, know that you are never alone because I will be by your side, I will never hate you and I will always see the beauty when you don't.
You do not have to be perfect, every star is shaped in its own unique way and you are a star that will shine amongst the rest. Even, if everyone won't remember your name, just know I will and the people's hearts whom you also touched."
"Your Father will be joining us, there will be no mysterious leave as I previously planned."
My eyebrows rose at the comment, "If I may ask, what prompted his sudden change of plans?"
"I did, and that's all you need to know, I know you and your father don't get along very well but while our guests are here, we are happy. We are a family as one unit and you will follow so, do you understand?"
I bow my head, "Yes, of course, mother."
"If he says anything out of line, I will correct it and it will be dealt with accordingly and in the case that he does. I need you to pretend you did not hear anything. Your father can be a wildcard and try to provoke you but you are better than that. I have raised you to be better that, to be better than him. At least, I hope so. So, if anything shall happened that I have not planned, I will make sure that is corrected. Today and tonight we will be perfect and you will be perfect, do you understand, Victoria?"
"Yes, mother."
She snapped her fingers and let out a single breath, "No, I mean it, do you understand? Treat him as if he isn't there if you have to, but don't even falter. Because they can see it, Victoria, they have trained for this too."
With clenched teeth she pulled her blonde hair behind her ears. The color still bright as if she had just dyed it. Even her brown eyes had a sort of spark in it, faded but there and her face seemed as if she had something done recently. It looked natural but also made it difficult to tell if she was tired. Her lips were plastered with red lipstick not a mark out of place following the tight dress she had to show off her makeshift body.
It made her look like she never even had a child, which is what she aimed for and every time I was reminded of it. A part of me shrinks knowing she would have been happier if I wasn't born, if she wasn't force to have me and put on a facade. But at this point there's nothing I can do and to keep her from getting more angry, I have to follow in her steps and smile. Play my part and bare through it, just as she has.